Streets of Seattle
by NBGirl
Summary: Transgenic plants. Uses for excess police tape. How to form an angry mob. And more.
1. First Edition: Memorial Day, Seattle, 20...

Welcome to the first edition of "Streets of Seattle

Welcome to the first edition of "Streets of Seattle."Want to participate?Visit the "Streets of Seattle" folder at www.delphi.com/darkangelfans/messagesor email jennem@usa.net or reply here (via review) with an email.Everyone is welcome, and no writing experience is necessary. 

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!Writers live for feedback, and we've got lots of writers here!

Disclaimer: We do not own the Dark Angel universe, the characters therein, or any details as mentioned in the scripts/episode of Dark Angel.All other characters and items in this production belong to the respective writers.However, no profit is sought or will be made from this production.

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**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

May 28, 2019

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

Editor in Chief: Jennem1 

Managing Editor: Samcrazy 

News Editor: Cherokee128 

Conspiracy Girl: cg-double-o-nuffin (mousie) 

Neighborhood Editor: Norez 

Fashion Editor: AndraMarie

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Black Market Editor: Showtalk

Chief Reporter: Ninja650 

Sports Reporter: The Rock 

Contributing Reporter: Weirdarchive 

Contributing Reporter: Willow771

Contributing Reporter: Olgerth 

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Wonkavator

Contributing Reporter: Daf9

Contributing Reporter: Sher1616

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**LOCAL NEWS**

_MYSTERIOUS ASSASSIN.ARE KILLINGS RELATED?_

_By Cherokee128_

Thursday there was a mass robbery at the Paulnova Estate, Mr. And Mrs. Paulnova along with their 10-year-old child were murdered. The house was completely looted. The estate is located 2 miles east of Seattle. There were no witnesses, and the job was done with terrifying accuracy. 

The bodies were found on Saturday, by the cleaning lady. When asked if she knew of anyone who would do anything to her employers, she replied "I've only been working there for a few months, but they were the sweetest people, they were rich, but they helped the community, I don't know who could do such a thing" 

Mr. Paulnova's brother in law, Mr. Van Tramp, who lives in the high-rise district of Seattle, was questioned on Sunday, he was released, and gave us a few details "My brother in law was a do gooder, he probably just got on somebody's hit list" But this doesn't explain the looting. This could e written off as a simple robbery gone badly, but with the Paulnova's high security, this is not a feasible solution. 

Then on Monday morning, there was another report, almost identical to the Paulnova's. This time it was Mr. Jeffries. This wealthy owner of Robotics Encorp was murdered late Sunday. When he didn't arrive at work the next morning, and didn't answer calls, the police were notified. Once again the house was ransacked. Nothing of any value was left. 

Mr. Kiff, Mr. Jeffries co-owner addressed the matter to us. "Mark was not careful, he had all that money, but he didn't spend a cent on security, he was just asking for this to happen." We have looked into the possibility of a planned murder, but have no leads. Are these murders/robberies connected??? Are they crimes for money, nothing more?? Or is it something deeper? We will keep you updated on this for the next few weeks. 

_SECTOR POLICE GETTING OUT OF HAND??? _

_by Ninja650_

There have been reports over the years that the Sector Police have been somewhat "hostile" to the people who plan on passing through the checkpoints. There have been reports that on some occasions the situation got violent and there were people hurt in these incidents. But these were viewed as minor situations so no action was taken in trying to prevent such incidents. The Sector Police now feel a sense of power and have been doing the same things as no punishment came to them.

In the past few weeks the number of Sector Police Brutality acts has risen. There have been more brutality cases in the past month than we have seen in the previous months from the start of this year combined. We have reports that there was one case where a man tried to get from Sector 5 to Sector 6 but was denied access and was eventually beaten to death by the Sector Police. 

No witnesses have come forward about this but we are assuming that the incident took place as the man became furious as to why he was denied access to pass the Sector checkpoint. When we questioned one of the guards at the Sector 5/Sector 6 pass he replied, "We have no recollection of such events. Nothing like that happened around here." When questioned further, he remarks, "Excuse me, I have a job to do here." as he pushes away our reporter. The investigation is taking place now to try to find out the reason for the man's death and if it was, in fact, the Sector Police who delivered this beating.

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**CONSPIRACY**

_CONSPIRACY GIRL_

_C-G-Double-O-Nuffin_

Many are speculating on the recent murders of the wealthy of Seattle. Some blame it on simple burglars, others on gangsters, but *we* know better. At first glance we might see no connection, but I know a guy who knows a guy-no names, and he says the conspiracy runs much much deeper. 

Is this some sort of evil plan for the government to obtain the money of our wealthy? Hardly. There is a secret group of elite assassins who have taken it upon themselves to get rid of all who might know of their existence. They are part of a top secret governments project. The name "Area 51" ring any bells? It should. Not only was it used to cover-up the crash landing of alien spaceships, but it was *also* used as a secret training ground for the very elite assassins who now plague our city. If anybody asks, I was never here...

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**BLACK MARKET**

_NEWS FLASH! _

_By Showtalk_

A major shortage of toilet paper in Seattle has called for urgent measures. Last night, a group of guerilla raiders, identities unknown, left the city on a quest for more rolls. 100,000 cases of paper have been located and airlifted to an unidentified location. Interested parties may contact Jam Pony. Ask for Herbal Thought and say, "Urgent business." Follow his directions. Purchases are limited to one case per household. 

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**EDITORIAL**

_FOOD RATIONING-ARE YOU GETTING YOUR FAIR SHARE?_

_By Samcrazy_

You line up.You wait.And finally, you eat.A daily routine for some, one that hasn't changed for months, maybe?

Wrong.

Sparked off by a recent Eyes Only broadcast, interest has been mounting in the area of food control and distribution in Seattle.We here at the Streets of Seattle have been looking into the belief that YOUR FOOD RATIONS have been getting smaller.

Why, you may ask?Why was the first question we asked the Food Dept. of the Seattle council three day ago.

A Mr. R. Prosser, head of the this particular department was quoted to of saying: 'Ridiculous.Simple rumors started by people who are...angry at the size of their normal, everyday rations.They believe that in complaining, the already under funded government will do something about it.We are doing our utmost to keep the rations going.So, in answer to the original question, no, the rations have not changed in size at all'

However, this paper does not believe in going with the words of paid government employees, so with our team of highly intelligent reports we did background research. A tip off from a person wishing to call himself Mr. X gave us a lead; that down at the docks at the dead of night things of interest occur.We sent two reporters to check it out.

After a stake out for two hours after midnight, a truck drove up to the edge of the docks, relatively close to our reporters hideout spot.They made out that two cartfuls of covered packaging were being stored in the compartment of an old oil boat.When we went to investigate, we found something even more shocking.Over twenty mothers and children were in the hold of the ship, in dirty, smelly, cramped conditions.Our guess is that they are being shipped to other places in the US to be sold, for whatever purpose.

So what started off to be a, dare I say it, simple retraction of some food stuffs, turned into a human smuggling case.

Connections were also made with other cases of withdrawn necessities like blankets and clothes, we discovered through other sources that they were being transferred to various slave ships up and down the ports.

Yes, more corruption in our town.We here at the Streets believe that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and we intend to discover the full extent of these sorts of cases.

Eyes Only, if you are out there, continue to root out the many wrong-doings in Seattle, we'll be listening.

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**OPINION**

_WHAT MEMORIAL DAY?_

_By Shnapzie _

Memorial Day was traditionally this Monday. It was a day to remember those men and women who made America a better place; a day to reminisce on the lives of passed away loved ones. 

Well, those of you who are in possession of a current calendar, glance at this coming Monday. Underneath all your business meetings, black market dealings, and loan "collecting," do you see the pre-printed item "Memorial Day"? No, you don't! Memorial Day is no longer an authentic holiday. The official reason for this is because of "lack of governmental funds." 

That is also the reason why Veteran's Day, Armistice Day, and Independence Day are no longer recognized federal holidays. 

"Lack of governmental funds" is the reason why these most patriotic of anniversaries are discontinued. These are the holidays that remind Americans of times of nationalism. They remind us of when our nation was the world's power, so great that we would fight and die to defend her. 

Is it any wonder, then, that our current government would have a problem with this type of memory? In this day of corruption among the higher-ups, any remembrance of freedom, inalienable rights, and true democracy would be dangerous to their way of life. The government is grasping at straws for any way to keep the public from recalling better days. 

But this Monday, on the ghost of past Memorial Days, I will remember, and vow never to forget the golden years of America's glory.

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**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Sir/Madam; 

I read with interest your recent editorial on the reduction of the rat population in Seattle. Perhaps you were basing your figures on Sector 9, the high-rise district? Because those of us here in Sector 6 seem to have something of an increase. 

Actually, I think I've figured it out. The helpful military exterminators simply rounded up all available rats and moved them into the lower-income sectors. 

Perhaps you should check your dictionary. In mine, "relocation" and "reduction" do not have the same definition. 

Sincerely, 

Leonard Raskin 

_Editor's reply: While we appreciate that Mr. Raskin sent us proof of his claims, we ask that readers do not include objects such as rat tails in their future correspondence. _

Dear Sir, 

As a member of the local scool board I wish to urge all your readers to get out and vote on next weeks school tax levy. It is awful the way so meny chilrun today can neither read or write good. As parents we must fight to see that our kids get the same swell education that we did. The rumors that this levy is being used to send the school board to Italy are ABSOLUTELY unfounded. 

Respectfuly yours, 

Anonimus.

Dear Editor, 

It has come to my attention that we've been having repetitive intrusions of unmarked black Hummers roaring across our streets as if they owned the city. I was walking my dog in the Safety Zone of Sector Nine when this maniac behind the wheel almost killed me and my poor Basset Hound The 13th Earl of Summerset. It was bad enough I had to double check my blood pressure to keep my Medic Alert Badge from ringing, but my poor pureblood hound suffered such awful stress, I feel he may never breed to preserve his lineage. I feel it's time the citizens of this city stand up to these ruffians and tell them to take their hijinks elsewhere, such as Los Angeles where such rough sport is encouraged. I had thought our brave and noble Sector Police kept the streets peaceful and quiet in my neighborhood, but apparently they just don't care if an innocent man and his dog become another static in the roll call sheet of 'Hit And Run'. I urge the Mayor and the Chief of Police to investigate this matter and arrest these hooligans who prey on our streets like sharks in an aquarium. 

This must not continue! 

Sincerely, 

Windthrop Jenkins, III 

Sector Nine, Seattle Military Security Zone. 

Deer Editor, 

I jest wonted to say that i like yur noospayper. Thay keep me worm at nite, and, if yuo boll them up, thay make a rilly goud pilow. Eny way, i was jest wundring to things. can i get sum free paypers or sumthin, yu no so i can haf a flufy kushin to sleep on insted of on the grownd. Or if yu can get me a job wurkin thair, that wood be grate. So let me no. 

ps. i no awl the dirt in da strete so i can rite good stuf. 

Dear Editor, 

I was disgusted with your front page story last Friday. What is with you vultures? I know the rats are bad...do I need to see pictures of children who have lost limbs to them? It makes me so mad I'm going to stop stealing my neighbor's subscription copy of this rag and switch to stealing the New York Times from the blind vendor down the street. 

An irate reader 

PS As an added bonus the New York Times not only has book reviews but I find it provides both more and better quality material for insulating my cardboard condo.

Dear Editor, 

As a Canadian I'm getting ready to be offended that you didn't include Canada. There must be a HUGE business smuggling Americans across the border. What do Canadians think about it? Surely there's a story there, crying to be told? Unfortunately I already threatened to stop stealing my neighbors edition of this rag in another thread. Maybe I could threaten to get all my good buds to also stop stealing this paper if you don't comply? 

Regards, 

Irate reader 

Dear Editor, I am writing to discuss a possible article on the state of the cities smoking by-laws, my son goes to school in the north Seattle area which is rampant with fumes from smokers, smog from automobiles, I thought this country was trying to rebuild not make things worse, I can see that Eyes Only has the right idea now, at first I thought he was only trouble but he's installed hope into our community, I would hope that you do the same. 

Concerned Parent.

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**ENTERTAINMENT**

_SEATTLE CINEMAS CLOSES_

_By Jox5_

It was a sad day in the entertainment world when the last movie theater in Seattle closed down yesterday. Owner Rob Smith said that when the Cale family stopped going out for a Saturday night movie two weeks ago the place went broke. 

The 30 year old theater will be torn down and turned into a parking lot. When asked if he had any plans to rebuild in the next few years Smith said he needed $100,000 to start over. How will this affect actors in L.A who are struggling to make ends meet? It is the opinion of this reporter that they will pack up and move to a country that still works like Canada or maybe Mexico. 

If you would like to donate to the Rebuild Our Theater Fund, you can send money to Jox5 at the Streets of Seattle head office. 

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**SPORTS**

_SEATTLE SPORTS_

_By The Rock_

Good morning Sports Fans!! it's time to get off with a bang my first column on Seattle sports lets get to it. 

Now I realize that money in a shattered economy is in limited quantity but for the Seattle SunHawks Baseball franchise they are in desperate need of it, I haven't baseball this bad since the Mariners dumped Ken Griffey Junior(Now senior) to the Cincinnati Reds. This is undoubtedly the worst week for the team since it's conception by Power Nipple in 2006, lets look at the weeks scores. 

MONDAY 

SunHawks 5 - Bluejays 15 

TUESDAY 

SunHawks 8 - Yankee Doodles 10 

WEDNESDAY 

SunHawks 3 - Orlando Jerks 5 

THURSDAY 

Cameron Sinkers 16 - SunHawks 2 

PLEASE GOD LET THE WORLD END! I mean for crying out loud this is pathetic baseball, look at starting pitcher John Rocker, after a dismal career in Atlanta the guy goes from worst to....WORSTx10!The guy has given up more runs per inning then people testing diarrhea pills for a pharmaceutical company, and lets not forget about our great offensive squad, lead by leading man Jose Cruz Jr. Now this guy is actually a fair ballplayer, started in T.O. made his way to the coast, and now he has a hitting percentage of .325 not bad for a old fogy. Now I beg to manager Jose Canseco, please stop leading the team down the path in life you chose to follow....MISERY. 

GOOD MORNING AMATEUR TEAMS Right our little junior sports make up the heart of our community in Seattle, what could give a community greater pleasure to see our little athletes compete against each other....And they would if the community centers hadn't been invaded by street gangs. 

GOODNIGHT: Finally an end to this crap, be sure to check back next week for my column when I discuss new franchises moving to LA from Seattle, our main industry...losing sports teams. 

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**FASHION**

_ARE FLIP-FLOPS A SIGN OF THINGS TO COME? _

_by AndraMarie_

Ok, so you are walking down the street, and all of a sudden you here a noise coming from behind you. You speed up, hoping it is not a mugger. The noise keeps coming. So you look over your shoulder (even though you know you are not supposed to-never make eye contact with your attacker) and see an innocent looking teenager blowing bubbles and bobbing her head aimlessly to her headphones. You look down and see the cause of your paranoia. You supposed stalker is wearing a flimsy pair of brightly-colored plastic flip-flops. So are more and more teen girls these days. 

So what's causing this new phenomena? Thong sandals, which were very popular in the late 1990's and the early part of the 21st century, have been recently making a comeback. Some girls say that they find the old-school sandals as a refreshing addition to their spring wardrobes. Others say that they are practical with their minimalism. But the majority think that these sandals are great because they are so economical. Since the Pulse, everyone has been feeling the pinch in their pockets. All that is needed to make flip-flops are a piece of rubber or plastic, and a foam sole. Young girls saving their money to maybe buy a pair of new shoes (instead of secondhand) are thankful for their low expense. 

Back in the early 1990s, flip-flops were used as mainly beach sandals. But as the decade grew older, they started being mainstreamed more. They were created in new stylistic fashion-with brightly colored flowers, beads, and other accessories that were fairly cheap then. The only post-pulse social-economical class who could previously afford them was the very wealthy aristocrats' children whose parents hadn't lost their entire fortunes. Now that the fashion industry has had over a decade to get back on their feet(although they are still taking baby steps), the cheaper clothes and shoes were the first to be made. 

So what does this mean for your average consumer? 

Well, your average stores who have been carrying the flip-flops and have been successful, should start bringing back other, cheaper fashions. These stores were used as test stores to see if the public was ready for some actual new clothes. And it seems they are. All you lower-class shoppers out there - be ready! Some new, hip, and affordable lines should be coming your way! 

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**NEIGHBORHOOD**

_EASTLAKE: STRANGELY UNIQUE_

_By Norez_

In many ways, Eastlake is the ideal neighborhood. Eleven years after the pulse, the tiny community sandwiched between Interstate 5 and Lake Union, is one of the few places in Seattle seemingly unaffected by the economic depression. 

In a near lawless city and amid rampant squalor, Eastlake is an economic, artistic and cultural Mecca. It is unlike any other neighborhood in Seattle. A surreal mixture of Japanese and American architecture, tiny homes, attic apartments, condos, mom and pop stores, boat yards, heavy industry and the most advanced genetic research centers operating in Seattle. 

The true soul of the community lies just offshore, amid the hundreds of houseboats moored in a colony along the shoreline and docks of Lake Union. A carefree, Caribbean spirit still lingers among the writers, artists, professors and dissidents that call the lake home. These people of the lake are descendents of blood if not cause of the people that fought and won the right to live on the lake some 50 years ago. 

This was the neighborhood where William Boeing first flew his boatplane in 1916. And, it has changed greatly since then. Once an industrial park, only a small handful of industries survived the years of change. The oldest of them is Lake Union Drydock Company, which has repaired small boats and ships for the past 101 years. 

Resting in the shadows of the drydock are two of the most advanced research centers in Seattle. The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center and ZymoGenetics, a diabetes research firm. 

Taking a walk through Eastlake, there are no decrepit chain stores like Starbucks or McDonalds. Instead, the streets are filled with aromas drifting through the doors of ethnic restaurants like the Tuscany Grill and Tokyo Jim's. Hundreds of tiny, owner-occupied stores sell everything from antique Pokemon and Dragonball Z collectibles to the latest in gothic fashion and music. 

On a typical day, couples enjoy dinner along the docks to live music or stroll through some of the small, but well maintained Japanese gardens. Children play in Rogers Playground while mimes and street magicians entertain shoppers visiting from the less civilized zones of Seattle. 

Eastlake's prosperity depends greatly on visitors from less civilized zones of Seattle. Most of the visitors are allowed in through one of four security checkpoints searching for everything from basic staples to beer brewed at one of the 11 small breweries. While in Eastlake, most take time to enjoy some of the street bands, take in a production at the Kabuki theater or just relax and enjoy the peaceful community. A few just walk the cobblestone streets and hope to catch a glimpse of one of the many geishas that call Eastlake home. 

While in Eastlake, the most noticeable absences in the community are the homeless, junkies, prostitutes, pimps, thugs, corrupt police and gangbangers that plague other Seattle neighborhoods. Even careful observers might fail to recognize the well-trained security force that operates in Eastlake. The blend in with the crowd, some in X-metal Oakleys and Armani suits, others in shorts and Don Ho style shirts. But, they are there. And they're well trained, well armed and exceptionally lethal if necessary. 

In the initial riots after the pulse, a small security company called Matsuda, operated in Eastlake. When called upon by several community organizations, Matsuda stepped forward and restored order in Eastlake with what can be regarded as a brutal efficiency. The Eastlake Community Council instituted a 2-cents sales tax to pay the bill for annual protection by Matsuda. Which proved to be a wise move, the crime rate in this waterfront community is the lowest in Seattle. Even lower than the crime rate before the pulse. 

While Eastlake might seem like some forgotten urban utopia, a small Mayberry nestled in the heart of chaos, there is rumored to be a dark side. Seattle police have tried repeatedly to connect Matsuda to the Japanese Yakuza that operates in along the docks south of Denny Regrade. However, these authorities have yet to create any connection between Matsuda and the Sachi-gami yakuza clan. 

Whatever the truth may be, the rumors and innuendo have had a lasting effect on the urban legends of Eastlake. After a city judge handed out excessively heavy sentences to several yakuza soldiers, he was beheaded in the parking lot of the downtown courthouse. Witnesses claim the assassin was dressed in black with a mesh veil. Before fleeing the scene, he recovered the judges head and allegedly said "Matsuda ninja revenge." The legend says the judge's head is kept in a jar in the wine cellar of Tokyo Jim's Mexican Sushi Bar. 

In the next issue of Streets of Seattle: Denny Regrade. The cesspool of Seattle. The city's worst neighborhood without a doubt. Get an inside look at the squatters, drug lords, gangbangers, prostitutes, homeless and the out-and- out insane. 

_ENGAGEMENTS_

_By Jennem1_

Andrea Smith and John Brancusi are happy to announce their upcoming nuptials. The couple met during the recent hostage situation at the First Bank of Seattle. Ms. Smith, of the United Department Store Smiths, was making a deposit at the time of the attempted robbery. Mr. Brancusi, a member of the Bank's founding family, was instrumental in achieving the swift release of all hostages, including Ms. Smith. 

Ms. Smith is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Smith of Sector 9. Mr. Brancusi is the son of Louise Brancusi of Sector 9, and William Brancusi, current whereabouts unknown. 

The wedding will be held on May 18, 2021, at the Sector 7 branch of the Church of Electromagnetic Scientology, of which they are both members. The couple is asking that in lieu of gifts, donations should be made to the Church's Widows, Orphans, and Lost Pets fund. 

_DEATHS ELSEWHERE_

_By Wonkavator_

Julia Roberts, the ex-Hollywood recluse, best known for her role as a prostitute in the 1980s hit "Pretty Woman," was found dead yesterday morning in her mobile home outside Villa Rica, Georgia. The cause of death appears to be accidental overdose. An autopsy performed yesterday by Harlem County coroner Toby Binkley found that Ms. Roberts ingested a lethal combination of alcohol and prescription pills. 

The press dubbed the late actress the "21st Century Garbo" after she suddenly left Hollywood in 2002 while in the midst of filming her final picture, "Pretty Woman Too." Ms. Roberts was often compared to the 20th century Hollywood legend, as both actresses faded rather mysteriously from the public eye. Many close to Ms Roberts attributed her behavior as a reaction to the controversial drug Hepatrin, prescribed as a treatment for her private and often crippling battle with depression. 

Larry Dell, Ms. Roberts' uncle and only surviving relative, discovered her body Sunday morning while bringing Ms. Roberts a delivery of cat food. Police say that Mr. Dell brought cat food to his niece every month and hadn't contacted her since his previous visit. 

Mr. Dell, who was also the last person to see her alive, described her mood on his last visit as "sad....even for her."

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**HOROSCOPES**

GEMINI You get one thing and then you lose another. It's either feast or famine. It's up to you to find a way to strike some kind of balance between your personal and professional life, Gemini. Once you lock into that perfect source of nourishment, your outlook improves dramatically. 

CANCERMoon is in Jupiter this week, Cancer, and this means you need to watch your pennies! Finances will be tight for a while, and it looks as if you need to stock up again on little things such as peppermint oil. A new neighbor will be coming into your life, and this means a confrontation later on in the week regarding stolen electricity. Keep a clear head, and you will be able to reach a worthy compromise. A career change may be in your future, requiring consideration about finding a location in a new Sector, so make sure to keep your eyes open for vacant buildings while out on the town. Lucky days: The 24th will find a new love interest vying for your attention. The 27th will bring you much needed rest and relaxation. 

LEO With Mercury in retrograde, expect plenty of personal brownouts this week. But a favorable location for Libra means you might just find someone to share them with as you're waiting on the food line. But don't buy the grapefruit. 

VIRGO Everything's looking pretty blank this week, Virgo.If you're maintaining a low profile, then it's all good.If you're more of the outgoing type...we suggest you watch your back.

LIBRA Watch your investments this week, Libra, whether they be in a Swiss bank or stuffed under your mattress. Someone close to you is looking to grab what you have. On the work front, there could be new opportunities if you keep your eyes open and make sure you're the first on line. Best day to go shopping: Tuesday Best day to bring home a new pet: Friday Lucky numbers: 7,8,9,11,2689 

SCORPIO The fluctuating rat population hasn't got you down, does it, Scorpio?You've always been one to use what you've got, and this week is no exception.You'll find even more ways to increase your assets, be it through rat traps or rat recipes. 

SAGITTARIUS Welcome to the party, as your sign rapidly moves through the social sphere of the heavens.Get together with a few good friends or a hundred acquaintances (but watch out for spiked punch).But it's not the time to make any new long-term associations, so keep it light.

CAPRICORN You will experience a few problems down the line to the effects of financial stability and infestation of your current residence. A big decision will arise that you must make that could make things better and ease your lifestyle. The choice you make will be a big step forward or backward for you. Choose wisely. 

AQUARIUS You are destined for bright days to come. You will be well off and happy for these up and coming days, and your money will flow respectively. However, be aware and watch closely your investments, Aquarius, because the slightest slip or minor error could be your downfall. Take proper precautions on business transactions as well, Make sure that you are getting the better part of the deal.

PISCES Today and the next week you will feel a refreshing sense of purpose, plan on taking a vacation to get away from it all and remember to pack ONE sleeping bag, however be weary of Aquarius who will thwart your plans if you do not implement them in a hurry. 

ARIES You will be faced with great hardships. You will lose one thing after another, and it your life will become ideally hard. Prepare for the worst. Things will look down before they will look up. However, if you make it through all this, better times will follow. Face the worst of times, Aries, and a reward awaits you in the end. 

TAURUS Keep a close watch on the real estate market this week, Taurus. Configurations are not favorable regarding your home situation, so make sure to give an extra nod to your mortgage holder, landlord, or neighborhood police officer. Tuesday will be a good day to try something new. 

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**CLASSIFIEDS**

SWM with own flaming garbage can seeks female, age/race/religion unimportant, to share long walks around the perimeter, cuddling beneath cardboard boxes, and rummaging for food. Come warm your hands at my fire.

FOR SALE One Dodge 75, pre-Pulse truck, in good condition. Slight denting due to riots in 2014. Windshield cracked due to gang war in Clemson, 2018. No radio, no A/C, but the heater still works and the tires are still good. Barter for secondhand Sony Sonik III computer or 500 pounds of fertilizer for greenhouse or best offer. Inquire at South Market. Dave.

FOUND. Fifty crates of Ready To Eat Rations in abandoned building. Don't know what's in them, but its expiration date is 2021, so they're going fast!!!!! Barter and sell whatever you have, within reason. First Come, first serve. Veterans of Baltic War get five free pouches prior to proper ID check. No gangbangers or Black Marketeers! WARNING! The place is now guarded by me and my crew, so no funny stuff. We've got the latest AKs from R of AK, and we know how to use 'em, buddy. Gig's NW of Clemson, where the Neutral's still holding. (Ten pouches free to the families of anybody getting killed on route or on premises by gang war.) Better hurry before the Sector Fuzz finds us. Da Ripper of the 9th Street Trippin'.

HELP WANTED: Package delivery facilitator. Applicant should be dedicated, hard working, and have own bicycle and bulletproof vest or flak jacket. Good attitude and professional appearance a must. Apply Box 6472.

FOR SALE 10GHz processor; misc. circuitry boards; surveillance camera; armor plating. All by Cale Inc., post-pulse, operational! GET THEM BEFORE THEY'RE GONE!! Barter for firearms and/or ammo possible.

TGO seeks beautiful latina woman approx 20 years of age with reddish brown hair and magnetic personality, but will also except dog with same qualities.

Sexy SWF looking for hot virile SM of any nationality. must love football and cars and enjoy mountain biking. must be between 19-23

TDAG seeks acting job, as my personal pride was striped by my sister having to jumpstart my terrible career as an actor, I will do anything, Mickey D's commercials, Power Nipple Commercials, hell even P***

FOR SALE: A jar of pre-pulse pickles found in a hole in my backyard. Price: 30:00$ and a can opener.

FOUND. One human arm, preserved in something I don't even want to know about. Discovered it in some abandoned silo where all those Black Hummers been roaming around. If you're into to sick stuff, call me up at 555-5462 and we can barter. Better hurry because the neighbors are looking at me funny. J. Dahmer.

Wanted... used X5's. Must be in good condition and reasonably priced. Call 555 1223 and leave message.

FOR SALE: Used Subaru Outback equipped with Firestone Tires need to sell off quick, I have a rather large family and can't deal with accidents, plus I need the money to send my kids to school, if interested please phone me Jake Thompson @ 543 6778. PP

For hire. Hacker with (edited for content) attitude. Good dresser, unshaven, has own transportation.


	2. Second Edition: Out

EYES ONLY: The Man Behind the Screen 

**Welcome to the second edition of "Streets of Seattle."Want to participate?Visit the "Streets of Seattle" folder at [www.delphi.com/darkangelfans/messages][1]or email [jennem@usa.net][2] or reply here (via review) with an email.Everyone is welcome, and no writing experience is necessary.**

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!Writers live for feedback, and we've got lots of writers here!**

**Disclaimer: We do not own the Dark Angel universe, the characters therein, or any details as mentioned in the scripts/episode of Dark Angel.All other characters and items in this production belong to the respective writers.However, no profit is sought or will be made from this production.**

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**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**June 4, 2019**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._****

Editor in Chief: Jennem1 

  
Managing Editor: Samcrazy   
  


Conspiracy Girl: cg-double-o-nuffin (mousie)   
  


Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Official Mail Girl: Logans_Babe

Contributing Reporter: Ninja650   
  


Contributing Reporter: The Rock   
  


Contributing Reporter: Weirdarchive   
  


Contributing Reporter: Angushardie

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby

Contributing Reporter: Daf9

Contributing Reporter: Willow771

Contributing Reporter: 727Angel

Contributing Reporter: GurgoshX5

Contributing Reporter: Lucifer6Lexi

**********************************

LOCAL NEWS __

_POWER COMPANIES SAY: NO MORE BROWNOUTS_

_By Lucifer6Lexi _

At a very talked about press conference today, the major power companies told reporters that "there will be no more brownouts." It sounds nice, but does anyone truly believe this rash promise? After all, brownouts have been occurring at almost regular intervals, and recently, instead of decreasing in numbers, they have actually increased. 

So where do the companies get the authority to say this? The speaker who said this wasn't just a naive new worker, he was the CEO of Lights Out Inc. He also announced that Lights Out Inc. was coming under control of a new company, one that preferred to remain nameless. Did this new company offer untold millions to fix Seattle's power? If so, what was their reasoning? Could they have just been running low on candles, or tired of romantic interludes between odd couples? 

A young JamPony rider, who asked to remain anonymous, said brownouts are a good romantic beginning to sex. This young man was accompanied by another man, who replied to this, but I'm afraid I couldn't understand him. The first young man roughly translated this as "Whether it is true or not, it is all good, all the time." 

Doing a bit of research, I found Seattle's brownout problem comparable to a power shortage in California at the end of the 20th century. Promises were also made there that power would soon be back, but really wasn't fixed until close to a decade later. And, coincidentally, the problems ended after former President Bush was assassinated and Nader elected. Nader started a new company called Lights On, sponsored by an unknown source, and soon grossing about a billion dollars a year. 

The question remains, are brownouts really over? Is it the end of changing "just friends" into couples everywhere? Only time will tell.

**********************************

_OIL STOLEN BY SLIPPERY THIEF _

_Culprit Slipped Away, Claims Security Guard _

_By Angushardie_

In other news this, week staff at the Italian consulate in Seattle were surprised yesterday to find that thieves had stolen a quantity of extra virgin olive oil from the consulate kitchens. The consulate imports all of its food due to the difficulty of locally sourcing foodstuffs, and staff are worried that they may be unable to enjoy many dishes that are usually available until replacement supplies can be obtained.   
  


The large security staff seemed baffled by the crime when this reporter interviewed chief of security Marco Betini: "It is a mystery to us. One minute the oil was there and then when our chief returned it was gone. We have no leads. The culprit just slipped away!"   
  


Sources inside the consulate suggest that heads may roll on this issue. As one said yesterday, "There is concern, yes. Where someone could steal this item, they could also have poisoned other items, we have had to dispose of several kilos of food that we were unable to confirm the safety of."   
  


The key question that is on everybody's lips is why? Perhaps we will never know. But perhaps it was just that someone wanted authentic Italian cuisine?   
Incidentally if it was YOU who stole the oil then over in the features section we have a recipe for a delicious Italian style chicken. So you can enjoy your ill gotten gains.   
  


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_ODOROUS EMISSIONS _

by Dammachine

Last week the President of the Minnows for Seattle gave a speech to all who would listen about the state of the fish and wild life in the area. "Something is amiss" She warned. "The high level of toxins will pose a hazard in the soon to be now." 

It's apparent to this reporter that the President of the Minnows for Seattle is a few lures short of a full tackle box. She pointed out a strange odor coming from an area close to the water front. An area high in crime and next to a major express way. "An area that needs your attention" she warned as she continued. "We will be needing volunteers to help us determine what is causing the odorous emissions" If your interested in helping out the Minnows for Seattle group please contact them at 555-5343

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_BLOOD SHORTAGE_

_Daf9_

Researchers at UW Seattle are among seven groups across the United States desperately attempting to develop an inexpensive and effective blood substitute. Efforts to create blood substitutes have been underway for more than 30 years now but the current problems with a reliable blood supply have renewed interest in this project. Dr. Max Abraham of the Department of Hematology and Immunology leads the UW research team. "We currently have several products in the development and testing stage and are recruiting volunteers for a phase I trial to begin this summer."

**********************************

CONSPIRACY 

_EYES ONLY: The Man Behind the Screen _

_by Ninja650_

Streets of Seattle's chief reporter, Ninja650, goes face to....screen, in an interview with the all knowing Eyes Only. 

_SOS: So...Mr. Eyes only? What made you decide to start doing what you do? _

**EyesOnly: **It's a mean and messed up world we live in today. There are people out there struggling, trying to make ends meet. Meanwhile, there are other people out there taking advantage of this crisis and seizing every opportunity to do wrong without having any repercussions of any kind. It is our duty as citizens of this country to help make this place better, back to the way it was. Someone had to step up to the plate. 

_SOS: And that person was you?_

**EyesOnly: **The city,...the _country_, is filled with corrupt people, mostly in high places, and the proper authorities look the other way if given the right amount of cash. Something needs to be done about this and if I,_WE_, don't do something about it, the world is going to get a lot worse. 

_SOS: So you think that exposing the corrupt creating a stir make the world better?_

**EyesOnly: **One day this depression will be over, and when it is, it would be nice if there was something left. There will be nothing if we continue to allow these people to do as they please and continue corrupting our society. 

_SOS: So, you really think that all this will end?_

**EyesOnly: **It's a possibility. Of course you can't fully get rid of the evils in the world, but you can try. 

_SOS: How, exactly, do you know all these things?_

**EyesOnly: **I know people. 

_SOS: Would Detective Sung be one of these people?_

**EyesOnly: **Why do you ask? 

_SOS: I heard a report that a one, Detective Matt Sung, was recently held captive and tortured. The reason why was unfounded, but rumor has it that he knew something about you...Eyes Only, and they were trying to get information out of him. Is this true?_

**EyesOnly: **I will neither confirm nor deny that claim but what I will say is this. I know a lot about what's going on in the police department and Detective Sung is one of the few who's kept his head on straight throughout this ordeal. He takes pride in doing his job and doing it right. He's working to make a difference, as should others. This place would be a whole hell of a lot better if we had more people out there just like him. Any more questions? 

_SOS: Ummmm......no. No, I think we're done here. Thank you for your time._

**EyesOnly: **No problem. 

***************************

_IS ECHELON REALLY GONE?_

_By CG double-oh-nuffin' _

Years ago we were informed that the Echelon spy system was no longer operational. But we have to ask ourselves...is this true?   
  


There has been a conspiracy between many governments in the past, a joining together to deceive an manipulate the masses. Their partnership was called the UKUSA. It involved such countries as Australia, New Zealand, Canada, The USA, Great Britain and others. Some of the allies claim to be enemies of the USA now, but we have to wonder...is it just part of some other master plan?   
  


Through the Echelon system all communications can be monitored. Every satellite can be used to observe us. Any conversation could cause us to be place on "The List".   
The government claims that Echelon isn't there anymore, but are they lying? More Next Week.

**********************************

MEDICINE

_NEW CURE FOR LUNG CANCER_

_By Daf9_

An international team of medical doctors and basic scientists headed by Dr. Albert Schwenkel of the University of Washington's Center for Ecogenetics and Environmental Health today proudly announced a new cure for lung cancer was just around the corner. Based on an idea originally put forward by Dr. Schwenkel, the scientists had theorized that since non human primates are apparently less susceptible to lung cancer than humans, the integration of gorilla DNA into the lung cells of patients might slow or even halt progression of the disease. 

Using vectors based on the virus responsible for the common cold, the scientists introduced gorilla DNA for two key enzymes responsible for detoxifying inhaled environmental carcinogens into the lungs of 20 terminally ill patients. The viruses were introduced in a modified cherry-flavored "bubble-gum". The use of gum as a delivery vehicle was credited with improving the efficacy of the treatment as a result of increased patient compliance rates compared to more conventional chemotherapeutic agents. Patients reported "enjoying" the gum. 

After 15 months, 17 of the patients are still alive. 5 have shown complete regression of their tumors while the remaining 12 have shown partial responses. A smiling Dr. Schwenkel told this reporter "We have succeeded beyond our wildest expectations. With conventional treatment 18 of these patients would be dead by now. And I would like to add that we are all very grateful to Ms. Jondy Smith, a former student in the laboratory who originally suggested the use of cherry flavored bubble gum to deliver the treatment." Ms. Smith who was considered an exceptionally gifted young scientist by her mentors withdrew from UW's graduate program only months before she was scheduled to receive her M.D./Ph.D. degree. Her departure followed closely on the initiation of an inquiry into the validity of her undergraduate transcripts. 

A larger phase III study is now underway to study long term effects of the gorilla DNA procedure but doctors are extremely optimistic that this treatment will not only extend the life span of patients with advanced lung cancer but may be adapted in the future to reduce the risks of developing lung cancer in high risk patients. 

Meanwhile, the American Cancer Society continues to warn Americans about the dangers of smoking. The so-called "low-tar-and-nicotine" cigarettes currently flooding the Black Market are considered particularly dangerous. 

**********************************

EDITORIAL

_ONE MORE SOURCE OF MONEY_

_By Shnapzie _

Quick history lesson: back in the late 19th century, child labor laws were passed. These ensured that children couldn't skip school to work, whether by their own choice , or because their parents required them to. These laws stayed in effect for decades; it was just another given that school attendance was mandatory and that six-year-olds couldn't be serving coffee at the local Starbucks. 

Last week, I went to the drugstore stand on South Market to pick up a more potent rat poison. The only person attending the setup was a boy who couldn't be more than twelve years old. Only a boy to handle money and credit, and to deal with any of the number of thugs who feel that the phrase "controlled substance" doesn't apply to them. 

Once I noticed this, I observed other similar situations. The ten-year-old "interns" at the food distribution centers, the children who run up to visible tourists and plead with them to buy handmade bric-a-brac, the group of pre-teens selling imported newspapers on the corner (the Canadian Morning Sun, the Moscow Gong, etc.) And now these reports of children being abducted, or even sold, to do unmentionable things all over the globe. 

It's hard to believe that all of these children are on their own, but what parent would force their kids to go out and work? Perplexed, I started talking to my neighbor in the apartment downstairs, whose son ran away last year. I asked her if she was worried about him, why she thought he did it. "Kid was an accident anyway," was her reply, "and not pulling his own weight to boot. He'll be okay. Spent enough time on the streets growing up that he knows how to survive. Anyway, it's one less mouth to feed." This attitude is in no way a minority, either, and I think that's what sickens me most. 

"Maternal instinct" flew out the window with the Pulse. All that children are today is either an extra pair of hands to bring in money, or a drain on the food supply. Child labor laws aren't being enforced because the public doesn't want them to be. What a great society we live in today, where parents, mothers and fathers, would riot across America if even that small source of additional revenue was no longer permitted.

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_TOOTHPASTE SHORTAGE: WILL DEODORANT BE NEXT?_

_By Lucifer6Lexi _

While vanilla extract sales are at a record high, and Crest costs more on the black market than most drugs, will deodorant be next? The Pulse seems determined to wipe the city of Seattle free of all personal hygiene whatsoever, we can only guess what is coming next, not unlike Jennem1's name. The poor denizens of Seattle already have to cope with the unbearable fumes from locals mouths (an as of yet unconfirmed rumor is that many tourists have passed out from it) will we soon have to deal with armpit odors too? 

I'm not too sure of how much more this city can take. It is true we can make a substitute toothpaste, but how can we make a substitute deodorant? If you have any ideas, please, please write in and it will be published in next weeks edition of Streets of Seattle.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor, 

Are you kidding us? 16 ways to grill rat? Who has the time ...or the firewood? My neighbors and me, we want more articles on how to prepare cold road kill. 

2 soggy sticks to my name.

Dear Editor, 

I am an employee at the local Italian Embassy. Last week, our cook almost had an apoplexy when he found out that his imported bottle of extra virgin olive oil was missing. He ripped all his under-cooks a new one, though they swore on their mothers' graves that they had no idea where it went (and I have the marks to prove it! Workplace abuse, that's what it is!). _It's just a bottle of olive oil_, you're probably thinking. Wrong! It's _imported_, from his own garden back in Italy, and with the way the international mail system is, it takes around 2 months to get another one in. Usually, there is more on hand, but because of a large banquet with a number of _very hungry_ diplomats recently, the other bottles of oil were used up. So, if that thief is reading this...shame on you! 

Disgruntled employee

Dear Editor, 

I was very concerned to read about the toothpaste shortage plaguing Seattle. Someone told me that peppermint oil and baking soda make a fine substitute and I would like to do my civic duty. Unfortunately my company sells neither peppermint oil nor baking soda - but we do have 5000 gallons of rancid fish oil. Seattle, its yours. 

Businessman looking for a charitable deduction

EDiToR, 

mY name are Tina, I is NoT lIkEs your PaPer. It NoT Is NiCer cOloRed than mY oLD oNEs. I is nOT happyed Tht u isd got nO Pitchrs in yoUrs papr. I liKeD piturS. PleEZE pUt PItRs in YourS Papr. 

tInA

Dear Editor, 

I am writing in response to Mr. Shnapzie's moving Memorial Day editorial. It saved my life. I was out gathering bottles and newspapers when the article in question caught my eye. The bottles and newspapers were going to be turned into my local swap shop, hopefully in exchange for enough propane to keep my oven going long enough to kill myself. My grandson had died earlier that day. He was caught in the crossfire of that Sector Police/ drug smuggler shootout down by the docks earlier in the week. His injuries were not supposed to be life threatening but because of the blood shortage he died anyway. I was thinking about what a senseless waste his death was and how things had ever ended up in such a sorry state that a young man couldn't be saved because corruption had made the blood supply unreliable and an old lady couldn't even afford to kill herself. Anyway I saw Mr. Shnapzie's article and I stopped to read it. I had forgotten it was Memorial Day! One of my sons (now deceased from one of those Gulf War illnesses that the government continues to deny actually exists) and my daughter both served in Desert Storm. My older brother was one of the National Guardsmen who died in the Kent State riots. One of my uncles was killed in Korea and my mother's first husband died at Pearl Harbor. My maternal grandfather lost both his legs while serving in Siberia during the Great War to end all wars, WWI. How could I of all people forget Memorial Day? At first I thought that the failure of the government to observe this national holiday was just another reason why it was time for me to end it all. But as I continued to read the article I realized that despite everything that is wrong with this country today there are still people like Mr. Shnapzie who remember. And that if my grandfather and uncle and brother and children had believed in this country enough to fight for it, it would be irresponsible and shameful of me to trivialize their sacrifice by deliberately killing myself. God bless you Mr. Shnapzie for reminding me. 

A grateful reader 

PS. I have enclosed a box of homemade chocolate-chip cookies.I saw no point in letting the propane go to waste.

**********************************

ENTERTAINMENT

_REVIEW—TEENWORLD MAGAZINE_

_By Jox5_

This week because I didn't feel like doing any real reporting I decided to review a magazine I was reading instead of working. 

TeenWorld is your basic teen magazine that sells by showing pictures of make-up that nobody can afford any more and boys who we will never meet. Over half of the magazine was dedicated to the bikini and most of the rest was spent telling girls they were fat. I did enjoy reading the advice section though. It said what to do if your guy was a two-timer. 

My final thought: sure beats working. 

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_WHERE ARE THEY NOW?_

_From TeenWorld magazine, the best magazine in all of Europe, Canada, Latin America, and the good ol' USA!:_

_By Weirdarchive_

Our 'Where are they now?' forum, where you get to ask where the hotties and sweeties from the last thirty years are doing now!

_Yeah, my dad keeps on gushing about this chick named Britney Spears and how she was so hot in those midriff clothes. My mom thinks she was a slut then and a slut now. What is she doing now? _Jessie, Toronto, Canada

Well, Jessie, seems Ms. Spears (or rather the ex Mrs. Nick Stahl) has forsaken her past life as the Turn's Worst Lip Sync Legend and has become the leader of the Nation of Islam, Reformed. Her new name is Samantha Adjia and she has renounced all her royalties to her CDs, books, movies, and especially that ill planned PLAYBOY pictorial in 2007 which hastened her downfall. Guess some boys don't want their dream girls growing up. You can't write to her because of her present status as America's Most Wanted Fugitive, but her tapes denouncing Israel's Operation Jericho's Wraith have been hot listening in the Muslim Underground.

_Yo, Ge! How's it hanging with Kristen Dunst? I saw the uncut unrated version of **TOUCH OF VELVET, WHISPER OF SILK** where she got hot and heavy with that Chinese hottie Zhang Ziyi and believe me, they were tasty! What happened? _Chief Onyx Green, Seattle, Washington

You'll be pleased to know that Ms. Dunst and her companion for life Ms. Ziyi will be celebrating their wedding anniversary this August in their home on the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone. Ms. Dunst had retired from acting shortly after the furor of her coming out and her graphic lesbian scenes, but she continues to keep in touch with Hollywood by producing some of the best Asian films ever imported. Ms. Ziyi will be next featured in the classic horror series from China _MY EYES GO GRAY_, where she plays a hard boiled detective in Post Pulse Los Angeles Chinatown dealing with the demons from beyond and her personal phobias. Rumor has it she'll be up for another Oscar in the latest chapter. We'll keep you posted on airdates.

_Settle a bet for me and my sister. I say Sarah Jessica Parker's doing a talk show for Japan's NHK-MTV. My sister says she's a senator for New York. Who's right? _Patricia, Fairbanks, Republic of Alaska

Boy, we rarely get mail from you Alaskans due to the blockade! Sadly, Ms. Parker died during the New York City Riots in 2012 while doing a Broadway benefit for the Survivors of The Dark Months. According to scuttlebutt, Ms. Parker's politics may have been a factor in her death because of her outspoken views against the Sector Police. Her husband Matthew Broderick moved to England after her death and is now working for the BBC. Our continued condolences to Mr. Broderick over his loss.

_Hey, man. What about that group from **POPSTARS**, Eden's Crush? I found a bunch of their promo stuff in this basement and I want to know if they're collectible._ Carlos, Dallas Free Zone, Texas

If they're so collectible, what are they doing in a basement? Eden's Crush's fame came and went as soon as fans hooked on the next thing. Soon afterwards, three members of the group made accusations of mental abuse and torture from the producers and the Pre-Pulse Congress had a few words with them and those 'reality' shows. The resulting lawsuits and break-up wasn't much to speak of, except now those girls are either doing adult sex shows in Las Vegas or Bangkok or have dropped out of the radar entirely! We'll keep you posted on their whereabouts as soon as we can find out their names. As for that promo material....I hear fuel in the Dallas Free Zone is getting hard to come by with all those oil wells under separatist hands.

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THIS WEEK'S TELEVISION HIGHLIGHTS 

"Survivor #19: Out to Sea" The Survivors struggle to, well, survive on an abandoned Alaskan oil rig. Julie and Eric battle for immunity when the supply helicopter fails to arrive. Thursday, 9PM, EBC. 

"Friends" Yes the gang from friends, now visibly showing their age have problems when Rachel's mom passes away, and Joey finally moves out of the apartment! that's this weeks Friends! 

"That 90's Show" Eric and Donna go searching for homes in the Detroit area, meanwhile Red is searching for his false teeth, and Jackie and Kelso pose nude for a mens/womens magazine, all that and more hilarity on That 90's Show. 

"Red Dwarf" Lister finds the ultimate curry. Rimmer tries to get Tchaikansky into his bed, yet again. Kryten has a crises when he can't get the red spots off of Lister's shirt.

Silly Jessy Raphael: 60 years of in vitro fertilization have taken their toll on family relationships. Because fertilized embryos can be frozen almost indefinately before being implanted and subsequently born, many individuals find themselves with sisters and brothers 50 years older than themselves. This week Silly Jessy interviews members of some of the so-called SNAFU families in which women have married their sister's grandsons and given birth to their own great uncles. Silly's other guests include psychologists and social scientists who have studied these families and Miss Manners who explains the proper way to seat such a family around the Thanksgiving Day table.

THIS WEEK'S SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS

Rollerball semi-finals, Toronto Versus London at the New Wimbly Thunderdome. Can Team Maple give the Union Jacks a thrashing on their quest for the Jonathan E Cup? Blackpool, Jersey City, and Las Vegas oddsmakers are too close to call as these traditional league rivals will duke out live at 1 PM EST on ESPN2, with rebroadcast at 7 PM EST on ESPN. See Malcolm O'Brien of the Jacks make good his threat to Team Maple Captain Roosevelt Chang (Recently acquired from the Hong Kong Tigers who had beaten O'Brien's team several times in violent clashes where his brother Philip was a causality.) over the '18 loss in the Singapore game. These two have a serious feud that only matures in rage, so the officials may have to put them under bench watch once the penalties pile-up. Also check out the new rookie cycle Blazer Carlos of the Jacks. His rep from the Mexico City Q has him placed high on the Jacks' roster and O'Brien himself has made his admiration for the young Mexican publicly known as 'The brother I had thought lost, but now reborn.'. Team Maple will try to see if The Brother Reborn can be The Brother Re-Slain. _WARNING: contains violence. Parents strongly cautioned._

MOVIES ON CINEPLEX 1, CANADA

_TOUCH OF VELVET, WHISPER OF SILK (Director's Version) 2008_, starring Kristin Dunst and Zhang Ziyi. Directed by Ang Lee. Rated NC-17.

During the early 1900s in Imperial China, a young missionary (Dunst) is drawn to the mysterious world of a concubine (Ziyi) and discovers a love that is forbidden in both cultures. This controversial picture won five Oscars, including Best Actress for Dunst and Ziyi (a rare co-win in Academy history) and Best Picture for its frank portrayal of homosexuality in the Victorian Era. One of the recent additions to the National Film Registry in London.

_Contains frank sexual matters and violence. Parents strongly cautioned._

**********************************

SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION

Tired of finding mud stains on your clothes?   
Don't want your friends to know where you've been  
or what you've been doing? Try

X-Tinguish

**_X-Tinguish_** is the stain remover that is specially formulated   
to get rid of the mud, dirt and grime produced   
by the rain that plagues our fair city.

To order, please call **_The Chaos Chemical Corp._** at 555-XTIN.

(Manufacturer not responsible for any damage due   
to clothes or skin from contact with this product.)

**********************************

**FEATURES**

ODDITIES

_By Logans_Babe _

As many of us know, when the Pulse hit, it hit hard. Many people lost everything, and didn't gain any of it back. Those people have been living in abandoned buildings or empty cars. Mainly where ever they can find to give them shelter. They have little, if anything at all. So it surprised the news crew when we found out about the strange recreational activities that they have every Tuesday. 

First, the "community members" perform a small ritual: smacking the newest in the face and demanding a small fee of one rat per person. Once you are in, they have a variety of different games. Some such as the Toe Clipping Derby, are oddly disturbing. But others like the belching contest just scream fun. There are many other games including the Race the Rat for the Meal, Junk yard wars, and Who had What for Breakfast. When you leave, you get a slap on the cheek, but they keep your rat. 

If you are in the area and would like to check the games out, go to Sector 3 around Black Street. Just remember to bring a rat for the games. 

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IT'S A BIRD! IT"S A PLANE! IT'S... A GIRL?   
by GurgoshX5

In other news, ghosts have been sighted in the old Cameron Mansion in the high-rise district. Josh Vogel and friend Rocko Jones spent the night in the mansion on a dare. According to them, they woke at around three in the morning and heard ghostly screams. They opened their eyes to the horrifying sight of a female ghost clubbing a ghost of a small boy over the head with a lamp. Josh and Rocko ran from the room and down the stairs. Pictures were flying off the walls and one hit Rocko in the head, requiring eight stitches. 

On Saturday, many people phoned the police to report that they'd seen Superwoman. Eye-witness accounts reveal that this girl was seen jumping over 3 trucks in a single bound, dodging bullets fired by the sector police, and hurling a motorcycle over 15 feet to evade capture and injure her foes. A military contact reports this girl as extremely dangerous to all who cross her path. If anyone has any information on her, they can contact the Sector Police at 555-2677. The girl was described as approximately 5'6", curly shoulder length hair, and pouty lips. 

If anyone would like to share a tale of the supernatural, please call STREETS OF SEATTLE at 555-0913.

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HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY 

_by Shnapzie_

Go to your neighborhood Laundromat and snatch up a box of dryer sheets some person so foolishly left unattended. Besides the fact that you now have a "relatively inexpensive" box of dryer sheets, you can also use them as a replacement for perfume! 

Girls, when getting ready for a date, just wipe one of these sweeties on you. You'll smell "mountain breeze" fresh, and will have the added bonus of the static electricity not drawing you nearer to your unattractive gentleman caller more than absolutely necessary. (On the flip side, if he's cute--you may want to consider black market air freshener. What man can't resist the smell of processed lilac scent!

**********************************

CLASSIFIEDS 

PERSONALS

Single Hispanic Female. looking for a single man to hug, kiss, and to hold tight   
in the cold, cold mornings. call 555-0125, ask for Chica Bonita 

Single Black Female Looking for a "boo to scratch with". call 573-6157.  
  


Single White Male looking for a "girl" who grew up in "The Castle". Possibly from   
around "Gillette". call 555-9107 ask for the "big brother"   
  


Single Male Seeks intelligent woman, with a fine sense of art, opera, wine, and with   
the dexterity of a cat. call 555-9170 ask for L.

Single Black Female Looking for a witty lesbian to cook dinner, and "chill" with.   
call 555-4300, ask for Diamond Eyes. 

Single White Female looking for a man with a with spiky hair, cute glasses,   
millions of dollars in art on his walls, and a lot of computers. Call 555-6720 I'll answer 

Lily's Choice, 

I'm not sure if anyone else caught this, but "L" and "I'll answer" are perfect for each other! And I also think that "Diamond Eyes" and "Single Hispanic Female" would work great.. As for "Chica Bonita" and "Big Brother", well, they could try each other out, but I don't think that there Lily's Choice, unless "Chica" is from Gillette... 

But Lily's OFFICIAL Choice is... L. and I'll answer! Now, if one of you is reading this, DROP THE PAPER! RUN TO THE NEAREST PHONE! AND well maybe you should keep the paper to DIAL THE OTHER'S #! GO! Call NOW! 

LOST AND FOUND

LOST: Name: Tiger. Looks like a cat. Favorite saying, "Meow." If you have any information call Steph@ 555-2438.

FOUND: Black backpack with messenger service logo. Paperwork in the bag looks important, so I'm being nice. You tell me what's in the hidden pocket and give me half, the rest is all yours.

LOST: New dress with price tags on it. Last seen on mannequin in store. Reward of two toilet paper rolls to any who turn dress over. Contact Hopeful Thief @ 555-4576

FOUND: One German Shepherd mix. Seems the owner left in a damned hurry. Anyone who knows the owner or the pooch, contact me at the South Market because my Rottweiler has 'issues' if you get my drift. Barney The Louse.

   [1]: http://www.delphi.com/darkangelfans/messages
   [2]: mailto:jennem@usa.net



	3. Third Edition: Red

C The big golden "C" hanging out front says it all

**Welcome to the third edition of "Streets of Seattle."Want to participate?Visit the "Streets of Seattle" website at [http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem][1] or email [jennem@usa.net][2] or reply here (via review) with an email.Everyone is welcome, and no writing experience is necessary.** ****

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!Writers live for feedback, and we've got lots of writers here!**

**Disclaimer: We do not own the Dark Angel universe, the characters therein, or any details as mentioned in the scripts/episode of Dark Angel.All other characters and items in this production belong to the respective writers.However, no profit is sought or will be made from this production.**

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**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._****

Editor in Chief: Jennem1 

Managing Editor: Samcrazy 

Conspiracy Girl: cg-double-o-nuffin (mousie) 

Entertainment Editor: Jox5

Opinion Editor: Shnapzie

Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly

Contributing Reporter: Ninja650 

Contributing Reporter: Preciousjax

Contributing Reporter: Rudiye

Contributing Reporter: Swordmeister

Contributing Reporter: The Rock 

Contributing Reporter: Weirdarchive 

Contributing Reporter: Angushardie

Contributing Reporter: Logans_Babe

Contributing Reporter: Dammachine

Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby

Contributing Reporter: Daf9

Contributing Reporter: Lucifer6Lexi

Contributing Reporter: Dcracing

Contributing Reporter: Taco_chip

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NEWS__

_MAN DIES IN POWER GRID JACKING. LIGHTS GO OUT IN SECTOR THREE._

_by Weirdarchive_

In another sad chapter of the haves and have nots, a man was electrocuted last night in one of the more impoverished areas of Sector Three which was at one time a gleaming jewel of the dotcom era.

The as yet unidentified male was found with severe third degree burns in the arms and torso area, usually associated with death by Grid Jack, the common slang for the illegal siphoning of municipal electricity. The man's hands were near black to the bone as they held the wire that was to have been the link to his squatter camp. Sector Police have discovered various items such as a television set, a reconfigured cable box that unscrambled the adult Canadian channels, an old style VCR, about $100 worth of blank tapes, and a shoebox full of an undisclosed amount of cash. Officer Walter Estep theorizes the man was a part of a tape bootleg operation, which gave the local homeless in the area high grade pornography for a mere $5. "We've had word about this kind of nonsense going on for some time." ,the officer said on the record. "Clowns like him are usually mobile and by the time the cable company's private security comes in with their trackers, the preps are gone to another location. Looks like this loser wasn't fast on his feet." According to witnesses on the scene, there was a short yelp more like a dog than human followed shortly by a brown-out and sparks. No fires occurred in the immediate area, but there were some looting and break-ins during the five hour blackout. The corpse has been turned over to the coroner's office for proper identification while the equipment has been confiscated as possible evidence. No word on any other video bootleggers in Sector Three.

During the height of the dotcom era, Sector Three was the headquarters of many up and coming e-businesses and regional home offices of such dotcoms as Amazon, eBay, and Dani's Hard Drive. The area had experienced the brunt of the dotcom collapse and was undergoing a rebirth of economic opportunity until the Pulse. Since then, the area has been riddled with low tech crime and Level Two gang warfare. This is the first time a techno crime has been reported here. Stealing cable signals and video bootlegging (or video piracy) is punishable by twenty years in TV LAND, the colorful term used to describe the private prisons run by the cable industry. Thus far, there are about 1,000 inmates serving time in TV LAND.

Power was later restored for ten hours before the next brownout, this time from the usual power strain. Officials promise to have it restored to Sector Three by 6 PM tonight. Sector Police will be on patrol to enforce the curfew and to prevent further looting.

_POWER JACKING LEADS TO NEIGHBORHOOD FEUDS_

_by Lucifer6Lexi_

The rivalry over who gets to have a hot shower has reached a new high. While   
one person sneaks downstairs to switch power cables, their roommate goes to   
distract other people so they won't notice what just happened. Even   
a few cat fights have broken out between female residents, much to the delight   
and pleasure of the male tenants. Betting on who can keep the power the longest has become a new sport, one woman and her roommate keeping it long enough to each take hot showers and one bath, taking turns to guard the power box. That particular episode won one of the other tenants two hundred and fifty dollars. 

Threats have been made over ruined dinner parties, pillows and lamps hurled out   
windows and doors to disrupt neighbors. After interviewing a disgruntled tenant   
in a very old building, she confessed that she and her roommates had gone so far as to steal a new power box and connecting cables from a high-rise district by   
the name of Fogle Towers. 

She said that those two weeks before the cops came and took it away were the   
cleanest and brightest of her life. Plants have even died, and yet we are no   
closer to solving our power problem. Will the terror of cold baths ever   
end? 

_STECKLER COURT CASE BOMBING SCARE_

_by Lucifer6Lexi_

The proceedings which would decide if our wonderful mayor of Seattle really   
had connections to the mob received a bomb threat right at the end of the trial.   
Since his mob connections were proven, and the newspaper cannot be harassed   
for saying this now, is anyone truly surprised? Steckler had enough money to   
give each of his ten girlfriends and two wives decent houses and nice cars,   
while most of the world didn't have either. Bruno Anselmo, making a dramatic   
entrance on the motorcycle of an unidentified woman, made his confession right   
on time. 

Anselmo, who had disappeared the night before the trial, was the prosecutor's whole case and Steckler would have gotten off if Anselmo had not showed up. Just as Anselmo was finishing up his statement, a bomb threat evacuated the court. Anselmo disappeared for a few minutes in the crowd, but reappeared just in time to be shot in the back. It is obvious that whoever had done this was on Steckler's pay roll, but whoever did it was too late; Steckler was heading for jail the moment Anselmo came forward with what he knew. 

Another question that will probably never be answered is, who made the   
bomb threat? The obvious answer is another of Steckler's goons, but if so, why   
do it so late? Why not call it during Anselmo's confession? Why wait until   
after he delivered the devastating evidence against Steckler? After people   
were allowed back into the building, this reporter went through as much of the   
building as possible. Nothing was found of interest until the parking garage,   
where there lay a cattle prod, and literally puddles of blood. None of the   
bailiffs or police knew that anything occurred down there except for the   
occasional hazardous fight for a parking space. 

Did this have anything to do with Anselmo arriving late, and on the back of a motorcycle? And who was that mysterious woman? The witness protection agency stated that Anselmo was kidnapped by a mysterious woman on a motorcycle, who was first believed to be working with the "bad guys" since they showed up at the same time she did. But when she later was the one to actually bring him in, we were forced to reevaluate what we had thought of her. 

Several police officers and reporters were waiting to see what the famed Eyes Only would say about the kidnapping, but he didn't even show himself. This adds more questions, such as: Was the girl working with Eyes Only? Or is Eyes Only working with Steckler? The latter is extremely doubtful, as he is the one who first made an announcement on Anselmo and his story. 

Eyes Only is forever a mystery, but this girl is a new one. She moved too fast in the kidnapping for the guards to even be sure she was a girl, and at the trial she had on glasses and a hat, making any identification almost impossible. Currently reports are being investigated of an unknown woman infiltrating Sonrisa's place, Anselmo's former employer, a few months ago. The newspaper was informed by a female employee there that a mysterious woman walked in and punched her. Security cameras show that this same person was able to walk up to Sonrisa and insult him, and then get away with it. It may be just coincidence, but it may be the same girl. But whichever side she is on, we have her to thank for bringing in Anselmo and ending another corrupt politicians reign, and the reporters of Streets of Seattle would like to thank her. 

_ELEVATOR SMASHED, CONCIERGE KILLED_

_By Darkangelbby_

Police aren't letting much information out about his one. On Tuesday night, three men walked into a hotel, apparently searching for someone. The end result was a dead concierge, a smashed elevator, and a very stunned bellhop. According to the bellhop, one of the men punched through the elevator door, pressed the door open button, and yanked the bell hop out. The frightened bell hop says that the man did it, though covered in blood, as though he couldn't feel any pain. 

I don't know about anyone else, but this reporter is FREAKED OUT! I would tell you to lock your doors and windows and sit with a gun, if you had one, but I'm afraid it would do no good against these strong-man-feel-no-pain adversaries. I can only wish for you safety, as well as mine, and to hope and pray that you're not on their list. 

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BUSINESS 

_SEATTLE LANDMARK SALE FALLS THROUGH. MATSUI CORPORATION DECIDES NOT TO BUY_

By AngusHardie

In a move expected by many in the business community the Matsui corporation of Japan has broken off talks aimed at purchasing and redeveloping the Seattle Space Needle. The company had hoped to convert the 605 foot structure into a combination of hotel and office space.However spokesperson Yoshiro Hashimoto noted that the expected economic recovery in the area had not occurred and that "it would not be economically prudent to conduct such a transaction at this time. The market just isn't there although we do hope to revisit this in the future" 

It had been hoped that the renovation of the structure, which dates from the Worlds Fair of 1962, would signal a renaissance in the Seattle business district that has been long awaited by business leaders. Plans had involved a business park and included the completion of many of the abandoned buildings that litter the city, but it is now thought that these will be delayed for some time to come. 

The pressure group Citizens for a Better Seattle immediately criticized the move. The groups founder and chairman Windthrop Jenkins III said yesterday, "The structure is a blot on our fair city and something must be done. It is clear that vandals and undesirables use the structure and that just is not on. It must be stamped out!" 

As to the structure itself, nobody is quite sure what to do with it, demolition has been considered. But to demolish this towering pinnacle of 20th Century confidence? That seems to be a betrayal of all that we have inherited from our great and glorious past. When America was a great nation and when being a citizen of the United States of America meant something more than it does today. This reporter for one would not want to see that legacy become a pile of rubble. Perhaps one day the Seattle needle will become a shining pillar of hope to the people of Seattle and lead us back into greatness once more. For the moment though, let us just hope that the needle continues to stand proudly against the Seattle skyline 

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CONSPIRACY 

_MORE ECHELON_

_By CG-Double-Oh-Nuffin (mousie)_

Last week you were informed of the existence of the Echelon spy system. The technology is better than you can imagine though. Yes, they can monitor any transmissions, but that's not where their real power lies. Their real power lies in the ability to interpret the data that they've intercepted. 

To this end they have computers and other technology that goes beyond state-of-the-art. No, friends, this is the technology of the future, used to spy on the present. "One tool used to sort through the text of messages, PATHFINDER (manufactured by the UK company, Memex), sifts through large databases of text-based documents and messages looking for keywords and phrases based on complex algorithmic criteria. Voice recognition programs convert conversations into text messages for further analysis. One highly advanced system, VOICECAST, can target an individual's voice pattern, so that every call that person makes is transcribed for future analysis." Borrowed from an article written by Patrick S. Poole. 

Using this technology, Echelon is on the watch 24/7. They wouldn't want to miss an incriminating moment! There is a "code" for each country ( for example 5535 for Japanese diplomatic traffic, or 8182 for communications about distribution of encryption technology). Everything is filed carefully in heavily guarded computer files.   
More next week...

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MEDICINE 

_DESEASE_

_by DAF9_

Medical doctors from University of Washington Seattle reported today at the annual meeting of the American Society of Cardiologists in Los Angles on the results of a promising but radical new treatment for congestive heart failure. Dr. Sean Anderson described 10 years of research into the use of neural implants to improve the quality of life for patients previously bed-ridden by chronic pain. According to Dr. Anderson's lecture this treatment in which neural implants are used to directly suppress the pain centers of the brain does not significantly affect life expectancy but does allow patients to resume their normal activities for periods of up to 5 years. 

The ASC meeting was briefly interrupted by a disturbance during Dr. Anderson's presentation. Five South African doctors rose abruptly from their chairs and ran from the room. When questioned by reporters during the morning coffee break, the South Africans refused to account for their surprising reaction to Dr. Anderson's talk. "I guess we scooped them" Dr. Anderson jokingly responded when he was asked for his reaction.

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EDITORIAL__

_IMPROVEMENTS TO SEATTLE:SPOT THE DIFFERENCE_

_By Samcrazy_

Take a look out of your window now and check out what the government has done to improve your area.There's not much there?Okay, look at central Seattle and see what the well-paid senator has done to improve our lives here.That's right - there's next to nothing.

We have conclusive evidence that the dollars we've paid over the past three years in taxes has NOT been used to re-build the city around us.Money, that we've worked so hard for and 'happily' put into the local government to help us back onto our feet has simply disappeared.

We here at the 'Streets' have taken this mystery and unraveled the tangled web of lies and deceit.Not an easy task, but again, we've discovered a reason to it.We did a general survey of each rep. in the sector made for allocating the funds to public projects.We asked them the question; What new projects in the area are being funded by the taxpayers money?

We asked nine people, and they came up with these answers.They are unnamed to avoid embarrassment.

1."The local hospitals in the area are being improved, thanks to the tax payers"

2."Umm, I think that the local primary schools are being re-stocked with much-needed supplies"

3."New housing estates for the homeless are being put up in the outskirts with the money"

4."Sorry, not sure.I would think the health services and smaller doctors surgeries are being sorted out"

5."The money is being invested in new facilities for the children, we want to help the future generations"

6."The transport in the area is going to be overhauled and sorted out.We here have had enough of the traffic of cars and the odd bus being stuck in a mile long wait"

7."The run-down buildings are being re-build"

8."New hospitals are being made, to support the ones in this area, I think"

9."Housing.Yes, I am sure that the housing in the area is being build as we speak"

You can reach your own conclusions by reading these.The people in this department have no real idea of what is happening with the money.That's because this is at the bottom of the governments 'to do' list.Your money is being used to pay for the bureaucrats rich lifestyle, and again, we have the proof.

Using inside sources we rummaged around the old files in the main government spending sector and found the lists of where each months money is going to.It read that it is being routed to each individual government sector-except the public spending sector.We tracked down one area as an example, and found that the outside money source as listed on the pay rolls is indeed coming from the public spending area.There's the answer.

So we find again that the corruption has spread. Sad news, but we are sure that when this report is published, the people upstairs will get their act sorted out.

_AMERICAN LANGUAGE….WHAT'S HAPPENING?_

_by DAF9_

What's the dealio with these new spellings that have been making their way into common usage over the past 20 years? The most recent to come to this reporter's attention is the frequent misspelling of the word disease as desease. Even reputable papers like our own "Streets of Seattle" have been found to contain disease spelled as "desease". Are our proofreaders just sloppy or is this latter becoming an acceptable alternative form of the word? Where did it originate? 

Careful researching of the history of "desease" has shown that the word first appeared in print shortly after the Pulse. Lexicographers believe it's origins can be traced to an article appearing in the Chicago Tribute dated August 26, 2013. In that article, reporter Clifton Matthews was bemoaning the sorry state of American medicine, particularly preventative medicine, in the months following the Pulse. In a play on words he talked about diseases such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy and congenital heart defects that had been well on the way to being "cured" now more commonly resulting in death and thus more appropriately referred to as deceases. Deceases was latter changed to deseases. 

In next weeks edition we will look at some other words whose spellings have changed since the Pulse. 

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor, 

Regarding last weeks article about the odorous emissions down by the water. I have it on good authority that is where the Union of Unemployed Auto Workers hold their baked bean cookouts every week. 'Nuff said I trust? 

Concerned citizen

Dear Editor, 

I am writing in response to your article of last Monday regarding child labor. Has your reporter been in a SCHOOL lately? Drug running 101 and how to build a better EMP are the order of the day!! My son Jeffrey is far safer working in our family business (we "retrieve" abandoned vehicles) than he would be in school. Join the real world Ms. Schnapzie! 

Irate Father

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**Seeing the same old thing day after day?**

Come to the   
Steel Post Saloon

**on the corner of Eighth and Pender featuring live fights by some of the fiercest women in Seattle (maybe even a few unscheduled fights, too)   
Come to the  
****Steel Post Saloon******

**Where the excitement never ends.**

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FEATURES

_HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY_

_By Shnapzie_

So, you have a temperamental water heater that isn't worth the effort put in to steal it. Or you are unfortunately lacking in that particular amenity. 

But it doesn't have to be obvious that you go days at a time without a shower! Just sprinkle a little cornstarch onto your hair and brush out. The cornstarch will soak up the oil and dirt accumulated there. Voila! Your hair will look like you've just washed it.

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ENTERTAINMENT

_EYES ONLY'S MIDNIGHT MADNESS_

_By Jox5___

Does Eyes only have a problem with Mark Dore, star of Midnight Madness? For three weeks in a row there have been Eyes only broadcasts interrupting the show. Is this just a coincidence or is Eyes only trying to sabotage the show? 

Some think the broadcasts are put up during popular shows so that there will be more people watching. Others think it is a deliberate attempt to ruin the show. 

I talked to Dore to see if there were any grudges Eyes Only might have. Dore says that he has no idea who Eyes Only is and there is no reason for him to hurt Midnight Madness. 

"Eyes Only is a great guy who is protecting the people of Seattle and he is welcome to bring down the bad guys in my time slot" Dore says. 

Now that Dore supports Eyes Only, will the broadcasts continue or will they just pop up on random times? We will just have to wait and see. 

_ANOTHER RETURN_

_By Karen Murray (iluveyesonly)_

Not another pointless _Mummy_ plot! At least the first three movies had enough witty dialogue to surprise us. The seventh, _The Return of the Priest's Mummy_, gives us none of that and less.

Set in 1945, this loud and chaotic movie has the same basic plot as the first six. Egyptian priest Im-Oh-Tep (Xaviar Vocluso) is back to bring from the dead (did we expect him to stay dead? He never does!) as well girlfriend, Anck-Su-Namun, winningly played by the exotic E. Murray Anders. An added twist, one that we haven't see six times beforehand, he's looking for survivors of the nuclear bomb attacks. He seems to think that these humans have a sort of mutated gene that will allow them to follow him and become his servants and follow him, even though he's technically dead and is able to go places mere mortals aren't. (Go figure, once again. Ol' Tep is persistent.)

Freddie Booth is making his fifth appearance as Alex, the annoyingly average man who happens to have been taught ancient Egyptian by his mother (don't we miss her!). He seems to add more to the decor than he adds to the script, though he doesn't act amazingly cute and adorable as he did in the third and fifth, which is a plus sign. Since the plot hangs around him, there is a slight hole, which is adeptly filled with the use of special effects.

Probably the best thing about this movie, it isn't the special effects horror that Star Wars: Episodes One, Two, Three, Seven, and Eight were; the special effects are fairly nice. A lot of decomposing mice running around Alex's face looked surprisingly real. The ant-face was a bit disappointing; it was lingered on a bit too long and it seemed a little too reminiscent of the sand-man, water-man, leaf-man, hair-man, and finger-man from the six original movies.

However, all in all, gross special effects win me. Maybe I'm just a freak at heart, but I thought the movie was plotless but enjoyable. I lost the trail of though in the movie early on and found it not necessary to find it again. You can forget about the unmemorable dialogue and just watch to see just how this decomposing menace looks while he walks. Its simple.  
_Bottom line: Special Effects are good, plot worse than originals._

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**All Bug-R-Us customers are cordially invited to a cookout party! The cookout is modeled after the old tradition of crawfish (aka mud bugs) boil in the South. Instead of mud bugs, we will be serving various types of exotic bugs that you, the customers, have contributed to our large collection during our extermination visits. It promises to be a tasty and healthy, with the combination of high protein and great spices. Come and join us!**

**Bug-R-Us, we turn pests into feasts!**

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BOOKS

**Harry Potter #22: The Severed Cauldron **Harry's 10-year-old twins begin their first year at Hogwarts. They throw the school into an uproar as they refuse to accept the verdict of the Sorting Cap, which places Jason in Slytherin and James in Gryffindor. Although another fine effort by JK Rowling, her trove of magical imagery is running a bit low. (Yet another shape-shifting tabloid reporter? Please.) And while her stories have been a favorite form of escapism for Seattle residents for years, those without a magic wand—or access to England's stocked groceries--would likely prefer fewer graphic descriptions of grand banquets and midnight snacks. _Jennem1_

**Nancy Drew III** The granddaughter of the original Nancy Drew, her boyfriend Fred and her best friend Tess solve crime in modern day Seattle. In this latest episode, published by the estate of Carolyn Keene, Nancy and her friends solve the Case of the Missing Clock. Thieves abscond with a clock from the Space Needle. Who did the dastardly deed? _Daf9_

Power Jacking for Dummies. This latest in the how-to-for-dummies series explains in great detail how to get electricity for a hot shower, a fancy meal or an adult-toy without getting killed either by electrocution or angry neighbors. The authors WEIRDARCHIVES and LUCIFER6LEXI, both reporters for Streets of Seattle, seem to really know what they're talking about. Biographical details are limited so it may be that these people have personal, hands-on experience with this topic. _Daf9_

In its fifth publication, **_I Am The Weakest Link_**_: The Life Story of Karen Murray_ did smashingly well in England. In the rags to riches story, the ever-popular presidential candidate writes on her earliest memories to current day. Being a shy thirty-something, she gives no official date for anything, but it is safe to say she's thirty-seven, if you take the publications of the Harry Potter books. _Iluveyesonly_

"How to Take Over the World and Get Away With It" is being released this week, the second book in a trilogy by JD Arnold, the self proclaimed imperial leader of the world. The first book, "Understanding the Voice In Your Head", sold four copies, three of them by her mother. She wrote this second book from her padded cell by scratching the words into wood with a sharp stick. When asked for the inspiration for her work, she was quoted as saying "Well, it came to me one day in October or 1999....GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU EVIL PANCAKE!!" Our love for her work is based simply out of fear for her cannibalistic side. _Preciousjax_

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RESTAURANTS

**C **This new venue promises chicken at a reasonable price, no matter what the current market status. Sure, the high-end restaurants of Seattle always have meat, but is there at last an option for those of us on a lower budget? Maybe not. One thing we've all realized over the years of this recession: a lot of things taste like chicken. And as the management of "C" refuses to allow reporters to view the kitchen, we're a little suspicious. Still, if you're not fussy and have a great imagination, "C" offers "Creative" meat dishes that won't use up your paycheck. _Average meal excluding beverage, tax, gratuity $48. 48 Center. Tues.-Sat. 12pm-1am. Jennem1_

**South Market Café **The large black "No Guns, no drugs" sign hanging out front says it all. South Market Café promises that your meal will be interrupted no more than twice by a drive by shooting or the price of your drinks will be refunded. The menu is eclectic, depending upon what the waiters manage to steal from the higher end restaurants in the "good" parts of town. This critic recommends the rat pasta tricolore. For drinks, whatever you do – stay AWAY from the water. Anything with alcohol is relatively sterile and therefore unlikely to make you ill. Prices are negotiable, especially if you're packing heat. Hours are flexible, based on when the Sector Police are occupied elsewhere, but if you show up after 10PM on a Fri or Sat night and don't mind waiting around a few hours, chances are SMC will be able to accommodate you._Note, most of the staff are on parole so if you are a known criminal please take your business elsewhere.Daf9_

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Hello!!! I have a used habit trail for sale and It's only had to gerbils in it but they both died in it. It has been cleaned out!! comes with 8 tubes and two home units. first $35 takes it home!! just email me and we can make the arrangements.

HELP WANTED: Dark Dreary Abandoned Air Strip requires youthful security personal, applicants must have a build similar to the Rock, and must have an IQ lower than 20, oh and no weirdo's GB

I'm thinking about moving to Seattle. I hate living in the streets so do any of you locals know if JamPony is hiring? do I need my own bike? I need this info ASAP because my court date comes up soon! and its time to Jam!!!!

51 year old cranky geneticist looking for rock star boy toy. Must enjoy massaging bunions and singing Beatles songs. DAF9 

Single Woman looking for a male: must be able to hold an intellectual conversation and tell me about the conspiracies that are going on in the city. 330417291599[X5-612(SPOTZGIRL16)] 

Single male looking for an adventurous, rebellious woman that doesn't sleep much and has a bad attitude. X5-650(NINJA650) 

Single Male looking for woman who likes junk food. MUST BE FEMALE!   
x5-158(DTM)(DAMMACHINE) 

Single Female looking for Single Male who likes to have fun, dance, who likes to kiss [;0)], likes scary/funny/sweet/romantic movies, and music. X5-452(DARKANGELBBY) 

Funny, pretty and bright female looking for nice male...must resemble ninja!!! Man must be nice, rich and have a big house... X5 420-Ninja and DTM's sista (LOGANS_BABE)

   [1]: http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem
   [2]: mailto:jennem@usa.net



	4. Fourth Edition: Art Attack

EDITORIAL

**Welcome to the fourth edition of "Streets of Seattle." Want to participate? Reply via review, visit us at [http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem][1] , or email jennem@usa.net. Everyone is welcome, and no writing experience is necessary. **

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! Writers live for feedback, and we've got lots of writers here! **

**Disclaimer: We do not own the Dark Angel universe, the characters therein, or any details as mentioned in the scripts/episode of Dark Angel. All other characters and items in this production belong to the respective writers. However, no profit is sought or will be made from this production. **

************************************ **

**STREETS OF SEATTLE **

**(date withheld), 2019**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in chief: Jennem1**

**Managing editor: Samcrazy**

**Opinions Editor: Shnapzie**

**Entertainment Editor: Jox5**

**Chief Reporter: Daf9**

**Featured Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Contributing Reporter: Ninja650**

**Contributing Reporter: Angushardie**

**Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly**

**Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby**

**Contributing Reporter:Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: Rudiye**

**Contributing Reporter: Dammachine**

**Contributing Reporter: The Jerk**

**Official Mail Girl: Logans_babe**

** **

*****************************************************

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_ _**

**_STOLEN ROCKWELL RECOVERED BY AMERICAN HISTORICAL RECOVERY SOCIETY_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

In a press conference at the Northwest Regional Headquarters of the American Historical Recovery Society, a stolen Norman Rockwell was unveiled safe and sound by member of the Executive Board Logan Cale. This priceless treasure was stolen from the National Museum in one of the many recent break-ins of America's art galleries and cultural treasure houses. The culprits, leading up to a local crime lord known only as Mister Duvalier, have been either arrested or have left the country. Officials have vowed to hunt down the remaining suspects 'to the ends of the earth', according to an unnamed Executive Board member.

This is another victory for the fledging group dedicated to the recovery and restoration of American art and cultural treasures lost either in the chaos of the Dark Months or sold to fund the government. The Society was a small organization established at the Turn to help organize resources and personnel in the recovery of stolen and lost artwork. After the Pulse and the furor over the selling of the Statue of Liberty to the Sultan of Brunei, the Society's role expanded to preserving and coordinating efforts to keep the remaining American cultural icons, landmarks, and art treasures within American shores by any legal means necessary. Some of their most recent triumphs have been the rescue of The Washington Monument, the co-funding to preserve Mount Rushmore and the Crazy Horse Memorial by the United Native American Tribes, the relocation of the entire Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum from its precarious location of Cleveland to its temporary (and safer) headquarters of London, and its most famous effort to date the spiriting away of the Enola Gay (the airplane that dropped the Hiroshima Bomb in 1945) to an undisclosed location from the Anti-Nuke Riots of 2009-2012.

The Society is funded by some of the most notable North American celebrities, millionaires, and industrialists. Among some of the companies giving money and assistance are Cale Industries, Microsoft International, McDonald's, Sony Pictures, Cyperdyne, and the American Alternative Energies Corporation. Its budget has allowed it to fund exhibits of American culture and keep them from the auction block and the Black Market. Of course, controversy has dogged the Society from its begrudging approval of the moving of the Baseball Hall of Fame from Cooperstown to its international branch in Kyoto to its negotiating with the rogue Republic of Alaska to recover the remaining Pollack Exhibit which was touring North America prior to the Pulse. So far, the Federal government has not condemned the Society mostly due to its good work and publicity.

The Society's long term goals are to reclaim all stolen American artwork, landmarks, and exhibits from private collections and national museums presently housed in such countries as Korea, Brunei and the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone as well as the restoration of such treasures as the Statue of Liberty back to American shores. To this end, the United Nations (presently headquartered in its de facto offices of Toronto) has offered its assistance to the Society to that end. Other nations and blocs such as the European Union and the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere have also given their support in recovering American art stolen or lost in the chaos of the Pulse.

** **

**_FLYING DEAD PEOPLE: Signs of Defenestration_**

**_by Ninja650_**

Are you familiar with the term defenestration? Well, this week, some people have been introduced to this term as they have seen a person defenestrated from the building at 435 Bledsoe. None of these people wanted to come forward for fear of them being next. But this situation goes farther than just a single act of cruelty. It's much deeper than that.

Although none of the witnesses wanted themselves revealed, we did get a chance to get some answers out of them. One woman, who was on her usual late-night jog around the block, turned down Bledsoe just in time to see a mantossed from the window. Her statement includes the fact that the man was screaming in terror the whole way down. Another, from the building across the way, said he saw the flying man through the window of his apartment. His window was shut so he did not hear the screaming, but saw the man flailing his arms. The strange part about this is that we hear from the autopsy room that the man was killed by a single gunshot wound to the head. Last I heard, dead men don't scream in terror or flail their arms. 

The following day, the supposed killer was apprehended at the Seattle Metro Airport while trying to flee the country to Singapore. The weapon used to kill the defenestrated man was found in the bag of the suspect as it went through the metal detector. Can you smell some sort of cover-up? After the Metro Airport security found the gun in his bag, the apprehended suspect replied, "Man, that ain't mine." Perhaps he was telling the truth. Either someone is trying to frame him for a murder, or he is just that stupid to try to get on a plane with a gun in his bag. 

The suspect denies all charges against him and will be tried later on the following week. All signs point to him at the moment, so unless the witnesses come forward and testify about the incident, explaining that the man died before receiving the shot, a man may be wrongfully punished for a crime he did not commit. However, this leaves more questions to ponder: Why shoot a dead man in the head? And if this guy didn't do it, why was he trying to leave the country? Maybe these questions and more will be answered once the trial gets under way.

** **

**_RAPHAEL BANKS DRESS STOLEN...AND STRANGER PAYS FOR IT_**

**_by Darkangelbby_**

Two days ago... a $6000 Raphael Banks Dress... a true one-of-a-kind... was stolen without a trace of evidence. The saleswoman says: "I was holding it for a woman who was about 20, 21? Anyways she asked if I could hold it for her and I said yes. She said that she would pick it up later and that was fine with me. Poor dear... she looked as though she was in love with that dress..." 

Meanwhile... the cops are as dumbfounded as the saleswoman. the thief broke in with out a noise and leave with out being seen or heard by the guard or the saleswoman. It seemed as though the dress just VANISHED with out a trace. The store was in a world of hurt... that was a $6000 dress! The thief seemed only to be there to get that, because none of the other dresses were stolen, vandalized, or ruined. But that wasn't the biggest shock.... 

A wealthy citizen (with deep pockets and a good heart) paid the store the $6000 that they would have lost if the dress wasn't recovered. Although the citizen did it anonymously, he/she got a discount from that store... of $10 off the next purchase... 

** **

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**INTERNATIONAL NEWS**

**_TAKING LIBERTIES WITH MS. LIBERTY_**

**_by Angushardie_**

The City of New York and Mohammed Abdul Al Bin, the Sultan of Brunei, yesterday concluded talks concerning the sale of the Statue of Liberty. The statue, a symbol of America to thousands of immigrants throughout the 19th and 20th Centuries was sold for an estimated 250, 000 Euros (1.3 trillion dollars). 

It is said that the Sultan intends it as a gift for his youngest daughter Yasmin's 13th Birthday. A spokeswoman for the Embassy of the sultanate of Brunei spoke of the Princess Yasmin's great interest in Americana and all things American. "Yes she has a great collection, statuary is a particular favorite. She almost has a complete collection of presidents now, acquired by her doting father from the city of Washington. All of the great presidents are there, Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington, even some of the not so great presidents like Clinton and Bush. She also has some kind of large monument and a bit of some pool that she had dug out of the ground in Washington DC, I'm not quite sure what it is or was but there it is back home standing there in the desert." 

The princess is thought to have expressed an interest in the statue after watching the movie Titanic, where the surviving passengers reaching New York and pass under the shadow of the great statue. However some have suggested that it is simply an attempt to counter the recent purchase of the Mount Rushmore monument by her cousin and rival Jemima, daughter of the Sultan of Dubai. The two young women have been locked in rivalry for some years now. It is thought that the princess Jemima will be unable to beat this purchase and that she may have to admit defeat. 

The city of new York and the NYSeaPort Military District announced the deal late Friday evening amid some controversy. However it is felt by most that a good price was made and that both sides are very happy with the deal and both mentioned that the statue would be removed quickly to avoid time for protests. At the time of writing most of the upper portion of the statue has been removed and only the lower parts of the legs and feet remain. 

There have been some protests but for many New Yorkers the removal was both unexpected and unwelcome. 

"Its like a loss of hope, y'know" said one. 

"The great lady's gone, we're all gonna die!" said another New Yorker who seemed rather the worse for drink at the time. 

Perhaps the most telling impression of our modern age is the response of Johan Marks of Trenton who when asked his opinion merely replied 

"What? Who? Don't make no difference to me man. " 

Perhaps it may be better to see the statue in the hands of a caring collector than in the control of people who neither know nor care about her. And perhaps one day the American People might be able to buy her back and restore her to the entrance to New York harbor where the light from that great torch may once more guide ships safely into port. 

**_POPE DIES WHILE DELIVERING MASS_**

**_by Daf9_**

_Vatican City, June 12,2020 _

In a move that stunned officials and spectators alike, the highly controversial Pope Gregory XVII was assassinated today while delivering his weekly sermon at St. Peter's Cathedral. The assassin came out of nowhere; moving incredibly quickly and hurtling barriers and checkpoints designed to protect the Pope as if they weren't there. While the Pope's bodyguards had barely managed to draw their weapons, a figure clothed in a black leather jumpsuit leapt almost 20 feet onto the platform where the Pope stood, grabbed the man, broke his neck and disappeared quickly back into the crowd. 

Although several spectators suffered minor gunshot wounds none were seriously injured. The assassin made a clean get-away leaving security officials completely baffled. One of the bodyguards on the scene said in a chocked voice and with tears in his eyes "It happened so quickly....we tried but....". When asked for his reaction, the American Ambassador to the Vatican said "While the American government and the Vatican have been at odds over several issues lately, we are of course grieved to see the life of this courageous man end in such a cowardly manner". Funeral arrangements are underway and will be announced latter this week. Foreign policy analysts are unsure how this will affect American/Vatican negotiations since a successor to Pope Gregory has yet to be chosen. 

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**MEDICINE**

**_A CURE FOR SPINAL INJURY_**

**_by Daf9_**

At the quadrennial meeting of the International Society of Neurology and Neurosurgery, being held this week at the Washington State Convention and Trade Center, Dr. Sean McMillan of the Dept. of Neurology, University of Glasgow, Scotland reported on ground breaking research that offers new hope for individuals paralyzed due to traumatic spinal injury. The work of Dr. McMillan and his team represents the culmination of over thirty years of research into the use of embryonic stem cells to induce nerve regeneration in human beings. 

For most of that time researchers have been frustrated by three problems. The first is the difficulty in isolating these cells in large numbers as they can only be obtained from aborted fetuses or umbilical cord blood. The identification of the correct mix of growth factors to sustain the cells in culture so as to optimize their ability to travel through the bloodstream to the site of the injury has also proved more problematic than originally anticipated. A third problem was in insuring that the stem cells do not raise an immune response in the recipient. The final hurtle to be overcome was to modify the cells to enable them to both repair the injury by regenerating the nerve and to dissolve the scar tissue that would otherwise leave the patient in constant pain once feeling returned to the affected area. All three of these problems have now been solved and Dr. McMillan predicts that his technique will be generally available to patients within two years. 

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**EDITORIAL**

**_LIVE TO SEE 60_**

**_by Shnapzie_**

At the turn of the century, the life expectancy was around 72, and it wasn't uncommon to live to be 90 or older.Statistically, each year as technology and medicine improve, life expectancy is also supposed to rise. So today's citizens should live to be, oh...seventy five? Eighty, even? 

Well, last time I looked, I didn't see very many old people. And I suppose that's understandable, since the life expectancy of today is 60! How, in an age of the greatest medical miracles ever witnessed (there's even talk on the street of "genetically enhanced humans" running around, whatever that means) can people be expected to live over a decade less than twenty years earlier?

Actually, it's not as odd as it looks. Those common parts of everyday life all contribute to less time here on Earth. Observe:

*Gangs. They're everywhere. Prudent people avoid them. But from the Mafia to the more visible--but no less dangerous --street gangs, they leave a string of violence in their wake, and are responsible for the death of many, many, people. Drive-by shootings, belonging to a rival gang, making a bargain--and then not living up to one's end of it....all of these are frequent causes of death.

*Poverty. Well, duh. Of course poverty is in the list. But for less obvious reasons than just not being able to afford food. Not being able to afford a house puts one in constant exposure to the elements. Squat, and one becomes a favorite target of the Sector Police. And often, there's not enough money to spend on personal hygiene.

*Collapse of government aid. We all bemoaned Medicare and Medicaid, complained about all of our tax dollars we had to waste on it. But because of the collapse of these essential programs, many people have died, and will continue to die. Elderly people who couldn't work couldn't afford food and rent without their monthly check. (Have you noticed that today, the majority of old people live in the high-rise district? Most of the poor elderly folks have passed away.) And the millions who caught one of those new viruses certainly can't hold a job--thus, no money to pay for expensive treatments.

*Cost of new procedures. Sure, all these new procedures are available. But one has to have lots and lots of money to pay for them! And insurance is more expensive and pays for less. (Not to mention that many clinics and hospitals demand cash up front.) 

These are just a few of the many things that contribute to the lower life-expectancy. Sad, isn't it? But the good thing about knowing this is that when one knows, one can self-improve [Ed. interpretation: Get a job, yeh wankers!] Or, one can always blame the government, the international economics situation, Alaska seceding, or TV execs canceling a favorite program (that last one is the leading cause of suicide today.)

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**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editor, 

I read your last edition and I'm responding to one of your articles. You know, the one about the smashed elevator? How stupid do you people think we are? Do you really expect us to believe that someone actually punched through an elevator door? That's not humanly possible. Especially the part about him not feeling any pain after doing that? Come on, now. I think you guys somehow got your facts mixed up cause I, for one, don't believe a word of that article. I know the elevator was actually smashed, I seen it myself. But it had to have been done with some kind of weapon or something and not by someone punching it. 

I read your paper all the time, but if you guys are going to start making things up just so you can get a story, then you're going to have one less reader. 

Skeptical reader.

** **

Dear Editor, 

I was real ticked off when I read the article about the Steckler court case bombing scare in last week's edition. Your reporter, one Ms. or Mr. Lucifer6Lexi, didn't say nothing about what a hero Bruno Anselmo was. As a former girlfriend of Bruno's and friend of his wife I can tell you that while he wasn't exactly faithful to me or his wife, he was a fun guy and a great father to his little girl. His friends are gonna miss him. 

Irate reader.

** **

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**ADVERTISEMENT**

** **

Angelo Biondello

Independent Building Designer

**(555) BELIEVE**

_Never Give Up_

** **

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**ENTERTAINMENT**

**_THE NILLSONS CANCEL CONCERT_**

**_By Jox5_**

Last Friday night the world famous jazz band The Nilsson's were going to have a special concert at the Space Needle. 

It never happened. Why? Some little rich boy wanted them to play at his wedding. So instead of having a concert were to proceeds were going to restore the Space Needle, Mike Nilsson and his family were at a mansion selling out. 

City Jazz fan will have to wait and see if the sector police will open the city so they can go to the Portland concert on Tuesday. 

This incident only proves what this reporter has long believed. Everybody has a price.

** **

**_MOVIES_**

**_By Weirdarchive_******

** **

_Some notable movies to watch for on Cineplex, Canada.:_

**MY EYES GO GRAY 7: HEARTBEATS BLEED INTO STONE, **_2012, starring Asia Argento, Chow Yun-Fat, and Ashley Judd. Written and directed by Dario and Asia Argento. Unrated._The most successful Asian horror series to date gets the Giallo treatment as Italy's master terror director and his equally provocative daughter (who directed her own shocking trilogy BLEED, BREED, BREATHE) give an a skewed look of Chinese life in Rome with a paranormal twist and some well received closure of some unanswered questions from Dario's 'Three Mothers' Trilogy (SUSPIRIA, INFERNO, MORTIS ROMA). An American journalist named Persephone (Judd) is haunted by visions of a murdered Chinese dissent (Yun-Fat) who was assassinated in Rome during his speech tour. As the visions increase in intensity and insanity, Persephone is drawn to the world of Chinese politics, Greek legends, and Argento's own mythos of The Three Mothers, paying special attention to Mater Lacrimarum (cameoed by Jennifer Connelly and Kristen Dunst). Fans of the GRAY series and the Argentos have been split over the hidden meanings and political symbolism of the film, owing to their support for artistic freedom in then Communist China. This was Dario Argento's final film before his death in 2015. _Contains violence and sensuality. Parents strongly cautioned._

**LOVE TEARS, **_2007, starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Christina Ricci. Written and directed by Anne Heche. Rated R._One of the most moving films from the Lesbian Film Era (the time between 2007 and 2011 where Hollywood and later Asian Cinema dealt with lesbian themes in a frank and honest manner). Nicole (Parker) and her sister Delia (Ricci) must deal with their falling out after Nicole's turbulent love affair with Delia's best friend (Oscar nominated performer Charisma Carpenter) turns sour with her acceptance of Christ. While this movie is noted for Parker's one and only time she did full frontal nudity and torrid love scenes with Carpenter (who also has a steamy scene with Ricci) which had to be edited for content to get a 'R' rating (the original version is presently unavailable due to stipulations of her estate, requesting the full version not be released until the death of her husband Matthew Broderick.), it is true to the prejudices of various Christian sects against the gay community and the fallacy of sexual conversion. Heche draws from her own experience with her relationships with Ellen DeGeneres, Steve Martin, and her father. Nominated for five Oscars and received the Independent Spirit Award for Best Movie. _Contains sexual themes. Parents strongly cautioned._

**BOING!**, _2018, Voiceovers from Kate Winslet, Tom Green, and Li Ling Soo. Directed by Li Ling Soo. Rated G_The heartfelt anime tale of a toy's search for his master, now grown-up and living in Beijing, is wonderfully captured in the latest generation of computer animation. Winslet gives the voice of the Toy Fairy Queen who helps the toy (voiced by Soo) find his owner (voiced by Green) who runs a shipping company and feels life is passing him by and is isolated from his son (voiced by Philip Green-Barrymore, the son of Tom Green and then wife Drew Barrymore). This is Green's most mature performance to date, owing to his near fatal accident caused by one of his comedy acts. Winslet received a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress. _Contains some comedic violence. All ages._

**_BOOKS_**

**Idiots' Guide to the Human Genome**. This long, boring, complicated tome is written by Streets of Seattle reporter DAF9 who is old enough to know better. Chock full of scientific language that no sane lay person can understand, spelling errors that any 10 year old could correct, run on sentences with no discernible subject or verb and irrational arguments that even her editor couldn't follow, this book has ABSOLUTELY NO redeeming features. Except perhaps as fire starter. _Daf9_

**The Definitive Guide to the End of the Millennium, Part I**The hottest craze among teens is flashing back to the good old days of the 1980s and 1990s. Fueled by black market copies of "Tiger Beat" and "Sassy," and fuzzy videos of "Top Gun" and "Revenge of the Nerds," today's kids roam the streets in search of Dippity-Do, belly-button rings, and Sting CDs. This series tells you what to say, what to do, and what to wear for the ultimate GenX experience. Wonder where slang like "dealio" or "lickety chick" originated? Want to know all the words to the theme songs of Diff'rent Strokes and The Love Boat? Now you can style your hair like Blair from "The Facts of Life," or dress like any of the many incarnations of Madonna. The Millennium guide offers all that, and so much more. _Jennem1_

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**ADVERTISEMENT**

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That's right, America. Why depend on the rogue state of Alaska or the corporate gasoline clowns or the chumps running the power grids who overcharge their brown-outs when you can have safe clean self-sufficient and cheap energy for your grandkids? Happy Hard Harry's Helpful Guide To Methane Harvesting And Harnessing will show you how to make biological waste from your own toilet and outhouse into energy gold!!!! If you hate keeping watch on your windmills and solar collectors from thieves, this handy guide will help you make a genuine methane generator in the safety and privacy of your own home or apartment complex for just pennies. Diagrams will show you how to build, maintain, and upgrade your generator for years of safe reliable performance. Why be a wage slave to the power corps when you can give them, the Alaskans, and the Feds the Finger?!?!? Call (850)555-POWER to obtain your plans to energy freedom!

_WARNING: Use and construction of private methane generators could be a direct violation of the Federal Alternate Energy Safety Act of 2015. Consult with your Military Commissioner for Public Safety for guidelines. This offer not available in the Republic of Alaska or disputed zones of Texas and Florida._

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**FEATURES**

**_HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY_**

**_by Shnapzie_**

The best items to burn in your trash can:

*Worn out pieces of cardboard (your own piece, or steal one from your neighbor's shanty)

*The wrappings on packages couriers deliver

*Fake womens' hair (you know which section you get this at)

*The residue from alcoholic beverages

*Old newspapers (Of course, you would never think of burning this one, right??)

*Wood packing crates (many old warehouses and abandoned air fields have these just lyin' around. It's not like they need any of them)**__**

**_DUMPSTER DIVING...Employment Opportunity or Hobby for the Ages?_**

**_by Daf9_**

While bicycling into work the other night this reporter spotted an expensive evening gown hanging outside a back-alley dumpster. Detouring to take a look, I became aware that a young female teenager was frantically sorting through the dumpster's contents. I briefly considered taking the dress while the woman was otherwise occupied but as it appeared to be about a size 3 and therefore much too small to be of any use to me, I didn't bother to stop. But it started me to thinking about why an obviously wealthy socialite would be digging through trash and that started me to thinking about dumpster diving in general. We all know that in this post-Pulse era of scarce resources dumpster diving is a common, and sometimes quite profitable, self-employment opportunity. But how many of our readers are aware that this activity has been around as a hobby for many, many years. The sight of that young wealthy woman suggests that there may currently be a resurgence of this craze among the offspring of Seattle's well-to-do. While I have no doubt that the majority of the citizenry are well aware of safe dumpster diving practices, for the benefit of our less-informed readers who choose to "indulge", the following guidelines are provided as a public service. 

#1. Make sure the lid of the dumpster is secure in the open position before entering. 

#2. Watch out for sharp trash such as broken window glass or needles. 

#3. Leave any bodies or body parts alone. Despite rampant police corruption, your fingerprints or DNA on a dead body will still buy you a whole dumpster full of trouble with the local authorities from which even your daddy's money may not be able to extract you. 

#4. Carry a nice long stick for poking into back corners and a gun for any rats you may have to fight for your treasure. 

#5. If anyone in authority asks you what you are doing, run like heck! 

#6. Wear old clothes. I can only imagine how that young woman I saw the other night was going to feel having to climb back into her expensive evening gown after her time in the dumpster. 

#7. Be careful of what you take. If you are caught with identification that doesn't belong to you, be prepared to spend several days explaining yourself to the Sector Police. Not to mention the large fine. And whatever you do, leave any evidence pointing to police corruption STRICTLY alone. You don't want to know what will happen if you are caught with any of that. 

These rules were revised from Jack Hoff's Dumpster Diving for Fun and Profit, published in 1995. This book is now out-of-print but rummaging through the large dumpster out back of the Bill & Melinda Gates branch of the public library I managed to find a copy. 

** **

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**SPORTS**

** **

**_WHEELCHAIR BASKETBALL_**

**_By Sportzgirl16_**

There is a new sports league - Wheelchair Basketball.

Today as I was walking down the street I noticed a group of men playing basketball in their wheelchairs. I thought this was a rather peculiar sight. I stand around and watch for a few minutes and become absorbed into the game. After the game I talked to one of the men. He said, "Yeah this is a new thing, but it's getting popular fast. We've got quite a few teams going right now and there are always new people that want to join. Hell we even have a few people that went and got wheelchairs so they could play with us." 

Every year there are new versions of the pre-pulse sports appearing. This is one of the few ways people have found to amuse themselves. The great thing about this is, it's not just for the handicapped, it's for everyone. 

If you are interested in being a part of this new sport, call Julie here at the Streets of Seattle.

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**NEIGHBORHOOD**

**_EVENTS_**

LIVE! at the South Market gun shop &comedy club. The Royal Canadian Air Farce performs their hilarious spoof on Seattle's own Eyes Only. Called "Exclusively Noses", this skit must be seen to be believed. Catch it this week only. Performances at 8 & 11PM.

Next Wednesday between 2 PM and whenever. Bicycle stunts performed by professional bicycle couriers. Sponsored by Joe's bicycle repair shop, Jam Pony challenges all comers. Entrance fee $25 or equivalent in bicycle parts. Must sign waiver absolving sponsors of any responsibility for damages but participants will be offered 10% discount on future repairs by Joe's. Tickets to watch event are free but all spectators required to provide a drink for one of the contestants. See you there. 

CLOTHING EXCHANGE Thursday, 8PM - Midnight St. Isadore's Church of the Needy Wanderer**. **Bring any gently worn clothing that you no longer wear, and trade it for more appropriate items. Casual clothing, outerwear, children's clothing, formalwear, find what you need and get rid of what you don't. There is no cash donation or charge for this event. _Note: For legal reasons, we will not accept blood-stained clothing, nor any garments with knife or bullet holes (even if the blood has been removed). Additionally, participants must remain fully dressed at all times, and may not trade clothing that is actually on their bodies at the time._****

**_ _**

**_ANNIVERSARIES_**

Actors Jessica Alba and Michael Weatherly celebrate their 19th anniversary this week in Seattle Washington. Mr. and Mrs. Weatherly and their 5 children came to Seattle for the celebration because this was as close as they could get to Vancouver Canada where the couple met 20 years ago while filming a highly popular dramatic series called Dark Angel. "Many people said it wouldn't last, especially after a memorable film opening at which Mike wore a really funny costume" said Ms. Alba smiling fondly at her husband. "But don't tell our children about that." _Daf9_

**_ _**

**_DEATHS _**

A sad moment took place when 39 year old Britney Spears was found dead in her Seattle apartment on June 14, 2020. Spears had been strangled to death by an unknown assailant. Investigations are still taking place to try to discover who the killer is. The only evidence the police have is a letter left by the attacker that read, "I should have done this 20 years ago." Police think it may have been the acts of a stalker or jealous person who followed Spears' career. 

Miss Spears came onto the music scene in 1997 with her first single "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and her next single "You Drive Me Crazy." She became known for her talented vocals and rhythmic dancing on stage. She was looked up to by many young girls of that age at that time and became their role model. 

Spears decided a few years before her death to try to rekindle her singing career in dedication to her mother who had passed away by a heart attack. She was on tour promoting her upcoming album with the hit single "I'm Stronger (2020 Remix)." It is on this tour where she found herself in Seattle where she would do her last show. One thing is for sure, the energetic girl from Kentwood, Louisiana will surely be missed. _Ninja650_

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**CLASSIFIEDS**

For sale. One slightly used Ugly blue Aztek van thing. Will trade for something of interest. Like a "real" car of equal or lesser value. You can contact me at mymotherdressesmefunny.com

Man for hire. Will perform odd jobs. Skills include computer hacking, cooking, dressing up real nice for pictures, steering and braking with one hand while shooting a hand gun with the other. 555-5555

HELP WANTED: Independent self-employed young woman looking for man to do odd jobs. Desired skills include computer hacking, whipping up culinary miracles, high degree of accuracy with a pistol even while driving. Should also be wealthy and enjoy writing poetry.

WANTED: Ground floor apartment for old lady tired of getting off on the wrong floor of her high rise. Contact Mrs. Morano, Fogle Towers.

For sale. One small screen TV. Runs off power generated by stationary exercise bike. $200 or will trade for teeth. Contact me at www.mayIhaveyerteeth.com 

For sale. One pair of blue jeans, white shirt, purpley blue tie, denim jacket and sunglasses. Worn only once in public. $.25 Contact DTM at www.mayIhaveyerteeth.com

   [1]: http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem



	5. Fifth Edition: Pilot (and Poetry)

STREETS OF SEATTLE

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Managing Editor: Samcrazy**

**Politics Editor: Preciousjax**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe**

**Entertainment Editor: Jox5**

**Opinion Editor: Shnapzie**

**Senior Reporter: Daf9**

**Featured Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Contributing Reporter: Angushardie**

**Contributing Reporter: Ewachsmuth**

**Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby**

**Contributing Reporter: Dammachine**

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly**

**Contributing Reporter: Willow771**

**Contributing Reporter: DCRacing**

**Contributing Reporter: 727Angel**

**Contributing Reporter: The Rock**

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

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**EDITOR'S NOTE**

Welcome to the Fifth Edition of the Streets of Seattle.This week, we are presenting our first-ever Poetry edition, in honor of a new book by Streets of Seattle reporter DAF9.

To be entirely honest, there was a recent unfortunate office incident involving some tires, baby oil, a crane, and Daf9.Our attorneys have advised us that she will not pursue legal action if we let her do whatever the heck she wants to this edition.And what she wants, apparently, is to stick limericks everywhere and advertise her upcoming book and event.

Best known for her incredibly unpopular "Idiots Guide to the Human Genome", DAF9 has come out with yet another tome. This one is titled with typical DAF9 humility "Greatest Limericks of the Third Millennium". What can we say? The artwork is nice and the paper is shiny. In other words we wouldn't even be reviewing the book if DAF9 was not threatening to go on strike. Wait a week or so and if you really want to read it you will probably find it in the dumpster behind your local public library.

Live this week only! By the dumpster out back of Fogle Towers in the high-rise district. DAF9 recites limericks from her hot new book "Greatest Limericks of the Third Millennium". 

In addition, Daf9 insisted we hold a Poetry Contest.Since she did not allow us to publicize it, all 483 entries were written by Daf9.However, we got a really cool personal ad that was mis-delivered to Editorial, and due to a quirk in the rules were able to declare it the winner.You will find it later in this edition.

Thank you for your time and we now return you to some news of actual importance.

Jennem1

http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem

*************************************

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_MISSING CAT BURGLAR BAFFLES POLICE_**

**_By Daf9_**

For several years the high rise district experienced a rash of burglaries that ended abruptly almost a year ago. Today the police officially closed the case without every solving it. 

Many of the apartments reporting thefts had expensive security systems that were thwarted with ridiculous ease, suggesting that a professional felon was responsible. However, some of the items stolen were unusual to say the least. For example, Mr. and Mrs. Jason Mason reported that in addition to cash, stocks and a number of valuable pieces of jewelry and ceramic objet d'art, an entire case of cherry bubble gum and two dozen back issues of Teen Magazine were removed from their apartment one Saturday night over a year ago. Missy Mason, the teenage daughter of the family, was devastated but has since recovered nicely. The Mason's son, 10 year old Master Mason Mason, reported seeing Batman climbing up the wall outside his 34th floor bedroom window around the time the crime was committed, but his story was dismissed as the result of an excess of caffeinated beverage consumption prior to retiring for the night. 

Police speculate the burglar has either moved on to greener pastures or retired on his earnings.

**_BOWL FULL OF TEETH_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

Late yesterday evening, the Seattle police department entered an apartment owned by the infamous DTM. For some time now DTM has been running a dentistry office in his own home. According to police, he has no degree to practice dentistry. 

The police department acted when a "patient" of DTM came forward with a complaint. Obviously the suspect was doing more than filling in cavities. The patient had a mouth full of teeth when she got to the house of DTM, but when she awoke she had none. Upon searching the home, the police found the missing (for 3 years now) Stanley Cup. Inside the cup were hundreds of teeth. The suspect, DTM, was quoted on saying, "It is the only way the Blue Lady will protect me!!" Who this Blue Lady is and why this man would need protection is still under investigation. 

The Cup was confiscated, and the police say that it must stay at the station as evidence until the case is solved. The teeth were given back to their (hopefully) rightful owners. There are still about thirty teeth left. The police are holding them until claimed. We will keep you updated on any further information.

**_INNER CITY INSTRUCTIONAL INSTITUTIONS IMPLICATED AS IMPERFECT_**

**_By Dammachine_**

The local school boards have recently received an injection of cash to improve the learning centers for local children. "What are these kids up to?" one concerned citizen inquired while at a meeting held at city council. "Why has so much money been spent on Chocolate Research and what do they hope to learn?" "Things weren't like this when we went to school!" According to sources, many of the schools held secret votes to determine how the gift of cash was to be utilized. As much as half of the money has gone to set up laboratories designed to serve chocolate at varying temperatures to students. 

In a related story. The Principals of the inner city schools are apparently missing. They may have been seen heading to the airport with bags of leftover money and their pockets filled with chocolate. 

**_*********************************_**

**_INTERNATIONAL NEWS_**

**_KID'S SHOW PUPPERTEER'S ON-AIR SUICIDE REVEALING IN MORE THAN ONE WAY_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

A strange and shocking act in front of hundreds of children in a television studio and to millions on satellite reveals the whereabouts of a Hollywood legend and his tragic fall from grace. Kids everywhere were treated to a bizarre argument on the set of BONGO'S BEAT, the popular children's program broadcasted live in Vancouver. One of the more beloved characters was the puppeteer Jimney Jingles and his 'friend' Sock The Runt. Usually these two get along and get into trouble in outlandish and comedic ways, but the laughter stopped when Sock started to berate Jimney over 'falling off the wagon' and how he was 'not getting any from the girl in Accounting'. Jimney promptly countered with a few gripes of his own, most not suitable for broadcast in a family forum. The yelling soon reached fever pitch and before the director and the cast could pull the plug and Jimney off stage, Sock pulled out a .45 Magnum and shot Jimney point blank in between the eyes. He was dead before he hit the floor. All this chaos was broadcasted live in front of stunned children and crew. The Canadian Broadcast Authority immediately shut down production and cleared the studios of the traumatized witnesses. Police were summoned to determined what form of dementia befell Jimney and were shocked by the true identity of Jimney Jingles. He was none other than Robert Downey Junior, esteemed actor and troubled soul whose whereabouts were unknown for the last ten years. How did a man of such talent and pain find himself committing suicide on a children's show?

A search of his flat in a rundown part of Vancouver revealed startling evidence of a life going down in madness, madness caused by the once talked about cure for chemical dependency Numex, often referred to by its street name Num. At the start of 2004, biochemists employed by DiaTech discovered a mean to prevent impulses from reaching the portions of the brain dealing with addiction without damaging the nervous system. Numex was unique as it was a bioengineered treatment dealing with a specific addiction such as heroin, cocaine, and Ecstasy. Used in regular doses along with typical drug counseling, the makers touted, recovery from hard street drugs was nearly 100%. One of the first benefactors of this treatment was Robert Downey himself, who went as far as becoming the spokesperson for the company and receiving shares of stock for his services and lectures on his recovery. Numex seemed have to been an answered prayer, one that gave DiaTech huge windfall profits and their scientists the 2005 Nobel Prize for Medicine and Chemistry.

Then in the closing days of 2008, disaster struck as a rash of suicides, mass murder, unexplained strokes, and complete nervous breakdowns were attributed to Numex. Doctors in the Paris Center For Neurochemistry Studies discovered that repeated use of Numex only starved the cells into making new connections to other brain cells to 'get their fix', as one intern called it. These new neural connections intercepted and interrupted normal brain signals, causing eventual breakdowns of the neural net. Some of the after effects noted in the study were epileptic shock, violent behavior, relapse into previous addictions which was then coupled to a need for more Numex to stop those cravings, split personality, and delusions of a frantic nature. The real danger of Numex was that these traits could not be predicted. An addict could go insane within six months of Numex treatment or six years. While the scientists in DiaTech feigned knowledge of the side effects, a number of lawsuits and criminal inquiries from fifteen countries and thirty-five state courts forced a suspension in Numex's manufacture and distribution. The company was in the beginning stages of product withdrawal when the chaos of the Pulse occurred. Overnight, huge stockpiles of Numex were stolen by crazed addicts wanting their Num and facilities which produced the drug were taken over by gang lords eager to exploit the market. In only ten years, the percentage of addicts hooked on Num has risen 150%

Vancouver Police theorized that Robert Downey Junior must have fled the chaos of the Dark Months and found safety in Canada where he obtained his supply of Num from the various drug lords. Further searches of his flat uncovered an untold amount of journals and school notebooks with much of Downey's madness written in various handwriting styles and at various stages of mental development. One book was written in highly advanced technical jargon while another was literally drawn in red crayon by a five year old. Also among his belongings were his sketches for his puppet acts, right down to the cue cards for the puppets themselves. Police can't say how and when Downey managed to become employed on BONGO'S BEAT, pending further investigation and locating of the next of kin. What they can say is Downey's madness might have occurred six to thirteen months prior to his on air suicide and that a woman was involved. Several drawn portraits of this woman were littered throughout the flat, but as of yet no positive identification has been found.

The producers of BONGO'S BEAT have suspended production of the show until a final decision is made and after possible legal and civil suits have been settled. For now, the show is in reruns sans any episodes that had Jimney playing out his fantasies with Sock. No further word on whether the skits will eventually be aired or destroyed.

*************************************

**MEDICINE**

**_HOW SAFE ARE SEATTLE'S HOSPITALS?_**

**_A Special Report by Preciousjax_**

An elderly woman of fifty-one fell and compacted her twelfth vertebrae in her apartment several months ago. Due to the excruciating pain that she was in, the woman, whose family asked that she not be identified, was going to be spending at least a week in the hospital. She was lying in her bed the night after her injury, in the spinal cord injury unit of Metro Medical Hospital, when an explosion rocked the third floor. She was knocked from her bed and struck her head on the wall with enough force to kill her instantly.

Assassination attempts in or around hospitals have risen in an alarming rate in the past five years. It is estimated that at least one thousand people will be murdered while receiving medical care and at least six hundred more will die because they were in the wrong room at the wrong time. This is one crime that is sadly becoming an everyday occurrence, and one that rarely even makes top story news anymore. 

This particular assassination attempt was a sniper's bullet missing its intended target, the police assume, and hitting an oxygen tank near by. Luckily for the room's inhabitant, an unknown person had moved him down the hall and into safety before the attack had taken place. Mr. Logan Cale, who barely escaped with his life after being shot in the back earlier in the day, is once again lucky to be alive. 

Unfortunately, not everyone has the guardian angel that Mr. Cale did and thousands of people are dying due to the lack of safety in today's medical facilities. Before the Pulse, medical facilities were one of the safest places someone could go. Now that security officers are needed in other supposedly more dangerous places, people have been known to wonder into the hospitals in the middle of the night to visit patients. 

Such is the case of Mr. Cale's guardian angel. No one on staff knows who moved him, but one nurse saw a woman dressed in black pushing his gurney down the hall mere seconds before the attack was made. This leads me to ask; maybe instead of calling her a guardian angel, maybe we should be referring to her as his dark angel? 

While following up with Mr. Cale's story, I received information from an inside source that stated Mr. Cale had another run in with this 'dark angel'. After a surgery on his spinal cord, this mysterious woman donated the life-giving blood that he was desperately in need of, and would have died without. The oddity of this situation was the woman performed to procedure herself, without permission or help from doctors. This just goes to show that anyone can walk into a hospital and do whatever they want to a patient with the workers of the hospital either not knowing or not caring of the outcome. 

Now that hospital violence and mishaps are on the up rise, maybe it is time that we placed a call to bring the ineffective security off the streets and into the places we need them most. 

**_BALKAN WAR SYNDROME:IS THE CURE WORSE THAN THE DISEASE?_**

**_By Daf9_**

A surprising development in the treatment of Balkan War Syndrome was announced this week at the University of Washington Seattle. Cortodiazapine, the standard accepted treatment for this disease has been shown to lead to an unacceptably high increase in liver disease. 

A meta analysis of liver failure incidence rates in Seattle and around the country over the past ten years showed a significant drop in newly diagnosed cases for this year that was traced back to last year's disruption in Cortodiazapine supplies. Further laboratory studies have confirmed an association between Cortodiazapine usage and loss of liver function. 

Scientists around the country and abroad are frantically searching for an alternative treatment. Currently St. Johns wart holds the most promise. 

*************************************

**EDITORIAL**

**_IT'S A DEPRESSION, SO WHO'S REALLY DEPRESSED?_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

Hey, we all know the saying, life goes on.But in these dark times you can't help but look out and see all the people of a one fruitful and, dare I say it, happy city struggling to keep on their feet.There are a few exceptions, for course, the few lucky people who immediately after the Pulse found financial security in some area.Well, you can't help but be jealous.We here at the 'Streets' interviewed a few of these people, and by far the most popular among our reporters was Mr. Logan Cale, heir to the Cale trust.

Reporter: "So Mr. Cale, how does it feel to live up here, and be able to look down on the less fortunate?

Cale: "I find it very, very depressing to think that others are not as lucky as me.I was fortunate enough to have a sum of money to fall back on, and some of that I use to help out the people of Seattle."

Reporter: "Can you elaborate?"

Cale: "Recently I donated a cheque to the children's hospital, so that they could buy the equipment they needed to get it up and running again."

Reporter: "It's good to know that some people in this community still care."

Cale: "Thanks."

Reporter: "What extra activities do you enjoy, thanks to your money?"

Cale: "As I believe in helping others that aren't as lucky, I have set up a wheelchair basketball team and an area especially for this not just for me, but for the other disabled in Seattle. I also have been able to buy local art painted by the talented in Seattle, again helping out those not as lucky as me."

Reporter: "Thank you Mr. Cale for your time."

We have seen this side of life, and as we want the story from both sides, we looked at the people of Seattle who sleep on the streets, and earn little money each day.We interviewed a Mr. Phil, a man who lives in a run-down shack on the outskirts.

Reporter: "I will be blunt, Mr. Phil.How is life here, on the streets?"

Phil: "Umm, well, it's, awful, I guess..."

Reporter: "Just awful?"

Phil: "It, is...yeah, awful.People who have more money look down on you like you are trash or something."

Reporter: "I see...well, thank you, Mr. Phil."

Sure life is hard.But at times like this we need to remember, that as long as we have family and friends, life will go on.

_I have to make a confession _

_I don't like the post-pulse depression _

_There's peppermint oil _

_But no potatoes to boil _

_These limericks are becoming an obsession._

_DAF9_

**_OP-ED_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

We had recently read some erroneous information about the death of the Exalted Reverend Samantha Adjia of the Nation of Islam Reformed, formerly the American Pop Culture slave Britney Spears, from Ninja650, a reporter for your paper. We send you this letter to inform you and those oppressed by the militaristic police state of America that the Exalted Reverend is alive and well and presently preaching the word of Allah and Malcolm X in the enlightened sovereign state known as the Republic of Alaska, whose duly and legally elected president 'Governor' William Hodges continues the fight against the abusive and oppressive Zionist controlled puppet nation of America and for the freedom of all indigenous peoples in the Western Hemisphere and whose grateful hospitality for the unjustly pursued Exalted Reverend is most appreciated. The Exalted Reverend feels that the murder of the false 'Britney Spears', while tragic, is another example of the racist government's attempts at enslaving the people to materialistic and obscene images and culture, as well as making a false martyrdom of a life that was false and obscene to start with. 

The Exalted Reverend had renounced that past life when she was freed by the Word of Allah and the speeches of the prophet Malcolm X. She gave up that name and that life of 'Britney Spears' because it reminded her of her sexual servitude and of her role in shackling the minds and hearts of the youth of America with false sexual freedom and decadent godless living. Soon after her lowest point in life with her 'interview' and demeaning pictures in the August 2007 issue of PLAYBOY (where she insists she was beguiled like so many of her position like Dana Plato, Kristy Swanson, Belinda Carlisle, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Alyson Hannigan into posing nude and semi-nude for such smut magazines like PLAYBOY, MAXIM, and PERFECT 10.), she found the True Word and was saved to preach the Gospel of Islam, Reformed where women are truly liberated from the sexual bondage of the media and the so-called Christian Church and allowed to be true to themselves and God. The person who deluded himself or herself into killing this false 'Britney' is a sad and lonely person who was foolish to take the life of an equally foolish woman who based her life on distorted images and unrealistic dreams. The Exalted Reverend offers her consoling services on a personal and non-judgmental basis to this lost soul who did this act in exchange for his/her submission to any employment official of the Republic of Alaska within the Seattle city limits. She offers complete and total absolution from all criminal prosecution since 'Britney Spears' and the life she led before her salvation was dead long ago. You can not kill what has already passed on. 

We urge the readers of this paper to recognize the truth, both of the living prophet and freedom fighter the Exalted Reverend Samantha Adjia formerly 'Britney Spears' and of the word of Allah which will blaze a path of freedom and equality against those who seek to profit from the sexual slavery and tyranny of the mind, body, and soul. Find the True Word and the teachings of the Exalted Reverend any way you can. Fight the racist overlords of America and choose living! 

Praise Allah, the Prophet, and the Exalted Reverend, 

Nathan Onyx, secretary to the Office of the Exalted Reverend and ambassador of the Free State of Franklin (formerly the enslaved states of the Midwest) to the Republic of Alaska, Nation of Islam, Reformed. 

*************************************

**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editor, 

My comrades and I down at the lodge were horrified to read Mr. ANGUSHARDIE's recent article describing the sale of the Statue of Liberty to the sultan of Brunei. As veterans of the Gulf War, we feel our country owes us more than the slap in the face that we see selling this great national monument to another one of those d*mn Islamic nations to be. In protest we have "liberated" every copy of Koran to be found in Seattle's public libraries and will be staging a giant bonfire on July 6 (Mohammad's birthday). Fellow minded Americans are welcome to join us. 

Disgruntled Veterans

Der ediTer 

Dat guy what got charged with the shot in the head thing? He dinnit do it. Sure he threw da guy out du window but if he died from a shot in the head he musta been alive when he landed...And so dat guy what got charged he's a victum of mistaken idnetity.

Dear Editor 

attn: Julie (of the Wheelchair Basketball story) 

I was writing to inquire about the Wheelchair Basketball league mentioned in last week's paper. My sister who is in a wheelchair as the result of an auto accident wants to know if women are welcome to play as well, or if not; is there a women's league? And what about a children's league?

_Dear Writer, _

_Thank you for your interest in the Wheelchair Basketball league. There were no women that were playing in the game I saw; however, if there are enough women interested then a league can be started. In the meantime tell your sister to go down to the high school courts and talk to the guys that play. I don't see a reason why the league couldn't become coed. The guys were all really nice and they are willing to welcome anyone that would be interested in playing. _

_Julie_

Dear Editor, 

This is for that &*&^ reporter of yours Ms. Shnapzie. I came home after a hard days work at the public library only to discover that my cardboard condo had been COMPLETELY DISMANTLED by my neighbors who, on the advice of Ms. Shnapzie's column were burning it in their trash can!!! How would you like it if I came to your apartment and removed all the bricks to turn them into brick heating pads or modern sculpture? My neighbors, they're nice people, but not the sharpest crayons in the box if you get my drift? Please, please don't give them any more BRIGHT ideas! 

Homeless in Seattle

Dear Editors, 

I just finished reading your article about the Raphael Banks dress that was stolen, and the mysterious person who paid for it. Maybe I should point out that I am writing this letter from Marberry State Penitentiary where I am on year two of my seven-year sentence for grand larceny of a similar Raphael Banks dress. My question is, does this man have certain criteria on who he saves from law suits, because where was he when I was getting drug out of my job as a bike messenger three years ago? His deep pockets could have come in handy to me then. But if this mystery man is sitting in some tricked out penthouse, feeling bad for not helping me out, he could always pay off my no good cheap SOB lawyer. Or he could buy me back that dress that I stole, I am serving ten years and they didn't even let me keep the dress! 

Sincerely, 

PDP (Poorly Dressed in Prison) 

Dear Editors, 

Two weeks ago, there was a book review on the biography of the current Democratic presidential nominee, one Karen E. Murray. I'd just like to clear the record now, I am Jacquelyn D. Arnold, and just because I am in jail doesn't mean that my word is any less credible. Karen E. Murray is a bi***. Straight up bad person. She lied, cheated, and slept her way to the top office. She can't be trusted. She likes...[gasp shudder] HARRY POTTER BOOKS! I know all this because I spent several years associating (unwillingly) with her on a old message board dedicated to the long running FOX television sci-fi drama (that can still be seen with new episodes in its 19th season). She did nothing but harass me and the other fan fiction writers. If not for her, I would not have had my little incident at the post office with that .44 and I would not be serving my twenty to life sentence that I am now. She *is* the weakest link, and now that this country is finally crawling out of the post-depression hell that we have found ourselves in, do we really want to trust the country to a girl who used to ride around on a scooter while she checked out her neighbor? That is what I thought. So if worse comes to worse, vote republican if you have to, just keep Karen E. Murray out of office. The day she gets voted in, well, that is the day that I jab out my eyes with the wrong end of a sharp stick. 

Sincerely, 

Jacquelyn D. Arnold, Author of the Never Best Selling Never Critically Acclaimed Book 'How to Take Over the World And Get Away With It.' Available Nowhere

_Note to our readers: Ms. Arnold implies in her letter that she is in prison. Our sources reveal she is actually serving time in the home for the "two bricks short of a load" crowd. _

Dear Editor 

A paper called "Streets of Seattle" 

Thinks citizens shouldn't be cattle 

And so once a week 

The editors speak 

Too bad that it's all just prattle. 

"loyal" reader and aspiring limerick writer

*************************************

**LIFESTYLES**

**_SEATTLE'S DIRTY LAUNDRY_**

**_By Angushardie_**

Every week this reporter is faced with a problem: I have a pile of dirty laundry yet because of the high price of launderettes I cannot afford to actually wash any of it. So what do I do? What I do is I go to the apartment of a good (and rich!) friend and use their washing machine. However, I assume that not everyone does this. Mainly because the apartment never seems as crowded as it would have to be if all of the inhabitants of the Seattle area were using that one washing machine. So in the interests of research, this intrepid reporter decided to go out into Seattle and investigate how Seattle deals with its dirty laundry. 

I felt that the first place to start was the launderette. I visited the SunWash launderette on the corner of Pacific Avenue and Constitution Drive. First a quick check of the prices and then inside. At $7 for a wash and $5 for a dryer this is not a cheap option. The prices are so high that most probably couldn't afford to avail themselves of the services of this select establishment with any regularity. However it did seem quite busy so I got talking to Gina Dupris, a food service worker in her 30s who was washing her clothing there. 

"Yes I come here occasionally but its a bit of treat for me, the prices are a bit high for every month", and her opinion of the service offered: "Not too bad, the owner seems a little less creepy than most which is why I come to this one rather than that one owned by the private detective." 

Finally I asked here what she did the rest of the time: did she try to use some else's washing machine, wash by hand, or simply not wash her clothing at all. 

"Well mostly I just wash by hand, as an abattoir worker the management don't care terribly so I only make an effort when my clothing really needs it or when I'm going out. Which isn't much since I don't get paid loads." 

Moving swiftly away from Ms. Dupris' blood splattered clothing I noticed a smart gentleman in the corner eyeing the whole room in a covert manner. Moving inconspicuously up to him I got into a hushed conversation and managed to ask a few questions. Although first I received a warning: "Be quiet will you, I don't want to get noticed." 

Upon further enquiry I learnt that the man who shall remain nameless was intending to add his small amount of washing to somebody else's load and get them to pay. Like the Cuckoo bird laying its eggs in another birds nest, this man apparently puts his laundry in the machines of others. He then tries to recover the items after the washing cycle is complete. His success rate? "Well, I gets my wash done, I guess. Sometimes things get a bit edgy, y'know, but I gets my wash done."

I questioned him further on his approach, what happens if the unwilling target realizes that not all of the washing is their own? "I do lose some, but its a cost of doing business y'know. But I have this face that I gives to the mark, its like, "(adopts upper class British accent)" My dear chap, I'm so sorry I must have left those trifling items in your machine, so sorry." (he returned to his normal accent)" Which generally works Ok. Somebody tried to beat me once and I've been thrown out of a couple of laundries but not too bad." 

At this point my dishonest companion noticed a suitable target, a female senior citizen, and promptly moved to'provide assistance' to her.

After some debate with friends and some research I have come to the conclusion that the best thing is to find a rich person with a washing machine and marry them. I will be moving in with Jenny (My rich friend) tomorrow.However for those without this possibility the choice is split evenly between hand washing, dishonestly washing in the cuckoo style and not washing at all. 

Personally I think that this is an urgent problem and if the citizens of Seattle are not to be known far and wide as the most odorous in all of America then something will have to be done. However I don't care, I have a washing machine. 

And no, you can't use it. 

_The cuckoo is a cunning bird _

_Others raise his chicks I've heard _

_With laundry seven bucks a load _

_It's made me try a cuckoo mode _

_That load over there's my third._

_DAF9_

**_THE HOUSING ALTERNATIVE_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

Squatting. An altogether practical decision to make. The benefits of squatting far outweigh the arguments against. For one thing, you're no longer bothered by the inconvenience of property tax. You can move in and out with ease, and don't have to worry about selling your pad. And the rent's cheaper--approximately nil.

Seattle residents seem to recognize this: according to the current census report, more than one out of three people don't legally live in their place of residence.

'Course, squatting does have its downside. All that money one saves by sidestepping taxes goes toward the weekly sector police payoff. At least once they're paid, you can dubiously trust them not to report you. It wouldn't be in their financial interest to turn you in.

Whether it's a good idea or not, this opinionated reporter enjoys her rent free studio she doesn't own, rent, or pay taxes for. And it's a darn good thing I'm content, cause on my salary I can't afford anything costlier.

_This advice is for all you squatters _

_Who dislike mingling with yachters _

_Keep your shanties inland _

_With a burning trash can on hand _

_And just stay away from the waters _

_DAF9_

*************************************

**POETRY AWARD WINNER**

_The editorial staff of Streets of Seattle unanimously declared the following submission as the Grand Prize Winner in our DAF9 Poetry Contest.It was in fact submitted as a personal ad, so if you are interested in dating the writer please reply to SOS Box 287.Although we personally find the writer somewhat frightening as a relationship prospect, his/her talent is unquestionable.Plus, he/she won a gift certificate to Mohammed's House of Spaghetti and a year's supply of Kool-Aid, so maybe it's not such a bad idea after all._

**CLASSIFIED AD**

**By Ewachsmuth**

In the labyrinth 

Of sweet death-compelling dreams 

It's your eyes I seek 

In the labyrinth 

Echoing sobs of the lost 

My grief cries to you 

In the labyrinth 

I hunger without reprieve. 

Feed me--Hear my voice 

In the labyrinth 

I seek you, my dark angel. 

Without you, I'm lost. 

*************************************

**FEATURES**

**_ODDITIES_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

Recently some of our reporters got word that the soup kitchens were being bombarded with people. We investigated, knowing the sector police were not letting many people in who were prepared to stay. 

It just so happened that the people who were raking the soup kitchens clean were not newcomers at all, but citizens of Seattle! They get the food from the kitchens and then take them to all day cookouts where everyone brings their own dish! So, we went under cover to one of these so-called cookouts and to our surprise we found that this was a very popular thing to do. That way no money is spent and there is a variety of different foods to enjoy. 

Even though the soup kitchens are not too happy about being picked clean, everyone agrees that this way many people can come together to enjoy a meal and have a little fun in day to day life. For more information about the cook outs contact the Streets of Seattle.

**_HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY_**

**_By Shnapzie and Daf9_**

_Shnapzie:_ No sane person would pay the 55 cents it costs to make a call on a pay phone. So here's a secret: If you give it a good whack on it's side just above the change return slot, someone's change likely will be returned to you! The unfortunate thing is, after everyone reads this article, no one will bother paying anymore, and change will cease to just pour out.

In order to prevent this, this newspaper and this reporter claim absolutely NO liability regarding pay phone fraud. We won't be held responsible, so don't even try!

_Daf9:_ As an alternative plan, go to one of the apartments in the fancy part of town [NOT Fogle Towers, that's my gig]. Bribe the doorman to give you access to the laundry room where you carefully remove one or two pairs of men's pants from each washing machine and pick approximately 1/2" worth of stitches out of the front pockets. Replace the pants in the machine and then just hang around outside the building for a week or so collecting change. 

_Shnapzie:_ Of course if you have to make an EMERGENCY call this method is not very useful. Otherwise, excellent plan! In return for so kindly sharing your tip, I'll leave Fogle Towers alone. 

Hee hee! A bunch of rich guys walking around, money dropping out their pants with every step--and they're so caught up in themselves that I bet they don't even notice!

_Daf9:_Actually I'm planning on relocating. Business has dropped off sharply in recent months. Ever since something happened to this one dude and his companion/bodyguard(?). Dude's now in a wheelchair and carries his change in a bag and his new companion/bodyguard keeps his in his socks. I've tried everything, including sending the companion a pair of sandals but to no avail. Anyway I'm planning on transferring my operation down to the YumYum motel. Turns out its one of the "in" places for guys with the flash to step out on their wives. And apparently many of them use the motel laundromat to hide the evidence. Lady who had the franchise is retiring to Mexico.

*************************************

**ENTERTAINMENT**

**_FILM FESTIVAL GETS TWO THUMBS UP_**

**_By Jox5_**

Last Friday, the Yum Yum Tree Motel held a film festival in a effort to pull them back from closing down. They featured pre-pulse classics like Titanic, The Matrix, Castaway, and Mission Impossible 8. 

A crowd of about two hundred showed up to escape the reality of the world we live in. That didn't work to well with the parking lot that shouldn't have been able to seat more than one hundred fifty. 

However, despite the lack of oxygen and the smelly cheap motel, it was a first rate festival. 

I give in two thumbs up.

**_MOVIES_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

On Cineplex 2, Canada.:

**TEST PATTERNS,**_ 2005, voices of Katie Holmes, Tobey Maguire, Josh Hartnett, and Alec Baldwin. Written, Produced, and Directed by Trent Reznor. Animated. Unrated. _Arguably one of the most hotly debated cult films in recent memory, Trent Reznor's one and only attempt at film making has been called many things. From 'Brilliant and morbid' (ROLLING STONE) to 'Confusing, bizarre, and hard to follow' (THE GUARDIAN) to 'The biggest piece of sh*t I've ever seen, and I wouldn't watch it again with a gun to my b*lls' (the defunct ScoopMe.com), Reznor's ode to FAUST, Harlan Ellison's rock and roll novel SPIDER KISS (which Mr. Ellison had to sue to get a title credit and a piece of the box office gross), and Brian De Palma's THE PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE (who unsuccessfully tried to stop distribution and sued to copyright infringement which was eventually settled out of court) is a mind numbing trek into Heaven, Hell, and Cleveland. Katie Holmes plays Star Brite, a bisexual rock maiden (to which some critics have argued is Reznor's passing swipe on the then teen pop star Britney Spears), who makes a deal with Satan (Maguire) for eventual rock godhood. The only thing standing in her way is an innocent rockabilly revivalist (Hartnett) and his manager/father/New Age Christian priest guru (Baldwin). Rumor had it that Marilyn Manson was to be the lead, but due to his many arguments with Reznor, he was dropped from the project. Surprisingly, Ms. Spears did provide vocals, as well as Janet Jackson, REM, and Sonic Youth. This film is strictly for music buffs and those who need a few hours to kill. _An acquired taste at best. Contains very strong sexual content, Satanic references, gore, and drug use. Parents Strongly Cautioned!_

*************************************

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*************************************

**ADVICE**

Dear He Said/She Said,

Having been married three times, I have children living in three different sectors. Yet my sector passes are limited. How can I make my children feel equally loved? 

Sincerely, 

Policed Parent 

Dear Policed: I feel for you in a strange sort of way, it's never easy living in a police state, if your children are all over the age of ten, I suggest keeping in touch by mail and getting together only at times when your sector passes allow. Also be sure to explain that you only have so much money that you can't exactly be present all the time, as a working mother myself I find it difficult to visit my own family as I spend most of my time in sector 6. I hope this has helped you. 

He Said/She Said

Dear He Said/She Said: 

There is nothing to drink in the house but vodka and milk and I'm lactose intolerant. Whatever shall I do? 

Thirsty in Seattle.

Dear Thirsty in Seattle:

Based on an instant messenger, I am not going to mention any names, (KAREN!!!), but I think I know who you are (KAREN!!!). If you choose to remain anonymous (KAREN!!!) this is fine, so I will leave your name out (KAREN!!!). All I can say is, make sure you take some aspirin before you pass out, it will help with the hangover in the morning. Also, please do not operate any heavy machinery, like tanks or aircraft carriers, and please, stay out of my state. Or, you could walk to the story and by some orange juice and make screwdrivers, but then you wouldn't just have vodka and milk would you? My advice? Sell the milk on Antique Roadshow, its a rare commodity these days and I'm sure you'll catch a fare price, the go buy yourself some Kool Aid.

He Said/She Said

Dear Martha Stewart 

My two co-husbands and I are planning a dinner party for the upcoming 4th of July. We will be serving rat and are facing the perennial question. Red, white or dandelion wine? We have agreed to abide by your decision. 

Anxious hostess 

Dear Anxious Hostess, 

I am sorry to inform you Martha is dead. Do you have any post-pulse wine cause that would be the best. If you don't then white wine. 

He Said/She Said 

*************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

Dumpster diver looking for companion. After an unfortunate experience with a faulty lid I no longer wish to dumpster dive alone. Contact Box 345. Serious replies ONLY. DapHt9 

Professional toilet paper use teacher seeking companionship. Free lesson with date(valued at $24.99). Demonstration included. Note: BYOTP, plumbing expenses not included upon toilet clogging. Persons suffering from diarrhea need not apply. Void where prohibited. 

Pink-haired female seeks devoted companion. Should be skilled in cutting and pasting, de-fogging monitors, and cleaning crumbs from keyboards. Love and adoration required but no physical contact permitted. Contact "Editor," Streets of Seattle. 

A statue of the Egyptian goddess Bast to replace one lost from my apartment. No questions asked but will pay extra if you can put me in contact with the original seller. Contact Logan Cale, Fogle Towers, Seattle.

SWF X-6 looking for a delightful male that enjoys dark basements and playing war games. specifically "Release and Catch". He must have nice teeth Call for X6-269 in basement block X6.

_A man with a fine set of choppers _

_Wants a woman who is an eye-popper _

_Has posted this ad _

_To see what's to be had _

_Please don't make me come up a cropper_

_DAF9_

Wanted: I need a 6 speed auto. transmission in good condition for a 2009 Ford 5.7 liter twin turbo Mustang. I have no money, but can trade, I have some Medical supplies, salt, suger, pepper, real bath soap[no lye]and some nice baby teeth to trade. Contact me from 7pm to 9pm in front of Jenn's Liquor & Bike store

_Dear Door Mat Don _

_I'm from Azerbaijan _

_I once had a vision _

_Of such a transmission _

_But when I awoke it was gone._

_DAF9_

_ _

_Dear Door Mat Don _

_I'm DAF from Ceylon _

_I too had a vision _

_of such a transmission _

_I sold my transmission to John._

_DAF9_

_ _

_Dear DCRACING _

_I see what you're facing _

_A vintage transmission _

_In decent condition _

_It may be a dream that you're chasing_

_DAF9_

_ _

_Dear Door Mat Don _

_Now the pranksters have gone _

_If you want your transmission _

_Just make a decision _

_It's sitting out there on my lawn._

_DAF9_


	6. Sixth Edition: Rising

**********************************

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Managing Editor: Samcrazy**

**Politics Editor: Preciousjax**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe**

**News Editor: Cherokee128**

**Opinion Editor: Shnapzie**

**Senior Reporter: Daf9**

**Featured Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Contributing Reporter: Ninja650**

**Contributing Reporter: Dammachine**

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly**

**Conspiracy Reporter: Darkknight**

**Contributing Reporter: DCRacing**

**************************************

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_MYSTERIOUS MEN_**

**_By Ninja650_**

In a strange turn of events, a few days ago a landlord in a local apartment building was killed while what seemed to be thieves ransacked one of the apartments. Police suspect that the loud rummaging through the apartment and the sound of the door getting kicked in is what drew the attention of the landlord, who out of concern for his tenants went to check if everything was all right. It was then where he was caught by the thieves and got his neck broken. Nothing was reported missing from the apartment, however. Maybe the landlord provided enough of a distraction to throw off their plan. 

The man was killed in the same fashion as the concierge from that hotel a few weeks ago. Remember that story? The one with the guys who punched through the elevator door, harassed the bellhop, and killed the concierge at the front desk? Police see a link between the two deaths and are trying to trace them back to the three men that were caught on the video surveillance. The crimes were acted out in the same fashion. A kicked in door, no items stolen, and a man with a broken neck. Police were keeping big lookout for these three. 

In a bizarre twist to this story, the offices of Washington Meridian Insurance were destroyed just a few days ago. Manager Mr. Petrik discovered this on his way to work early the next day. He came to find windows busted out, three dead people, and the remains of what looked to be some kind of explosion. Two of the men were, oddly enough, part of the three that were on the surveillance camera in the hotel. One died in the explosion, the other by gunshot wounds. The other man was not part of the group and is suspected of being the killer of these men. The third of the original group has yet to be found. Police suspect that that one survived after plunging an axe into the body of their attacker. Police have no clue as to his whereabouts. But the strange thing is, why did they pick the offices of an insurance building to have their battle and how did they get in? The windows were reported as broken from the inside. A window high above was broken in from the outside, but could anyone survive such a fall or be able to get up and fight a battle after it? Well, these guys were said to be able to punch through an elevator door, so who knows?

_With the criminal elements nefarious _

_A landlord's job is precarious _

_To have your neck broken _

_For a paycheck that's token _

_I'd rather MY danger be vicarious_

_Daf9_

**_SEAGULLS SHARE SPACE NEEDLE WITH SEATTLETONIANS_**

**_By Dammachine_**

It has been brought to this reporter's attention that the space needle is being "abused" by certain rather unpopular scavenger birds. It is reported that the droppings from the seagulls are harming the structural integrity of the once beautiful Seattle landmark. Not to mention creating a hazard for anyone walking below. 

Local city politician Jessica Fans states. "If the situation isn't "rectified" then this could be all "butt" the "end" of the tower that has been the highlight of the skyline in our fair city. Seattle is considering all options including piping in loud music consisting of mainly a bass rif, percussion instruments and a synthesizer." 

Another possibility is the start up of a new industry involving something about Bonsai Birds. More on Bonsai Birds in upcoming issues.

**************************************

**INTERNATIONAL NEWS**

**_AMERICAN VIGILANTISM ON THE RISE_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

American vigilantism has reached an all-time high, second only to the months following the Pulse, report scientists at Columbia, one of America's few remaining privately owned universities.Typically associated with homicide, vigilantes perform their deeds with no regard to the legality of their actions. Essentially, they take the law into their own hands.

Vigilantism has always been a problem in the US; however, for the most part this was confined to street gangs and the organized crime circles.

Since the Pulse, though, vigilantism carried out by the layman has shot up. According to Columbia's report, today 37% of unlawful killings are performed independent of a gang or crime unit, as opposed to 31%, the previously held record next to those months subsequent to the Pulse (42%).

The most prominent reasons stated for this increase are "the ease with which murders are able to be performed" and "the recognization of the negligence in investigating unknown homicides." The report did not include specifics pertaining to the laxness of the investigative branch of the legal system.

**************************************

**CONSPIRACY**

_Editor's Note: Conspiracy theory is by nature a complicated subject.When dealing in an area rampant with shady dealings, half-truths, and outright lies, discovering the real answers is far from simple.Recently, we assigned a re-opening Moon Landing Hoax story.Theories on the first American moon landing have been surfacing and changing for years..starting not too long after the "landing" itself.The result?Two writers, two completely different theories. Who's right?Who knows?_

**_CONSPIRACY THEORIES: MOON LANDING A HOAX?_**

**_SPYDER aka The Dark Knight the Conspiracy Theories Reporter_**

"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Was this never said on the moon but rather in some secret government hanger in Area 51? It's now over forty-five years since the Apollo 11 landing, described as the greatest achievement of the 20th century that has yet to be matched. But since the collapse of the American government after the pulse it has been discovered that some once classified government documents confirm some of the dreamers on that fateful day in July when we touched on the surface of the moon.

According to these documents, the 2001 Fox program claiming the whole thing was a hoax was actually right. So you are thinking to yourself how can something they taught us at school be totally wrong? (Just like Columbus being the first person to reach American…but that's a whole other story.) Well, the proof is right below and if you can't believe it read it again. Rene and Percy, two of the leading expert supporters of this theory, concluded the following:

*The classic picture of the astronaut and flag has shadows going in different ways.

* NASAis quoted saying "Lunar lander was unsafe and would be impossible to fly even in the safe atmosphere of Earth. "

*The tremendous radiation encountered in the Van Allen Belt, solar radiation, cosmic radiation, temperature control, and many other problems connected with space travel prevent living organisms leaving our atmosphere. 

*The moon rocks are all fake and could be made on earth. Also it is said that the same "backdrop" was used for all the Apollo missions.

* The cross hairs on the cameras shouldn't be behind objects as they are in a couple of official NASA photos.

I went back and reread the info and rewatched what's left of the tape and found one common argument used by the anti-Apollo folks is that in photographs of astronauts on the lunar surface, no stars can be seen in the dark sky.Therefore the pictures must have been taken on Earth somewhere.

So what do you guys think? Hoax or legit? Join me next week.

**_ORIGINAL MOON LANDING: FRAUD_**

**_by Cherokee128_**

For the past 20 years conspiracy theorists have tried and tried again to prove the original moon landing to be fake. All the evidence pointed to a hoax, but there was no proof to back it up. But now in the year 2019, only a week ago, one of the original plotters of the hoax made a deathbed confession. He said that NASA had planned the whole thing, and had built a special set on which to film the entire thing. 

The actors were paid for their services, and the families silenced. The whole world believed that we, the United States of America, had succeeded in landing on the moon. NASA officials confirm the whole thing was indeed an elaborate hoax, or was it...? Please submit your own thoughts to the editor for our letters to the editor column. 

**************************************

**SPECIAL REPORT__**

**_KNOW YOUR ALERT LEVELS!!! _**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

_In accordance with the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010, this newspaper now presents the latest updates of the National Alert Level Code. This Code has been established to better inform civilians of the current military situation within their local area. All newspapers and public facilities are required to make this information available, free of advertising. For updates in another language, please go to the public library, city hall, or post office at their regular business hours. The following translations available are: Spanish, French, German, Arabic, Chinese (Regional dialects vary. Please be specific in your selection), Japanese, Vietnamese, and Cherokee. For other translations, request a faxed or printed copy at your library for a fee of $2.00 (US Gold Coin) or its equal. The fee is strictly for the computer time and paper since it's presently a strategic material._

The present breakdown of National Alert Levels are as follows:

**LEVEL ZERO: **Peace. All civilian authority is in full command. Military personnel are on standdown. All civil liberties protected under National Declaration except for extreme cases.****

**LEVEL ONE: **Possible disturbance coming within a week or more. All civilian authority remains in control, but key persons must be in contact with military high command for updates of current situation. Military personnel are at low security alert, checking all unauthorized personnel on suspicion basis. All civil liberties protected, but some discretionary powers involving curfews and public assembly is authorized. Voluntary evacuations to safe areas are permitted and encouraged within edits of the military command. Essential personnel, such as doctors and civil engineers, are to remain in contact with military and civil authorities on possible changes to the political situation.

**LEVEL TWO: **Possible disturbance coming within a week or less. All civilian authority must now answer to military command on possible martial law procedures and maintaining order. Military personnel are at medium security alert, restricted to base with minimum contact to civilian population and all unauthorized personnel are to be searched without exception. Civil liberties involving public assembly, protests, and freedom of speech are closely monitored and supervised. All known subversives and foreign nationals (whether friendly, neutral, or hostile to the United States) must be registered to military command for possible evacuation and/or incarceration. Civil evacuations are permitted, but in an orderly fashion. All non-essential civil personnel are urged to withdraw to safer zones. All essential personnel's movements are restricted to Alert Area Limits assigned by military command. Stockpiling of essential matériel by civilians is allowable within accordance to military law. Stockpiling of essential matériel by civil and military authorities is mandatory.

**LEVEL THREE:** Disturbance imminent within 24 to 72 hours. All civil authority must surrender control to military command and remain to assist in possible evacuation of civilians from area. Military personnel are at high alert, no unauthorized personnel permitted on base under penalty of incarceration or death. Civil liberties are suspended until further notice. Curfew in effect. All known subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States will be detained by military personnel in an orderly fashion. All neutral and friendly nationals will be evacuated to safer areas. All non-essential civilians (including children under age 15, the elderly, and the injured) are to be evacuated from area within time limits. All essential personnel are restricted to their homes and assigned areas. Stockpiling of essential matériel by civilians now prohibited under penalty of incarceration. Stockpiling and seizing of essential matériel by civil and military authorities is mandatory. All National Guard Units are activated. All civil police units are permitted to use excessive force to maintain order. All citizen militias are restricted to their spheres of influence unless directed by military command. Civil disorder is to be quelled!****

**LEVEL FOUR: **Disturbance imminent within 24 hours or less. All civil authority is now under direct military control. Military personnel are at highest alert status, all unauthorized personnel are to be shot on sight for possible sabotage. Civil liberties are suspended until further notice. 24-hour curfew in effect for all non-essential personnel not yet evacuated from area. All known subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States are to be incarcerated by military personnel and shot if they resist. All friendly and neutral nationals are to be detained to secure grounds along with any remaining civilians for their own safety. All travel to and from area is restricted to military convoy and last minute evacuation. All matériel necessary to survive crisis will be seized by military personnel without question, compensation to be rendered upon restoration of civil authority. All able-bodied men and women ages 18-50 are conscripted to civilian militias under the command of the military to protect vital areas in order to free up all military personnel to the front. All citizen militias and police forces are now under military command.

**LEVEL FIVE: **Conflict! Military is in full command. Martial law is in effect. All bases are sealed from civilians and all unauthorized personnel are to be shot on sight! Civil liberties are suspended and any acts against the military in its duty to maintain order will be answered to with deadly force. All known subversives and foreign nationals hostile to the United States are to placed in high security areas and executed at the first sign of disobedience. All friendly and neutral nationals, as well as any remaining civilians (including children, the elderly, and the injured) are to be place in secure underground areas and made as comfortable as possible for the duration. All travel to and from area is for military use ONLY! All essential personnel are to answer to military high command until further notice. All civilians bearing arms not under military command will be assumed as hostile and fired upon. All essential matériel and strategic areas to be protected at all costs. Restoration of civil authority will not be allowed until crisis is resolved and a full assessment of damage and casualties is made.

_Any variations of the Code are permitted only by the head of your state's Military Command Commission. No unauthorized personnel are permitted to make changes without written permission. If you have any questions concerning the Code, ask your nearest Military Command Citizen Advisor. Written questions will be answered within twenty-four hours. All spoken questions will be answered within twelve hours or less. If your spoken question cannot be answered within that time frame, a written answer will be express mailed to your location at the earliest possible convenience. Always obey your Military Command in times of crisis and together we can restore America to its former glory._

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Your Military Command Citizen Advisory Board

_Any reprinting and distribution of this notice is permitted under the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010 for the safety and well-being of the public.___

**************************************

**MEDICINE**

**_LOCAL DOCTOR LAUGHED OFF STAGE AT AMA_**

**_By Daf9_**

Streets of Seattle learned today that our own local doctor Sam Carr suffered the almost unheard-of humiliation of having his keynote presentation at the AMA meeting in Chicago interrupted by hysterical laughter. Dr. Carr of Seattle's Metro Medical Hospital, was in the midst of his presentation titled "Reappearance of pluripotents (embryonic stem cells) in an adult male leading to a cure of trauma-induced paralysis" when the audience burst into laughter. 

Citing the impossibility of such an occurrence as the reason for their response 439 doctors rose en masse from their seats in the lecture hall and retired to the hotel bar. Dr. Carr ran after them trying to make them look at the documentation supporting his claim but he was universally ignored. Dr. Carr's only comment to this reporter was to shake his head sadly and shrug. 

"Bip, bip, bip" chuckled Dr. Kevin Winters, president of the AMA while downing his fifth scotch and soda. This reporter later learned that "bip, bip, bip" was a direct quote from pre-pulse actor and current ambassador to India, Mr. J.C. Mackenzie. The relevance of the quote to the situation was not at all clear. 

**************************************

**EDITORIAL**

**_LIFE IN THE SLUMS_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

In a follow up to this reporters article on the contrast between the rich and the poor, we now to focus on the people who struggle on in the worst of conditions.

For an insiders view we talked to Mr. Phil, one of the interviewees.He agreed to let us follow him around for a day, to record what it is like to have to depend on a corrupt government for food and shelter.Mr. Phil insisted that we only record his activities during the day, why not the nights as well he did not tell us.

5:10am Early wakeup in a cold, rundown building with one drafty window.Mr. Phil proceeds to hide away all his blankets and clothes, for the simple reason of theft he tells us: "Yeah, loads of people around here would like to take my stuff.They'd creep in during the night sometimes and just take the blanket from off me."

5:30am Mr. Phil shows us briefly around his neighborhood, the various huddled shacks and buildings with groups of children playing in the streets.He seems to be quite popular with the families around here.At this point he takes us over to where a long queue is forming, and he tells us that this is where he gets his breakfast everyday.We prepare for a long wait.

6:50am After an hour and fifty minutes waiting, Mr. Phil receives his small portion of rations.He seems to be quite happy at this, and slowly eats the sloppy mixture of porridge and milk.In between mouthfuls he informs us of what the standard morning menu is like:

"Well, its porridge every morning sometimes with sugar if we're lucky, and umm, once I had French toast, it was a bit moldy but I really liked it."

7:05 Mr. Phil now takes this time to look around the ports for anything he can salvage.He finds a broken switchboard from a computer in one trash site, and a few yards of wire in another.At this point we observe that he protectively hides all he finds in his coat, and after a few minutes, he tells us to return in three hours to his 'house'.

A strange turn of his personality, but his behavior mimics a beast that has found a few scraps of meat in the wilderness.Like any hunger thing, he does not want any other animal to take his finding away.

10:00am We enter to find Mr. Phil asleep on the floor with a few electronic gadgets next to him.As we approach he wakes up and apologizes.He draws us away from his collection of circuit boards and out into Seattle's streets.He shows us where he usually 'hangs out', which is not too far from our newspapers offices.He informs us that if he can, he looks around for an up-to-date newspaper, for he is a big fan.

"I really like those limericks, and, that thing, about how to survive post-pulse, you know, those tips.Mr. Ninja's articles are really good too.And, did you know, that after reading the paper, it makes really good toilet paper."

11:20am Mr. Phil spends a little time alone in his home fiddling with a few computer components, and quickly puts them away as a few men come to the door, demanding blankets.Mr. Phil displays much courage as he refuses to share his collection of rugs and other items to the thugs.At this point we back off, as one of the men approaches Mr. Phil with a spanner.In a marvelous display of strength, he kicks the attacker in the leg, and they run off.Before we can question further, he tells us that it is time to line up for lunch.

12:00pm As we line up earlier then required, Mr. Phil receives his rations sooner.We again sit and eat, and Mr. Phil tells us of the menu for lunch.

"We get a drink of a watery coffee mixture, and another bowl of porridge with a couple of pieces of fruit.We sometimes get other stuff, but I can't remember right now."

12:30pm For the rest of the afternoon we send the day watching Mr. Phil as he sorts through small mementos, most of them pictures and letters.He folds his clothes carefully and reads through an edition of the 'Streets of Seattle'.After five minutes he excuses himself, informing us that he must relieve himself.He strictly tells us not the search through his 'stuff'.

3:40pm The weather changes rapidly in the early afternoon, causing rain and wind.Mr. Phil pulls a thin material over the window and shuts the rickety door, and sits huddled in the corner.He eats some left over rations from lunch, and tells us more about his daily routine.

"I don't do much on Tuesdays.Yeah, on reflection Tuesdays aren't that good.We get blankets on Wednesdays and Fridays are good too, they have a new trash dump down by the docks.That is the highlight of the day, finding good stuff amongst other things.You know what I found last week?A piece of slightly gnawed and grubby soap.Cool, eh?"

3:55pm Mr. Phil starts to repair his door, an everyday routine he tells us.Using salvaged metals he hammers a new nail into the frame and another panel of metal to reinforce the door.He quickly finishes this task, and hurries out the door as a hover drone passes.We see him examining it with interest as it passes.When we inquired as to why, he refuses to answer and informs us that he must go down to the market.

4:10pm He sets up a stall next to others selling food, knick-knacks and other things uncommon to post-pulse Seattle.Mr. Phil removes a complex piece of electronics, and asks if we would excuse him while he is at the market.

5:00pm Back at Mr. Phil's lodgings, we ask if he was successful in selling his electronic goods.He tells us little about the trades he made, but proudly shows us what he bought.

"I found a good pair of shoes, and this is part of an old transistor radio.I bought it with the money I got from the stuff I sold."

We notice that he places a small roll of what looks like camera film next to the shoes, but we do not inquire further into his activities.We thank Mr. Phil for his time given to us, and conclude the interview.

After this day we discovered what a mundane life people live when modern day conveniences are taken away.Though we have only studied one person amongst many, from Mr. Phil's activities we see that apart from the time we spent rummaging through the trash life is very routine.

We thank Mr. Phil for the time we spent with him, and this reporter believes that we can learn a lot from him, for instance not to take anything for granted.

**_TELEMARKETERS FROM HELL_**

**_An Editorial By Rogelio Riquelme (ghostwritten by Preciousjax)_**

I was sitting at the table last night, eating dinner with my family. My son, Rogelio Jr., was crying his little eyes out because we didn't have much food to eat. So, my wife was comforting him when I received a phone call. It was one of those lovely telemarketers that always seem to call you when you are just sitting down to eat, whether you're eating a nice porterhouse steak or Kraft Easy Mac, as was the case last night.

Now, normally, I just hang up and don't even bother to listen to these crack cases we call workers. I'll tell you why. I bust my little behind working for this newspaper, and you know what, I really deserve a raise so we can stop eating that Kraft Easy Mac. I don't have the time or the energy to be talking to people trying to sell me 'death and dismemberment' insurance in their nice air conditioned office, sitting on their candy a**es, while I bust my a** at this newspaper, As was the case last night. So the female on the phone asks me if I ever worried what might happen to me or my dependents if I were left unable to work do to a disfiguring accident. Doesn't she know where I work? You have to have some sort of disability, whether it be mental or other, to work here. So I should just be like [click] and hang up on this chick, but she begged me not to. 

So this woman, who later identified herself as one 'Original Cindy' (what the hell kind of name is that anyway?), goes off on this tirade, saying that she's got me covered like foundation on a drag queen if I am to lose an arm or a leg. She says to me that Washington Meridian Insurance will 'drop twenty large on whatever is left of my a**.' So now I am really worried. What happens if a meteor is to drop through the building and hit me when I am working my menial job? What are my wife and kid supposed to do when I am stone cold dead? 'Original Cindy' proceeds to say just about the same thing to me. 'No Daddy, No Dolla Dolla.' She tells me to step to her, and she'll help me plan little Rogelio's future. No sooner am I convinced that my life will end and my children will rot in hell while getting poked with sharp pointy sticks if I don't get this 'death and dismemberment' insurance that she hangs up on me. Dude! What the hell! She wastes five minutes of my time, scaring the bloody hell out of me, only to hang up on me. 

This is just another example on how the world has been shot to hell in the post pulse era. It used to be the telemarketers wouldn't leave us alone until we bought Sears Vinyl Siding, Chemical Lawn Treatment & subscriptions to 'Streets of Seattle' for the low price of eight dollars an issue, but now they talk us into buying their product, and HANG UP BEFORE WE CAN BUY IT!!!!! 

_Editor's Note: Rogelio would have finished this article, but he became very enraged at Washington Meridian insurance and walked into their office building and opened fire on there telemarketers. Luckily, he was so distressed, he grabbed the cap gun instead of the real gun. He is awaiting trial, but is expected to be released into a psychiatric care center within the week. _

**************************************

**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editors: 

I have recently been attacked in a series of biting editorials by convicted serial rapist/arsonist/serial killer/lacenist/necropheliac JD Arnold, who is currently serving time in a mental institution. Now, we must remember that anything and everything written by Ms. Arnold is purely fictional. We have to take into fact that this is the woman who thought the United States becoming a nudist country was a right good idea. We must get rid of this woman's infatuation with me, or I feel I will go the way of the late Brittany Mauriss, who got in Ms. Arnold's way at a Dark Angel Autograph signing. 

I remain respectfully yours: 

Karen Murray

_Editor's note: Reliable sources indicate that Ms Arnold and Ms Murray are actually long-term roommates at the insane asylum. Both are a few boxcars short of a caboose if you get my drift. _

Dear Editor, 

What is this younger generation coming to? The other day Jill and I were working down at the Pink Panther beauty salon and sushi bar when this young woman came in for a treatment. Very attractive except for the .... well, not to put too fine a point on it but she had an excess of facial hair. Looked almost like whiskers. Anyway Jill was just warming up the electrolysis equipment when she jokingly said to me "This young lady must have cat DNA". Just a joke mind you; said in good humor. Well, you wouldn't believe it! The young lady leapt from her chair, upsetting the electrolysis cart and almost injuring Jill, and ran from the salon. Right through the window! You'd think she'd never heard of doors? And now the insurance is refusing to pay for the replacement glass. Seems there's been a lot of young people leaping through windows lately so the company will no longer cover it. 

peeved and penniless cosmetician

Dear Editor, 

I'm responding to an article done by your reporter, Weirdarchives. So the Britney Spears that I....that was killed isn't the real Britney? And you say that she's the head of the Nation of Islam or something? Okay, thank you! 

Anonymous

Dear Editor, 

I was one of the most unfortunate people to be conned into DTM's dentistry. And all I have to say is: all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!!! I sorted through the remaining teeth to find my two front teeth, and they were gone!!! Some one out there has my teeth and I want them back. Please help me find them. 

Toothless in Seattle

Dear Editor, 

In response to last weeks article about the teeth, would you please forward this to the gentleman in question. 

Dear DTM, 

It's me, DAF, again 

I've decided to bequeath 

To you, all of my teeth 

When I'm dead - you can't have them 'till then.

Dear Editor, 

Because I am such a marvelous writer, I sent my application into your paper so that you would be graced with my talent. But I recently was told that the head honcho is a slave driver, (literally) and she even has a whip! (I saw the whip myself!!) And I must say that this is very disturbing. I am withdrawing my application. (Because you ppl scare me!) Please contact me when you get a new head honcho so that I may apply again... 

Disturbed Applicant 

Dear Editors 

I have just finished reading your article written by Daf9 entitled 'Missing Cat Burglar Baffle Police'. Who says that this mysterious cat burglar is man? It could be some female that leads an every day life by day, and by night the great cat burglar that we know SHE is. Girls kick a**, it says so on the tee shirt. And as far as the odd things that were stolen, maybe I...that is the cat burglar has a joy for cherry flavored bubble gum, and is going to sell the back issues of magazines on Antique Road Show. And, by the way, who names anything but a horse Missy? No wonder the child was devastated! It wasn't because I...I mean the cat burglar borrowed her magazines, it's because her parents gave her that ridiculous name and it was printed in the newspaper for everyone to read. And as far as greener pastures go, of course I have, I eat pasta tricolore every night, so ha. 

Sincerely, Ma....that is....The Cat Burglar.... I mean....A Reader 

Dear Editors: 

I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done to change my life. Last week, I was read your add on the 'How to Pass As A Canadian' and it was an offer I just couldn't pass up. I learned so much from this course, don't ya know, and now my favorite color is white, which I see when I am 'out and about' in Winnipeg. The first thing I did was go out and by one of those hats with the floppy ears. My life has been so much better now that I am living in Canada, eh, and its all thanks to you. 

Thank You, Cold In Canada 

**************************************

**SPORTS **

**_KIDS AND SPORTS IN POST-PULSE SEATTLE_**

**_Cherokee128_**

Do you remember back to when you were a kid who played sports in a summer league?? You got together with all your best friends, and signed up for a once a week game against a rival team? I sure do. Well now a day, kids have a new sort of league, an all year league. After the riots that burned down all the schools, the kids who were still interested in staying out of trouble, and keeping the peace, at least among the younger generation, set up a secret sports league. Recently one of the founders came to the newspaper, asking if we would do a story on it. 

There are three sports in the Kids Sports League (KSL), football, basketball, and field hockey. There are quite a few changes in the games, due to number, and size restraints. 

**FOOTBALL- **You remember when we watched NFL or college football on TV? Well our new football is a little different. Instead of 11 players on the field per team, due to limited players there are only 7 per team. 100 yards to an end zone? Not anymore, only 75 due to space confinements. No different offense, defense and special teams, only one team made up of about 10 players with some subs. What do this do the quality of the play? Not much, the kids who play in this league take it very seriously. They all play 3 positions or more, which requires a higher skill level. The rules are mostly the same for this game. 

**BASKETBALL-** There were almost no number changes in basketball, but there were MANY rule changes. Before b-ball was almost a non-contact sport. Not anymore! It is what many of us referred to as "Ghetto Ball" back when we played. Physical contact is at it's highest, there are almost no rules, and everybody has a great time! The points are a bit different, what would have been a 2 pointer is now worth a point, and a 3 pointer is worth 2. This is so it is easier to keep score. 

**FIELD HOCKEY-** Considered a mostly girl sport in our time it has now become 2 separate leagues in the KSL, the Boys and the Girls. Player numbers have changed, once again due to lack of numbers needed to create enough teams. It is 7 on 7. There are no stick obstructions, no obstructions, no high sticking, and no high balls but you STILL can't use your feet. Everyone can play every position, so there is LOTS of switching up during the game. This has made it more challenging for all the players, and makes it much faster paced. 

You may wonder where all the equipment came from, well all the kids went around to the storage lockers belonging to the schools, and salvaged most of the equipment, because they were separate from the schools, the fires didn't reach them. Also some kids had their parent's equipment. No items were stolen. 

_The kids of Seattle play ball _

_Though the city is under a pall _

_But that's nothing new _

_What else can kids do? _

_When the adults do nothing at all._

_DAF9_

**************************************

**NEIGHBORHOOD**

**_GOSSIP_**

I was informed over my back yard fence, by a very reliable source, that the black hummers that are invading our streets 24/7 are minions of the editor of our very own Streets of Seattle. This source applied for a job here, but upon... hearing certain things from an unknown reporter, was scared to death and now has taken her application back. Now, I work for the Streets, and I have to say one thing: RUN! while you still can! she is trying to take over the world!!!!!!!! 

And on a lighter note, the crime rate has dropped 1%. According to my great aunt's friend, it is because this mysterious cat burglar has settled down and has found a job and a man to occupy her time... if you know what I mean... _Logans_Babe_

I was told by my cousin's friend, who heard from a messenger girl, who talked to a bum on the street who said that the president was thinking about selling the Space Needle. Now, I don't know about you or not, but I say that is bull. Now, I have a cousin in Washington who says she is the president's.... secretary, and she can subtly get the president to not sell it. Hopefully she can talk him out of it... (or threaten him...hehehe)....but I still think we should start a petition and send it there right away. To sign the petition, please contact SOS. _Logans_Babe_

My great uncle's second wife's third husband's oldest daughter's former husband's second cousin's sister's husband's mother heard from her next door neighbor who got it straight from the guy who drive's the local 46A bus's nephew's employer that they are cloning children out in Wyoming. What are the odds on THAT being true?_ Daf9_

**_EVENTS_**

**_by Sportzgirl16_**

Next Saturday at the local abandoned warehouse there will be a carnival put on for the kids. This event will last from sunup to sundown. The person I talked to (who wouldn't give me his name) said, "There will be activities from sports events to silly clowns running around juggling." 

This sounds like a carnival that I went to once when I was a child before the pulse. They will be stations set up where you can buy food and toys for your kids. The event is free, with the suggestion of a $15.00 donation. This donation will go to the rebuilding of certain areas in the Seattle area. 

_For a small donation _

_You can have the elation _

_Of Cotton candy and sno cones _

_Firing air rifles at a hoverdrone _

_All provided by the Cale foundation_

**************************************

**FEATURES**

_Editor's Note: Our Poetry Edition was a bigger hit than we thought, and we've been flooded with submissions from our readers. While most were…not good….some were worthy of a few column inches.Therefore, we've added a Poetry section to the Features department of the paper.Further submissions are welcome (we can always use them as scrap paper).****_

**_SUNLIGHT FROM SHADOWS_**

**_By Cherokee128_**

I walked through the dark like a shadow, never to be seen. 

You could sense when I was near you, but you wouldn't find me. 

My life was a haze of memories all drifting, trying to break free. 

I held them down deep within myself, the only way to stay sane. 

Than one day the sun came out and for the first time I saw the light. 

The light consumed me, took me over, and I relented. 

I had never felt anything like this before. 

Even now I can still remember the day the sun burst through the clouds, and swept me up to the sky. 

Now, I am going to see my sun, my light, the only one who brightens my day. 

How can it be that all this is in one man? 

**_ODDITIES_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

Times are hard on us city folk. Jobs are scarce (except at SOS, we have lots of jobs, we pay good!! apply, it doesn't matter what is in the gossip column about jennem, the big head honcho!!) money is limited. It is no wonder we resort to petty means to amuse ourselves. 

I just happened to be walking down the street everyone terms "condo street" (due to all the card board condos). Anyway, I stumbled into a "community" bonfire: the perpetual warming of the hands and occasional butt. And I discovered an odd event in action. Two people were throwing different objects into the fire, then exclaiming about the pretty colors that the object made. I, of course, had to join in. (What kinda of reporter would I be if I didn't at least try the events before I termed them odd?) It was, for such an odd event, very entertaining. We, that is they, discovered many colors and are trying to find more. 

I walked even farther down the street and came across a wrestling match. A toe wrestling match. Very interesting to watch. Not much fun for women to partake in though. It consists of two people greasing their feet with what the local condo owners call shimmy grease. Then they lay on their backs, with someone holding onto their arms, and intermingle their toes. Then they try to push the other participant's toes backward until they say mommy. As I said before, it is great for men, but not so much fun for women. 

If you find some interesting or odd things about our city, please contact SOS. And remember we have plenty of job openings!! 

_Why would anyone play with their toes? _

_I doubt even Logans_Babe knows _

_And this shimmy grease.. _

_I ask you please _

_Do you really want to know how this goes?_

_DAF9_

**************************************

**ADVICE**

Dear He Said/She Said,

I am a 31 yr old accountant for an old family trust. Recently my fiancée of 4 years and I discovered that we had the same biological mother. The wedding invitations have already been sent out and the bridesmaids' dresses are on order. What should we do? 

In vitro baby

Dear In Vitro Baby

Move to a small town in the country where everyone already has the same last name. The both of you will be a breath of fresh air in a new community.:)

Dear He Said/She Said,

Last week while rummaging in an old junk yard my husband found an abandoned pre-Pulse Aztek that had already been modified with hand controls. As our son is in a wheelchair due to a degenerative muscular condition my husband feels that restoring this car would make a perfect birthday gift for him. Unfortunately in addition to having had its tires removed and its windows shattered the car appears to have been set on fire and possibly subjected to an explosive device. How do we start to repair it? Or should we just remove the hand controls and reinstall them in another vehicle? 

Fond Mother 

Dear Fond Mother: 

Ray: Tom and I laughed ourselves silly over your letter. The pre-Pulse Aztek was a pile of excrement. And blowing it up probably improved its aesthetic qualities immeasurably. Your son would get more driving pleasure from a child's pedal car. Take the hand controls and install them in something else; anything else. 

Tom: For once, I agree with my brother. That was one butt-ugly car. Giving your son an Aztec would make him think you hate him and drive him into therapy for years. 

Dear Dr. Laura 

DAF9 may be going insane 

From the rhymes leaching out of her brain 

Dr. Laura won't you please help 

You impudent whelp 

What do you mean? Just Abstain! 

Dear W555, 

I'd answer you in rhyme (I can, you know, I'm brilliant), but I sense that would be feeding into your obsession. 

There is nothing wrong with a little amusing poetry in your day. The problem comes when rhyming takes over, interferes with the functioning of your daily life. When you realize you are hurting your friends and family, as well as yourself, the laughter quickly dies. 

My recommendation for you would be to replace your obsession with rhyming with something more constructive and healthy. For example, every time you feel the urge to rhyme, you could eat an apple, or read a book, . Or perhaps you could call a friend. 

Unless all of your friends have already abandoned you due to an excess of verse. In that case, I recommend a lobotomy. 

Dear He Said/She Said, 

In a moment of weakness, I promised my son anything he wanted for his birthday. And what he wants is a visit to Chuck E. Cheese. As I'm sure you're aware, the last Chuck E. Cheese in Seattle was looted and taken over by squatters back in '14. So now he's calling me a bad mother, because I can't afford to fly him to the Chuck E. Cheese in the Republic of Alaska. 

At this point, I'm considering handing him a large rat and a frozen pizza and calling it a day. Any advice? 

Sincerely, 

Bad Mommy 

Dear Bad Mommy, 

The little brat has to learn sometime that the world sucks. Forget the rat, make him go hunt his own. Birthdays were only a happy time when we had money/time/rations to spare, but now that we are in this cold hard world of daily a** kickings, birthdays are only a time to remember that we are one year closer to being taken off this cold hard earth. Now maybe some of you people out there think that along would be a reason to celebrate, myself included, but don't get the little boys hopes up. Smack him a good one and then send him over to mow my grass. I think there are people hiding in it. Tell him to watch out for the 37 some Siamese cats I have running around. They all answer to "Giorgio." And if you think your a bad mommy just because you cant take your son to a looted, infested, people filled squatter headquarters, rest assured, of course your a bad mommy. 

_Editor's note: The response to this letter was written by a young woman who is currently in therapy because her mother said she couldn't have birthday party. She is cynical, and should be drug out to the street and shot. We are currently taking up a collection to take care of that]_****

**************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

Abandoned car, blue Aztek. Hand controls. Minor damage do to gunfire. Broken windows and a bit dirty. Front in damaged but engine still starts and runs fairly smooth. A few touch-ups here and there and the car is as good as new. 

Wanted. Room for rent. Must be dark and good for sleeping. Must include cookies and mattress. Everything else is unnecessary and frivolous. Will do odd jobs in exchange for room and board. The odder the job the better I like it.

Help Wanted: Laundry room attendant. Duties include cleaning, maintenance, soap refills, and guarding machines against illicit use. Must carry own weapon.

FOUND Sixteen cases of threads, many colors, many textures. If that suit of yours is about to fall into rags, a nice spool or five will bring new life to it. Bartering for food and ammo at the South Market. First come, first serve. Special consideration to Balkan War veterans, widows, and orphans of the Clemson Street Wars. None of that Blueback BS! Government script only good for toilets. Meet up with Momma Hopkins for details at 9th Street Corner. 

WANTED: player for a men's wheelchair basketball team. One of our players disappeared suddenly. And Logan (sorry we don't know your last name), if you're reading this man, me and the guys hope you're okay.

Wanted: One wife, No experience necessary, will train.Must meet the following: MUST BE 16 to 25 yrs old, A Great Cook and house keeper, Have a strong back and willing to work long hours in and around the house, Serving your husband, his cats and his friends at any time, day or night. Must be in good health, average weight and height. Must have most of your teeth and a pretty smile!PLEASE NOTE,NO dopers, drunks, X-biker chicks, Kids, amputees, Hippie girls, liberals or attitudes!You must be willing to give up ALL YOUR friends and devote your life 100% to your new husband and have his name and face tattooed on your behindIf you are the lucky winner you will receive A $20.00 a week allowance, a nice house to live in, food, clothing, shoes, health and dental care. Also a new vacuum cleaner, washer, dryer, lawn mower, brooms, cleaners, firearms and all the pots and pans you will need to take care of your new KING!!!So ladies if you meet these few requirements and this seems like the life you have dreamed of please bring a resume and some swim suit photos of yourself, and meet me in front of Jenn's Liquor & Bikes between 7:00 and 9:00pmI'm also looking for a auto.trans for a Mustang. Your new King!!!, Don

_Dear Door Mat Don _

_This is DAF again, from Ceylon _

_Did I happen to mention _

_That besides the transmission _

_I have a heart that's waiting to be won?_

_One lord and master _

_To help me age faster _

_I'll cook and I'll clean _

_Mend socks in between _

_I'll even supply my own pastor._


	7. Seventh Edition: Kidz

What is an X-5

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._****

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Managing Editor: Samcrazy**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Entertainment Editor: Jox5**

**Opinion Editor: Shnapzie**

**Contributing Reporter: Ninja650**

**Contributing Reporter: 727Angel**

**Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby**

**Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128**

**Contributing Reporter: Ewachsmuth**

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: Preciousjax**

**********************************************

**LOCAL NEWS__**

**_ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FAILED_**

**_By Ninja650_**

About a month ago, here in Seattle, there was a controversy over the supposed death of former pop star Britney Spears.It turns out that, according to a letter our paper received from the secretary to the Office of the Exalted Reverend, Nathan Onyx, the woman killed was not, in fact, Ms. Spears, who is presently in the Republic of Alaska heading the Nation of Islam Reformed and preaching the word of Allah by the name of Samantha Adjia.Apparently, the poor woman that was killed was only an impersonator who longed to live the life that the young Britney once lived. It's a shame that her dream of being such an image would be the end of her. The real name of this woman is still unknown.

The killer of this woman was also unknown. Seattle police spent the better parts of the month trying to track down the killer until they found out that it was not Ms. Spears that was killed.But the story was brought back to life when the Seattle Police Department got a call from William Hodges, the Governor of the Republic of Alaska, saying that he might have the killer.The man Hodges spoke of was captured when trying to assassinate Samantha Adjia while she was giving a public speech about the wonders of Allah.The man stood in the crowd and idiotically begin to attach the silencer to his gun in plain sight.Before he was able to take good aim, he was rushed by the Exalted Reverend's security.

It was agreed that the man would stay in the Republic of Alaska and receive his punishment, since it was not certain that he had committed the murder here in Seattle.The Governor would take care of his sentence and the situation.We don't know at this time what that sentence is or what it will be, but we do know that he is being held in a cell at this moment and refuses to give his name. It was also said that The Nation of Islam Reformed is being more careful with when and where they let the Exalted Reverend give her speeches.**__**

**_WHAT IS AN X5? QUESTIONS CONCERNING THE EYES ONLY BROADCAST_**

**_By: 727angel_**

Everybody knows the do-gooder Eyes Only. We have all seen him on TV, usually broadcasting about some evil guy doing something wrong. But the latest broadcast was about some mysterious things/people called X-5's. 

Everyone is guessing what it/they are. Some say it is probably a machine because it has barcode. Others speculate they are some kind of gang that have barcode tattoos. We doubt the machine theory because how could a machine see the television and hear what Eyes Only was saying? And we have a strong feeling it is not gang members, because why would Eyes Only (who is all about doing good stuff for the world) want to notify people in a gang?

We have no idea what it/they are, and are trying to figure it out but have found it impossible. The one thing we do know is Eyes Only has some connection with it/them, and he is for some reason sticking up for them.

_What is an X-5 _

_Is it inanimate or alive? _

_Does it breathe? Does it eat? _

_Is it wild or discrete? _

_Equipped with an internal or external drive?_

_DAF9_****

**********************************************

**MEDICINE**

**_WHAT'S THE GOING RATE FOR A KIDNEY?_**

**_By Daf9_**

Well, it had to happen eventually. With the demand for organ transplants at an all-time high and donations remaining stagnant for the past 30 years, desperate patients have had to come up with creative ideas to obtain the organ they need. After the unfortunate real life reenactment of that old urban myth several years ago, in which an unsuspecting Seattle tourist awoke after a wild party to discover his kidney had been removed, residents of this city have become more reluctant than ever to carry a signed organ donor card.

For a time the homeless of Seattle were being coerced into donating organs in exchange for food and shelter but thegenerally poor health of these people made their organs less than ideal for transplant. So how to persuade the relatively well-to-do to part with a body part? There was some interest in exchanging promises of organ donation for health or medical insurance but unfortunately the majority of employees interested in the health insurance program had chronic illnesses orlifestyles that made them unsuitable as donors of the most highly sought-after organs. And as far as life insurance goes, life is too short to worry about what's gonna happen after you're gone. 

The solution: several of the city's larger employers have been offering improved office conditions as an incentive for organ donation. The going rate seems to be agreement to a post mortem kidney, liver or heart donation in exchange for a mahogany desk and genuine leather chair.As a living organ donor of a kidney or liver lobe you will win a corner office with its own wet bar (stocked only with fruit juices of course to keep that kidney or liver in good shape). Unfortunately for those of us here at Streets of Seattle, our body parts were pickled from too much alcohol consumption years ago. All we're good for is cornea donations ... and all they're worth is a pencil sharpener or a waste paper basket.****

_Office organ donations_

_Are creating quite a sensation_

_When your boss wants your head_

_Make him double-check that you're dead_

_Before issuing funeral invitations _

_DAF9_

**_SALMONELLA OUTBREAK IN SEATTLE_**

**_By Daf9_**

Doctors at Metro Medical announced today that cases of Salmonella poisoning in Seattle have risen dramatically in the past week. Following an intensive investigation by the Centers for Disease Control, it was discovered that the outbreak could be traced to a batch of chicken delivered last week to the farmers' market. 

The investigation was initially hampered by the difficulty in obtaining an infected chicken. Since inexpensive chickens, or any chickens at all, have been so rare lately, this particular batch sold out very quickly and the purchasers whom the CDC managed to contact were reluctant to part with their chickens for testing. In addition it appeared that at least half a dozen chicken had "disappeared", likely the victims of theft. 

The very old and the very young along with persons with compromised immune systems are particularly susceptible to Salmonella. Symptoms of Salmonella poisoning include abdominal cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, and nausea. If you or any one in your family develops these symptoms and has consumed a chicken obtained from the farmers' market, please contact your family physician immediately. And once again remember, NO raw eggs or chicken, EVER.

Also remember TANSTAAFL (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch).****

**********************************************

**BUSINESS**

**_IS PASSING AS A CANADIAN TOO TOUGH FOR MERE AMERICANS?_**

**_By Daf9_**

As reported two weeks ago in Streets of Seattle, the University of Washington Free School has been offering a course in howto pass as a Canadian. Upon graduation, successful candidates are presented with an almost-legal Canadian passport and a bus ticket to Saskatoon. Why not Vancouver you ask, since it's so close? Turns out the weather in Saskatoon is so nasty that neither Canadian nor US Federal agents will go there to look for illegal immigrants.

Anyway, your intrepid reporter DAF9 decided to sit in on this week's class. Arriving at class I almost left immediately upon seeing the topic of tonight's lesson on the chalk board "How to eat a tiny Tim". OMG, nobody warned me Canadians were cannibals Nobody I talked to could tell me who this Tim Horton was; but everyone assured me that he was a famous Canadian and that he had scored more "goals" than Dunkin of Dunkin Donuts.

The second hour of the class was devoted to how to order tea and what to expect. Turns out most Canadians don't believe in iced tea. Well, I suppose when you live where its winter 50 weeks of the year that makes sense. Tea means hot tea. And none of this herbal, spicy, decaffeinated stuff either. Its all something called "Red Rose" or "Liptons". When you order it, you spend minutes looking for the tea bag. Surprise! they put it in the POT with the water, rather than leaving it on your saucer for you to do the honors. What a concept! And nobody drinks tea black - its either with sugar or with milk and sugar. I can see this passing for a Canadian is going to be a lot tougher than I thought.

Next week we learn to look at scrambled eggs covered in ketchup without horking. Our homework this week is to memorize the colors of all the Canadian bills from $5 to $500. Why couldn't they have used Monopoly colors, that's what THIS reporter wants to know.**__**

**_An interview with Mr. AJ Knight, CEO of Miklo Tire Co., the number one supplier of bicycle tires in Seattle._**

**_by Shnapzie_**

"First of all, I would like to say that these rumors of our tires spontaneously combusting are completely unfounded.

"We use the highest quality synthetic rubber for our tires, produced in the highest quality sweatshops in Turkmenistan.

"This is all nothing but a ridiculous claim by our competitors designed to hurt our business. To prove this, I'll ride this bike right here, a bike with our tires. See? Absolutely no hint of spontaneous comb-- ::Whoosh *crackle* *pop*::

_Ed note: We regret to inform the readers of the unfortunate passing away of Mr. Knight from complications involving burns_****

**********************************************

**EDITORIAL**

**_ON THE NIGHT WATCH_**

**_by Samcrazy_**

Nights in Seattle ain't a picnic, we all know that.

Would it be your choice to stay out all night, patrolling buildings that are usually targets for hit gangs?No?Well then consider the men and women who have to hang out there all night.

But this reporter isn't here to tell their story.Instead, she's here to talk about the hit gangs.

A few nights ago a man, who wishes to withhold his name for obvious reasons, saw one of these said 'hit gangs' make a raid and run on his patrol building.He describes his sighting to the 'Streets' today.

"Well, I heard this noise, like a motorbike revving up, and as I looked around this girl, yeah, jumped the fence by using the back of a truck.She looked really, you know, cute on the motorbike, yeah, really good looks and wow, killer lips.She sailed right above my head, and roared away.When I went to investigate, I couldn't find anything taken.It was really weird.And she was alone.No-one else appeared in my watch after that.And I didn't just dream her up, okay?Yes sometimes I get real lonely, and err, no, it's not because I don't have a girlfriend...look, I wasn't having a dream!Okay, this interview is over"

This reporter would like to point out that she did not say anything about it being a possible hallucination.Now she is not so sure.

But this reporter isn't here to debate that man's mental health (though she would like to).She is here to highlight the problem of the lack of safety and security for Seattle's industry these days.Cops are spread thin and are underpaid.More and more groups of people with nothing to do are getting together to raid and ransack defenseless factories and buildings.What are we to do?

Again, this reporter traces the problem back to the government.Little to no expenditure in the public sector causes problems like this to grow and grow, like a cancer on Seattle.

Although, this incident is much different from the others recorded across our city.One man, or should I say woman, who took nothing (according to the guard we interviewed) and how she got into the building and didn't trip up any alarms baffles us and the state police department.

All we can say is that we hope this teaches a valuable lesson to the people involved.To step up watches, and not to employ a woman-less guy who dreams up girls on motorcycles.Whoops, did I say that?

_In the gloom of the post-Pulse depression _

_Economists make this concession _

_Though the cities may burn _

_There's no cause for concern _

_At least its not a Reagan recession. _

**_PLAGIARISM IN A POST PULSE WORLD_**

**_By Darkangelbby_**

So many of us take for granted the time and money spent on creating things, ideas, and objects. People take for granted the time some people spend to make an idea. For instance, in the music business, singers do what is called "covers" of some one else's song. But it's fine. It doesn't bother them. As long as they get their money, it all good. 

Well, others don't think that that is correct. That people should get his or her own Ideas. I am a supporter of that Idea. If YOU made a story, and someone else took your idea or your person and published that in a different book with out your permission, how would you feel? Would you be mad? I think you would. They would especially if they made money off of it. What we have to ask ourselves is. is it morally right? Is it right to take someone else's idea and make money off of it? I say no, but that is just my opinion. 

People these days are desperate for money. They will do anything and everything to get it. Why do you think we have prostitutes and drug dealers? They are looking for a quick fix of cash. Though they ultimately feel worse about themselves. How would you feel if you sang someone else's song and made more money than they did with it? Some of us would say, "Cool! More moolah for me!" Others would say, " What about the original singer?" Sad to say, those sort of people are on the endangered species list. 

What I am saying is I URGE you to make money the decent honest way. Plagiarism is sad and awful. You have to put a copy right on EVERYTHING just so people won't steal it. It is very sad. Please people; come up with YOUR OWN ideas. Those ones are better anyways. 

_Whose ideas, whose words_

_Creativity's for the birds_

_If I say what someone else said_

_As long as they're dead_

_I very much doubt that they heard._

_DAF9_****

**********************************************

**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editor

Re: Know your alert levels by WEIRDARCHIVES

When the citizens of Seattle start to revel

The city becomes quite disheveled

But does it REALLY require

Military attire?

Perhaps these alerts are on the level.

Dear Editors, 

I have noticed over the last several issues of your upstanding (and highly flammable, thank you) publication, that there have been several classified ads for the pre Pulse car known as the "Aztek". I understand why. I know if I had one of those terrible cars, I'd be anxious to get rid of it myself. The car is tragedy! Can it even be called a car? We should refer to it as a space ship hearse minivan hybrids, because it is unfit to be among regular cars, such as the newly popularized vintage Chevy Pintos. I would say we call together a public burning of all Azteks, much like the burnings of the books back in the American Revolution, to rid our society of these....things before my children develop a complex from seeing them driving down the street, but I am not going to call together a public burning because then the sector police will be all over me AGAIN and I don't feel like being shot at this week. This is the reason I don't want to be on Survivor XXXIIX! I don't want to take the chance of winning and having to deal with one of those travesties of a car! People of Seattle, I warn you. If you see and Aztek coming your way...run. Just run as fast as you can. 

Sincerely, 

A Very Wise Man ****

**********************************************

**ENTERTAINMENT**

**_CONTROVERSY ROCKS CAMP CLASSIC REMAKE, ACTRESSES ADMIT TO GENETUCKING VIOLATION_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

Two actresses of the late 90s who fueled many a lesbian fantasy fetish in the young minds of male teens shocked the Hollywood Expatriate Community and the world at large in a London news conference today...where they stepped out looking just as young as they were some forty years after the debut of their breakout cult classic movie, WILD THINGS. The dirty little secret of the moment...Genetucking, one of the more tolerated slang terms for the cosmetic use of genetic reconstructive therapy, a crime in some countries but as yet an unprosecutable one....until now, if the European Court of Justice has its way.

The furor began minutes after Sly Benson Ray, the leading movie remake specialist of Europe and the Far East, announced his plans to remake the cult classic of 1998, a murder whodunit which featured among other titillating thrills a threesome love scene with Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, and Matt Dillon. Ray promised that the remake would have more graphic love scenes with the two femme fatales Suzie Toller and Kelly Van Ryan, the roles Campbell and Richards played respectively, to the point of exposing 'the Money Shots' as he tactlessly described his extreme close-ups of female genitalia. He then added that the two actresses would play prominent roles in the remake and suggested a shock or two. He didn't gamble on how shocked the press corps would be when the actresses, whose ages officially were 46 and 47, stepped out to introduce their parts...as the very same characters they'd played in the 90s version and at the very same ages of 25 and 26. Onlookers were stunned by how the actresses seemed to have restored their youthful appearances...and then expressed outrage when Campbell disclosed that she and Richards visited the controversial Eros Clinic in Istanbul, capital of the Turkish Neutral State one of the remaining self-governing nations in the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory which was established after the end of Israel's M.A.D. initiative Operation Jericho's Wraith. Cries of 'Genetuck!' and 'Regenerate Freaks!' forced a rushed closure of the conference as the three celebrities were hurried out to a waiting car.

Later in a private interview with the London Times, Campbell and Richards admitted they were clients of the Clinic for some time in an attempt to revive their careers and stem off the ravages of aging. Though each woman was fairly fit and still beautiful in their last roles before their Genetuck (Campbell played the elderly Annie Oakley in BUFFALO BILL'S LAST SHOW and Richards finished a successful five year run in the East End revival of NO SEX PLEASE. WE'RE BRITISH.), they've admitted to feeling the pains of middle age and the lack of solid sensual roles for 'the mature woman' as coined by Richards. For 18 months, Campbell and Richards underwent a series of injections and therapies that in theory reverses the aging process and restores the body's regenerative abilities to maintain a youthful healthy physique. Richards defended the decision, saying "It's our bodies we're enhancing. Neve and I had a long talk with Sly over this. The risks of the reconstruct screwing up were big, but we've managed to keep our hot looks from going gooey." She added with a laugh and a wink, "I can't wait to finally do that pool scene fight with Neve and flesh out a few sixty year olds' fantasies." Neve first approached Ray into giving her a role in the remake and realized his choices to play the high school femmes didn't fit the original mold. "Besides," she later confessed. "After I did some nude scenes in my later years, I got comfortable with my body and wanted to redo WILD THINGS as it was intended. I now will show everyone what my bod looked like when I was a tender impressionable youth." Sly vows that the remake will settle once and for all who plays the better lesbian...assuming the European Union's Crime and Punishment Bureau doesn't arrest them for violating the Ho Chi Minh Accords dealing with the abuses of genetic reconstructive surgery.

The Accords, written in 2007 and amended by the Inchon Conference For Genetic Therapy in 2016 to allow leniency in certain cases (often called the Tanaka Amendments after the late genetics specialist who proved the benefits of some genetic reconstructive therapies.), clearly prohibits any use of genetic therapy for cosmetic use, such as youth restoration. Any country or organization that exploits such operations are subject to criminal and civil prosecution by Interpol and the World Health Organization, Genetics Safety Enforcement Division. "The Accords were set up clearly for problems like this." Hans Buren, Director of the G.S.E. said after learning of the 'enhancements'. "You just can't fool around with the human genetic code with stunts like restoring youth. You're playing God in that sense and it can only lead to disaster." While many nations and political blocs have either ratified the Accords or in some cases imposed even stricter regulations against Genetucking, enforcement has been lax to dicey. "For one thing," a member of the G.S.E. Investigations Unit said off the record. "All legal genetic reconstruction has a youth restoration effect. It happens because the body has to be adjust for the therapy to work. Otherwise, the patient goes into shock and just shuts down. The effect, called the Lazarus Syndrome, lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of years. Patients can maintain the Syndrome if they follow the doctors and gene therapists suggestions to exercise regularly and eat healthy. Luckily, most never take the advice serious and they return to their normal genetic age eventually. Course, there are those who do take it seriously and then we get calls from people squealing about Genetucks. It can be annoying. Also, there's not an accurate way to tell the exact age of a genetic strain. Yeah, each patient has to submit their exact DNA pattern to formulate the proper therapy, but the human body makes new codes all the time and finding that one strain that doesn't fit is like finding a needle in a haystack on a planet orbiting a star in the middle of the galactic cluster. We don't have the manpower for that. And then, we have jokers like those guys at the Eros Clinic. Never mind that the Turkish State barely obeys the old Accords of the 80s where genetic engineering started to hit high gear or even the 1969 treaty prohibiting biological weapons. The Clinic is near several Ground Zeros of a nuclear and bioweapon nature. If a stray particle of radiation or anthrax or even Smallpox Estonia, that nasty bug that got smuggled out Russia during its chaotic days, gets into one of those labs where they're doing Regenstruct...let's just say we should pray the chick just gets a bad rash and turns back into a crow. We're talking about a possible Typhoid Mary that would make the Black Plague look cute. Hell, even now, we don't what's going with these genetic therapy clinics. It's an accident waiting to happen." At present, only genetic therapies that reconstruct damaged or diseased body parts of a critical nature, such as those involving the cardiovascular or neuromotor systems, are permitted for adults and children ages 5 to 16. Children under 5 and in-vitro therapies are only allowed in a life threatening or mental retardation case basis, to be closely monitored by the G.S.E. to ensure no unnecessary enhancements (such as brain augmentation).

Many Hollywood Expatriates have voiced outrage and disgust over Campbell's and Richards' openness to Genetucking. Speaking from her Athens mansion, Yasmine Bleeth, who did a comedic lesbian scene with Richards in DONE WITH WIRES in 2005, expressed her shock. "I can't believe she would do such thing. It's stupid to mess with God's creation. I've been blessed with beauty and brains and I work hard to maintain myself with exercise and a strict regimen, but Denise and Neve are sending the wrong messages to today's youth. You can't make beauty in a bottle. It only cheapens the image. I embrace my old age with dignity and grace and I thank God for a caring husband and children who accept me with my wrinkles and graying hair. Anyone who thinks they can beat the genetic clock is setting themselves up for a fall." Sarah Michelle Gellar, who retired from acting to head the powerful Talent And Genius Agency of Europe, immediately severed all production ties with Campbell and vows never to allow any of her clients to work with her and Richards. Kristen Dunst made a similar move with her now ex-client Richards. Matthew Broderick, Head of North American Productions for the BBC, issued a statement voicing his own concerns over the Genetucking incident and is presently consulting with Standards and Practices and the Royal Health Department on a proper course action to deal with the two actresses. SAG Europe Vice President Jessica Alba has suggested an emergency meeting of the Executive Board to impose an immediate work stoppage on the WILD THINGS remake and has even hinted possibly expelling Campbell and Richards from the Guild for unbecoming conduct. "We won't tolerate this kind of bulls**t." ,she said to reporters at the Guild's Paris Headquarters. "It's one thing to do a tummy tuck or a nose job, but mixing up the genetics to get a part is definitely against common sense and human decency. The only work those two are gonna get is in the bestiality porn industry...and I give you three guesses who'll be the beasts."

More repercussions are sure to follow, including suggestions by the G.S.E. to the UN to expand its Trusteeship rule into the Turkish Neutral State to prevent such an incident from ever happening again. Officials of the T.N.S. and of the Eros Clinic have either declined or made comment at press time.

_Genetic rejuvenation _

_Fills my heart with elation _

_Spend an October day _

_And wake up in May _

_Where do I send my application?_

_DAF9_

**_RETURN OF COPS A MAJOR HIT_**

**_By Jox5_**

Remember back before the pulse when the world still worked? There was a hit T.V show called cops that showed real (yeah right) police videos.

Well yesterday they returned and over 18,000,000 people were watching. Which is strange considering that there are only 15,000,000 televisions in the U.S.

Officer Andy, the Seattle police chief, said that he couldn't be more thrilled at how well Cops is doing."It really helps the local police gain a image of working for the people, not against them"

When asked if the money was being used for better crime fighting equipment like training dogs to find lost children, Officer Andy had no comment. At that moment, though, three police cars arrived filled with pizza and donuts. Coincidence? I think not.

Be sure to catch Cops 2: Hoverdrones version this fall on Fox

**_MOVIES_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

_On Cineplex, Canada:_

**THE LANGUAGE OF POETS**_, 2005, starring Jessica Alba, Amber Benson, David Boreanaz, Eddie Cahill, and Alyson Hannigan. Written and directed by Michael Weatherly, with songs by Weatherly and Bono. Rated R. _To many, this film is a valentine to one of the strongest marriages in the Hollywood scene today. Alba and Weatherly have literally dealt with turmoil, riot, miscarriage, and near death...but still managed to love each other with a passion that is rivaled only by such legendary marriages as Paul Newman and Joanne Woodard. The movie here is a testament to that love. Jessica plays Natalie, an aspiring poet and singer who shares a long friendship with her college roommate Trisha (Benson) and her high school crush and Trisha's brother Frank (Boreanaz). Frank is mourning the loss of his wife Barbara (Hannigan) due to cancer and is trying to rebuild his life, with the sometimes hindering help of his buddy Chuck (Cahill). There's a supernatural element involved when Barbara haunts Natalie into taking Frank as a lover and help him heal the wounds he felt as he tries to take care of their only adopted child Baxter (played by Bill Simmons, who went on to greater glory in the third BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER spin-off, DAWN THE SECOND CHILD.), often with comedic yet touching results. Granted, it took some guts for Weatherly to direct the nude love scenes with his wife and Boreanaz, with an equally naked Hannigan looking on in the background, but the highly erotic scenes are quite stunning and beautiful. Weatherly also helped writing the songs and poems Natalie sings at the coffee shop with soulful grace. Alba does her own singing, practicing for three months prior to filming to get it right. Benson also practiced for three months on piano to make Trisha's accompanist playing with Natalie equally believable. It's standard romantic fluff fare, but it does work on so many levels and lovers everywhere should enjoy the comedy and tenderness of the picture. Alba received her third Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress in a Comedic or Musical Movie. _Contains strong language, nudity, and scenes of sensuality. Parents strongly cautioned._

**WINDOWS, A LOVE STORY**, _2004, starring Katie Holmes, Julie Stiles, Kate Hudson, and Nicole Kidman. Directed by Shannen Doherty. Unrated._ The evolution of Katie Holmes from America's television sweetheart to mature sensual woman, which had begun in her starring roles in the films DISTURBING BEHAVIOR and THE GIFT, was completed in this interesting piece of erotica that ties three contemporary love stories to a woman's voyeuristic tendencies. Holmes plays the woman who watches three couples (one happily married, one on the verge of divorce, and a May-December lesbian relationship on the verge of sexual consummation) and how she affects each of them from afar for better or worse. The weakest of the stories, sadly, involves Hudson's character and her growing disenchantment with her husband (played by Vince Vaughn) once she catches him with his mistress (an uncredited cameo by Sarah Michelle Gellar who makes her first nude scene running from the apartment screaming.). How she reacts to Holmes' snooping on their argument is rather clichéd and mostly pointless. The more interesting story deals with Stiles and Kidman as the soon-to-be lesbian lovers who are trying to find the right words and mood to express each other's passion. How they deal with Holmes' voyeurism is the most sexually charged moment in the film. The story dealing with the newlyweds (played by Vin Diesel and Kristin Davis) finishes out the film on an uneven level, bordering on one of those potential threesomes exploited to death by PLAYBOY VIDEO's Eros Collection, but the finale does portray the moment they find Holmes watching them more realistically especially at the awkward encounter the morning after. While this film is not the best of the bunch, it does have some excellent moments. _Contains sexuality, profanity, voyeurism, and nudity. Parents Strongly Cautioned._****

**********************************************

**FEATURES**

**_CHEROKEE DREAMS_**

**_By Cherokee128_**

O-si-oh, brother. How goes life? 

I've seen you before, but I don't know where. 

Where? Where? Your face has followed me in sleep. Your voice sings me to calm waters, waters of the Dream River. Your memories are mine as well. 

I've seen you before, but I don't know where. 

I am a warrior. I fear nothing, but you have haunted my sleep for many moons. You have stirred up demons of my past. You, my tsa-la-gi brother. 

I've seen you before, but I don't know where. 

A shadow of my past, a ghost of my future. A phantom that drifts through my life. Always there, never hidden. A stranger, yet so familiar to me. 

I've seen you before, but I don't know where. 

I live in the forest, live off the land. Play with my brothers, Run with my friends. Ride like the wind, hunt like the wolf, but you are always there. 

I've seen you before, but I don't know where. 

And than I look into the small clear pond, and I see you, a stranger, yet closer to me than my closest brother. You are me, and yet you aren't. 

I've seen you before, and now I know where. ****

**_WEATHER REPORT_**

_Monday:_ Extremely foggy with a chance of rain. Low hoverdrone visibility.Plan accordingly.

_Tuesday:_ partially sunny, high pollen index. An advisory is being issued for those with allergies or compromised immune systems to stay indoors.

_Wednesday:_ Mostly cloudy, high winds, stay indoors if you can so you don't get bombarded with trash debris.

_Thursday:_ ozone alert. If you are an oxygen breathing species STAY indoors!

_Friday:_ Rain

_Saturday:_ Rain

_Sunday:_ Here's a shocker: Rain

_Long Term Forecast:_ More Freakin' Rain.****

**********************************************

**SPORTS**

**_METHANE MOTORCYCLE TRAILS THIS WEEK IN SALT LAKE CITY_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

The third annual North American Methane Motorcycle Races will have its timing trails in at the city limits of Salt Lake City, Utah this week. Cyclists from America, Canada, The Mexican Free States, Baja Republic, Caribbean Commonwealth, and for the first time Japan will be displaying the latest in methane engines and technology at high speed for prizes in categories ranging from the usual racing technique to the best use of methane harvesting, conservation, and safety.This five day event will showcase the best in methane technology from three continents, as well as the gustiest riders from the Wild Landsof the Midwest to the steppes of Tibet.This spin-off of the venerable alternate energy races has been picking up fans at a stunning rate, with over 20,000 to attend the trails alone.Among the contests being staged are stunt riding, dirt racing, and the grueling 48 hour marathon across the Great Lake and surrounding area. The highlight of the event will be themotocross duel between Jerry Po of Chicago and Max "The Maximum" Cortez of Yucatan (Mexican Free States).These tworivals have had it in with each other since the Motocross Riots of 2015 in the Baja Republic, where Max accused Jerry of sabotaging his cycle and causing a seven bike pile-up that nearly crippled him.Bookies in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Ottawa,and Tokyo have Jerry at a slight advance due to his experience in the salt plains, while those in Blackpool, Paris, andMoscow put Max at 4 to 1 odds.Truly a match worth to watch, as it will be shown live on Cineplex Sports Pay Per View. (Consult listings for airtime and encores.)

Tickets can be bought at any sporting arena complex and Ticketmaster outlet for $18.50 a ticket, limited three tickets perperson. Interstate Sector passes must be shown before purchase as per National Emergency Protocols. Consult with yourlocal Military Commission Citizen Advisor for latest updates and changes. Utah Sector Police also advise to be ready forsudden delays due to full body searches against technology theft and industrial sabotage. No one will be admitted into thepit area without valid identification and escort. Mandatory 'Five Year Hard' sentencing will be enforced while the event isbeing held.

**********************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

**LOST**_: A notebook filled with poems and stuff. "Ewachsmuth" written on the cover.Here's an example:_

Witness the suffering in her eyes 

The memories of an existence she despised 

Heed the anguish in her voice 

The fate of a soul that can not rejoice 

Feel the tremors in her hands 

Remnants of a tortured youth few can understand 

And now, is she back in the den of terror? 

And now, was escape just a respite from horror? 

And now, will she come back to me? 

Will she come back to me? 

Will she... 

Witness the suffering in my eyes 

The memories of an existence I prized 

Heed the anguish in my voice 

The fate of a soul that can no longer rejoice 

Feel the tremors in my hands 

And remember that I did understand 

_If the notebook is yours, and you can identify at least two other poems, you can have it. _

**FOUND:** Large black dog, possibly Rottweiler mix, wearing black leather collar. Extremely territorial. We would like it removed from our residence as soon as possible. Please contact Steve at the Happy Traveler hotel immediately.****

**POLYGAMIST WANTED: **

One husband to serve, 

must have style; must have verve 

There's five of us wives 

The harder to strive 

To give 'him' the life he deserves. 

**FOR SALE:** False teeth. Many styles and sizes. Pre-sterilized. Please contact Mary at Seattle General Hospital, basement level.


	8. Eighth Edition: Female Trouble

Cherokee's poem

**STREETS OF SEATTLE **

**(date withheld), 2019 **

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Managing editor: Samcrazy**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Opinions Editor: Shnapzie**

**Poetry Editor: Ewachsmuth**

**Entertainment Editor: Jox5**

**Conspiracy Reporter: Darkknightgg**

**Contributing Reporter: I_AM_KIMBO**

**Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby**

**Contributing Reporter: Thejerk2K1**

**Contributing Reporter: Dammachine**

**Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128**

**Contributing Reporter: 727Angel**

**Contributing Reporter: Nikkigirltoo**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_babe**

**************************************************

**LOCAL NEWS__**

**_UNDERGROUND ORGANIZATION FEARS HOVERDRONES OUT TO GET THEM_**

**_By I_AM_KIMBO_**

They're only there to protect us.

At least, that's what the government and Sector Police claim when the controversial hoverdrones are brought up. We are all acutely aware of their existence, flying around the city and going where Peace Officers cannot, making sure restricted and private areas stay that way and cross-referencing our faces with their extensive database of mug shots to track down wanted criminals and felons. Still, there are those who think these robotic law enforcers are an invasion of privacy and have taken one too many steps over the proverbial line. The now nearly defunct Civil Liberties Union (CLU) has been lobbying for their termination since their conception in the early days of post-Pulse America, and now they may have a new form of ammunition: a group of innocent citizens who've been brought together by the belief that each is being followed by the hoverdrones.

They call themselves the Vision Rebellion, which pertains to their ongoing mission to escape the eyes of their robotic pursuers. The members have agreed to come forward anonymously because they believe that, if the city is made aware of the problem, they can rally support for their cause and help to at least put much-needed restrictions on the hoverdrones.

"They think they can get away with it, man, followin' us like they do," said the group's leader, a twitchy 25-year-old in a black hooded sweatshirt, "but, see, they ain't count on us bein' onto 'em, and that's gonna be what brings 'em down. They spy on us, they spy on more an' more peeps everyday, but the more folks they keepin' tabs on, the more knows about 'em, an' the more we get in this organization, an' the more they settin' themselves up for trouble."

"Theys just needa stop," said a blonde Vision Rebel who looked to be about only 18. "Theys been followin' me and what's left of m' family for 3 or 4 years now. It's creepy. Ya can't go nowheres without lookin' over your shoulder. Ya can't take a step or do the things ya love ta do without worryin' theys gonna git ya on some technicality. And that's really what it's about...theys on our tails so theys can find some reason to bust us, to beat us down, toss us in jail, treat us like the animals theys think us to be. Theys weedin' out anyone who might be a deviant, ya see, the peeps who might take a stand one of these days. When I say 'theys' I mean the government, rich peeps, and Sector Police, of course. It's like you guys pointed out in that article about Memorial Day awhile back...theys got a taste of totalitarianism and theys like it, a lot. I mean, I hear wonderful tales of the democracy and freedom of the pre-Pulse days...theys don't want that to come back. Theys way into the power theys got now. And I say bringing down the hoverdrones, gettin' our privacy back'll bring us one step closer to makin' America into what it was meant to be, all the things theys tryin' to wipe out."

Powerful, poignant words from such a young woman, and the rest of the Rebellion naturally agrees with her sentiments. They believe this is all part of a massive plot to wipe out the old America and keep it in the throes of level 1 government rule. But others see it differently.

We spoke to a few Sector Police and received basically the same answers from each: any innocent who thinks they are being targeted or followed by a hoverdrone is either paranoid and needs to lay off re-runs of 'The X-Files', or is not truly innocent at all. They maintain that the hoverdrones' sole purpose is to help bring criminals to justice and protect our fair city, not to spyor intimidate.

"The notion that we're deploying these as a means of continuing the suffering of the nation is utter nonsense," the Chief of Police stated. "We want to return to the glory days as much as anyone, but we can't do it alone. That's where the hoverdrones come in. They're a tremendous help and any individual who thinks otherwise has been terribly misinformed."

Mr. Jonas Cale, whose company manufactures the chip that allows the drones to fly, declined to comment.

Despite the accusations of paranoia, though, the Vision Rebellion insists that their claims are well founded and the CLU is jumping all over it. Katherine McFallen, the CLU's assistant director, believes they've found exactly what they've been looking for the past several years.

"This is our case's big break," she says. "All we've needed is evidence that these things are out of line. Now we have it. These people are sincerely afraid and it's not hard to tell that they're speaking the truth. Fortunately, I think it's only a matter of time now before none of us will ever have to know that fear again."

_The problem with a hoverdrone_

_It never lets you be alone_

_Try grabbing your gun_

_To have some hoverdrone fun_

_By the time you return the drone has flown_

**_POST PULSE EDUCATION IMPROVES_**

**_BY Ewachsmuth_**

Teachers say education has improved since the eradication of the mandatory school attendance law. Students who do not want to be in school are no longer forced to attend by trustees who have had other duties loaded upon them by the high amount of juvenile court cases these days.

With fewer students came the need for fewer teachers and thus, the most inept teachers were let go. Of course, some of the better ones were also lured away by other countries and industries. Teachers who were interested in teaching just for the money were also forced out of the system when they discovered that governmental redistribution of funds were going less toward education and more toward the repairs needed for the National Power Grid and the military policing of America.

Nevertheless, the teachers remaining are now saying that they are able to teach lessons without the distractions of problem students, and the students remaining are paying more attention.

Parents are also happier with the lower teacher to student ratio in the classrooms and the more individualized treatment their children are receiving.

With fewer supplies on hand and limited resources, teachers are forced to delve into their own inventiveness to teach basic and higher level academic skills. School subjects like computer hacking, virus control, and international languages such as Japanese may be getting more funding, but teachers of math, social studies, English, and science are dealing with the shortages in ways that redeem the collapsed educational system, and make getting an education seem like a worthwhile goal once more.

Said one parent, "It is a shame that it had to come to the pulse to allow my child a better education in America."

MEDICAL CENTER TRASHED 

**_By Samcrazy._**

Resources are stretched.Doctors are few and far between, and lets not even think about the lack of equipment.These facts are _painfully _obvious to those who have wait for care in the small number of hospitals in the area, and even to those who are fortunate enough to be healthy.But some people still insist on trashing and/or raiding the vulnerable spots in Seattle.

Two days ago a small medical center was found to be wrecked, all the contents taken and the resident doctor missing.No evidence of gang work could be found after a complete inspection of the building, and the police department wouldn't release any information on the raid.However, this reporter could dig up the information.

A Dr. Vertes ran this small downtown clinic where she worked especially with clients with muscle problems.According to sources, she had very high prices for her extensive treatment, which, using new and unknown therapy, had a 94.5% success rate.Strangely enough we here at the 'Streets' could not find any information about her history, and no record of where she got her license to practice.There was no record of her on the military databases.

This reporter believes that more is going on here then meets the eye.At the start of the investigation the 'job' looked like a gang's hit and run, but after looking harder into the case it seems that Dr. Vertes is, or was, invisible when researched.Strange?We here at the 'Streets' don't expect any less.

This report has many lose ends that cannot be tied up.And, to make matters worse, we are unable to speculate on whether this is an isolated incident, and will not reoccur.There are no links that we can pick up from this, so this report cannot really be finished.

For the first time this reporter is stumped for leads.So I leave you with one message; Don't be dumb.We need all the help we can get in this dark time, and destroying hospitals doesn't help anything.

**_STREETS OF SEATTLE CLEANS UP_**

**_by Daf9_**

Over 40 writers from daily newspapers in the Pacific Northwest were honored this week as winners of the 2019 C.B. Blethen Memorial Awards for Distinguished Newspaper Reporting at a ceremony held in Seattle. This was the 43rd consecutive year the awards have been given in memory of C.B. Blethen; the man who published The Seattle Times for 26 years, from 1915 until his death in 1941. 

In pre-Pulse days eligibility was restricted to daily papers in the six states (Washington, Oregon, Montana, Idaho, Utah and Alaska) and two Canadian provinces (British Columbia and Alberta) that were members of the Pacific Northwest Association. However, shortly following the Pulse, the Free State of Alaska and the Canadian provinces withdrew from the Association. With the demise of many daily newspapers in the remaining member states the number of eligible papers had dropped dramatically prior to opening the contest to weekly publications in 2012. Since then Streets of Seattle has been a consistent presence at the winners table and for the last 3 years has received more awards than any other paper of its size. 

This years winners from Streets of Seattle include: 

Our editor Jennem1 who once again will be taking home the award for best editor. Sadly, Ms 1 had to be removed from the winners' table before receiving her award due to the unfortunate consumption of too many herbal gummies. Streets of Seattle Managing Editor SAMCRAZY accepted the award for Jennem. 

In an unusual turn of events Managing Editor SAMCRAZY received her own award for reporting. While nominated for several articles she eventually won for a biting piece on food rationing in Seattle. 

WEIRDARCHIVES won in two categories: for a series of movie reviews and an article on Powerjacking. With his typical humility WEIRDARCHIVES tried to refuse his award but was dragged kicking and protesting to the podium where he was eventually persuaded by his fellow reporters and his editor that he really deserved this honor. He did however insist that his winners' check be made out to Logans_Babe, the Chief Financial Officer of Streets of Seattle. 

JOX5 won for a piece on Seattle's famous cyberhacker Eyes Only. 

SHNAPZIE was nominated for several articles but won for her incredibly moving Memorial Day piece. 

CHEROKEE128 received her award for an article on Kids' Sports in Seattle. 

ANGUSHARDIE was again, nominated for several of his articles but the judges felt his piece on the virgin olive oil theft from the Italian embassy was particularly tasty and thus formed the basis of his award. 

EWACHSMUTH received a special award for her poetry. 

NINJA650 won an award for his courageous piece on the Seattle Sector Police. 

The Dark Knight was given an award for an article presenting evidence that the original moon landing was a hoax. 

A number of other Streets of Seattle reporters, including Darkangelbby, Sportzgirl16, Preciousjax, DAF9, Lucifer6Lexi and iluveyesonly, received Honorable Mentions. 

The award ceremony was interrupted for a brief time by a disturbance caused when a crazed old man entered the auditorium complaining that he too deserved an award. He was ignored until he started trying to remove people's teeth. The man was then quickly removed by the authorities and latter identified as one DTM. The incident was particularly unfortunate as DTM had indeed been scheduled to receive an award for his report on the cause of the odorous emissions down by the waterfront. That award was instead presented to the runner-up whose name this reporter forgot to record. Mr. M has been remanded to the joint custody of ElfinWorld and Melasand while awaiting trial. 

**_THE TRUTH ABOUT TEETH_**

**_By Dammachine_**

In an earlier story in this newspaper, you may have read a story about a man named DTM who allegedly ran an illegal dental clinic in his basement. This reporter has a statement from the person in question. It reads "It wasn't me". The statement continues on " Really, it wasn't me. It was DMT. That DMT he's no good. I can see how you all became confused and I forgive each and everyone of you."

So as far as this reporter is concerned we have finally got to the bottom of this story and there is no need to investigate further.Nope, no need what so ever. This has been DTM reporting for the Streets of Seattle.

_Editor's note: DTM pulled his hand out of his pocket at the time of the news conference, to wave at the press gathered around and several bloody teeth were stuck to his fingers, they fell off as he waved good bye. _

_Oh what a relief!_

_DTM's not after teeth_

_Its some other bloke - er_

_DMT is the joker_

_Its not DTM who's the thief!_

_DAF9_

**************************************************

**INTERNATIONAL NEWS**

_An Olympic update...of sorts. _

**_OLYMPIC PLANNING FALLING APART, MIGHT BE CANCELLED AGAIN!_**

**_by Weirdarchive_**

For almost ten years, the pageantry of the Olympics (both Summer and Winter Games) have been missed on the world's stage...and judging by the lack of enthusiasm, it may be another ten years or more before the Games reappear.

At the International Olympic Committee Headquarters in Geneva, Switzerland, the remaining members couldn't decide on how to reintroduce the Games or which city should host them. The apparent lack of support, financial and political, was evident as protesters mobbed the building and accused the IOC of promoting the evils of globalization and discord. Quite the irony since the Modern Games were founded in 1896 for the purpose of uniting the world in peaceful competition. 

Ever since the Pulse and the accompanying conflicts such as Operation Jericho's Wraith and the increasing turmoil with the Republic of Alaska, there have not been any Olympic games staged or planned. In fact, this is the third time in three years that the IOC has met, deliberating on the fate of the Games. The history of the past three games, especially that of the Beijing Games of 2008, has been a factor both in the protests and in the committee's lack of consensus. Many blame the last Summer Olympics, played in the then People's Republic prior to its collapse in 2013, as a possible catalyst for the terrorist EMP weapon which destroyed much of North America's electronic infrastructure and caused the economic chaos which still affects America today. "Those damned Communists played it like it was their own showcase, just like in Berlin 1936." ,a spokesman for the IOC ranted. "That is until they started losing big and then the protesters got out of hand. It got messy close to the end and a lot of nations started with the sable rattling. In a way, the Pulse was more a Godsend because I'd hate to think what might have happened."

More to the heart of the matter is the notable lack of support by most nations, since the Olympics of 2004 Athens and 2006 Torino, Italy were not as big of a television draw as the Beijing Olympics. Then there are the other concerns. "You have to realize the Olympics were just as corporate as many of the big companies that were affected by the Pulse." Dale Van Simmons, American Representative to the IOC, explained to our reporter. "Once the Pulse took out the banks and financial centers, IOC's resources were cut in half. I'm surprised we're still have the main headquarters open. Some of these people haven't been paid in a year. And of course, we have to deal with the more popular sporting events like the Methane Races and Rollerball. If there's no blood or fighting involved, people won't come. Then we have the present political tension. There are countries who wanted to send teams or sponsor the Games, but they can't because they have disputes with other countries. Hell, some are even at war! We've received a few representatives from the Republic of Alaska during the last day of the IOC meeting wanting to have Nome be the next Winter Olympic site, but at present the US doesn't recognize it because it still considers Alaska a state and it's been dealing out pressure to the other countries not to give it diplomatic recognition. Add to that the growing power of the political combines like the European Union and the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere. Doesn't make any sense for a sprinter from England to race against one from France or Germany because technically they're from the same country! Finally, there's the sobering fact that some countries just don't exist anymore. You're not going to find a team from Saudi or Iraq or Israel or even El Salvador! Those places are gone, gone, gone! You'll be lucky to find many people in them period."

At present, the IOC is being partially funded by the UN under its UNESCO charter owing to the Olympic ideal of peace and education through sport. Some in the General Assembly have voiced opposition of its continual funding due to calls to increase the military budget for the many task forces patrolling the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory, with wild rumors of a possible return of the Islamic Jihad still circulating in the self-governing areas. A vote has been tabled for now, but the IOC has been actively courting the remaining wealthy nations for a possible grant. So far, only the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone, Tibet, and Columbia have pledged financial support.

_And the problems of The Republic of Alaska just keep getting more interesting!_

**_TENSION BETWEEN 'REPUBLIC' OF ALASKA AND US GROWS, CANADA FEARS FOR ITS SAFETY_**

**_by Weirdarchive_**

Another sign that the self-proclaimed Republic of Alaska refuses to make peace with America occurred on Monday when the President of the rogue state 'Governor' William Hodges presided over the destruction of several tons of US Quarters, some minted in 2008 with the Big Dipper on the back as part of the Statehood Quarter series, in a political rally in the capital of Juneau. The 'Governor', along with his right hand man 'Vice President' Calvin Rutherford, leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (formerly Britney Spears), and commander of the Alaskan Republic Air Home Guard 'Rocking' Billy Phillip Hayes, shoveled a load of US Quarters into a smelter where in the 'Governor's' own words, "the stink of Fed servitude will be reformed into Alaskan freedom by the fires of true democracy." A crowd of thousands cheered as US minted Quarters were tossed into vats awaiting the same fate. 

Later in the rally, Hodges and his cohorts distributed the freshly reminted coins to eager citizens. The new coin has the familiar state flag of the Big Dipper, but instead of George Washington's bust in the front, the profile is now of a Bull Terrier named Patsy Ann, a legend in Juneau's folklore as the 'Official Greeter' of many ships that docked in its harbors. "I'd rather have that dog's face looking at me than that old fart Washington," proclaimed Rutherford as he gave out the new coins to a group of workers of the Alaskan Republican Oil Line. Thousands continued to cheer as Hodges unveiled the future currency for the rogue state. Included with the "Patsy" as the citizens are now calling the Alaskan Republic Quarter, there are plans for a penny with a polar bear front, a dime depicting the Iditarod Sled Dog Race, a half dollar with the profile of Edward 'Fighting Eddie' MacNichols, the martyred commander of Alaskan Republic Home Guard who fought against National Guard troops still loyal to America in the Battle of Nome in 2010, and a full dollar with the profile of an unidentified Eskimo. US officials stationed in the American Affairs Office of the Japanese Embassy were stunned by the display and wanton destruction of currency. "I can't believe those idiots would even tried something like that," an unnamed spokesman said. "They still use the same damned paper money and gold that rightfully belongs to the US Treasury. The President and the people will not tolerate this outrage."

Apparently, the rally had another purpose in mind. Shortly after the redistribution of the first run of Patsies, Rutherford announced a new 10 year trade agreement with Russia, Japan, East Timor, and the Philippines, primarily with its valuable oil reserves and gold mining, but also in its growing manufacturing market of hydroponic gardens and long-term storage solar cells. 

The revenue being earned will help in the upkeep of the Republic's military, creating its own educational system, restoring the still damaged infrastructure, and expanding its foreign capital basis. Rutherford also promised to have India, the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone, Australia, Indonesia, and Singapore recognize the rogue state "Come Hell or High Water!", and to forge closer ties with Canada and ask for its mediation in Alaska's wishes to annex the west coasts of Washington and Oregon into 'the Olympia Autonomous Free Trade Zone'. 

The Canadian Prime Minister Joshua Arnolds, fresh from his address to the UN General Assembly in their temporary headquarters in Toronto, voiced concerned that the US might take hostile measures in response to the offer, including possible military action. "We can't afford another shooting war." Arnolds said. "This continent has enough problems on its own without some crackpot pouring gasoline into the fire. I wish the Presidents of Alaska and the US could discuss their differences in a calmer setting like the UN rather than taking it to the streets like a couple of thugs." The President and the Supreme Commander of Military Operations for the Restoration of America had no comment on these events as we went into press.

**************************************************

**CONSPIRACY**

**_AREA 51 ALIENS?_**

**_By Darkknightgg AKA Spyder_**

Area 51 is located approximately 80-125 miles Northwest of Las Vegas. At Area 51 the U.S. government is test-flying highly secret BLACK PROJECT aircraft for many years.Many think this includes UFOs.

They call one part of this military site the Groom Dry Lake area. It has been proven that the Stealth and SR 71 projects were built and tested at this part of Area 51. Many people who work in and around the military installation refer to this highly secret areas a "Dreamland" or "Groom Lake."

When saying "Roswell," most people think of aliens.But what if aliens have been on our planet all along, drinking coffee at Area 51? Don't stop reading just yet. Many know about the base.It is in fact the most "unsecret" secret base in the world today.Everybody knows it's whereabouts but no one knows of what happens inside. I dare anyone to try to get to the base. _(editor's note: please do not do this)_ It's impossible to do.You won't even make it to the fence area without being stopped, shot or killed.

Yes, they have legal right to kill you. If his base is just normal, what's with all the Restricted Area signs and the guys patrolling the base in jeeps? If there is nothing to be seen, why is the base expanding, taking a way all possible views of the base from the near by mountains?

The "Cammo dudes" as locals call them patrol the area and try to avoid contact. If you cross the border, you will get at minimum receive a $600 fine and jail sentence. The US Government has only recently acknowledged the "fact of the existence" of this facility, despite ample publicity andabundant speculation over the past decades.

Lazar was the first worker of Area 51 to go public with any inside information,first making his claims in a locally televised interview. Lazer had detailed information on exactly where many special crafts were. He convinced many about Area 51's secrets and was the one who started all the speculation. The interesting factor of Lazer is not thathe can't prove much, but that hewas the first to get the media attention about the base. It was Lazer and the government squaring off against each other.Guess who won? And where is Lazer now?

Many tourists have been coming to the public lands closest to the base, to try to catch glimpses of alien craft inflight. Many believe that they have seen UFOs there, but there are so many UFO-like natural and military phenomena on display that its hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.

So what do you guys think? All a big hoax or legit? 

Join me next week for "Conspiracy Theories: Big Foot"

**************************************************

**ADVERTISEMENT**

**_HOW TO TURN YOUR COLD DIRTY FEET INTO COOL CLEAN CASH_**

**_By Thejerk2k1_**

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All the rich snooty Canadians have been having outbreaks of new strains of foot diseases such as plastenemotosis(toe rot) and octonemotosis(skunk foot). Mexican doctors need training to respond to the Canadian crisis, and you can take advantage of it.This three-week program offers foot care given by the best doctors in Mexico! Now is your chance to cash in on their unsightly tootsies. Isn't it about time that your feet start carrying their own weight? Don't delay, come into today!

_Disclaimer: By reading this article you have agreed that Canada Corp. is not liable for gross negligence resulting in foot loss or death. You also may be subject to radical new experimental programs such as the foot transplant procedure._****

**************************************************

**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editor,

Bravo to actresses Neve Campbell and Denise Richards for defying this silly,unwarranted prohibition against Genetucking. From the point of view of an evolutionary biologist there is no rational reason why this procedure should be banned. To the moralists and religious zealots concerned about "playing God" I say you should be far more worried about techniques that alter the germ line. In vitro fertilization, cloning, modifying sperm and egg DNA in the effort to create a more "perfect" child and even the old fashioned use of anonymous sperm donation are of far more danger to the human gene pool than Genetucking. Modifying somatic cells by Genetucking does not affect future generations. And the disappearance of government support of the elderly through programs such as Medicare and Medicaid means there is not even a compelling financial reason to prohibit those who have the interest and the cash in undergoing rejuvenation therapy. While I agree with your reporter WEIRDARCHIVES that there are potentially some risks of creating new viral epidemics these risks would be minimized by strict scrutiny of the laboratories and procedures and that requires legalization. America has gone thorough similar debates many times before over among other things the legalization of abortion or the use of stem cells harvested from embryos discarded by in vitro fertilization clinics. In every case the decision has eventually been made that it is better to legalize the technology and subject it to government oversight than to let it continue unfettered behind closed doors. And to those who feel that genetic engineering for merely cosmetic purposes is somehow less worthy than for correcting serious diseases I can only say that we have been torturing animals for over a century for merely cosmetic purposes. At least these actresses chose to participate in this procedure and benefited from it, unlike the thousands upon thousands of rabbits who were sacrificed to ensure that your shampoo is everything it's supposed to be.

I can only suppose those who are ineligible for the Genetucking procedure due to either financial or medical constraints want it banned because they are jealous. As for me, I'm saving my dollars for a trip to the Eros Clinic

Dear Editor,

Please forward the following to Steve at the Happy Traveler hotel who found the dog that was possibly a Rottweiller mix.

We had a Rottweiler/poodle named Fluffy

Her demeanor was unfortunately huffy

While her loss was of concern

We don't want her returned

As we now have a pit bull named Muffy.

Dear Editor,

My youngest sister's brother-in-law's ex- mother-in-law told her next door neighbor who told a guy at work who passed the message on to his gardener who told his wife who told her hairdresser who is married to MY dentist that some guy named DMT or DTM or something like that has been running around Seattle practicing illegal dentistry and stealing teeth. But then I read in Streets of Seattle that it's true...and everyone knows you should never believe anything you read in the newspaper. What am I to think now?

Dear Reporter Shnapzie,

If your tires combust

Don't give up in disgust

There are plenty of buyers

For exploding tires

Although they're probably not people you should trust.

Dear Editor, 

A cupel a weeks a go, I winned an award for my poetry, and I felted just plain awfull with meself cuz I foundt this note type book, and I tooked a poem from it like it was mine or sumthin. Well, the book was by the trash can, rite their by my box, like a gift or sumthin. You guys tried to give me some sgetti and kool-aid, but I couldn't of took it. I decided to reedeen meself and writed a lost n found note, but some goof there said my name was on it. Nope, that's not ture. It sayz on the covr L.C. and FREEDOM. I know your bit on "plagiarism" was to me, and I wante to say im sorry. Here's another of the guy's poems, maybe he can recugneyes it and see its his. 

Surrealistic waves of suppressed hysteria 

Wash over my universe 

And summon me to my knees 

It shakes me and delivers me frozen 

Upon spiritless frigid ground 

Like a newborn baby, unable to care for myself 

And the world melts and withdraws from me 

Only to come back and b!tch-slap my face 

But I don't feel it, don't feel it at all 

And I wonder how are you? 

Sincerly, 

EWACHSMUTH

Dear Editor,

Re SAMCRAZY'S report in this weeks SOS

Citizens' action committees'

Reputation's are shot; more's the pity

Is it really a mob?

Or someone doing a job

To improve life here in the city?

**************************************************

**PETS**

**_LIONS AND TIGERS OH MY!_**

**_By Darkangelbby_**

In the ritzy high-rise section of the city, African lions and Bengal and Siberian tigers have be come a popular household pet. The family gets a cub from the local zoo, who is happy to get rid of the expensive beast, and trains and tames it. Most families get young cubs that are still nursing from the mother.The family takes turns feeding the cub, gaining a trusting relationship. This rewards the kids, and the parents.Instead of buying a guard dog, which no one really fears anymore, the family has a lioness,lion, tigress, or tiger to watch over the family. These big cats are actually very loyal, and the tigers are even considered lifeguards.

One family says, "Little Gouiarfd fell into the pool andwas drowning! We were ever so worried, but I had just had my nails done and my husband was getting his eyebrows plucked. We were almost about to call Fernando, the pool boy, when Fluffy, our Siberian tigress, jumped into the pool, swam underneath Gouiarfd, and pulled her toshore. Fluffy had an extra helping of raw cow that night."

Back to the guard situation, one family remarks, " We believe that lions can sense evil and distrust a person who is a treat to the family. Our two lions, Snowball (the white female) and Mr. Chuckles; (the male who when he roars, sounds like he's laughing), were friendly to all of our servants except for one, Eduardo, the butler. They kept their eyes on him wereever he went.Come to find out, he was actually going to kill us and take all of our money. When he tried to carry out his plan, the lions tore him apart and feasted on his remains. At least we think that's what happened.

So there you have it folks. Are lions and tigers actually the next cats, dogs, and fishes?Maybe, if you are a millionaire.

**_NEFARIOUS USES OF PETS IN POST-PULSE AMERICA_**

**_DAF9_**

In recent years, police have seen a significant increase in canine crime. In the golden days of the late 20th-early 21st century, illegal activities committed by animals consisted largely of dogs biting humans or emptying trash cans. The Pulse changed all that. Desperate people are either training or purchasing dogs to carry out a variety of illegal activities, mostly involving theft. We have all heard about the chicken-stealing Chihuahuas, but this particular activity is just the tip of the iceberg.

Just last month, the sector police rounded up a ring of log-snatching Sharpeis who were taking fuel from the homeless living down by the waterfront. The Sharpeis were trained to sneak up on the wood piles found beside most burning trash cans, freezing in place every few yards, preferably in a pile of discarded rags. Sharpeis naturally resemble discarded furs. Once the attention of the owner of the wood pile was distracted, the dog wouldgrab a log and return to its master.

Several rather curious incidents have also been reported in which dog/monkey teams accost individuals and steal their blood. The modus operandi in this case has been for the dog (generally a member of one of the larger breeds such as Great Danes or Irish wolfhounds),carrying the monkey on his back, to run full tilt into an adult human being, knocking him or herto the ground. While the person struggles to regain his footing, the monkey inserts a needleinto a vein withdrawing blood into a standard vacutainer. The animals generally manage toescape successfully. The purpose to this exercise has yet to be determined but some feel it may be an attempt to obtain samples from the rare adult individuals whom rumors haveindicated contain circulating embryonic stem cells in their blood.

And just to show that human efforts to commit crimes using animals is not restricted to dogs,there was also a report from about six weeks ago about a cat breeder trying to compete with the chicken stealing Chihuahuas by training felines to steal Cornish game hens. Unfortunately,not only are Cornish game hens almost unheard-of in post-pulse Seattle but when one of the cats did manage to find a game hen, it invariably consumed the bird before returning to theowner. Any cat owner could have predicted that one.

**************************************************

**TRAVEL**

**_10 DEAD GIVEAWAYS THAT YOU ARE AN AMERICAN_**

**_(part of our Becoming a Canadian series)_**

**_By DAF9_**

1. Hork at the mention of beaver tails.

2. Try explaining to the government that taxation is illegal.

3. Think there is hockey other than ice hockey.

4. Don't know the punchline to the joke "the largest animal in Canadais the moose because..."

5. Believe senators are elected government representatives rather than hockey players.

6. Are convinced of the existence of condiments other than maple syrup and ketchup.

7. Believe the British lost the War of 1812.

8. Can't recite the I am Canadian commercial.

9. Are incapable of debating the relative merits of Labatts versus Molsons.

10. Spend your time in Toronto looking for Eskimos and Igloos.

11. Prefer something other than Bob as an alternative name for the North West Territories. [ This one is real guys. In a vote to change the name of theNWT, NWT won but Bob came in second. Despite the weather, those folks have a sense of humor.]

**_RELATIVE MERITS OF MEXICO VS. CANADA FOR AMERICANS SEEKING TO ESCAPE POST-PULSE USA_**

**_By DAF9_**

The following quiz was designed to determine whether you would be happier as an ex-patriot American in Canada or Mexico.

1. When you wake up in the morning and look outside your bedroom window, which would you prefer to see?

huge piles of snow---- 1 point

a cactus----- 0 point

2. In the event of a building falling on your foot are you likely to yell 

S**t---- 1 point

Ch!ng@te--- 0 points [if this is inappropriate I apologize: I don't speakSpanish]

3. After a hard day at work do you prefer to pop the cap on a Molsons or a Dos Equis?

Molsons--- 1 point

Dos Equis--- 0 point

4. Would you rather swim in the Gulf of Mexico or Great Bear Lake?

Gulf--- 0 point

Great Bear Lake--- 1 point

5. On a hike would you rather be confronted by a grizzly bear or a Western Coral snake?

Grizzly--- 1 point

Snake--- 0 point

6. For breakfast would you rather consume a peameal bacon sandwich or a taco?

Peameal bacon--- 1 point

Taco--- 0 point

4 or more points you should head north. Less than 3, you're bound for Mexico.

3 or 4 you should either stay put or head to England.

**************************************************

**ENTERTAINMENT**

**_BACKSTREET BOYS IN CAR CRASH_**

**_By JOX5_**

Yesterday evening, the Backstreet Boys were in a terrible accident. Their tour bus was hit by a car and then rolled over into a ditch and burst into flames.Nick suffered second degree burns, and A.J broke his arm. 

The Boys were on their way to Portland, the final stop on the reunion tour, when it all happened. Three cars were following behind the bus.All at once they tried to force the bus off the road. The first car got ahead of the bus and stopped in the middle of the road, and then the other two cars got beside the bus to stop it from getting by. The bus was not able to stop fast enough, so it swerved sideways into the ditch, hitting the side of car one. When the bus rolled over and caught fire, all three cars left the scene.

Lucky for the Boys, there were enough other fans following behind the bus to save them. The three cars were stopped in Seattle and all nine kids inside have been charged with dangerous driving causing harm.

Nick is expected to be out of hospital in 4-5 months.For now the Backstreet Boys are making no plans for another tour.

**_SEATTLE'S BARS: ARE THEY THE PLACE TO GO?_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

More and more people are flocking to places where they can get away from the harsh reality outside, and it seems that some of Seattle's bars are growing in popularity everyday.We surveyed a wide range of bars and pubs where the young and old alike say are the best in Seattle. We chose the three best ones.

First we reviewed a bar called: 'Frogspawn'

This is a very popular place in the west of downtown Seattle: next to a block of old apartment blocks.Don't let the outside fool you, inside there are brightly colored banners, a long bar and a nonstop disco.The place is littered with tables, all occupied by various groups, selling goods between.The atmosphere is charged with excitement and laughter, the only rule in this place is to leave the post-pulse life outside.The bar serves the whole range of drinks, all surprisingly legal. Frogspawn is a great place to go if you want to forget the problems outside, and not using the drugs that tend to float about in this establishment.All in all, if you watch out for the drug lords, you should enjoy a good night out here.

Next we looked around: 'Crash'

As soon as you walk down the street loud rock music hits you face on.Inside it's a crowded environment, but that's its charm.A big screen TV is the main attraction with a bar right next to it.There are plenty of tables around everywhere, with a raised platform for more space.Jam Pony representatives are everywhere, and one in particular called 'Sketchy' seems to be the primary source of entertainment, performing stunts on the fat wooden bar.This place serves the best beer this reporter has had in a long time, all the patrons of Crash agree. Crash has a friendly group of regulars with a bartender who will lend you an ear if needed.It looks clean, before and after researching into drug activity in the area.Crash is located near Seattle's main port.

Third surveyed bar was: 'Friends United'

After the pulse most of the high-tech lighting and sound systems had to go in order to get the place up and running again, but Friends United has bounced back after a 2 year improvement period.It lost it's 'gay' image and now it is a great place to hang out if you want to chat and party.Cocktails are the best drinks to get here; the beer lets this bar down. Friends United is a good place to stop and relax.Music is played nonstop from 6:00pm to 2:00 in the morning and the dance floor is always full of partygoers who just want to have fun.Enjoy a long night and sleep afterwards, I guarantee you'll need it!

After this review this report feels that all the theme bars looked at deserved acclaim.They have brighten up the lives of those who seemed to suffer after the pulse wiped out such luxuries as the internet and free TV.I give all these bars a thumbs up.

1. The 'Full Belly'

2. The 'Hieroglyphic Gorge'

3. The 'Clock and Crash'

4. The 'Urban Chicks Restaurant and Pub'

5. The 'Ball Park'

6. The 'Optical Amazement bar'

7. The 'Byte and Go'

**_MOVIES_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

_On Cineplex, Canada:_

**MY EYES GO GRAY 4: THE SHAMEFULNESS OF BLOOD**, _2006, starring Yukie Nakama, Kei Mizutani, and Han Suk-gyu. Directed by Norio Tsuruta. Unrated._ The GRAY movies are one of the few horror series that deals with the political horrors with the same intensity as it does the paranormal. This sequel is no exception, as it calls upon Japan's self-denial of its war crimes during WWII and how its self delusion haunts the generations that follow with increasing alarm. Told in a generational line, this story deals with an atrocity in Northern China where the Japanese Occupational Army wipes out an entire village simply because a high official wanted his daughter to have a place to play in. The ghosts of the murdered villagers begin to haunt the girl and her family across the decades. Certain periods of history are reviewed as the girl's daughter (Nakama) is paralyzed with the fear of crowds during the 1964 Tokyo Summer Olympics as she sees the ghosts taunting her from completing her event, the 800 Meter Race. The next chapter is set in 1987 with her offspring (Mizutani) is in turn troubled by voices and the sounds of gunfire as she tries to finish a painting which slowly transforms from an idyllic pasture scene to the very village in China which was burned to the ground. Finally in the year 2004, the grandson and last surviving (and sane) member of the family (Suk-gyu) must come to terms with his kin's crime as he does a documentary about Japan's war crimes for an Australian television station, with many of the remaining soldiers who carried out the orders unable and unwilling to confess their guilt...until the spirits of the dead villagers and those who were killed during Japan's involvement in World War II come in to pronounce their judgment and pardon the grandson for his selfless act to make amends. Many credit this film as well as the book GUILTY BY MY BLOOD AND DEEDS, a detailed account of the occupation of China by some of the troops willing to talk about their deeds, for Japan's eventual admission of its war crime past and its belated attempts to make amends. The subject is taboo even now in Japanese culture, in spite of recent events. Some Japanese, even now, are more willing to condemn America for its Internment Camps and Atomic Bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki than their own country's biowar experiments on Chinese and Allied war prisoners and civilians. Truly a study of guilt and redemption. Awarded the Fangoria Golden Chain Saw for Best Foreign Horror Film, the Independent Spirit Award for Best Picture, and the Holocaust War Memorial Portrait of Truth and Courage for its openness of the Japanese atrocities in World War II. _Contains violence, nudity, profanity, and acts of degradation. Parents Strongly Cautioned._

**BIGGIE GETS HIS!**, _2010, starring Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Reese Witherspoon. Directed by Kevin Bright. Rated R. _Granted, this film isn't the best of Brad Pitt's career (His work in SE7EN, FIGHT CLUB, and EMBRACING MOONLIGHT far outshines this particular work.), but it has some moments. Pitt plays Biggie Walkens, a semi-hustler of the Bronx trying to make his big score with the local mobsters...much to the dismay and disapproval of his masseuse girlfriend Melody (played by his then-wife Aniston). Trouble soon follows Biggie in a big way when he's asked to escort the head modster's mail order bride/mistress (Witherspoon) to a party where some of the city's finest are attending with warrants for his arrest. Naturally, mistakes are made and Biggie has to deal with the cops, the mob, an outraged girlfriend, and one very horny woman who intends on fulfilling her fantasy of a threesome even as guns are blazing. Most of the slapstick comedy falls flat and Aniston's reluctance to do a lesbian scene with Witherspoon (who also had problems with the nude love scenes and the Estonian accent)shows, but Pitt manages to hold his own well. This film is for many Pitt buffs who like him in anything he stars in...with exception of SNATCH, but that's another review. _Contains nudity, profanity, violence, and comedic sex. Parents Strongly Cautioned._

**RAPTURE IN BLUE AND RED,** _2005, starring Bridget Fonda, Mark Wahlberg, Jet Li, and Dwayne Johnson. Directed by John Woo. Rated PG-13._ A reunion of sorts for Fonda and Li, who did KISS OF THE DRAGON four years ago, in basically the same kind of thriller only with a time difference. The movie is set in late 19th Century Japan just as it was making itself more open to foreigners. Fonda plays the American ambassador's daughter who is kidnapped by forces of a warlord who doesn't wish for his country's continued good relations with 'the barbarians'. Her fiancé (Wahlberg) teams up with an Imperial Palace guard (Li) and a never-do-well Scotsman (Johnson) to search the countryside for his lover and take down the warlord's army any way he can. The fight scenes alone are poetry in motion, even when the acting is more like a lead balloon at times. Johnson does his best work in that time here, mastering the accent, the language, and the martial arts with near uncanny precision. Li was so impressed with his co-star, he insisted on making him the lead in his directing debut a year later entitled HONG KONG MELODIES, a comedic action farce based in 1920s Hong Kong. Fonda's a little too old to play young belles by this time (she was about 40 at this time.), but her beauty shines well in the background. Wahlberg has some trouble making his fight scenes convincing, but for the most part he pulls it off. This is an action adventure free-for-all, one of the more better written and performed films of its type at the time. Fans will not be disappointed. _Contains brief nudity, violence, profanity, and racial slurs. Parental guidance is recommended for up to 15 year olds._

**************************************************

**FEATURES**

**_HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY_**

**_By SHNAPZIE_**

So, you're relaxing in your building (either legally or illegally) when you realize that your exterminator was probably a bit tipsy when he fumigated it. You hear a horrible squeeek and see a set of evil red eyes. But instead of totally flipping out over the rat, you whistle. And around the corner comes a flying ball of fur with four legs. It grabs the rat around the neck, trots over into the hall, and deposits it in the apartment of nosy Mrs. Lumberghini down the hall who so foolishly left her door open.

Isn't this a pleasant fantasy? Well, here's how you turn this fantasy into reality. There's a little studio down in sector 2 called "Canine Companions for the Concerned-About-Hanta-Virus Citizen." The gentleman you find there runs a vigorous dog training program for any who can afford his price: $1000, a bottle of pre-pulse wine, or news of government conspiracies.

So run down to the local animal shelter and pick up your new pet. Then send him to school. It's a handy investment--he'll get rid of rats, provide you with heat at night, and serve as a garbage disposal. And if you need to feel good about yourself, you've also saved a life.

**_DESERT RUNNER_**

**_By Cherokee128_**

Muscles rippling in streaming sunlight 

Dancing a dance a thousand years old 

Running or freedom, running for life 

Pounding the ground running faster than light 

He stops suddenly, dirt flies up, spraying the sky 

I see a gleam in his eyes 

A danger, a warning, calling me in 

Then he turns and runs off into the setting sun 

I stand and watch, frozen to the spot where I first found myself 

Than a piercing whinny breaks my silence, and I know I am home. **__**

**_HOROSCOPES_**

Today if you're an _ARIES_

You'll be eaten by canaries

While if you're a Pisces

Expect unending crises

And be careful about who you marries.

If you're one of the chorus

Whose sign is _TAURUS_

Your day will be full

So don't take no bull

Especially if your boss is named Boris.

Its big trouble you're in

Ms. _GEMINI_ twin

Ask any pundit

You shouldn't have doned it

Heaven only knows where it's been.

_CANCER_: Happy Birthday to you...you may have heard this recently or are going to hear it soon. Don't expect everyone to get you the perfect gift (or any gift). Nowrelax and have a good time while it lasts.

_LEO_ The positioning of Mercury bodes ill for bodily issues. This is not a good time to visit a doctor, hospital, or back-alley practitioner. Keep tabs on your internal organs and avoid anyone carrying a scalpel. Best day to change residences: Monday. Best day to eat chicken: Thursday. Lucky numbers: 1 14 82 -14 43

_VIRGO:_ The planets advise you to pitch in with the gardening this months as all of your property will be covered in 12" of water. You will feel a bit weird in the coming days as you have been relaxing too much recently with a close Cancer friend. It is a great time for: Kissing turkeys. Best chat up line to use: 'I've lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?' and 'My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't keep it in.'

_LIBRA:_ Due to the shift in the Earth's position in the universe and the complete mess-up of stars this is a good time to practice earthquake drills. Remember to wear A LOT of sweaters this month because you will be going to a very cold place very soon. Black is your color this month, and don't hold back on the tears.Best sport to play: American wrestling. Best time to buy a tea bag

strainer:Tomorrow night at 5:07pm.

If you're a _SCORPIO_, rejoice

raise up your voice

join your company band

as your boss demands

tomorrow you won't have a choice.

Today is your day, _SAGGITARIUS_

For being a little bit nefarious

Act like a jerk

Stay home from work

And bother your favorite Aquarius.

_CAPRICORN_: If you are reading this something is very, VERY wrong. According to the stars you should be dead or in a coma.

Warning : _AQUARIUS_

Your day is precarious

Stay away from ladders

And all important matters

Especially those involving Sagittarius.

_PISCES_: Do to the shift in the lunar/solar pattern, you will become... IRESISTABLE! You will make a Leo's lucky day, but watch out for those pesky Libras. Best day to brush teeth:Saturday. Worst day to smile: Friday.

**************************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

USED wheelchair for sale: Ultra-lightweight, black Quickie GPS, like new, used for less than a yr. Also basketball wheelchair, used only once. Contact Logan, Fogle Towers Seattle.

WANTED Medical equipment. Working or near-working condition.No questions asked, top prices paid.Contact Dr. John Smith, 555-1847.

FOUND: Large box containing thousands of marbles.Please send inquiries to blind box 342.


	9. Ninth Edition: Blah Blah Woof Woof

DAF9

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**[http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem][1]**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._****

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Managing Editor: Samcrazy**

**General Editor: Ewachsmuth**

**Opinion Editor: Shnapzie**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchives**

**Contributing Reporter: April (X5422)**

**Contributing Reporter: 727Angel**

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: Cdrcool**

**Contributing Reporter: Dark_Fairy**

****************************************************

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_HUNDREDS OF WOMEN TURNED IN FOR $50,000_**

**_By Ewachsmuth_**__

If you have dark hair, brown eyes, and full lips, watch out, there's a $50,000 reward out for you. It doesn't matter if you actually committed the crime or not, as hundreds of young women are learning all across the Seattle area. 

At all Seattle precincts, young women have been turned in to the police. Some are captured and turned in by complete strangers and others by family members. It would seem like there are a lot of young dark-haired women out there whom people believe are capable of committing murder. And why not? This is the post pulse depression, which has been known to drive people to commit acts they would not otherwise commit. 

Women of all sorts have been brought in from prostitutes to nuns, and not one of them was discovered to be this mysterious murdering femme fatale. Each of the girls were led to get the finger prints and photos taken before being tossed into a holding cell to await identification by a military contingent. 

Interviews have been attempted with this mysterious militia; however, some 

reporters have been shot while attempting to press the issue. 

The accused have been more than willing to tell their side of the story. 

"I turned myself in," said one young woman, who had blonde hair. "Told 'em 

I'd worn me a wig. They gave me food and a clean place to sleep. There's this 

one lady what owns a sales business and I got me a job." 

Said another woman who had just recently been released, "My boyfriend turned 

me in. I tell you, I've never murdered no one in my life, but I'm about to." 

SHOOTOUT AT SOUTH MARKET

**_By Samcrazy_**

Seattle's police were in action two days ago when a wanted criminal was spotted down at South Market.As soon as the police were alerted, three squad cars appeared on the scene, along with several unmarked jeeps and one unmarked car.An eyewitness speculates which department the mysterious units came from.

"Well, from what I could see the jeeps were filled with soldiers in camouflage uniforms, they were really organized, they spread out with guns and everything…I suspected that this was an FBI thing, or maybe a new faction trying to crack down on post-Pulse crime"

The alleged soldiers cordoned off the area and the police set up an outer perimeter.From an inside source in the police department we were informed that the criminal was on the divisions wanted list, after a Mr. Vogelsang, a Laundromat owner (and side-private investigator, according to sources) died mysteriously.An eye-witness described the suspect, and a poster was placed all around Seattle, with a reward on the capture of the female.

No one was allowed outside the perimeter until the criminal was apprehended.This saga continued for three hours until a police department in the west of the city reported that the felon had given himself in.Strange enough, our reliable source in the police department had informed us that it was the young woman on the posters, but eyewitnesses saw a man being taken into a helicopter, and an on-site cop told a 'Streets' reporter:

"We were sharp enough down here at the Seattle police department to capture this wanted offender.He was so intimidated about all the forces we had sent out that he gave himself in for the murder of Mr. Vogelsang"

When told about the conflicting reports that it was a female felon the cops were after, the now rather embarrassed officer said he had 'no further comment'.

The people out for their daily shop were relieved after all the police left, 16 year-old Martha Brand told us how she felt.

"I was like, really frightened you know?There were cops 'n soldier-like people swarming all over the stalls 'n stuff.I saw loads of cops lookin' like, under grates and behind dumps for this person.You know, I was worried 'cos the woman on the pictured looked a little like me, you know?I had the lips and the eyes…I was tempted to hand myself in for all the cash!"

After a foul up from the police we are left wondering, was this a cover up?Did the cop department in fact _lose _the female offender and have to replace her with another felon from the slammer?Why were unmarked jeeps sent to apprehend the criminal she/he?

This reporter hates lose ends, but there is no further information to go on.Many strange things happen in Seattle nowadays, and I will try to get to the bottom of most of them.But this one remains a mystery.

****************************************************

**NATIONAL NEWS**

**_FORT KNOX FRAUD_**

**_By Crdrcool_**

Sources within the US federal government have unveiled a conspiracy that rocked the world. The US government had been developing synthetic gold for the past few months and passing it off as the federal stash in Fort Knox in order to fund what little remains of the federal branch.

This new and pioneering procedure converts a certain isotope of mercury into it's heavy, solid and shiny next door neighbor. It is reportedly undetectably different from natural sources of gold. All hopes to piece together the last surviving branch of the federal government(the judicial branch) now appears to be going down the toilet along with the hopes of a reunited states. 

The price of gold reportedly went through the floor as news of this fraud spread to the European and Asian stock markets. The once universal currency is now useless and the dips in the markets are expected to continue to expand. The price of platinum, silver, and bronze also skyrocketed giving very little relief to the steep recessive period. 

_There was an institution, Fort Knox _

_That kept fake gold in a box _

_The fraud was discovered _

_And having been uncovered _

_Gold is now as valuable as I.B.M. stocks _

_DAF9_

**_NEW SECTOR POLICE WEAPON FAILS IN THE FIELD TRAILS, KILLS SEVEN IN EXPLOSION_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

Apparently, not all of the new weapons in the Sector Police arsenal have been working as well as their Hoverdrones lately. In a riot in downtown Cleveland last week, a separatist protest turned tragic as an experimental sonic pulse gun exploded. The blast killed the owner, three of his fellow officers, and three protesters, while shattering windows and cracking masonry for a five-hundred-foot radius. Injuries have been in the hundreds, ranging from cuts and bruises from the falling debris to shattered eardrums and partial to complete deafness. The total list ofcasualties will be presented to the public after the Sector Police Internal Affairs Division completes its investigation.

According to information obtained by anonymous sources, the weapon in question was Smith and Wesson's newest gun, the Move-A-Long 626, one of the latest experiments in non-lethal sonic combat. The device, when properly used, emits a high frequency burst of sound that can stun and subdue any individual or group not protected by Class 3 Sound Suppression Gear. The device can also disable the electronics of a moving vehicle or shatter windows at its highest setting. The gun company, recently experiencing a high windfall of profit due to the worldwide tension in such trouble spots as the Republic of Alaska and the A.B.C. (Argentina, Brazil, and Chile) Conflict, had touted the Move-A-Long as a 'peaceful' weapon and had hoped to quell protests from such groups as Amnesty International who had accused the gun maker of 'feeding the beast of tyranny'. The Move-A-Long was sold to Sector Police Districts in Ohio, Illinois, Virginia, and Oregon on a test basis before worldwide distribution.

The incident in question was one of the many protests staged by the separatist group Canadian Union, which advocates the secession of the industrial Midwest of America into an alliance with Canada. Canadian Union has been a major thorn in the side of the Midwest Military Authority and Ohio's Governor Lance 'Bulldog' Cummings, whose anti-protest protocols have been condemned even by this country's General Military Command for being too extremist. Cummings has been cited as a catalyst for at least five riots in the past three years, resulting in the deaths of 1,500 protesters, Sector Police officers, and bystanders. He is presently under indictment by the Hague's Human Rights Court as a possible accomplice to the murder of Irish Television News reporter Sandra Simmons, who died after submitting a news report about his handling of the Arkon Massacre of 2015. By some eyewitness accounts, the protest were about to become violent when the officer handling the Move-A-Long screamed about the weapon being on fire and telling everyone to 'hit the f*cking dirt!' prior to the explosion. Later reports had the protesters storming the barricade and damaging the weapon in the melee. The Sector Police are presently interviewing all surviving witnesses and its own weapon specialists for a more detailed assessment of the riot.

Smith and Wesson Spokesman Arthur Heston presented videos of the Move-A-Long trials and its stats as a 'safe' weapon in a press junket two days after the incident. Mr. Heston assured the reporters that the weapon experienced some defect in its coolant coil and 'such overheating is not uncommon in such devices where ill trained individuals sometimes push them beyond their limits.' (At a separate press conference in Geneva, Switzerland following the incident, Amnesty International spokesperson Tabitha Soren voiced the concerns that the Move-A-Long 'could've been easily converted into a weapon of mass destruction. The explosion in Cleveland clearly shows Smith and Wesson had more than just a so-called humanitarian purpose for the gun.')

For the moment, all remaining Move-A-Longs have been locked down and disarmed prior to the finished hearings. Sector Police have been informed not to use the weapon under any circumstances or allow it to fall into the wrong hands. Any stolen Move-A-Longs stolen have been classed as a Type 5 Violation of the Martial Law Code, garnering an automatic on the spot death penalty for possession of a weapon of mass destruction. All civilians are urged to report any sightings of a Move-A-Long immediately to their nearest Sector Police officer.

**_IS EVOLUTION FOR THE BIRDS?_**

**_By Daf9_**

A furor arose today at the 80th annual meeting of the Society of Vertebrate Paleontology being held at the University of Washington. The equanimity of this normally sedate group of scientists was severely tested during a keynote presentation by Dr. Malcolm Saunders titled " The discovery of co-mingled canine and apatasaur remains in Utah". Briefly, Dr. Saunders reported that while excavating the fossilized remains of a particularly fine specimen of Apatosaurus a number of other bones were discovered that were later identified to be those of a domesticated canine; a French poodle to be precise. 

Carbon dating indicated that this was not a hoax: the French poodle and the apatosaur had indeed co-existed; throwing almost two hundred years of evolutionary theory into total chaos. Until this discovery modern dogs were believed to have first evolved around 40 million years ago while the last apatosaur vanished from the earth more than 150 million years ago. Scientists attending the meeting refused to comment but to a man (and woman) they looked shaken and pale upon leaving the building. The remainder of the meeting was quietly cancelled as the scientists returned to their homes to ponder this startling development. ****

****************************************************

**INTERNATIONAL NEWS**

**_MORE ACTRESSES FESS UP TO GENETUCKING. HOLLYWOOD UP IN ARMS._**

**_By Weirdarchive_**__

The new dirty little secret in the Hollywood Expatriate Community is genetucking and from the fallout of Denise Richards and Neve Campbell's admission comes more stunning news as other actresses from the late 80s and 90s come forward.

A list of actresses and actors who have been genetucked to reverse the aging process was submitted to SAG Europe Headquarters today. In an ongoing investigation into the abuses of cosmetic genetic engineering being conducted by the Genetics Safety Enforcement Division of the World Health Organization, no less than thirty well known actresses and fifteen actors have been identified as either being the direct client of an illegal genetucking facility like the Eros Clinic or have refered others to such clinics. While the names have been kept out of public eyes for reasons of privacy, a number of actresses have given surprise press conferences to denounce those who have genetucked...or confess their guilt of genetucking. One of these confessions was made by Latin actress Jennifer Lopez in her retreat in the Free Mexican State of Yucatan.

At her press conference, a teary eyed Lopez told a stunned assembly about her five year patronage to the Everyouth Underground, a rogue clinic established in the Free Mexican States which was officially a complex catering to the health conscious mega-rich using the still unapproved method of genetic liposuction, a process where the body's own immune cells are used to metabolize fat away without surgery. Though officially aged at 50, Lopez looked more like 30 as she gave details about how her genetic code was manipulated to correct damage caused by time and living and increase the production of healthy new cells to replace those that were lost. "You have no idea of the pains I went through to look like this." ,Lopez pointed to her face. "If you think it's just needles and serums, you're sadly mistaken. I have been made an addict to maintain this form. I'm not even human anymore. I have to live on living protein now...just like a vampire." She then named several other clients of the Everyouth, including former hip-hop star Eminem (nee Marshall Bruce Mathers III), actor Tom Cruise, actress Thora Birch, and actor/director Seann William Scott. Officials from the G.S.E.D. then escorted Lopez out of the building.

Another press conference did not end as intended for another actress in a Tokyo hotel. Piper Perabo, officially aged 43, was in the middle of her confession of genetucking (this time to an unnamed London clinic), when she started to go into convulsions. Reporters raced to her side to help, but they were suddenly tossed around the room like rag dolls when Perabo reemerged as a ranting wild woman. She had grown a full foot in height with an abnormal amount of muscle tissue bulging out and ribbing her dress. Her fingernails had also grown three to five inches and her eyes, as one witness put it, 'went bugf*ck green.' She then rampaged out of the conference and climbed up the elevator shaft to the roof. According to witnesses, Perabo began attacking the pentihouse occupants with intent of eating their livers. Special police troops and members of the Toyko Animal Control Bureau had to resort to tasers and tranquilizers to subdue the woman, along with three others who were infected by her bite and had started to display similar traits. The body count stands at fifteen dead and ten injured, seven of them were lucky enough to merely suffer broken bones and concussions. The remaining individuals are presently under quarantine and armed guard pending blood tests. There is no further word of Perabo's present condition or that of her living victims.

While some Hollywood Expatriates have been quick to reveal their part in the growing genetucking scandal, others have been equally quick in condemning the hysteria. A group of actors and actresses including Chris Klein, Anne Hathaway, Mandy Moore, Jason Biggs, have issued a joint statement denouncing the ongoing genetucking expose as 'Gene Tide witch-hunting'. Speaking from his Malta estate, Klein expressed his disgust of the manner the press has handled the affair and hinted at a civil lawsuit against those press members to sold their videos of the Perabo news conference to the tabloids. "I'm not a genetuck junkie," ,he proclaimed. "But I'm not about to feed the fire to this new Holocaust. People like Jenny and Piper need our help, not our hate." That could be little comfort to those who have suffered side effects from genetucking like his former AMERICAN PIE co-star Shannon Elizabeth. She had made a videotape of herself, documenting her stay at an undisclosed clinic and how her brief restored beauty resulted into horrible consequences. The tape, submitted to the major news services, leaves little to the imagination as Elizabeth strips off her body suit to reveal scales growing out of her skin. Her tail bone was literally becoming a tail as her hair fell off in clumps and she started to slur her speech. Her teeth were falling off, replaced with fangs, and she started to chase around anything that moved...including a cat that was unfortunately killed and eaten. In the last vestiges of humanity, she grabbed a knife and tried to slit her own throat. Later, police raided her home and found what was left of the actress in a cocoon, turning into something beyond description. Members of the G.S.E.D. immediately carted the cocoon away for study. There has been no further word of her condition or whether she's alive.

The G.S.E.D. has established a hotline for people who may have been genetucked or have worked for any of the clinics to call in case they're suffering from the after effects of a genetic enhancement. Potential victims are urged to stayed in a secure area and not allow others to touch them or to be touched until the proper authorities arrive. The phone number to the G.S.E.D Gentuck Taskforce is 1-866-RED-MODE. For the moment, the WHO has not suggested establishing an international quarantine since most of the genetuck victims have been the ultra rich and may not have been exposed to the general public. The United Nations General Assembly in Toronto are meeting in emergency session to assess the situation.

****************************************************

**MEDICINE**

**_DOLLY THE SHEEP MEET ASHLEY AND MARY-KATE_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

Is nothing in this world sacred?When we thought we had something to depend on, this reporter discovers a fact that destroys it from the ground up.A reliable informant, whose life work has been dedicated to cracking the human genetic code (in a project called GEMONE), has discovered something _horrible _and disturbing.The stars of the hit comedy series 'Full House," and later "Two of a Kind' has turned out to be nothing but a genetic joke!The two troublesome but loveable twins have had a made many successful films, all based upon their fabulous show of slapstick comedy (and occasional heartfelt romance), that they have earned a special place in people's hearts.But after a shock report from a person who, for safety purposes has chosen to be called Mr. X, he unraveled a conspiracy that has been around for close to 30 years.

While looking through a report on the cloning of two mice called Benjy and Franky, he read a subheading describing a previous (successful) experiment involving a human subject.It listed a file number, so Mr. X chose to look it up.When he discovered the file, which was marked TOP SECRET DO NOT OPEN UNLESS 'PASSPORT TO PARIS' IS NOT A SUCCESS he found something that has hit hard-core fans of the 'Olsen' twins hard.The original twin was cloned on request of their biological father, who when interviewed had 'no comment'.The two darling twins were taken into hiding along with only half of their wardrobe and a television so they could watch 'Two of a Kind' reruns.It seems that they wish to hide from the public eye, who are now asking, 'How did it happen?' and 'Who's the fake?'

The first question seems simple to answer.We got a profession to explain it to us, in particular to this reporter who is still reeling from the terrible news.

Daphne Nine-O, a geneticist who describes herself as being a grouchy homeowner and a person who has had a lab accident in the last five years but didn't bother to call Claims Direct because she doesn't like soccer, says this about the twins:

"'This is a classic case of 'fame-itis'.When the original twin was born he saw a lovable terror, who when put in the right situation, like that one from the episode when she wants to go to Corrie's party but can't because her father doesn't want her going to a college do, you know, that one?Anyway, he though, why have one when two cute twins could earn me double?So, he used his 'connections' to find the number of a top-secret research facility, which had rumors attached to it that it was experimented with gene manipulation, and after intensive (but top-secret, don't forget top-secret) talks and _a lot _of bribery, they agreed to clone the original child and then, as an added bonus, change the first kid so she will look even more sickly sweet then she does already.And all during this time, the father was ignoring the wishes of the mother, who didn't want to have two children after reading an article in 'New Woman' magazine about how annoying two identical twins can be.As you might of guessed, they went along with the procedure and now we have two of them."

The second question is harder to answer, as this information is super-duper top secret.And this reporter has been advised to 'leave it alone' by a member of the news staff, who is a real hardcore fan.He describes their acting as being 'wonderfully realistic and entertaining.I believed them through and through.They're Ultra Magnetic!' I quote.He doesn't want either girl's reputation to be damaged by this report, but by not speculating this report damages both their reputations, this I pointed out to him but he just stuck his fingers in his ears and started humming.

Is this the first of many cases of genetic manipulation? Or are other stars of other TV shows such as 'Sister Sister' and 'Big Bear in the Big Blue House' also results of tampering with nature?How can we ever tell?

To finish up this report, we went out onto the street and asked how the people are coping with this news.

Zing-Wit Lemon says: 'I loved those twins, I don't see how anyone can look at one of their shows without asking himself or herself, 'what is the world coming to?'

Kerry Onlafing says: 'Maybe genetic manipulation explains their acting' (this reporter had to be restrained from attacking this girl)

Toby Ornotobe: 'NO!!! NO!!!! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!' (Then he ran off crying like a baby)

Rosie Cheeks: 'I'm seeing a therapist, it's just such a shock…I mean _Mary-Kate and Ashley _being fiddled with at birth…I, I…need to be alone'

Mary Goround: 'the news got me right where it hurts, you know…right here…I loved Mary-Kate.But she could be the fake one…now I don' know whom to trust…'

Ria Lee-Upset: 'My brother and I can't put our shock into words.So we won't'

There is corruption all around us.But it has just reached a new level.This is a plea from this reporter's heart, don't mess with genetics.We may just end up with a two-headed cow or something. 

**_THE HIDDEN DANGERS OF HUMAN ADULT STEM CELLS_**

**_By Daf9_**

The National Institutes of Health and the AMA issued a joint statement today calling for an immediate halt to all human adult stem cell research. Research into the medical use of adult stem cells was driven primarily by the ban on embryonic stem cell research that was issued at the turn of the century. Although this research was initially hampered by the very low numbers ofstem cells present in adults, new techniques for concentrating and harvesting these cells have largely overcome this problem. However, scientists from the Mayo Clinic reported in this week's Lancet that while adult stem cells, like embryonic stem cells offer potential cures for Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and diabetes, the adult cells appear to be responsible for a troubling rise in the incidence of medical problems amongst stem cell recipients. 

Studies performed at the Mayo Clinic suggest that unlike embryonic stem cells, the adult cells (unless maintained under extremely precise culture conditions) have a tendency to promote increased blood clotting upon injection into patients. This increased clotting causes cerebral aneurysms or stroke. 

Like many scientific discoveries this one arose serendipitously as the result of some undergraduate research being performed in the laboratory by a young student named Ben [last name withheld at the request of government authorities]. Although only a student, Ben was the first scientist to discover how to grow adult stem cells in culture so as to maintain their pluripotency. His intense interest in this problem was apparently based on what his mentors considered his unusual preoccupation with the idea of using adult stem cells to grow teeth in the laboratory. On the weekend prior to the first surgery scheduled to implant these cultured teeth into a patient the research came to an abrupt end when both Ben and the teeth vanished. Subsequently, other students in the laboratory who continued to use Ben's adult stem cell cultures made the discovery described in the Lancet report. 

Several doctors asked by the 'Streets of Seattle' to comment on this latest wrinkle in stem cell research, expressed their concern that this new ban would fuel an increase in the unauthorized creation of human embryos in vitrofor the sole purpose of harvesting stem cells. The same doctors dismissed aswild rumor the unconfirmed report that embryonic stem cells have been found in adult blood in a few rare individuals. 

**_SERIOUSLY ILL PATIENT ALMOST DIES DUE TO MEDICAL ERROR_**

**_By Daf9_**

Local medical officials were shocked to learn a man almost died at Metro Medical Hospital this week because of an error any high school freshman could have caught. This error was in fact caught by a high school freshman working as a volunteer in the blood bank. The patient was brought into the hospital in a comatose state having suffered a sudden arterial rupture as a late complication of a previous traumatic injury. After controlling the bleeding, his doctor wanted to transfuse him but because his rare blood type AB- was not available in the blood bank at the time, the doctor was prepared to let the man bleed to death! Luckily for this particular patient an unidentified friend showed up at the hospital and performed a direct blood transfusion. Apparently she told the patient that she was a universal donor. Whole blood donation is an extremely dangerous thing to do without testing blood compatibility first since in addition to the common ABO and Rh factors that are found in red blood cells and serum respectively, there are a number of other potential sources of blood incompatibility in whole blood that are not a problem in packed red blood cells which is what the patient probably should have received. Fortunately for both the patient and the hospital, which could have been looking at a major lawsuit, the patient survived the unorthodox transfusion procedure. 

When the case was presented at Grand Rounds several days later the high school student volunteer stood up and explained to the board-certified surgeon that while AB- is the rarest blood type; present in less than 2% of the American population, an AB- patient can be transfused with ANY OTHER Rh- blood type; ie any A-, B- or O- individual. 15-16% of Americans are Rh-. Furthermore as a male, he could also be transfused with Rh+ red blood cells if Rh- cells were not available as transfusing an Rh- individual with Rh+ red blood cells only creates a serious problem in women of child bearing years. As the student explained to the audience AB- means the person has an antigen called A and an antigen called B on their red blood cells but does not have an antigen called Rh in the blood serum (hence the negative sign). O means you express neither the A nor the B antigen. If your blood carries a particular antigen then you will be able to tolerate redblood cells carrying that antigen. Transfusion with blood carrying an A or B antigen not expressed by your own blood cells will cause the blood in your veins and arteries to coagulate and will kill you very quickly. O- individuals express none of those antigens and thus are universal donors; their blood being tolerated by people of any other blood type. O- is only slightly more common than AB-; being present in about 4% of the population. Thus if you require a whole blood transfusion you are less likely to find a donor if you are O- than if you are AB-. Upon hearing this recital by the 14 year old, the surgeon turned beet-red and left the room without speaking. ****

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**EDITORIAL**

**_SHARING  
_****_By Shnapzie_**  
Everyone knows how worthless the government is. The higher-ups in the bureaucracy have no sense of justice, integrity, or gratitude. We all endure it, and the lesser or greater effects it has on our lives. 

Certain people, however, deserve better treatment than that. Veterans, preeminently. They gave their best for America, and in many cases were seriously wounded physically or psychologically in the process. But tragically, these disabled veterans have a worse plight than the average   
citizen.

In the workplace today, with unemployment higher than it's ever been, it's almost impossible for the disabled to find a job. Without work, they are unable to finance the lifestyle changes their infirmities require. And the government provides them with no monetary compensation whatsoever.

Some veterans have found a workable, albeit inconvenient, solution. Many of them will pool their money to purchase a single wheelchair, set of crutches, etc. and then will use these items on a time-share basis. But having only a limited amount of time to utilize this equipment makes finding employment even more difficult than they already have it.

And some veterans have resorted to begging, relying on the goodness of others, to survive. That's the saddest of all. "The goodness of others" is in short supply these days, and so many vets die of hunger and/or exposure if they must resort to this method.

Someday, courageous people of America will once again be needed to fight for their country. And it wouldn't surprise me that when that time comes, the citizenry will say "Stick it!"****

****************************************************

**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editer 

Me 'n the boys down at Joe's bar and gun emporium were reading yer article in last weeks edition about them Alaskans. Nuke em back to the Stone Age. That's what our government would do if they weren't all a bunch of wusses! 

REd-neck reader 

PS Make them give us back our money first. 

To the editor 

I am writing to complain about an article in last week's edition about turning your feet into cash. As President-Elect-for-Life of the Association of Diabetics who have lost one or both feet to gangrene I wish to protest on behalf of our membership against this flagrant discrimination against the footless. You will be hearing from our lawyers as soon as they can figure out how to enter your non-handicap accessible building. 

Dear Editor;

I was at my local carnival, and they had this booth.You could have your picture put on the cover of a fake edition of Streets of Seattle.So I had one done saying I was Seattle's Most Wanted, 'cause my girlfriend thought it was cute, right?Anyway, I lost it, and the next thing I know some stupid Sector cop got hold of it, and he's hunting me down.This guy's too dumb to check the computer at the precinct, he thinks he'll get some big promotion if he catches me.Could you please tell him it was a joke, so I can go back home?

Thanks,

Steve Jones

_Editor's note: to the Sector Police representative in question: the edition you found was indeed a joke.We have checked into the situation, and Mr. Jones is no one's "Most Wanted."_

****************************************************

**FEATURES**

**_CHEAP WEDDINGS_**

**_By Dark_Fairy_**

If you are planning a wedding soon, and don't have much money, then maybe you should listen to this.Weddings are expensive projects, but if you know the right people, or havethe right ideas, you can have a great wedding and not have to pay much at all. 

Dresses are expensive in Seattle, especially since the Pulse.But in Sally Anne's Dresses, you can buy cheap dresses that have been used only once. 

Flowers are expensive as well, it is very hard to find the perfect flowers in a city.And florists are just getting paid, theydon't seem to care about the flowers. But this spring and summer, Ms. Fletcher has flowers which are magnificent, and cheap! She sells roses for $2 per dozen, and many others for bargains prices. This week only, buy magnolias for only 5 cents each! 

If you need to use the church, its booked up solid for the next year.But you can hitch-hike to Los Vegas and spend all you money at acasino, get drunk, and get married in a CARDBOARD BOX! If Las Vegas isn't for you, you may just want to wait a year until you get money, to afford awedding. 

If you're really desperate to get married, here is some handy hints to savemoney; 

1) Borrow a dress from the store, don't return it. 

2) Instead of flowers, go into the street and get rocks :) 

3) Use cardboard as your seats.. and don't invite you fat aunt Sally. 

4) Don't pay the caterer. 

5) Go to your family and borrow money, spend the money on alcohol for the bachelor/ bachelorette party. 

6) Make a mud cake instead of a wedding cake, claim you like dark chocolate

better. 

7) Make a wedding dress out of toilet paper, just don't spill ANYTHING on it. 

8) On your bachelor/ette party, have your fiancé do the dancing. 

9) Tape the radio's music, for your wedding. 

10) Why get married in the first place, you won't have to pay anything, and you won't have to worry about going to court if you need to get a divorce. 

This reporter, reports that if you want a good wedding, but can't afford it, get a loan from the bank, or borrow money from family. 

**_PASSING AS A CANADIAN, PART 3_**

**_By Daf9_**

So far in this course we have covered Canadian money, eating tiny donuts and putting ketchup on eggs. By now you're probably wondering what can possibly be left to learn about passing as a Canadian. 

Two things. Hockey and hockey. Every Canadian male over the age of 3 owns a pair of skates...and unless you're an Olympic speed skater they'd better be hockey skates! 

And in the same vein, if an RCMP officer looking for illegal immigrants stops you on the street and asks you to sing the Canadian national anthem do NOT start singing "O Canada". The correct response is to start humming the music from "Hockey Night in Canada". If asked who the first Canadian Prime Minister was.... Don't reply with the apparently correct response "Mackenzie King". No, no, no. The correct answer is actually either Foster Hewitt (HNIC's announcer for many years) or Johnny Bower (a goalie for the Maple Leafs from way back when). And when giving the officer a friendly grin and a "keep your stick on the ice", make sure you are sporting a black eye, cut lip, at least one missing or broken tooth or some other sign of having been in a recent hockey game. 

**_ODDITIES_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

So you are sitting in your dumpy apartment on that torn up piece of smelly furniture you call your couch. And suddenly you hear an odd noise, but don't worry, that is just the cats up stairs mating again. But wait, there! Violins... or or....some kinda of music? You go to investigate and find a two headed cricket playing Beethoven's 2nd symphony. No, you are not imagining things. The local science lab was experimenting with DNA and unfortunately for the crickets, the tests went awry. The crickets managed to get out of their cages and are running wild in the city. These creepy crawlies are smart and they can play one h*ll of a dueling banjo. If you see one of these crickets, do not attempt to capture it. Call the local science lab at 555-6789. 

If you have something odd you would like to share, contact Logans_babe at SOS. 

**_ODDBALLS_**

Remember that long piece of card board that just happened to make its way into the alley out back? Take it and fold it twice (so that it is in thirds) then simply stand it in the middle of your room and voila! Two rooms for the price of one. (just don't tell your landlord, he might want to charge you for it!) If you get seriously inspired, you can always use paints to spruce it up a bit. _Logans_Babe _

Need a cradle for your blessed event? The box from your color television makes an excellent substitute. Need an entire room? The packaging from your home entertainment system will provide your baby with all the room he or she will need until he goes off to college._Daf9 _

Tired of eating cold food?Ovens are expensive, even second-hand, and hot plates are in short supply.But every thrift store has a good supply of barely-used irons at bargain prices.Pick up some tinfoil or even scrap sheet metal, and you can create hot meals ranging from grilled cheese to Pop-N-Fresh biscuits to crispy bacon.Just don't use the iron on your clothes afterward, or you'll be followed around by dogs. _Jennem11_

****************************************************

**FOOD**

**_WHINING FOR WINE_**

**_By Ewachsmuth_**

The multitude of pre-pulse wines is no longer available in America today. The prices, like most pricing in America, has skyrocketed and only the very rich can afford pre or post pulse wine. Still, there are alternatives. 

The first is to steal it, not a good alternative as there are some tedious repercussions. The second is to make it yourself. A good winer can either buy the ingredients, which would cost almost as much as the bottle of wine itself, steal them, find a fruit orchard, or make do with market or restaurant refuse. 

The simple formula for fermentation is: SUGAR + YEAST = ALCOHOL + CARBON DIOXIDE (CO2). Sugar and yeast are present naturally in ripe grapes and fruit, but you may need more. This natural yeast is killed when the alcohol level reaches 4% by volume, and if you desire your wine to be stronger, you will wish to find extra yeast and sugar. If you find it difficult to procure the necessary ingredients, it might be helpful to find a partner who will aid you in doing so. 

As you make the wine, remember to keep all equipment as clean as possible or you will ruin the flavor. 

Wine making procedures: 

1. Boil the fruit in a non metal and non earthenware container. 

2. In a plastic bucket with a lid, smash the fruit until it is just pulp and juice. Extract seeds. 

3.Add non-chlorinated water. Let it sit for a day. 

4. Add the required amounts of sugar and yeast and allow the must to ferment in the bowl, for approximately 10 - 20 days, in a warm place, at° around 65° - 75°F. Stir the must regularly with wooden spoon or clean stick. 

5. The actual start of fermentation will take place within two days and this will be noticeable from the layer of foam and bubbles that develops on the surface of the must. 

6. Strain the must into a glass jar with a pair of clean old nylons. Fit a fermentation trap and fill the jar to within an inch of the bottom of the bung. Temperature should be at approximately 60°F, for this second stage of fermentation. Fermentation will now take place at a much slower pace and will proceed for several weeks, until all bubbling ceases. 

7. Siphon the cleared wine to remove the yeast deposits from the bottom of the jar. This process should be repeated about a month later and usually a third siphoning is recommended, after a further three weeks. 

8. You can drink your wine when it is approximately six weeks old. 

9. If you bottle it, cork it securely. Bottles should then be stored on their sides, out of direct sunlight, in a vibration-free environment at a temperature of around 50°F. 

A third alternative would be to procure a bottle of juice, let it sit in the sun for two weeks, strain it, let it sit in a cold dark place for four weeks, and drink. It doesn't taste as good as alternatives one and two, but it's still fermented. 

Good luck to all winers! 

****************************************************

**NEIGHBORHOOD**

**_POLICE REPORT_**

_Saturday, 2PM_ Police responded to a call that a neighbor's party was tooloud. Arrived to find the neighbors, two juvenile females holding a "tea party," playing a music box. Caller was arrested for making an unnecessary complaint. 

_Saturday 11PM_ Sector police were called to investigate a loud party at Fogle Towers. Upon arrival police found many of the occupants of the apartment in possession of suspicious substances. These were removed to police lock-up from which they mysteriously disappeared. Curiously, the following day 90% of the precinct called in sick with Balkan War syndrome. IAD is investigating.

_Thursday 3AM_ A gang war erupted into the streets wounding 2 innocent bystanders and killing 3 gang members. Officer Robert Trident was first on the scene and was gunned down in cold blood. Police are said to be cracking down on the gang element over the next few days. Several suspects are now in custody and being interrogated. 

_Monday, 2AM_ Someone's car could not go through flooding road. It was raining at the time. Three ladies where in the car and we are glad to report that theyare ok, but only one lane was open on Monday which cause a huge traffic jam.

_Monday, 10AM_ Called to Nyquist Alley to control a domestic argument. Wife was battering husband with strange female shoe she found under the bed. Situation rectified when husbandexplained he was a cross-dresser. No arrests made.

_Wednesday 4PM_ Based on a tip from an anonymous source, police managed to apprehend at least two members of the ring of dog breeders/trainers who have been providing Seattle with those infamous chicken-stealing Chihuahuas that have been plaguing the farmers' market and other purveyors of fresh fowl for the past month. When asked by reporters at their arraignment why Chihuahuas and not some larger breed of dog, one of the breeders replied "Well, farmers are suspicious when a large dog approaches one of their booths; Chihuahuas they tend to ignore until its too late." Now the word is out on the Chihuahua, the members of the ring who remain at large will undoubtedly switch to some other breed of dog.

_Thursday,4PM_ A suspect, described as a white male in his late 30's, went into the gas station on the corner of Main St. and 4th St. and threatened the clerk with a knife. The clerk stated that the suspect was upset that his packof M&M's, that he had bought there earlier that day, was not a winner. Police are still looking for the suspect at this time. 

**_CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS_**

Celebrating their birthdays today: 

Jennem1, editor-in-chief of Streets of Seattle 

Linda Carter, pre-Pulse actress best known for her portrayal of Wonder Woman 

Anna Paquin, another pre-Pulse actress and Jennifer Lopez, yet a third actress who by a miracle of modern science is turning 31 yet again. 

Other famous people born on this day: 

Bell Abzug, congresswoman and feminist who would have been 100 years old 

today were she alive. 

Jason Billingsley, the first employee of Starbucks. Since Starbucks and Microsoft merged after the Pulse, creating Microbucks, Mr. Billingsley had been spending his time on the talk show circuit. He would have celebrated his 65th birthday this year had it not been for the unfortunate incident late last month. For legal reasons we are prohibited from discussing it in print. 

****************************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

_For My Angel: Come Back to Me_

In young, great brown eyes 

In the words poured from soft sighs 

There resides her heart 

In her feline sight 

In the vast speed of her flight 

There resides her strength 

In her childhood years 

Locked in corridors of fear 

There resides her pain 

In a lone penthouse 

In the Streets of Seattle 

Here resides her love. 

**Wanted:** To whom I sold my wheelchairs, Due to unforeseen circumstances, I would greatly appreciate your selling them back to me. Unfortunately the family business has been seized and so I can only afford to pay you half as much as you paid me. Thanks! Contact Logan, Fogle Towers, Seattle. AND PLEASE HURRY!!!!

**Wanted:** Snake, preferably poisonous and alive. Needed for a ritualistic cult ceremony. 

**FOR RENT: **Nice two bedroom apartment in Sector 5. Only has minor rodent problem. $400 per month, electricity is $100 extra. Please call, 26537895123670. 

   [1]: http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem



	10. Tenth Edition: 411 on the DL

Dark_Angel_9

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**__

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._****

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Managing Editor: Samcrazy**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Opinions Editor: Shnapzie**

**Contributing Reporter: Dark_Angel_9**

**Contributing Reporter: QMontgomery**

**Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128**

**Contributing Reporter: Dammachine**

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: Darkangelbby**

**********************************************

**LOCAL NEWS__**

**_SECTOR POLICE: HOW TO IMPOUND THE DISHONEST WAY_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

In a shocking tip-off from Eyes Only, we have discovered that various members of the police working in the Sector surveillance department have been impounding vehicles that were safe, by damaging them themselves. There have been scattered reports of this occurrence across Seattle, but the voices were quickly silenced as they realized that nobody cared. But we here at the 'Streets' stand up for what is right, and this reporter can't be silenced. (Easily.)

What can you do when the law turns bad? In these twisted times the sabotaging of a few peoples' vehicles by police officers seems unimportant, but we can all see that this is a slippery slope. With departments like the sector police remaining unchecked by standard commissioners, more cops will believe that destroying rear headlights, brakes and tires is a form of entertainment. There seems to be nothing we can do, for all we know the people who check the police department could be as crooked as the police themselves. 

This paper has uncovered many instances involving the police, and it seems to get worse as time draws on.We did some surveillance on two cops that we have reason to believe are two of these said offenders. We watched them for 24 hours, taking shifts on and off, and we observed that during the day, the two officers (who we won't name) allowed over twenty people pass without a problem, they were even courteous.But come night, there was a transformation in their demeanor.

We watched two cars as they were stopped by the two.One of them passed through safety but the other, which we believe was driven by a youth, had its side view mirror knocked out by one of the officers. He was issued with a fine and told to get out of the car. At around twelve o'clock (midnight) a man on a bike was stopped, seemingly to be the victim of the same injustice. This time the man was pushed off the bike and made to witness his Harley's brake pad pulled off. It was painful to witness.

But we have set up a way to fix this problem. A new organization that will take your report of police abuse and compile a list, then they will send it to the head of the police department in Seattle. We will not stop until this corruption is over. And that may be a long time...

**_BROWNOUT BABIES_**

**_By Darkangelbby_**__

Seattle was struck with yet _another_ brown out. It lasts for 3 hours and 45 minutes. 

That was about 9 months ago. Now, hospitals are being overloaded in the maternity unit. More babies have been born in Seattle in the past few days, then in the entire month of February. 

The question to the readers is this: What is so romantic about having a power outage? Or were you just passing the time till it came back on? 

One woman said, "We were just bored and cold, so we decided to do something about that. Now look at us, WE HAVE **_TRIPLETS!!!_** We'll go hungry! Now I have to give them up!! Bloody f%$#ing brownout!!" 

So there you have it folks. Use protection in brown outs.

_Since the power went away _

_Not a diaper to be had _

_But dry cleaners aren't sad _

_"Babies keep us in business" they say _

_DAF9_

**_THE SHOOTING_**

**_By Dark_Angel_9_**

Janelle Righter was shot down last night.The cloudy night had many secrets to hide.How would she have known her murder was one of those secrets?. She was apparently on a walk like she usually did at night, and was shot by an unknown suspect. 

The gunman has not been traced. Janelle will be in intensive care until the doctors are happy with her recovery. We are allowed to announce that Janelle was shot in the stomach, and her insides were blown. There are some damage to her spinal cord, and they are unsure she will be able to walk again. 

Janelle is unable to explain her side of the story, but several witnesses are going to be helping into the investigation. We were able to track down a Mr. Ryan Senter, who was a witness to this accident. 

"Hello Mr. Senter, I believe you were a witness in last nights terrible accident?" 

"Yes.. and I am willing to give my view of the accident, but don't forget to pay me at the end.." 

"Right.. well what happened?" 

"Well, I was walking Dotty.." 

"Who's Dotty?" 

"My wife.." 

"Ooohkay.." There is a pause. 

"Anyway, I'm walking my wife and.." 

"Do you use a leash to walk your wife?" 

"Don't you want to know about the accident.." 

*I look at him.* 

"Yea, I do use a leash on Dotty.. actually" 

I got him talking about how he treats his wife, so he forgot to ask me to pay him.. But anyway Janelle was released from the hospital later that day, the doctors claiming she had no health insurance. Later that day, Janelle collapsed on her way home, after being shot in the head by guess who? 

I mean it, guess!! Oh, well, it was Ryan Senter, then Ryan tried to put the evidence on Dotty. Ryan is now been placed into the nearest correction facility, and his wife.. has been placed in the pound at her request. 

**********************************************

**NATIONAL NEWS__**

**_IT'S FINALLY OVER_**

**_By Daf9_**

_Washington D.C. _

Their final appeals were exhausted almost six weeks ago, and President Barrows punctuated his emphatic refusal to even consider clemency by spending the entire day on the golf course. Thus at long last, despite personal pleas from the Governor of Alaska and the Canadian Prime Minister, four of the six terrorists found guilty of setting off the EMP back in 2009 were finally put to death today at an undisclosed location. The other two convicted terrorists managed to cheat the government of exacting its punishment. Chakrapani Ahuja was killed in a prison riot shortly after his trial, and Aidan Ryan died of an aortic aneurysm about six months ago. 

Exalted Reverend Samantha Adjia of the Nation of Islam Reformed, formerly the American Pop Culture slave Britney Spears, was present at the executions at the request of the condemned men and women. 

Nadira Hill, who has acted as spokesperson for the prisoners over the last 10 years, had this to say before she was strapped down on the table and administered the lethal injection. "We were only trying to do what the US government tried to do to Microsoft back in 2000. We saw that the US government itself had become so powerful it was on the verge of becoming an economic and political monopoly. Since there was no official legislation in place to deal with anti-trust issues involving entire countries we decided to take matters into our own hands and break it up. Truthfully, our actions succeeded beyond our wildest expectations. We were just trying to make it more like Canada or Mexico; we never expected the US to become an actual Third World country." 

Ms. Hill reminded the reporters and government officials present that no lives had been lost as a direct result of the EMP although she couldn't deny that the economic disruption that followed the Pulse was clearly responsible for the 10 year drop in life expectancy experienced by the US in the years 2010-2019. 

The official times of death were as follows: 

Lindani Davis 12:01 AM E.S.T. 

Wilhelm Volker 12:42 AM E.S.T 

Maria Rossi 1:29 AM E.S.T. 

Nadira Hill 2:00 AM E.S.T. 

The government had tried very hard to keep both the place and time of the executions secret. However; contrary to expectations, there were very few protests. Several family members of the terrorists who showed up for a final visit with their loved ones left prior to the executions and all refused to comment to the press. 

Other than reporting Ms. Hill's final words and announcing the times of death, prison and government officials also refused to comment. 

**_WHITE HOUSE RENOVATIONS TO COST TAXPAYERS $2000_**

**_By Qmontgomery_**

(WASHINGTON) Renovations planned for the White House will reportedly add an underwhelming $2000.00 to the national budget, an expense which is expected to be picked up by apathetic taxpayers. White House Spokesperson Don Bumkee announced the plans at a Senate meeting Monday. 

The "Big" White House, as it is now known, was destroyed in a fire caused by a malfunctioning Star Wars Missile Defense System in 2017. It was replaced shortly after with a double-wide trailer. 

The families of the President and of the Vice President reside in the 750-square foot trailer, which features three bedrooms, ten square feet of closet space, a stainless steel trailer hitch, and a doorbell which plays the theme song from the popular 1980s sitcom, Full House. One of the three bedrooms has since been converted into an office for the President. 

Bumkee said that the upcoming renovations are much needed. "With the military doing most of the governing over the last few years," he said, "the President's needs have, unfortunately, been pushed to the back burner. One of our top focuses in the renovation project will be filling in the bullet holes on the front of the trailer. We also thought it would be nice if we could install a window in the President's office, since frequent blackouts make it necessary to work by candlelight much of the time." 

Other plans include laying carpet in the six square foot hallway, and replacing the curtains in the trailer's kitchen. 

The $2000 cost of renovations will amount to approximately 6.67 cents per taxpayer, or 14 cents per household.

**_DETROIT TO ROLL OUT NEW AUTOMOBILES AT LAST! "JOBS A-PLENTY FOR ALL!" BOASTS GOVERNOR._****__**

**_By Weirdarchive_**__

A rare and wonderful event occurred at some of the formerly abandoned automotive plants in Detroit, Michigan Tuesday afternoon. Thanks to investments from Canada, Russia, Japan and American corporations, the seemingly unsalvageable auto industry roared back into life with the new Landmaster Armored Civilian Transports for 2020. In a ceremony packed with excited citizens and unemployed members of the United Auto Workers Union eager to get back to work after a long dry spell, the Governor of Michigan William Kovick and Canadian motor tycoon Hayden Thibodeaux III cut the ribbon to the most modern non-biotech manufacturing plant in the country. Almost immediately, job offers came pouring out and were taken in a mad rush that almost became a riot. "It's a great day for America." Governor Kovick smiled as he helped pass out application forms and free ration cards to jubilant workers. "We've been idle far too long in the automotive industry with Japan, China, and India making our cars. In a way, I figure even the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere reasoned it was time for us to get back on our feet with making new cars. I'm glad they gave such a generous investment because we really need to get these proud men and women of the UAW back working. They and those before them made this country great by hard work, and I'm happy to live to see this day." Thibodeaux echoed the sentiment. "My great-great-great grandfather was unemployed in Toronto during the First Depression. He hopped on a train to Detroit and managed to get a job at the old Ford plant, sweeping the floor and cleaning the toilets. Later in the Second World War, he helped to make the tanks for the Allies and got good money which he invested wisely. Today, I repay America's kindness by opening this first of many plants under the Thibodeaux Motors banner, owned by Americans for Americans!" Each member of the UAW has been promised an advance of $500 in ration cards, a year's worth of Canadian beef and vegetables, and full medical coverage on the plant's site for them and their immediate families if hired. Each applicant, whether hired or not, was given a $10 ration card that day for their troubles. About 15,000 men and women have applied for work already, with more to come.

Among the new cars and transports to be made in the new plant is the highly vaunted Landmaster Armored Civilian Transport, essentially a military-style armored truck capable of intercontinental travel through the worst terrain imaginable. The Landmaster is fully armor-plated with the latest lightweight alloys capable of repelling every known form of ordinance including some armor piecing bullets. It uses the latest in methane engines that can go for nearly twenty-four hours of travel before a recharge, with the added security of a back-up tank that can add an additional five hours in case of attack. Its self defense system included twin frontal Gatling guns, a rear cannon pod, and electric shock paneling that can adjusted within the cockpit to inflict a mild charge to instant death. The tires are self-sealing and can be replaced by its automated retread system even at a full speed of 185 MPH. Its communications system is capable of wireless Internet access, real time satellite relay (for those eager to catch up with their SOPRANO re-runs), and can receive at least five radio stations with CD quality surround sound. The cabin can seat a family of six with full kitchen, bathroom, first aid, and bedroom facilities with an option for pets and an additional five persons at a fee. It can carry roughly 30 tons of cargo for the capacity of five more tons if required. It has the latest in navigation control and is capable of limited auto-control (including the 'Dead Man's Switch') if the driver is incapacitated.

For now, the new Landmasters will be made available for multinational corporations and a few private individuals. The price tag has been retailed at $250,000 a truck, but a more economical version is in the works. There's already plans to open another five plants within the Detroit Metro area and even talks of reopening more auto factories in Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin. Needless to say, the governors of those states are actively courting Thibodeaux and other Canadian auto makers for a piece of the action.**__**

**_LOTTERIES TO BE REESTABLISHED, GOVERNMENT TO OVERSEE FUNDING. _**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

The American Government, desperate for alternate sources of income and trying to find a way to quell the growing unrest that has sparked such revolts as the Republic of Alaska and the present crisis in Florida and Texas, will re-institute an old favorite pastime from the pre-Pulse past...lotteries. Naturally, there are going to be a few twists involved.

At a press conference in Omaha, Secretary of the Treasury Frank Harris gloated about the new plan to assist those states which had a lottery system (such as Oregon and Washington) by reestablishing them with federal grant money on the condition that they help create a national lottery within five years. "I'm very excited over this." Harris said. "It's been a long time coming for the people to have a nice distraction from the Depression." While specific details have been kept secret for security reasons, the general objective is to first fund the weekly big money lotteries and the daily pick 3 and play 4 number systems. Instant scratch-offs and mini-lottos (also known as 'Fantasy 5' in some states) will then be reintroduced on a gradual basis, based on public reaction and monetary growth. States not wishing to participate can opted out for now, but the hope of a 52 state national lottery system is the ultimate goal by the newly created American Lottery Council based in Salt Lake City, Utah. 

Prizes to be won will reflect the present economic crisis, ranging from a minimum five paper dollar (or its equivalent in ration stamps and gold) to a million gold dollars to an exemption of federal and state income taxes for the next thirty years to even a new car and ration stamps for life! States can adjust the prize amounts as needed, but the big money prizes are to remain intact. Only the disputed areas of Florida, Texas, and Alaska are prohibited from participation. Most state lotteries went bankrupt after the Pulse wiped out their electronic treasuries and the Bank Runs of 2009 and 2011. For the moment, only the states in the New England region and Nevada have some form of a lottery system, funded mostly by foreign capital.

While many in the Federal government applaud the idea, some anti-gambling and religious groups question the very notion of reestablishing the state lotteries and the eventual introduction of a national numbers game. Rev. Prudence Bowden of the Gay and Lesbian Baptist Alliance issued the following statement. "We vehemently oppose the government's latest attempt at dodging the problem of mass unemployment and poverty by backing the familiar money pit that is the lottery system. Only the very poor will ever play this shell game that'll benefit the wealthy and the government. The temptation for fraud and abuse is too great to permit in a country already burdened with the Depression. We urge the government to replace this fool's pipe dream with a jobs program that'll put honest bread on the table...not blood money." The Las Vegas Gaming Association, one of the few remaining gambling organizations left solvent after the Pulse, is considering filing a civil suit to prevent the ALC from laying the groundwork for a national lottery. "We don't have a problem with states having a lotto." ,a spokesman said off the record. "But a national lottery system will drain this city's capital like an open wound. We need our state's money to stay in our state. We no need no stinkin' Fed Bread!" Other states are pondering whether to join the civil suit or counter sue since some of the surrounding states have suffered greatly from Las Vegas' unrestrictive uses of wire gambling and the funding to widen its growing 'off-shore' Internet gambling empire. So far, fifteen states have expressed interest in revamping their lottery system.****

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**INTERNATIONAL NEWS__**

**_SUPREME COURT OF CANADA ABOLISHES THE NATIONAL ANTHEM_**

**_By Daf9_**

This is what happens when you start trying too hard to be politically correct. 

Back in 2001, an effort was launched to change the words of Canada's national anthem to replace the word "sons" with a more gender-neutral term. 

It was only the beginning. 

The following year the Associations of Canadians living abroad and Immigrant Canadians banded to together to have the words "home and native land" removed from the anthem. 

In 2005 the Canadian National Institute for the Blind successfully petitioned on behalf of visually impaired Canadians to have the line "With glowing hearts we see thee rise" removed. 

In 2008 the Canadian coalition of differentially-abled persons persuaded the government to remove the line "and stand on guard" on the basis that it discriminates against the bed-ridden and those in wheelchairs. 

"God keep our land".... Canadian atheists had that line removed in 2015. 

In 2016, in an effort to avoid discriminating against ANY group of Canadians the lyrics to the national anthem were eliminated. 

In today's ruling the Supreme Court of Canada acknowledged that the song itself was potentially offensive to thousands of deaf Canadians. 

A movement is now underway to have 3 minutes and 45 seconds of absolute silence adopted as the new official national anthem. 

**_LET US PRAY…WHOOPS!CAN'T DO THAT!_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

For the most part, humans are a relatively rational species. (I say relatively because none of you have met my aunt LaDawn.) However, there is one subject that can and does transform the sanest, most down-to-earth individual into an obstinate, close-minded piece of work or a fanatical zealot. Religion.

Religion is a matter of extremes. It may be hard to believe, but once upon a time the government had open ties to Christianity. During the latter end of the 20th century, the ACLU (nowhere near the gigantic institution it now is) took it upon itself to rid the country of any and all vestiges of the dominant religion. It started small. First to go was school prayer and the displaying of the Ten Commandments in public. Then Christmas and Easter music and paraphernalia were banned in public places. Then came more drastic wins; by 2006 the ACLU succeeded in it's quest to remove "In God We Trust" from America's coin money. Several important victories followed, each one raising the Union to greater levels of power and importance. Finally, in 2011, the Union's loftiest mountain was conquered: all mention of a God or a Supreme Being were struck from the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

The banning of Christianity from all public domains isn't just on a federal level. Every state in the US has laws against Christian symbols. The exception is Utah. It's the only state that still allows religious icons in public, due to the majority of it's state legislators being members of the Mormon church.

Because of the beating Christianity has had, minority religions are more assertive than they used to be, stepping to the forefront to take it's place. A prime example of this is the little-known Rastafarian sect. A melding of several faiths, including those of south Asia and the Caribbean, Rastafarians worship Allah yet believe in the Bible. One thing unique about these people is that they believe the Bible tells man to smoke marijuana. Since it's a religious tradition, Rastafarians claim the right to use weed at the workplace. This has many employers upset—drug use while at work is against virtually all company policies. Fellow employees are put out, also. From their perspective, "Why should he/she get to legally break the rules and I have to do it illegally?"

As previously mentioned, religion is the topic of extremes. On the one hand, Christianity is getting all but wiped out from the public view. Interestingly, taking the name of the Lord in vain and other religious profanity has declined severely. Common phrases now include "For the love of Mike!" and "Where the firetruck is so-and-so?"

On the other hand, smaller religions are more forceful in pressing what rights they believe to be theirs, regardless of how ridiculous they are. The ACLU, by the way, does nothing to restrict this. One can no longer pray to God in public, but heaven help the person who suggests Mr. Lee talk to his Buddha idol somewhere other than in front of the class he's supposed to be teaching.

_If you can't say "Christ" when you stub your toe   
What do you say? That's what I wanna know   
Language has lost all spontaneity   
Since government abolished the Deity   
And you can't even tell Congress where to go_

_DAF9_

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**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR__**

Dear Editor;

Regarding Shnapzie's article on sharing of equipment for the disabled. 

My boyfriend and I often go Dutch 

With our favorite time shared crutch 

It's mine on odd days 

And when Seattle's covered by haze 

So he doesn't get it too much. 

To the Editor 

Not that I'm homophobic or anything but whatever happened to movies where boy meets girl? I've been reading the movie listings for WEEKS now and all I ever see is these lesbian stories. 

Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy Fan 

Dear Mrs. Eddytor, 

I weally like your nudespaper. It is kool and interdressing. My mommy didn't help me wright this, so I am weally prod of miself. My daddy likes the perzonals 'cos he says mommy and him don't light the fire enough. I don't know what that means, fanks four weeding. 

Timothy-freedy the third 

Dear Editor, 

Regarding the sonic pulse gun explosion in Cleveland last week, all I can say is too bad they didn't blow up a hundred more of them and get rid of the "Mistake on the Lake" once and for all. Do you suppose if my family took up a collection and offered to slip the Cleveland Police and Smith and Wesson a couple of hundred bucks they could arrange for the next "demonstration" to take place in Parma [note - this is a small city just outside of Cleveland made famous by Drew Carey if you know who he is] where my &^&^%$ red-neck ex-brother-in-law and his floozie are shacked up? H3ll! Take out the whole Republican state of Ohio! 

Staunch Democrat ****

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**FEATURES**

**_THE FRUGAL SUBSCRIBER: 14 Uses for SOS_**

**_By Qmontgomery_**

Life in post-pulse Seattle isn't easy. Resources are short and so is patience. Why, just last week, I saw a man get beaten to death with a carrot. What drives people to such madness? What would cause one man to kill another with a vegetable? I'll tell you what: money. Even those of us who seemingly have a lot of it are always on the lookout for a bargain. 

These days, money is an unstable commodity. It's here one day, gone the next. That's why, here at The Streets of Seattle, we're always on the lookout for ways to save money and get the most out of the products we buy. In this first part of a month-long series, we show you 14 uses for your issues of The Streets of Seattle. 

1. The Streets of Seattle makes an excellent WALL COVERING for your home, whether it's a cardboard box or an upscale apartment. 

2. Babies love clean DIAPERS. Unfortunately, Pampers went out of business and Huggies cost upwards of $10 each. Keep your kid clean and happy by wrapping them in The Streets of Seattle. 

3. Finely chopped, The Streets of Seattle adds zesty FLAVOR to meatloaf or stew. 

4. With a few carefully laid folds, The Streets of Seattle is transformed into a fashionable HAT, ideal for weddings, business meetings, or parties! 

5. The price of WINDOW SHADES got you down? Keep out unwanted light by nailing a few pages from The Streets of Seattle to your windows. 

6. If you're running from the law, DISGUISE yourself by cutting glasses and a phony moustache from The Streets of Seattle, and taping them to your face. 

7. Tightly rolled and lit on fire, The Streets of Seattle provides warmth as well as DRAWING CHARCOAL. 

8. For a super-scary HALLOWEEN COSTUME, wrap yourself up at The Streets of Seattle Mummy! 

9. Can't afford gym membership? Old issues of The Streets of Seattle, tightly bundled, can be used as 20lb FREE WEIGHTS. 

10. Shredded pages from The Streets of Seattle, blended with mud and shoved in the gas tank, is just what you need to get REVENGE on that nasty old neighbor of yours! 

11. Torn into strips and mixed with flour and water, The Streets of Seattle makes a thick paste that can be used to FILL HOLES in your walls, roof, or car. 

12. Remember that hat we told you about? Take it off your head and get ready for hours of scummy-water fun with your new TOY SAILBOAT! 

13. An old trick of tacky people and poor college students alike, The Streets of Seattle is great for WRAPPING GIFTS. 

14. Individual letters cut from The Streets of Seattle make top-quality RANSOM NOTES! 

Check upcoming issues for more creative ways to save money! 

**_NO WONDER IT'S ENDANGERED_**

**_By Daf9_**

The International Wildlife Federation sadly announced today that the kakapo is officially extinct. This night parrot was once indigenous to New Zealand but for the last 10 years these birds have been found only in zoos. The last one was found dead in his cage at the London zoo early this morning. 

_You poor kakapo _

_What did I know? _

_Breeding only once every four years _

_It brings me to tears _

_But I'll bet you put on quite a show. _

**_POETRY_**

**_By Cherokee128_**

Wind whips through my hair   
Past my face, taunting me   
to go Faster, Faster, Faster   
The ground beneath my feet   
screams to me each step I   
take Faster, Faster, Faster   
And then I hear it, a dull   
roar that soon becomes a scream   
echoing Faster, Faster, Faster   
I cross the line with the   
wind, ground, and crowd   
cheering, screaming, and taunting   
Faster Faster, Faster, I have won.****

**Tanka**

Horses running free   
To see them is to see light   
Dancing on the plains   
Spirits of the sky above   
Dancing feathers in the wind 

**_HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

With such a lack of technological conveniences, it's strange that voice mail is one thing that isn't hard to find. It's a perk in abundance, and it's put to good use. Besides the usual "Leave your name and number and I'll get back to you" stuff, people have found some very interesting ways to utilize voice mail and voice mailboxes.

**Important announcements** If a person has news he/she wants to tell everyone, but doesn't want to have to engage in conversation, they use this trick. In place of one's name, identifying whose mailbox it is, the person will record the brief message.

**Discretion** This is a little known fact: voice mail messages are untraceable, once the caller has hung up. 'Nuff said.

**Hypnosis** Because of some psychological defect, no one can hang up the phone until they have heard the whole message. They retain the hope the perhaps by the end, the caller will have actually said something that isn't brainless drivel. Amateur hypnotists, you can profit by this. Practice on the loud gang lords downstairs by leaving potent messages in their voice mailboxes. Whether they suspect or not, they won't be able to hang up the phone.

Those are just a few of the many unusual ways today's citizens put voice mail to good use. If you have another tip, write to the Streets of Seattle and let us know! Or leave a message in our voice mailbox (which, through the efforts of a dedicated technology genius on staff, screens for hypnosis. So don't try it.)__

_Voice mail, voice mail   
Your charms never fail   
Inducing hypnosis   
Or merely psychosis   
You're untraceable so I can't end up in jail_

_DAF9.****_

**_ODDITIES_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**  
I was visiting my friends' house asking for donations to the Homeless Me Fund, when suddenly a car seat was thrown at me. It occurred to me that those people weren't meaning to hurt me, they were giving me-- uh I mean the Homeless Me Fund, a valuable donation. Children's car seats are a perfect fit for my bum. They are great for lounge seats. Odd that I wasn't the only one to think of this. I kept up my walk in search for donations and lo and behold people were sitting in car seats all over the city! so I suppose that I am not the only odd one in this town. 

**_HOROSCOPE_**

_Aries:_ Watch the skies for flying bodies. You stand a good chance of being hit by one this week. 

Best day to steal sneakers : Wednesday 

Poor, poor little Aries 

whereas other people get e-mail 

this week you get caries 

_Cancer_: Watch out for flying pigs this month, your next door neighbor will be playing mean tricks on you. You will receive a shock to your system in the coming days, why I can't make out... 

Today is good for: running down the stairs two at a time. 

Best color this month to wear: Polka dot. 

Hello lovely _Leo_. Enjoy that compliment? Well brace yourself, this next week will be riddled with them!! And your signi-other has a big secret for you that includes a beautiful $5 cubic zirconium! Best day to scavenge for dresses in the dumpster behind May's: Friday the 13th. Day you will get bitten by the love bug: Saturday the 14th. Day you will get the antidote: 20 years later when you find your husband **"with"** your sister/mother. Leo Beware, if you are unaware of that fact that your husbands quite a scare.

_Virgo:_ This month you will get arrested by the sector police. Not to worry, you will get lots of free milk while you are in prison and when you get out you will hook up with a motorcycle gang that steals chickens. 

Best day to eat cabbage: Wednesday the 18th. 

_Scorpio_: Eat a lot of prunes this month, you will find that your closest friend will be stealing out of your back garden. Chickens and geese will be a major part of your life for the next two weeks, and you will be sending pigs into orbit. 

Only good day for kissing a bull: Friday the 13th. 

Best time for taking over the world: Friday the 13th after kissing a bull.

_Sagittarius:_ You thought we didn't know what you're up to, did you, Sagittarius? We're astrologers, we know everything, including your dirty little secret. And this week, your significant other will too. Start packing. 

Best day to cook a romantic candlelit dinner: Wednesday 

Best day to run as it's hurled at your head: Wednesday 

If you were a _Capricorn_

On the day that you were born

Today's the day to stay at home

Unless you want to meet your clone

Who will make you feel very forlorn.

_Taurus, Gemini, Libra, Aquarius_ and _Pisces_: Life is too short to spend it reading horoscopes.

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**ENTERTAINMENT**

**_COME ON HOLLY-OOD!_**

**_By Samcrazy and Jennem1_**

For a long while now one of our countries greatest landmarks has remained neglected. I am speaking of course of the W missing from the famous HOLLYWOOD sign. Sure, it isn't one of the US government's greatest priorities, but some things must stay sacred, like a reminder of what the world was like before the Pulse.

The W has been laying on the ground since 2018, when a rabid fan of the WWF decided it would make the perfect decoration for his trailer. He apparently knocked the letter down by charging into it headlong. Dazed, he then fell off the side of the hill and was pronounced dead at the scene.

Great tragedies befall us now and again, but this is just wrong! Sure, this reporter feels strongly about a whole lot of things, but all can agree that this news is shocking. Not that a wrestling fan died in a stupid accident, which is a rather common occurrence, but that for want of a very small bit of funding the landmark remains damaged.

In this short report I want to say that Hollywood is part of the American culture and we should keep it that way. Our entertainment industry has almost wholly transferred to Canada, and now it seems what reminders we have of it are following. So I urge the readers to say, REPAIR THE SIGN for in our hearts, it could repair a hole the Pulse made.__

**_MOVIES_**__

_On Cineplex, Canada: _

**THINGS GOT COMPLICATED...**_,2004 ,Starring Ali Larter, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, and Minnie Driver. Directed by Alan Smithee Junior. Rated NC-17._ Never has the title of a movie fit the situation. Ali Larter wanted to make a film where she could let her hair down...along with all of her clothes just once. Apparently, someone had just the project in this farce over a letter that was misaddressed to the wrong person. Larter plays Kim who gets this letter overflowing with sensuality and lust...only with no signature or return address. She assumes it's from Phil (Cusack) who has had a crush on her. Unfortunately, she misplaces the letter and it's picked up by her next door neighbor Alena (Beckinsale) who assumes it's from Kim and tries to reckon with her latent lesbian tendencies in awkward fashion. Add to the mix Phil's therapist Dr. Tiffani Masters (Driver) who gets the letter in turn and thinks Phil wants to have an affair with her and you basically get a comedy of errors...only the errors are more noticeable than the comedy. The director was so frustrated over Larter's attempts to spice up the sexuality rather than the laughs, he publicly disowned the picture with the infamous 'Alan Smithee' handle. Audiences followed in kind. The sex scenes are about the only redeeming part of the picture, though the way things were going in some of the actors' lives (such as Ms. Driver's martial woes with her soon to be ex Josh Brolin) it's understandable why the passion seems to be more of lust than longing. _Contains nudity and strong sexual content. Parents strongly cautioned. WEIRDARCHIVE _

**FREE WILLY 15: WILLY'S REVENGE **_2010 starring Keiko the WHALE, Jason James RICHTER, Woody ALLEN and a host of others_. Another great epic starring the loveable Willy and his best friend Jesse but this time Woody Allen takes it to a new level. He stars as an evil drug baron, who kidnaps Willy from his habitat in the wild and turns him bad using a mixture of drugs and hypnotism. Jesse (Richter) looks everywhere for his pal, until he finds the drugged up whale in a downtown bar, shooting pool with the bad people (including Harrison FORD and the kid from THE SIXTH SENSE). How will Jesse save his friend? This is on-the-edge-of-your-seat-action, with some lovely romance scenes involving Willy and a dolphin (played by Teri HATCHER). parents warned, it has scenes with drugs and a whale being doped up, but of course no whales were really harmed during the making of the film, thinking about it, this really is gross._SAMCRAZY_****

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**NEIGHBORHOOD**

**_STREETS OF SEATTLE COMPANY PICNIC_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

This year at the Streets of Seattle company picnic, there were a variety of events planned. First was the annual speech from Jennem, which no one listened to. It lasted about one hour andsupposedly consisted of Jennem's ranting about the employees and reporters not working hard enough. 

After that there were a series of games. There was the bean bag toss, which was won by DTM. The plastic egg throw came next. The SOS staff was unsuccessful in producing any fresh eggs. so with a bright idea from Shnapzie, we filled plastic eggs with yak slime from a Canadian friend who owns a yak farm. Everyone proceeded to be sick right after participating. The smell must have been too much. And DAF9 won that one. It was joked by many that she felt right at home with the slime. And finally the annual mud wrestling contest. The males' mud wrestling contest brought about $200 that goes to the lounge fund. The guys are hoping to get a big screen TV. It was won by ninja650. The runner up, Weirdarchive, supposedly only lost because he got mud in his eye. The matter is under investigation by Samcrazy. The females mud wrestling contest brought in $1,000.25 from bets and $630 from money being thrown into the ring. Some will go to spruce up the female bathrooms, and some for their own lounge room, being as the guys always leave it a mess. Iluveyesonly won first prize with the vicious Jennem and her bull whip in second. 

After the games ended, there was a poetry contest for all who wanted to enter it. Cherokee128 won first with her beautiful and enchanting poems, Ewachsmuth, with the stolen book of dazzling poetry, came in second, and DAF9 won third with her limericks, only because we had to have three winners and there was no one else. The fun and excitement ended with the food being set out to eat. In the mad rush to get the good grub, Logans_babe and Sportzgirl16 were literally trampled. They came out with only minor injuries, but were last in line. DTM could be seen walking around handing out apples, hard candies, Jennem's meat loaf, and other hard as a rock things. Many lost their teeth that day. 

The day ended with 727angel giving a lovely speech about patriotism to the Streets. Everyone left in high spirits. All in all the employees of SOS say that the day was one to remember. "Makes you think times aren't as bad as they seem," said one employee that no one could name. "You forget that things are as bad as they are when you are here with family and friends." 

True enough. SOS is a growing family of reporters, getting closer each day. And the company picnic showed us all just how tight that bond really is. 

**_WHY LOGANS_BABE WAS ARRESTED AT THE STREETS OF SEATTLE COMPANY PICNIC_**

**_By Daf9_**

I swore that I would never tattle 

What happened at the Streets of Seattle 

Company outing 

But it involved lots of shouting 

And a fiercely fought herbal gummie battle. 

Logans_Babe, Logans_Babe what have you done? 

Your life might as well be over before its begun 

If you hadn't been drinking 

It'd have altered your thinking 

For the better in the long run 

Oh the shock! Oh the shame 

Will things ever be the same? 

Logans_Babe how could you? 

If only we knew 

Now everybody's sharing the blame. 

Curse you Logans_Babe, I fear we are fated 

To suffer the consequences of what you created 

I'd tell what you did 

But I'm strictly forbid 

'Cause this board is PG-13 rated 

**_ANNOUNCEMENTS_**

MARRIAGE Today Michael Douglas Jr. married Scarlet Powers, the young girl famous for starring in ST:Voyager, bringing 36 year-old Douglas Jr.'s wife total up to 15. He says: 'I just want to honor my fathers memory', but instead of marrying a woman that was half his age he thought that moving to Arabia and having more then one wife would be cooler. Samcrazy 

BIRTH Smith, Janet and Steve The Smiths welcomed identical sextuplets Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Emily, Gabrielle, and Xena. Although the Smiths planned on one child, a brownout during the in vitro procedure resulted in what they call "our blessed accident." Since their insurance has the standard power interruption clause, all donations will be gratefully accepted. Jennem1

BIRTH Andy and Cindy Walters proudly announce the adoption of five long since discarded in vitro fertilized embryos. DNA testing revealed that the embryos were actually Mrs. Walters brothers and sisters, abandoned at the Happy Days fertility clinic following her parents bitter divorce. "I always wanted a little brother or sister" Mrs. Walters gushed. DAF9 ****

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**LIFESTYLE**

**_WHO DOESN'T NEED HARMONY?_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

In the chaotic world of today people are finding new escapes to help relieve the pain that the Pulse left behind.So people are turning to Feng shui!

Feng shuiis the ancient Chinese practice of arranging a room or environment to balance energy, or chi. This is also known as the art of placement. Feng shui says that when a room has it's chi focused and channeled, then its inhabitants are as healthy as the room.

Many of the people this reporter talked to believe that positive vibes help them get through the day.I viewed rooms which have undergone the process of having energies channeled, and not only did Feng shui improve the 'feeling' of the room, the room itself looked nice.

I talked to a Mr. Bounty, who claims to be an expert on Feng shui about why this is a growing trend in post-pulse life.

"Well, I believe that harmony is something that this world is lacking, obviously due to the havoc the Pulse wreaked.This art is now coming back as a fresh alternative to do as a past time.Feng shui can be a hobby and a way of life, it is rewarding and challenging at the same time.Balancing a room's energy is a gradual process and it does take up time.People nowadays have time on their hands, why not make Feng shui a pastime?"

Mrs. Honker is a woman who has offered her services to the people of Seattle as a consultant on Feng shui.She tells us what kind of people she's helped focus their energies.

"The men and women in Seattle have found that Feng shui is a nice pastime.The rich and poor alike find that a bit of harmony in their life helps relieve the stress of post-Pulse life.A couple I consulted with said that after the three day period of getting used to their new room style said that Feng shui helped their love life.A family who found that their front room was lacking something told me that after I had showed them the art, they had many less arguments over the state of the living space.Even one man who expressed interest in converting his bedroom into a space of harmony said that he was so happy with the room that he has no trouble with drawing ladies in.You see?Feng shui helps everyone!"

So there you have it.Try Feng shui, it's good for your life love…and other things.

**_FAST FOOD LOVERS LAMENT_**

**_By Dammachine and Daf9_**

KFC, KFC, 

You meant so much to me 

Then P.E.T.A. got on your case 

And you were forced to replace 

Crispy chicken with crappy chickpeas. 

Old McDonald's, they had a farm. 

In his tractor he caught his arm 

Bite into a burger and tasted his finger 

In my head the thought did linger 

My team of lawyers sued for that harm 

I went to Wendy's and ordered the same 

To my surprise, when the order came 

I looked in the bag 

Oh man what a drag 

My lawyers are back in the game 

I then went to the Burger King drive through 

Just to get something that's new 

I lifted the bun 

I laughed "oh what fun" 

There seems to be bugs in this goo. ****

**********************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

FOR SALE: A slightly torn up picture of Elvis behind a tree. Smells a bit of cat litter. Starting price at $330, but willing to go lower. call 303030303111666 

A healthy young woman willing to meet on a blind date. Bring own blindfold. Alcoholics preferred. meet at the 'Crash' bar at 7:00pm on Wednesday.

46 yr DWM, 300+ lbs, 5'7" w/ yellow hair & eyes ISO 18-23 yr SWF, 100-105 lbs, 5'7"-5'9" to fund and accompany me on my world travels. Must have own transportation, income, sector passes. NO pets! NO smoking! NO STDs! Call 555-4391. 

Single female with independent income seeks houseboy. Must be willing to perform any task cheerfully, in exchange for luxury lifestyle. No freaks, geeks, or ex-convicts. Unsatisfactory performance will result in execution. 


	11. Eleventh Edition: Pollo Loco

STREETS OF SEATTLE

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Managing Editor: Samcrazy**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe**

**Opinions Editor: Shnapzie**

**Contributing Reporter: Lucifer6Lexi**

**Contributing Reporter: Dark_Fairy__**

**Contributing Reporter: Qmontgomery**

**Contributing Reporter: Meeganpie**

**Contributing Reporter: Legend10013**

**Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128**

**Contributing Reporter: 727Angel**

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: DCRacing**

*************************************

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_MYSTERY ASSASSIN ON THE LOOSE IN SEATTLE_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

A terrifying chain of murders has occurred in Seattle in the past two weeks, seemingly linked by the strange mutilation of the body after death.There were no fingerprints or any DNA samples left on the victims.The police department are at a loss as to the murderer's motive for the killings, his/her name, and whereabouts.

In a statement from the Seattle police department, they commented on the fact that: 'There is no evidence to suggest that this person is still around Seattle and that more people are in danger.We are currently using all the resources open to us to try and track down this person, and yes we believe that the murders are linked by the way the murderer has abused the bodies after their demise.At this time we can not release anymore information on the killings, thank you.'

Using inside sources we received a picture of one of the bodies, and a report filed by the head of the police morgue.A section of the document describes the mutilation: '...all teeth removed and taken from the site where the body was found, preventing use of dental records.There was a large bruise on the lower arm and another below the pelvis.There was a clean break of the tibiaon the right leg.The left leg was dislocated at the synovial joint from a kick to the femur.There were cuts on most of the upper body with residue of soil compounds and mosses, indicating that trees and bushes had scratched the victim.There was evidence of clotting in the nose and a slight facture of the upper bones, a possible nose bleed may of occurred...'

The account also mentions a strange tattoo on the back of the neck, resembling a barcode used to scan in shopping items at supermarkets.As with the other three bodies the barcode was identical, giving the police a reason to link the killings.The removal of teeth also indicated to the police that the same murderer had preformed all four.

As far as we can tell from the limited information, there are no known motives for each individual case.The killer seems to strike at will with no link between his/her victims.The only piece of information we could extract from the rumors floating around the police department was that the killer has a pattern in the method that he/her tracks the victim.Each time the prey was given a handgun, (this fact was proven by fingerprinting) and from the cuts on the exposed parts of the body it looks like that four people were running through the forest before they were hunted down and killed.

A forensic expert informs us that any DNA samples collected wouldn't be able to be matched up for all the on-file, named samples for they were either lost after the Pulse or are restricted by the government.

The people's response to the mysterious killings is mostly outrage at great lack of information on the subject not provided by the police.There has been a great deal of panic in the outer suburbs because of the proximity of the taken victims.A cover up operation seems to be taking place, and any information on the cases has been restricted.This is very irrational of the cop department, for the people are in danger wish to know what they're up against.

It seems that there is nothing we can do, so we here at the 'Streets' advise to lock up your doors, and keep away from the forest.That's what we will be doing.

**_STRANGE OFFERINGS FOUND AT LOCAL CHURCH_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

Yesterday the police department discovered the lost teeth that had been supposedly taken from the bodies of several murder victims.A local worshipper who had seen the pile of teeth grow every two days tipped them off.After removing them the forensic department confirmed that they indeed belonged to the bodies.

'The results turned up positive yes.We cannot draw any more conclusions from this find, though it has helped us identify one victim.Now we can only say, that we believe this killer to be a madman, thinking that leaving offerings of teeth for the Virgin Mary is right'

An eye-witness commented on a disturbance in the church early Tuesday morning, two days before the teeth were found, which they describe exclusively for the 'Streets': 'Well, I was sitting in one of the pews toward the front of the church, when this girl sitting behind me suddenly starts up when a man enters.She followed him and I watched as he placed a bag of something next to the statue of the Virgin Mary.Then he just took off, so fast that when I blinked he was gone.The woman followed, and sprinted after but the door was slammed in her face...she exited then after the guy'

This discovery has shone little light onto the case of the anonymous assassin, it has simply added more mystery into it.The police department seem to be at a loss as to how to proceed with this problem, but we here at the 'Streets' suggest that telling the people could calm the hysteria and help with the case.We've found one eye-witness, if you ask the people, you may find more.

**_WORLD'S LARGEST GAME OF TWISTER "HORRIFIC DISASTER" SAY AUTHORITIES_**

**_By Qmontgomery_**

What began Saturday as The World's Largest Game of Twister ended as a confusing mess of blood, bodies, and terrified screams. 

City officials had planned the event as an effort to boost community spirit and Seattle pride. Interest in the event was high, even in the planning stages, and more than 87,000 people came out for Saturday's festivities. 

Event planners had laid out 18,000 Twister game boards in a gigantic square. Guinness Book officials were present to verify the record-breaking event, as were police officers and four milk cows - the prize of the eventual winner. 

The game started without incident at approximately 1:30 pm, when Guest Spinner LaToya Jackson announced that the first move was to be "Right Foot, Blue." The second move, "Left Hand, Yellow," and the third move, "Left Foot, Red," also went without incident. Amazingly, none of the more than 87,000 participants were eliminated during the first three moves. 

The fourth move, "Right Hand, Red," proved to be the proverbial straw the broke the camel's back. Eyewitness accounts are conflicting, but authorities believe that the twisted mass of limbs created excessive amounts of heat and pressure, creating a human bomb. At 1:37 pm, that bomb went off. The pile of bodies literally exploded, sending people as high as 40 feet in the air. 

Fortunately there were no deaths or critical injuries in the mishap, but area hospitals were overloaded with a combined 14,238 broken legs, 16,003 broken arms, 259,622 broken fingers, and 364,982 chipped teeth. 

In light of the Twister disaster, Seattle has cancelled all plans to host The World's Longest Slip'N'Slide.

**_RASTAFARANS PROTEST WORKPLACE OPPRESSION_**

**_By Lucifer6Lexi_**

While it is most often associated with dreadlocks, smoking of marijuana, and reggae music, the Rastafarian religion is much more than simply a religion of Jamaica. In fact, Rastafarianism has quite a large following right here in Seattle. Since there are no real public establishments in Rastafarianism, it is hard to guess how many there are. But judging by all the letters complaining about how bosses will not let them practice their faith on company grounds, we can guess that their numbers are in the hundreds. 

One such letter, from a worker at Rockin' Horse*, says he almost got fired for smoking in the bathroom. This is not the first of such letters. It is, actually, the 234th letter saying almost the exact same thing as the other 233. The people at Streets of Seattle would like to say that we oppose this heartless treatment of Rastafarians, and if we can get enough signatures, we shall go to the mayor about it. 

And please, stop writing to us, Rastafarians. We get the idea. And if you insist on writing letters, please refrain from adding "free samples", the secretaries just can not concentrate, and a few had to take a day off from smoking them. __

_*all names were changed for protection of the source_

**_SOAP STEALER NOT SO SLY_**

**_By Qmontgomery_**

Seattle shop owners got a taste of some real dirty work Tuesday, when it was discovered that a thief had stolen $7000.00 worth of soap from the shelves of seven stores near South Market. The crime, which presumably occurred late Monday night or early Tuesday, was not discovered until stores opened at 7 am Tuesday morning. 

The soap was imported from Somalia, the world's leading soap producer. A valuable commodity since the Pulse, soap retails at anywhere from $20-$35 a bar. 

Leads originally led police to believe that the soap was stolen by a rogue gang of male prostitutes. However, a search of The Bawdry Boys' Brothel, their local hangout, turned up nothing but filth - both literally and figuratively. 

After following several more dead end leads, including one that led them to a yak farm, police decided to put the case aside until they had more substantial evidence. 

A major break came at around 3:45 pm, when Seattle residents flooded the police station and the Streets of Seattle office with phone calls. All of the callers reported seeing a sparkling clean Volkswagen Thing driving through Seattle. 

Police quickly caught up with the Thing and arraigned the driver, 39 year old Joseph Miller. When questioned, Miller admitted that he had worked alone in the soap heist, and had planned to sell more than half of the product on the black market. 

Authorities ruled that Miller must pay a $150 fine in addition to returning all of the soap and washing the windows of the stores he robbed.

**_OOOPS!A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING!_**

**_By Daf9_**

South Market sector police were highly embarrassed today by an incident that left residents rolling on the ground in laughter. Following an anonymous report that male prostitutes were harassing customers at the local Shop 'n Wok Chinese grocery store undercover agents were sent to the scene. There they encountered several young men offering to "clean [their] carburetors". The undercover agents immediately called for back up and had four of these young men arrested. Unfortunately, at the arraignment today it became clear the teenagers were mechanics, not joyboys, and their offer to clean carburetors was a legitimate business proposition; unusual as those are on South Market Street. A spokesperson for the police department issued a short statement saying that the men had been released from Langford prison and no further actions would be taken against them.

_On the streets of South Market _

_Where the joyboys all park it _

_Watch out for the 'varks _

_Who lurk in the dark _

_They don't think Oscar Wilde was a wit _

**_EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YAK SLIME?_**

**_By Meeganpie_**

For the residents of Seattle, it's obvious that Yak Slime is a growing problem. Even the casual observer is bound to notice Yak Slime lurking in dozens of places; with its putrid smell, it's hard to miss. 

City official have been swamped with pleas to clean up the Yak Slime but with limited government funding, a permanent fix could be months away. 

In the meantime, Seattle will have to deal with its newest resident. 

To make the Yak Slime epidemic as easy to handle as possible, the Streets of Seattle answers some of your most common Yak Slime Questions: 

_What is Yak Slime, anyway?_We don't really know for sure. You'd think that it comes from a Yak, but what the heck kind of animal makes slime? A snail? A slug? Yeah, that's all right, but a yak? Come on, give us a break! 

_Why does Yak Slime smell so bad? _Again, we're not sure. Maybe if we knew where it came from, we could begin to guess why it smells so god awfully terrible. We've seen yaks before, and we know that yaks don't smell nearly as bad as Yak Slime. Maybe Yak Slime comes from a really, really dirty yak? But on the bright side, you can put a little lemon juice in Yak Slime to make it not smell so bad. Our editor, Jenn, uses Yak Slime as soothing aromatherapy gel. 

_I sat in some Yak Slime. Will the stain come out of my pants? _Yes. Just rub a little club soda on the stain and it will come right out. 

_I like to go camping, but bug spray is so darned expensive these days. Is Yak Slime an effective bug repellant? _Yes. Yak Slime smells so bad, even insects won't want to get near it. Cover yourself in Yak Slime the next time you want to go camping and you should be fine. 

_I'm going bald. Can Yak Slime help me? _Put Yak Slime on your head, and you should have thicker, fuller hair in just two weeks. 

_Can Yak Slime help relieve chemical burns? _Yes.

_What about sunburn? _Not only will Yak Slime soothe sunburn, its SPF35 will help prevent future burns. 

_I heard that the Streets of Seattle had a picnic or something where they played some kind of a game with Yak Slime. What game was that? _The Streets of Seattle has decided that it is in the best interest of the public to never allow any of the events of the company picnic to be recreated, seeing as how the picnic was the sorry beginning of many arrests, court cases, lawyer fees, etc. For this reason, we will not tell you what the game was. 

_Would you say that Yak Slime is a solid, a liquid, or a gas? It sort of acts like all three. _Neither. Yak slime is a plasma. 

_Plasma? You mean, like what stars are made of? _Yes.

_So you're saying that stars are made of Yak Slime? _In a sense, yes.

_But I thought plasma was really really dense. Shouldn't Yak Slime be a lot heavier then it is? _We don't know. We honestly don't know that much about plasma. We made all that stuff up. 

_I thought newspapers were supposed to report facts, not bogus speculation about Yak Slime and plasma. _We do what we want around here. Next question? 

_I think Yak Slime is the most beautiful color. I want to paint my bedroom the color of Yak Slime. What would you call that color, if you had to give it a name? _We'd call it green. 

_Does Yak Slime taste good? _Yak Slime tastes like chicken. If you put it in the microwave for a little bit, it's really good. Lots of cholesterol, though. 

_Are you sure it's safe to eat Yak Slime? You don't even know what it is, remember. _We've been feeding our pet rabbit Yak Slime for weeks and he's fine. 

_Can I use Yak Slime in my car instead of gasoline? _Yes. Yak Slime is a clean burning, non-polluting fuel. You can use it to start fires, light grills, run lawnmowers. Whatever you want. 

_Is there anything Yak Slime can't do? _No. Yak Slime can do everything. 

**_210 KILLED IN PLAIN CRASH_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

Yesterday morning at 8:30 an aircraft went down in Tecumseh Washington. All two hundred passengers on board were killed along with ten crew members. Five of those passengers are reported to be relatives to the mayor of Seattle. 

No bodies have been found at this point. Police think all the bodies were destroyed in the fire, following the crash. Even after close survey of the black box, it is still unclear why the plane went down. Further investigation is required. We will keep you up to date.

**_COAT CONSPIRACY_**

**_By 727Angel_**

There has been a strange rumor floating around about certain mink fur coats. We here at the Streets of Seattle found out the truth.

The coats were actually the product of genetic breeding programs experimentation gone wrong. A witness (who wishes to remain anonymous) told us that the supposed 'mink' was a cross of a goat, a horse, and a mink. This hybrid was intended to breed with a goat,an endangered species.Unfortunately the experiment turned out horribly. "It looked totally freaky. I won't even begin to describe it. Trust me you would thank me if you ever saw it." 

So in major debt, the scientist had to come up with a solution to get more money. He came up with an idea. He killed 'It', and yes you guessed it (or maybe you didn't) he made fur coats out of them. Then he sold the coats.

Now what we suggest if you do with the coat if you have one: keep it. It will be warm in the cold winters of Seattle. If you have this eerie feeling of a monster sounding you and want to get rid of it we suggest you sell it to the black market, or you can be nice and give it to a poor (no offence to some of you) person on the street or living in a box. If you are not sure if you have one or not here is how to tell: 1. The coat is slightly lighter than regular mink coats. 2. The coat has no tags. 3. the hemming is very bad and is crooked.

_So you thought it was mink? _

_Well you'd better rethink. _

_One touch of that 'fur' _

_And the experts concur _

_It's genetically engineered skink._

**_SOS REPORTER DENIED BAIL_**

**_By Daf9_**

In a closed court session, Judge Judy denied bail to Streets of Seattle reporter LOGANS_BABE who was arrested at the company picnic last week. A trial date has been tentatively set for September 19. In the meantime the accused is being held for her own safety in solitary confinement on a suicide watch.

**_SOS REPORTERS ARRESTED IN BOTCHED ATTEMPT TO BREAK ONE OF THEIR OWN OUT OF PRISON_**

**_By Daf9_**

The latest shocking development in the Logans_Babe saga. Four Streets of Seattle Reporters were caught trying to break Logans_Babe out of prison this evening. Arraignments will be held tomorrow afternoon at 2 PM. Better hope that Editor in Chief Jennem will spring for bail.

**_SOS REPORTER FREED! THREATENS TO SUE!_**

**_By Daf9_**

In another shocking move, today Seattle authorities released Streets of Seattle reporter Logans_Babe from Langford prison where she was being held without bail since last weeks incident at the Streets of Seattle annual picnic. Turns out in all the commotion Ms_Babe was never read her rights; thereby invalidating her arrest. She is threatening to sue both the city and her employer for providing her with the opportunity (i.e. the picnic) to get arrested in the first place. Unfortunately, the four other SOS reporters who were arrested for trying to break Logans_Babe out of prison are still under detention. One of them (who will not be identified for fear that prison officials may retaliate) managed to smuggle out the following note. 

"Conditions in Langford would be almost bearable if it weren't for this total whack-job who INSISTS on singing Italian arias every night. If I'm not sprung from this place soon I'll be ready for loony bin!" 

**_SOS EDITOR DENIES INVOLVEMENT_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

SAMCRAZY told rival papers yesterday that she denies involvement with the locked up reporters, although she admits giving one of the reporters who tried to break out LOGANS_BABE a shovel. "I am not here to debate their actions!" she said. 

We had a one-on-one interview with the Managing Editor, and she told us that: "I'm not going to stand for this! Those reporters are needed here, and I am not going to let them stay in jail!" 

*************************************

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**NATIONAL NEWS**

**_AMISH AND WICCAN COVENS TO JOIN UNITED NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBES AS OFFICIAL AND ASSOCIATE MEMBERS_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

Another sign of the growing political strength of the Native American Movement became apparent Sunday as the United Native American Tribes gave the Amish communities everywhere full membership in its ruling Tribal Council while giving the ten largest Wiccan covens of North America associate status in its equally powerful religious/medical organization, the Big Sky Lodge. This stunning development has given credence to rumors of the UNAT eventually joining the United Nations General Assembly and further weakening America's clout as a nation.

At its headquarters in Omaha, Nebraska, the head of the UNAT Sioux Chief Henry Stormraven Collins announced the admission of the uniquely low tech Christian sect into the ruling body as a full voting member of its governing assembly, comprising of the major and minor Native American tribes of North America from the borders of the rogue Republic of Alaska to the independent Maya Commune of the Free Mexican States to the Hawaii Principalities. This marks the first time the group has openly recognized an entire Anglo religion as a tribe. Joining him at the press conference were Brother Johnathan Simmons, head of the largest Amish community of New England, as well as several associates comprising the various townships and counties of fifteen states. Brother John and Chief Stormraven embraced each other in friendship after a short ceremony signing the documents of recognization and a puff from the ceremonial Pipe of Peace. 

"After hundreds of years of hate and mistrust, the descendants of the New England Colonies and the 600 Nations are now one with the Great Father." Stormraven said as he held up the document. "We no longer hold the Anglos with contempt and scorn. We are brothers as it was meant be until the stars burn no more." Brother John fielded questions about why the Amish were given Tribal Status despite UNAT's liberal religious policy which embraces not just the official Native American faiths but also those of European and Asian origin. "I know thy has puzzlement over this action, but Brother Stormraven and I have talked this over with our respective councils. It's a big step and risk he's taking by adopting us as an equal partner with the Great Spirits. The Amish faith has been tested by the technological wasteland and by the fruitless pursuits of pleasure and hedonism. We all felt our kin and kind can benefit by this union. We, the Amish, have been stray from the path for too long. We now join our Native American brothers in hopes of preserving our way of life for this generation and others to come." The status of Major Tribe in the Tribal Council carries considerable clout within the UNAT, which includes substantial political and economic clout. Some have wondered how a sect that abstains from 21st Century technology can relate to the fastest rising group in the tech market with its newest commercial space center opening in Arizona next year, but Brother Johnathan dismisses it as so much 'hogwash'. "The UNAT has a history of letting its members chose their own paths." Stormraven countered. "The Amish asked to join because unlike the Feds, we allow individuality and nurture it as a gift. They do not wish to rule over anyone but their own affairs. We of the Tribal Council intend to help them keep their old ways, for to us the past is sacred." The first order of business for the new 'Amish Tribe' is to elect a representative for the Tribal Congress and how to use the sudden economic windfall without damaging its cultural and religious dogma.

Also at the conference were several members of the ten largest Wiccan covens who accepted UNAT's offer of associate membership in the Big Sky Lodge, its equivalent of the Red Cross and Vatican City. Natalie Cummings of the Moonsign Collective of the West Coast gave a few words praising the action. "The Earth Goddess is the same spirit who watches over us all, no matter if it's Sioux, Amish, or Anglo. It was inevitable that the covens would embrace the First Settlers of North America in true friendship. We all worship nature and wish to tend to her needs and heal some of the wounds. The covens will keep faith with the great Medicine Men and share all our knowledge to the greater understanding of the universe." Associate membership means the Wiccans can hold services and recruit within UNAT borders, but can't administer certain rites or counter medical judgments from the Big Sky Lodge ruling body. Ms. Cummings hopes that in time the coven will receive full membership. Until now, the tribes have adopted Anglos and other races on a strictly individual basis based on family history.

These developments hasn't gone unnoticed in Washington. Already, the Military Commission have started reexamining its policy dealing with the UNAT, which had viewed it as an ethnic group unassociated with any political movement. There's no word as of yet if the Commission will start drumming out members of the Armed Forces who are active in UNAT affairs. Privately, a spokesman hopes cooler heads will prevail. "We owed the Tribes a lot, especially since this country hasn't been as kind to them as it should. Still, I hope they won't start asking for an independent state. We've got enough problems with Alaska."

**_NEO-LUDDITE TERRORISTS BOMB ALTERNATE ENERGY STATIONS NATIONWIDE, PRESIDENT FURIOUS_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

The infamous Neo-Luddite terror group, the May 22nd Movement (which was reformed after its disastrous raid of ConGen2 in Seattle last year), struck against some of the vital alternate energy stations on the West Coast Thursday, putting much of the western US into darkness for five days. President Barrows has called on all Americans to 'find these bastards and kill them!', ordering massive militia movements not seen since the first years after the Pulse.

The May 22nd Movement, basing its philosophy on the late Theodore Kaczynski (also known as the Unabomber), returned to the public eye in a big way by attacking fifteen strategic alternative energy plants throughout five states in covert raids ranging from a simple missile attack on the Salt Lake Solar Station in Utah to a full out assault of the California Windmills. Despite heavy casualties, the terrorists managed to take out five sites and seriously damage three, causing a power drop which put much of California, Oregon, Washington, and Nevada in darkness. While the locations of the destroyed and damaged plants have been classified top secret for National Security, it's rumored the Windmills, the Salt Lake Solar Station, and the Geo-Thermal Plant in Arizona were among the sites totaled. The resulting blackouts caused massive riots and looting as a Level Five Alert was imposed for Los Angeles, San Diego, Carson City, Portland, and much of Tacoma. Seattle was placed on Level Four Alert Status in fear its independent power sources would be targeted. So far, none of the Movement have been sighted and the Level Four Alert has downgraded to Level Two until further notice. As of press time, power has been restored to LA, Portland, and Tacoma. The other cities are still under Level Five Alert until further notice. All travel to Carson City and San Diego is suspended, pending notification from the Military Commission.

The Movement, thought crippled with the death of its leader Jon Darius, had kept out of the limelight for some time. Rumors about its massive recruitments among disgruntled youth gangs in Southwest were dismissed by most authorities as hysteria. Until last week's attacks, the group had been downgraded to "Local Interstate Menace" from its previous high priority status of "Major National Security Threat" by the Military Commission. There's been no word as to why the group's threat was reclassified or who will be blamed for such an error. For now, President Edgar Barrows has ordered a manhunt on any surviving members of the 22nd Movement and has offered a bounty of $250,000 a corpse to anyone willing to hunt down suspected members. Later after the speech, the Washington Military Council urged citizens to remain calm and not to give in to mob mentality. A curfew is still in effect and anyone attempting any unauthorized vigilante actions will be detained and tried by a military court.

As of press time, only ten members of the Movement have been killed or arrested. Most of them were recent recruits. There is no word on any surviving core leaders still at large.

*************************************

**EDITORIAL**

**_WHERE DID ALL THE HAIR STYLISTS GO?_**

**_By Daf9_**

Here at Streets of Seattle we have noticed a disturbing phenomenon the past several months. In two words...bad haircuts. Seattle men used to sport some very attractive dos but recently they have all grown long shaggy hair and appear to be a perpetual state of "bad hair day". What is with that?

*************************************

**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Streets of Seattle, 

Your recent article on the benefits of Feng Shui piqued my interest enough so that I hired a consultant in the art. After much arranging and rearranging, my few items of furniture were situated to her satisfaction. I was informed that this arrangement would stimulate my "harmonious inner balance." Well, FYI, the whole art is a bunch of quackery. Unused to the new positioning of my home, I caught my foot on my coffee table, fell over onto my torchiere lamp which tipped over onto my bookshelf. The impact caused a tremendous wobbling which resulted in an expensive pottery vase from atop the shelf falling on my head which knocked me unconscious for 2 days. Because of this, I missed enough work that I got fired. No job means no rent money, so I was evicted. I now live in a cardboard box on the street. So much for balance. Perhaps you could try making your articles a wee less vivid. 

Dear Editor, 

I would like to correct a factual error in DAF9's article "Supreme Court of Canada abolishes the National Anthem". DAF9 reported that the CNIB was responsible for having the line "with glowing hearts we see thee rise" removed from the anthem. That is incorrect. Following the CNIB's petition the line was CHANGED to "with glowing hearts we sense thee rise". It was in point of fact the law suit launched by the organization that I represent "The Atomic Energy Workers of Canada" that had the "glowing hearts" removed. We successfully argued that since several of our members actually had "glowing" hearts due to that unfortunate nuclear reactor accident back in 09 the line was insulting to them. 

One other comment regarding the article. I wish DAF9 could learn not to use so many run-on sentences.

_Editor's Note: we maintain a stock of commas which we sprinkle liberally through Ms. 9's articles weekly._

Dear Streets of Seattle 

Re : Supreme Court of Canada Abolishes National Anthem 

As the legal representatives of "Canadians living with Schizophrenia or Tinnitus" we thought you would be interested to know that should the Canadian Parliament adopt 3 minutes and 45 seconds of absolute silence as the new Canadian national anthem, we intend to file a grievance. As our clients hear either ringing in their ears or voices in their heads, they would be incapable of properly appreciating the national anthem and thus would be discriminated against. 

Sincerely yours, 

Higgins & Doolittle 

*************************************

**FEATURES**

**_THE BEST RESTAURANT DUMPSTERS TO EAT OUT OF.   
_****_By Dark_Fairy___**

Some of our readers use this paper of bedding, some use it for fire starter, some just read it. Its sad, people having to eat from dumpsters, not being able to afford anything else. But this artical isn't for there pity.. No its for them to find food! 

I had an interview from a local street bum, on which dumpsters she eats from.. her name is Leanna Wilson, and you may enjoy this.   
DF: Hello Leanna..   
Leanna: Hi.   
DF: So what was life like before you ate out of dumpters?   
Leanna: I always ate out of dumpters..   
DF: How old are you?   
Leanna: 33   
DF: Really? You were around before the pulse!   
Leanna: Yep..   
DF: But why did you have to eat from dumpsters as a child?   
Leanna: When my parents got paid they'd spend their money on drugs and beer.   
DF: Have you heard of the Streets Of Seattle Newspaper?   
Leanna: I use it for bedding..   
DF: Right.. well, can you tell me which dumpsters outside restaurants you   
prefer.   
Leanna: Sure! The old Mac Donalds..   
DF: Wasn't that closed before the pulse?   
Leanna: There burgers are the best!!   
DF: What else?   
Leanna: Ever heard of Lanquita's Itailian?   
DF: Good food there? (Hopes slightly raising)   
Leanna: Beside it there is a Mr. Mikes dumpster I like.   
DF: Do you have any taste bud whatsoever?   
Leanna: Probably not..   
DF: Did kids make fun of you at school before the pulse?   
Leanna: Yea..   
DF: Anyone in particular you want to say something to now?   
Leanna: Yes, your sister Christina.. tell her that I like her husband..   
DF: You mean Dooley?   
Leanna: Oh yea, he made fun of me too!!   
DF: You like my sisters husband?   
Leanna: Oh and theres a great place for sea food down by the harbour..   
DF: Wait a sec.. You like my sister's husband?   
Leanna: The scrap food is amazing there!!   
DF: Shut up for a sec or I'll slap you, now answer me, you like my sister's   
husband?   
Leanna: Yep..   
DF: So your like Larry Trowsdale then, sleep with people married..   
Leanna: I never slept with Dooley!   
I had an interview with Dooley later on that day;   
DF: Did you know Leanna Wilson likes you?   
Dooley: What the F^ck?! Where is she? I'll kick her a$$!! I'll throw food at   
her!!   
DF: She'll eat the food..   
Dooley: I'll throw rotten food at her then   
DF: She'll eat that too.   
Dooley: Is she insane?   
DF: Probably, now you better go back to my sister..   
Dooley: Alright!   
My summary;   
There are bums on the side of the road, there are dumpsters need of cleaning, but that doesn't stop them.. They have no choice, sadly, Leanna was brought up this way, and will never turn her back on her um- old traditions. (hahahahaha) Now, dumpsters dumpsters which one to choose; well if you have no tastebuds, eat anything!! 

**_DREAMS AND WHAT THEY MEAN_**

**_By Legend10013_**

Hi, and welcome to "Answering your dreams" column. Due to food poisoning the usual staff writer Dr. Stacey will be out for the next few articles. We have luckily retained the services of Legend10013 guru to the stars.

I'm glad to be here to help needy..er..people in need I meant.First let me say dreams are what you make it. I personally enjoy horror.Let's see what we got in our e-mail bag. 

Legend10013

_"I dreamt that I woke up on a beach and a stranger came and threw me into the water. What do you think it means?" From effa@roaul.com _

"First, run when you see strangers. Second get swimming lessons." 

Legend10013 

_"I dream of cookies!!"Cookie monster@tollhouse.com _

"I'll send you a bag of cookies. There you are cured." 

Legend10013 

_"I'm a fan of this TV show about a genetically enhanced girl and I keep dreaming about her. What should I do?"Rock@WWF.com _

"Well Rock, I gotta say I can't help you. I'm a fan of you know who too. Anyway I saw you at the convention last week. Didn't you win that cool autographed poster? E-mail me here at the newspaper and maybe we can work out a trade." 

Legend10013 

_"There were dogs and more dogs and even a mutant dog in my dreams and they kept chasing and biting! I can't sleep I can't eat. I feel over worked and unappreciated."Stamps@PO.com _

"Well it's pretty obvious you are a postal worker. I suggest first that you get rid of any guns you might own and second you don't go to work today and find a good shrink nearby you. Third bring lots of steak with you when you do go back to work." 

Legend10013 

_"I saw a crow when I was in bed with my boyfriend and I keep having recurring dreams of running through a snow covered field from men in black suits what does it mean?" From Katbuglar@EO.com _

"Well, I think the crow represents death and an innate fear of commitment. You fear that it will end before it begins. By the way I know a life insurance agent if your are interested. As to your dream of men black suited men chasing you...this dream is most common to people who work for the government or former employees. You fear that they want you for something and are planning on kidnapping you or something worse. My suggestion is that you go back to your former employers and talk to them and you will see you have nothing to fear." 

Legend10013 

Sorry, folks that's all the time we have for mail today. 

"Have nice dreams and stay away from crows and mutant dogs."

**_PROBLEM COLUMN_**

Dear Dr. Love, 

I was dumpster diving the other day and my head collided with a very cute man's. Now it is a rumor that if that happens, then you are sole mates with the person you bumped heads with. I am already married and I love my husband. But I want to know if this rumor is true and I married the wrong guy. 

Thanks, 

Dumpster Dumby 

Dear Dumpster Dumby, 

After extensive research of my own, I have found that the rumor is true!! Dump your husband you dumby and marry your dumpster sole mate!! 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Love

_Editor's note: it has come to our attention that Dr. Love is...well....playing doctor with Dumpster Dumby's husband, and is thus not quite as impartial as we would like. However, we need to fill the space so we printed it anyway_

Dear Doc, 

My fiancé and I just found out that we are long lost siblings. I assure you that we clearly see what it will mean to our family and the community if they find out. We will be outcasts. We don't plan to tell anyone. But we are secretly planning to move to a different state and get married. Is this a good idea? Or should we forfeit our love for the sake of the public eye? 

Hopeless

Dear Hopeless, 

Your name wouldn't happen to be Olivia Smith would it? Oh well, I say what the heck! get married right here in Seattle. I know a good cross dressing priest you can call. He doesn't charge much and he has some of the most outrageous outfits! hey, if you are going out, it might as well be with a bang. An dif you need a wedding dress, we have a great fashion consultant here at the streets who will refer you to someone who makes awesome wedding dresses out of toilet paper, tooth paste and tampons. And the lady in the shop next to us is selling cardboard cut outs of flowers. They go pretty expensive, but they last forever. :) 

Yours in a time of need, 

The Doctor of Love

**_WEATHER_**

_Monday_: It will rain in spits for today, with gradual sunshine peeking through. Along with the ozone layer the cloud cover will get larger, causing on and off sunshine periods. 

_Tuesday:_ EXACTLY the same. 

_Wednesday: _The ozone will be at an all time high. Stay indoors if all possible. 

_Thursday: _Rain. Since Thursday is also the day that the slaughterhouse burns its excess carcasses, look for some pretty gritty precipitation. 

_Friday: _Humidex will be 120%. In other words it won't be raining but if you step outside you'll end up all wet. 

_Saturday: _Freak hailstorms, gale-force winds, and a small tornado.

_Sunday: _Rain clearing by early afternoon.

*************************************

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**_Complete instructions._**

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*************************************

**ENTERTAINMENT**

**_MOVIES_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

On Cineplex, Canada:

**BOLDER AND BOLDER,** _2009, starring Carla Gugino, Alyson Hannigan, Shannon Elizabeth, and Eric Balfour. Written and Directed by Wayne Wang. Rated NC-17._ If there was a movie that could be considered the signature film for the Lesbian Film Era of 2007-2011, this would be running neck and neck with LOVE TEARS. The movie is simple enough. A woman named Cassie (Gugino) is feeling like her life is losing its meaning as she turns forty. Her job is a drag, her married life is a farce, and sexual fulfillment is close to impossible. Enter free spirit Angela (Hannigan), her lover Abby (Elizabeth), and her sometimes 'boy sex toy' Frankie (Balfour). A chance encounter (well, more like traffic accident actually) has Cassie suddenly finding options she never even considered as she's taken on a roller coaster of carnal pleasures and deep insight of her life's priorities and her inner self. While Elizabeth was notorious for her insisting on roles requiring as little nudity as possible to keep her from being typecast, she was more than willing to show it all and then some...mainly because most of the cast were just as naked and she felt the script was good enough to warrant such exposure of her flesh. Gugino was no stranger to nudity or lesbian love scenes (due to her work in JADED and The Center of the World), and she more than did her fair share in this film. (In fact, Hannigan had privately mused about taking her up as a lover during her own turmoil with ex-husband Alexis Denisof.) Granted, the tale of someone regaining a lust for life after having some intense experiences (some of the sexual kind) is nothing new. But Wang does make it worthwhile by having the characters be both teacher and student for one other. The climatic orgy scene alone symbolizes this by having each character say 'Teach me. Touch me.' in a personal close-up while experiencing foreplay and arousal as if they were one person. The picture garnered three Oscars nominations for Best Picture and Best Actress for Gugino and Hannigan (who did received awards at the Cannes and Berlin Film Festivals and a Golden Globe). It also received Best Picture by GLAAD and the Independent Spirit Awards. _Contains nudity and extremely frank sexual themes. Parents Strongly Cautioned._

**RUN AND HIDE!**_, 2006, starring Nicholas Brendon, Cuba Gooding Jr., and David Boreanaz. Written by David Greenwalt and directed by Joss Whedon. Rated R._ Joss tried to break away from his masterpiece BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER by doing a bizarre twist on the sci fi alien bug tale. Here, three guys from a wrecked spacecraft are being chased by aliens because they INVADED their planet! Naturally, this comedy of errors tends to get annoying at times due to tongue in cheek jabs against such genre favorites as STAR TREK, ALIEN, and (of course) BUFFY. But the leads do their best to make the ride enjoyable and Gooding and Boreanaz have a good buddy-buddy chemistry that did work when they were paired again in Jet Li's 2008 opus HONOR IS FOR THE DEAD, which dealt with Vietnam draft dodgers hiding out in 1972 Hong Kong. Don't expect much from this picture since the writer and director at the time were close to burnout. _Contains comical violence, brief nudity, language, and an amusing sex scene with a rock. Parents Strongly Cautioned._

**DON'T YOU F**KING LIKE ME?!?**_, 2003, starring Eminem. Directed by Spike Jonze. Unrated._ This concert film/documentary covers the North American Tour of the very colorful and controversial rap star in more ways than is comfortable. It's scary enough to see his act in full view, but to watch such notables like Jessica Biel, Martin Sheen, and Liv Tyler thrown in their opinions about the man...well, you have to see it to believe it. This film does touch on his gentle side as he helps out a dying buddy fulfill his wish of pissing into the Grand Canyon from a hot air balloon (Don't even ask!) and his charity work, but mostly this is a poor rip from Madonna's far superior TRUTH OR DARE concert film. This is strictly for Eminem's fans and voyeurs of the rock/hip-hop lifestyle. _Contains strong bigoted language, nudity, sexist attitudes, violence, bodily fluids, and questionable acts of taste. Parents Strongly Cautioned._****

*************************************

**POETRY__**

**_A HORSE_**

**_By Cherokee128_**

Running Free and Wild and Great. 

A Piece of heaven here on earth. 

A Graceful beast that roams the 

plains and rules the islands. 

Found where no man dare go. 

A magician with speed and power and grace. 

A body of pure muscle that 

quivers when he runs. 

A dancer that is always 

Running Free and Wild and Great. 

BEYOND 

**_By Valiantangel_**

The horizon darkens with the promise of rain   
Beasts shelter in the towering pines   
But in the slate sky   
So far, far above   
A lone merlin's wingbeat   
Defies the storm. 

*************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

Help wanted: for mystery job call: 0324953636305058

Help wanted: help is needed at the Crash bar. Pays 5.50 an hour. Must be able to work nights and know how to mix drinks. Waitressing experience would be helpful. Go to the bar and ask for Hillary to apply for the job. 

For sale: 3 Cute Kittens that are almost a month old. They are black, grey and white if wanted call 599-4526-56734

Wanted: Large, Strong, Bad tempered Woman. Must have nasty attitude and ill feelings toward men. Must have her own leather gown and large whip. Must enjoy whipping and humiliating men to the point of tears or even unconsciousness. If you fit body type and hate men, you could earn Big money as "The Leather Mistress" in Captain Don's House of Pain &Pleasure. We pay daily and you will also receive tips of cash, can goods, and teeth from your customers. NO X-2's!!!!,,Come by at night 7:00pm to 9:30 weeknights, Its the small gray building next to the pier.

HELP WANTED: "Personal Assistant" for wealthy bachelorette. Must be able to work a minimum of 20 hours a week, be on call 24hrs a day. Must be able to lift 110lbs. Endurance a plus. Provide own Vaseline, transportation. Call Esmeralda @ 552-837-7758. Excellent pay.

Wanted: A blind woman up for some good lovin'. call 583374792222333

Wanted: Marbles. I've lost mine. Call 555-7394 and ask for Mrs. Wiggins.

Wanted: Any kind of animal that I can give to my son. He needs a friend that he can love.

LOST: 2 robots from crash landed spaceship. One has the facial features of a duck and answers to the name of "Crow." The other has a gumball machine for a head and is called "Servo." They were last seen at the Cineplex 500 yelling out rude comments to the characters on screen. If found, please call 555-6448. Ask for Mike.

Wanted: Young girls that want to see the world! Yes that's right you can see the world, wear beautiful dresses, eat fresh food and yes we have fresh beef, chicken and fish, Dance, party and meet Wealthy Asian business men, and you get paid to Party! If your a pretty girl between the age of 10 to 16,have most of your teeth and no terminal disease and would like the adventure of a life time come by "Don's Pleasure Cruises" [The small gray building next to the pier]Between 7:00pm and 9:30pm weeknights ALSO if your the parent or guardian of a troubled young girl and would like to better" YOUR" life bring her by, Let Captain Don take away your troubles, we have cash, gas, salt, can food and teeth to trade.

For sale: Queen sized bed with sheets and comforter. Springs are broken but still comfortable. Call 552-678-8903 

Found: Big casserole dish with yak slime and pepper. Tastes real good. Get it before we eat it all. Florence @ Tom's toe licking good food. 

Lost: One black and white cat. goes by the name Barcode (Cody for short). MG @ Fogle towers. 

Wanted: Fresh goat milk. Or goat. Call Bill @ 568-9367


	12. Twelfth Edition: I and I am a Camera

SEATTLE RESIDENTS WARNED AGAINST DRINKING WATER 

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Managing Editor/Columns Editor: Samcrazy**

**Politics Editor/Columns Editor: Preciousjax**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe**

**Opinions Editor: Shnapzie**

**Entertainment Editor: Jox5**

**Contributing Reporter: Dark_Fairy__**

**Contributing Reporter: Qmontgomery**

**Contributing Reporter: Legend10013**

**Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128**

**Contributing Reporter: April (X5422)**

**************************************************

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_STREET SUPERMAN SAVES JAMPONY MESSENGERS_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

Wandering Seattle's sidewalks in the dead of night is not advisable, especially when gangs roam free without cops to restrain them.Until we received a report from a Mr. Sketchy, hapless employee of Jam Pony, we thought that there was no hope for the late partygoers who exit into the streets at night.But we were mistaken from this eyewitness account of an incident last Tuesday.

At approximately 11:43pm, an unlucky couple exiting from the local 'Crash' bar were surrounded by a group of thugs, who demanded the wallet of the young man."My friend and I were shocked to see the group of desperate criminals surrounding us, and as my lady friend tried to engage the leader in conversation I saw that it wasn't working so I swung a mean left hook but there were just too many of them, they beat me down and I fell to the ground after throwing a few devastating punches.The young woman with me, who doesn't want to reveal her name, saw that I went down and as I dropped into the oblivion of unconsciousness she tried to fend them off.When I awoke a minute later I saw her standing over the body of one of the attackers, and that's when I saw him"

"Him?"

"This dark man who jumped up at the last standing gang member and kicked him fiercely in the head.With only a quick look back he ran off and then he was gone"

"And what was your lady friend doing at this time?"

"Cowering, most probably at the power of our Street Superman...that's what I've chosen to call him, you know!"

"Thank you Mr. Sketchy"

"Oh, I would just like to add that I am single and you can call me at 6..."

There have been linked reports about a 'mysterious man' entering the rooms of government officials shortly before their strange deaths.Whether he is in fact a mystery assassin or a 'street superman' we cannot speculate, but this urban legend in the making's image certainly is that of hope and we here at the 'Streets' would like to see more on this. However, there are mixed feelings on the sudden appearance of another 'unknown factor' in Seattle.

We spoke to Mr. Bowen of the Seattle 'gang control' department.He told us of the risks of trusting a stranger to enforce the law."This new man on the streets may look like another guy trying to do a good deed but there are many radicals out there who inflict more damage then they intend.This 'mystery man' could be a part of another group of people who believe in getting rid of other gangs using violent methods.The sector police are well briefed on the kind of people who wonder around at night and we are trying to crack down on them.

The reports I've received suggest that this new 'street superman' has been out and 'cracking down' on the local gangs more then the sector police have.What's more, the people of Seattle have been complaining that there are no cops out there on the streets at night.

"This 'street superman' is just the latest of a long line of wannabe heroes.The sector police haven't been in the papers as much because the work they do is expected and not regarded as newsworthy material.And I would like to stop these continuing rumors that there are no sector police on patrol at night.There are over fifty men and women putting their lives on the line every night.They are there."

Impounding vehicles illegally according to many outraged citizens!

"We have corrected this problem, which I may add was not 'overlooked' by the heads of the sector police"

I see.Do you have a closing statement?

"Yes.This new superhero may seem like a blessing but you have to be wary of him being a possible radical, someone who will go to lengths to rid Seattle of thugs.The sector police are going to step up their anti-gang campaign in the mean time."

Is this Street Superman someone to be trusted, or is he just another member of another gang?Somehow, this reporter believes that we haven't heard the last of this new hero.

**_SEATTLE RESIDENTS WARNED AGAINST DRINKING WATER_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

After routine testing procedures, the Seattle Water Board made the announcement that the city's supply of culinary water is unsafe for drinking. As of this printing, the agent causing the safety hazard is unknown. A safety warning has been issued warning residents that until the matter is resolved, ingestion of tap water is firmly advised against. If you are experiencing any unusual symptoms, check yourself into a medical center as soon as possible. 

_Need something to drink? _

_Don't go to the sink! _

_So what do you do _

_When thirst gets to you? _

_Alcohol! What did you think?_

**_LOCAL BUSINESSMAN'S DEATH A MYSTERY_**

**_By Preciousjax_**

Jonas Cale, the successful businessman and CEO of Cale Industries, was found dead in his home Thursday afternoon. He was killed by several gunshot wounds to the chest, though the circumstances of the shooting remain a puzzle to the Seattle Police Department. A source inside the investigation told the Streets of Seattle that they believe that the shots were fired from outside the window of Cale's office, though they are unsure of how this happened, since the 

office is on the second floor of the large home that Cale resided in with his wife, Margot, who was not at the residence at the time of the shooting. She was not available for comment, and though her whereabouts during the time are notknown, the SPD do not consider her to be connected with the murder. 

It has been determined that Cale was not alone that afternoon. Gilbert Neal is wanted for questioning in the events surrounding the shooting. Anyone with information should contact the SPD at 254-798-541-234-897 and ask for Detective Robison. 

See Obituary on page B3 for more information. 

**_ANIMALS STOLEN FROM PETTING ZOO_**

**_By Preciousjax_**

Officials at the Mandy Moore Memorial Petting Zoo where horrified this morning to find three empty cages. Three cages that used to hold the zoo's prized ostriches. And this is not the first time that various species of animals have been stolen from this particular zoo. Just last week, 17 snakes were stolen for what was once assumed to be skinning purposes. Now it appears to be a serial snatcher. Officials do not know why they are targeting The Mandy Moore petting zoo, whether it is former disgruntled fans of the pop star from the turn of the century, or just random people who are starting their own petting zoo. 

The Mandy Moore Petting Zoo was started in 2013 after the stars tragic death. She was thrown from a horse while shooting the music video for the first single off her seventh album, entitle Buzz, which received six posthumous Grammies. It was rumored before Moore's death that she had been in and out of alcohol rehabilitation, but could not seem to let go of the Mike's Hard Lemonade addiction. 

A teary eyed Nicholas Roberts, head zoologist at the Moore Zoo, emotionally pleaded for the safe return of his ostriches. He insists that he wont press any charges if they come home safely. 

_So you wonder what's new _

_In the petting zoo _

_Losing the snakes was depressing _

_But even more distressing _

_Someone stole the ostriches but left the poo. _

**_OUTDOOR FESTIVAL TURNS INTO MASS RIOT_**

**_By Jox5_**

When the world ended, peoples' tempers started running short. People blow up over silly things, but nothing compares to yesterdays street performers festival. 

It started out just like any other fair.People lost money to rigged games, jugglers entertained little kids, stale popcorn was sold at every corner. Then for no reason all hell broke lose. Witnesses say it all started at the fortunetellers booth. A girl with dark curly hair went in the get her palm read, and next thing you know she was ripping down the booth. Police tried to stop her but she took them down without breaking a sweat. From there it snowballed until every booth, tent, and ice cream stand had been burned to the ground. 

The only person who was hurt was the fortune teller, who can't remember anything about what she said to the girl. The girl with the curly hair got away and police are still looking for her even though there are a estimated 2000 people in Seattle who fit her description. 

**_DON'T BE A LITTERBUG…. ' CAUSE EVERY LITTER BIT HURTS_**

**_By Daf9_**

21st century Seattle vigilantes have given an old slogan from the late 20th century new meaning. Irate residents in Sector 4 have gotten tired of picking beer bottles out of their gardenias and empty boxes of chewable valium tablets out of their forsythias. Taking matters into their own hands they are ensuring that littering really DOES hurt...the litterer that is. 

It all started about six months ago with residents imposing escalating fines for littering (payable immediately). To ensure compliance the resident who first noticed the finable offence would place a "boot" on the offender. The "boot" consisted of a 200 lb concrete block that would be chained to the offender's leg and not removed until the offender paid his fine to the judge who would patrol the streets of Sector 4 three or four times daily. However this form of punishment was quite unpopular with the residents who resented tripping over moaning and groaning litterbugs at all hours of the day and night. After a referendum on the issue Sector 4 started shipping litterers off to Langford prison but that didn't last too long either as prison officials complained to the military authorities. The electric chair proved too unreliable due to the inopportune brownouts. Recently, residents seem to have hit on a rather drastic but highly effective solution: the guillotine. Resurrected from 18th century France the modern day guillotine has not only solved the littering problem but has also proved to be a huge tourist attraction. As an additional unexpected bonus, guillotining of litter bugs has also sparked a growing trash barrel industry in Sector 4. Residents in other Sectors are reportedly considering adopting this highly lucrative solution to the litter problem. 

_If you throw litter in the grass _

_Sector 4 residents will be on your @ss _

_They'll tie your hands and shackle your feet _

_Before they drag you down the street _

_Where you will be guillotined, alas! _

**_COFFEE CRISIS GRIPS SEATTLE_**

**_By Preciousjax_**

Yesterday, coffee loves of Seattle suffered a near fatal blow today when Starbucks released a statement confirming rumors that prices would be rising for the first time in two years. Starbucks became the only venue with a license to sell coffee after other café's couldn't compete with there, believe it or not, low prices. 

The price for a small cup of regular coffee was raised from $3.25 to $4.95 (tax not included). Former stand up comedian and new Starbucks president Lewis Black stated that the price hike was necessary due to the inflation of shipping prices. 

The first effects of the increase could be seen in our very own Streets of Seattle offices. Grown men were reduced to tears. A frantic mother had to talk her daughter, Chief Financial Officer Logan's Babe, off the roof after she went through particularly bad withdraw and threatened suicide. In other cases, Seattle Police Department negotiators had their work cut out for them when a man took one of the many Starbucks venues, and all the patrons inside who could still afford coffee, hostage. He demanded a double mocha latte, hold the cream, extra nutmeg. After a shaky bartended gave him his requested drink, he left willingly, and no one was hurt. Police apprehended him later that morning as he tried to get his girlfriend a low fat cappuccino in a Starbucks across town. 

Prices aren't supposed to drop any time in the future. In fact, if Miss Cleo was correct, then we could be expected to pay anywhere up to a dollar an ounce by the end of the summer. But they say Miss Cleo was just an actor. So, we'll just see what fate has in store for us coffee fans. 

Some ask why this could have such a profound affect on our society. Obviously, they don't know what caffeine is. Caffeine is an alkaloid, among it being other substances such as theophylline, and theobromine. They can be found in various plants and nuts, such as cola nuts, and drinks such as coffee and tea. Alkaloids have several effects on our bodies, more specifically the brain. Caffeine stimulates the central nervous system and delays fatigue. This explains the thousands of city workers that fell asleep on the job and almost brought the city to a stand still. 

Several organizations are already speaking of protests and boycotts. We,at the Streets of Seattle, will keep you posted on this developing crisis. 

_Caffeine, my caffeine _

_Oh where have you bean _

_At $5.00 a cup _

_I can never wake up _

_So now we will meet in my dreams. _

**_ALTERNATIVES TO COFFEE_**

**_By Preciousjax_**

For most of us average citizens, $5 a cup is just too rich for our blood. So what ways can we supplement our caffeine addictions. Well, for one we could just stop drinking it. Once we kick the habit, we wouldn't rely so heavily on the 'kindness' of Lewis Black to get a fix. But, why do that when there are plenty of other things to keep us on that pleasant little buzz that only our favorite alkaloid could give us. Here are some (mainly) healthy alternatives. 

Tea ($2.50)- 

Pros: The Brits seem to know what they are doing. Tea has always been the way they went. Now they are the only ones who aren't being fleeced. 

Cons: Stains teeth. But so does coffee. 

Coke & Pepsi ($3) ? 

Pros: While more expensive than coffee used to be, its two dollars less now. 

You can almost buy two for the price of one. 

Cons: Contains 35 mg of caffeine. Much less than coffee, so you need to drink that two to get the same buzz as one coffee. 

Jolt ($1)- 

Pros: It's cheap! It's cheap! It's cheap! Plus, it's got more than twice the caffeine levels of Coke and Pepsi. Taste better too. Clean, fresh taste. Yep, Jolt's good. 

Cons: I couldn't find any, 'cause it's cheap! 

It is in this reporter's opinion that you all should all go out and buy Jolt. That is Jolt, J-O-L-T. JOLT!!! Why you ask? Because the makers of Jolt are paying me with fresh coffee beans to promote their product. 

_Editor's note: Please see next week's edition for further information on handling the coffee crisis._****

**************************************************

**NATIONAL NEWS**

**_PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE RETURNS...WITH THE SAME OLD MESSAGE 'YOU MIGHT BE A WINNER!'_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

It was perhaps inevitable for that bane of the mass mailing to return after five years of reorganizing and the relaxing of the Military Censorship Codes. Publishers Clearing House, the company that made 'You might be a winner!' a dirty catch phrase has come back from the dead with all new magazines to subscribe, all new items to buy, all new prizes to win...and the same old allegations of fraud.

Even before the Pulse wiped out most of the North American magazine industry, Publishers Clearing House was already on the ropes from the many civil suits against it due to its flagrant abuses with the mailing service. Its offers of riches ranging from $150,000 to $11,000,00 and up have been the subject of at least thirty state investigations and several Congressional hearings into the business of magazine subscriptions. While the company had tried to settle the suits by reforming its rules (such as telling the customers in plain simple English what their chances were in winning and that no purchase was actually necessary) and giving out refunds, PCH continued to flaunt the laws until the Pulse fried its computer banks and destroyed nearly all records of their clients. With the collapse of many of the magazines such as TOWN AND COUNTRY, YAHOO INTERNET LIFE, MOVIELINE, and TEEN and having no foreign backer to risk the capital, the company fell into bankruptcy. With most of the remaining magazines like PLAYBOY, TIME, US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT relying on its foreign bases for support and the Censorship Codes restricting free speech during the Dark Months, PCH was left idle and abandoned. Then in 2013, a multi-national corporation dealing with the revivals of such favorite magazines as TEEN, MOVIELINE, and HOME AND GARDENS decided on resurrecting the mass mailing beast with new rules and new prizes. After dealing with Federal regulators and the Royal Canadian Mail Service, PCH was reactivated in January 2018 and began printing the first mailings recently.

While the cash prizes are still being offered, the amount has been greatly reduced. Instead of $11,000,000, the top prize is now somewhere among $4,000,000. Other prizes include methane generators, hydroponic gardens, a 10 year supply of batteries, and solar powered radios. Some old favorites like PLAYBOY and TIME are being offered, but for now most of the periodicals offered are based on local tastes and regions such as Spanish language magazines in the Northwest and undisputed counties of Texas and Florida and Japanese newspapers here in Seattle and Portland. Items on sale include the usual battery operated clocks, coin sorters, and gag magnets. There are also some notables such as fast growing vegetables and old public domain VHS movies. By year's end, Publishers Clearing hopes to have 15 million subscribers. 

Of course, PCH's return has not been well received by those families burned by the high promises of wealth in exchange for a subscription to a needless magazine. PostMaster General Vicki Masters has promised no one will receive a mailing that doesn't ask for it. Already, there are about 45,000 requests to be taken off PCH's mailing lists. This surge is however offset by the some 250,000 requests for more mailings. Said one unnamed person, "Hey, you can't beat free kindling." 

**_LEGAL DRINKING AGE ELIMINATED_**

**_By Dark_Fairy___**

Kids have always tried to drink alcohol while below the minimum legal age. Before the pulse, it was 21. It was then lowered to 18 after the pulse. Now there isn't any at all. 

Great news right? Wrong! Children have been going into bars, getting drinks, andstarting havoc. Interesting to watch, but its sad that some have actually died.

Age isn't important anymore, to kids, getting money for alcohol is.Female children are going into prostitution, some are stealing, and some arejust spending their money instead of buying nutritional food to eat. 

This is a sad story of Robbie Putter. 

Robbie Putter, just as careless as the others. He and his friend stroll into a local bar for their evening drinks. Robbie is 12, working at South Market with his father. Children have been working South Market for decades, hoping to earn another buck. 

Robbie and his friends had a few extra bucks, after the hard work they putin that day. They eventually got drunk, the bar waitresses told me that they created much havoc, and they were kicked out of the bar. They were robbed by street jackers, and eventually Robbie attempted to walk home, the streets near the waterfront. 

In a drunken rage over being robbed, inflamed by the moonlight hitting the water, he went for a swim.He drowned. His body was washed up earlier this week, and has been sent to be buried. 

The legal drinking age is gone, and unless you and or you want your childrento follow in young Robbie's footsteps, phone our contact line, we are going to get the age back where it should be. 

Contact Line: 1-(441)-729-543 

_*Note*: No one was harmed in the making of this article, and the author whowrote this, was probably just lying. The Drinking Line number is fake. This author has clearly lied to get a pay check. _

**REPUBLIC OF ALASKA, RUSSIA, CANADA IN BERING STRAIT PACT WAR GAMES. AMERICA PROTESTS!**

**By Weirdarchive**

The tensions between the US and the rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska have not been helped by the announcement of war games between the Republic, Russia and Canada, which are to be held in the frozen wastes of Siberia later in early September. The acting US Ambassador to the UN filed a protest on the floor of the General Assembly in Toronto, voicing outrage over Alaskan President 'Governor' William Hodges insistence on stronger military ties with its partner nations. "The man is completely mad!" ,bellowed Trish Yearling to the Assembly members. "He has repeatedly threatened to attack US shipping and citizens because of our continuing opposition of his rule and our desire to reclaim that state which is rightfully a part of the United States. To continue supporting this terrorist is flirting with all out war!" The declaration was met with little regard or acknowledgement from either the Assembly or the countries involved. The war games involved tactics used by the US in the abortive recapture of Alaska during 2013. The tactics involved included the infamous Battles of Fairbanks and Juneau and the harassment raids made by National Guard units loyal to the Federal Government based in Nome from 2012 to 2015. Canada is to provide support units only while Russia and Alaska send in their own troops in mock battles. Rumors also have the Chinese participating as observers.

The three countries are allied in a loose military pact similar to NATO. This alliance, known as the Bering Strait Pact, comprises of the Republic of Alaska, the Russian Federation, Canada, Japan, the Republic of Korea, and the United Kingdom. While there is no 'One Attack' policy (which an attack on one member is perceived as an attack on all members), it's generally accepted that any US action against the Republic would have consequences from its Bering Pact partners. Canada and the UK have gone on record wishing no provocative movements be made to or from the US and Alaska in the interest of peace in North America. Russia and Korea, on the other hand, have expressed their intent on defending their ally even with the use of nuclear and biological weapons if the need arises. Japan has suggested a neutral mediator, such as France or Panama, and a suspension of the games to help defuse the situation. So far, there has been no word on whether the games will continue as planned. President Barrows has yet to announce whether he'll consider diplomatic measures against the Bering Pact members, though a military solution is highly unlikely.

Before leaving for the games, commander of the Alaskan Republic Air Home Guard 'Rocking' Billy Phillip Hayes inspected the troops in Nome. Among them were the elite 'Elvis Squadron' (named after Hayes' previous occupation as head of the Alaskan Chapter of The Flying Elvises), the sailors of the Alaskan Republic attack sub LUCKY BUZZARD (christened after the martyred ex-US Navy sub commander Niles 'Lucky Buzzard' Higgins who led the attack fleet against the hastily assembled US flotilla attempting to raid the Alexander Archipelago and later died in Nome), and 'Governor' Hodges own Alaskan Ice Cube Eaters Corp. Wearing his ceremonial uniform, a mix of Elvis in his Vegas years and John Wayne, Commander Hayes gave out the Order of Fairbanks to ten members of the Elvis Squadron for their help in rescuing a stranded Russian fishing boat which was beached off the Arctic Coastal Plain. "Y'all a fine bunch of men." ,he declared. "The Governor loves ya. The King would've loved ya. I love ya. No man has ever had such love and loyalty here except maybe in Graceland. Thank you. Thank you very much." He then gave his battle cry "Viva Alaska!" and boarded his plane. Shortly after take-off, the Elvis Squadron followed as escort with Russian transport planes taking the Alaskan troops to the war games.

**************************************************

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**EDITORIAL**

**_THE TRUTH ISN'T OUT THERE_**

**_by Samcrazy_**

Television was a major part of life before the Pulse, and the tradition of sitting in front of the TV all day with a bag of potato chips is once again becoming America's number one past time.However, we have discovered that television has had an adverse effect on the adults of modern day Seattle; one program in particular has seemingly warped the way they think.

This reporter is referring to the supernatural show called the 'X-Files', which featured two federal agents seeking out conspiracies.Throughout the series there were a few different species of extraterrestrial life that appeared on our screens and from startling reports compiled by the human welfare commission they have found cases where the fictional world of the X-Files has been mistaken for reality.

This reporter went out in search of such twisted individuals, and after talking to a few people off the street we heard of one who lives in a small apartment towards the east of Seattle's center. He is only known as 'The Alien Man'.

As we proceeded up the block of apartments to the fifth floor, we discovered that the area was almost deserted except for one door that was slightly ajar.After knocking a small man with disheveled brown hair peeked around.He motioned us in, and we observed that the room was small, and very dark.On the walls there were cuttings from the 'Streets of Seattle' from various articles about strange goings-on, but there were mainly photos of different scenes.I decided to inquire about these later.

"Hello sir, we're from the Streets of Seattle, may we have a moment to..."

"Quiet!They're listening you know..."

"Who are listening?"

"The people..."

"The people?Please elaborate"

"Mulder's with them you know...he's a brave guy..."

"Right.Can you explain your fascination with the X-Files?"

"The documentaries off the TV opened my eyes...the strange people caused the Pulse you know?They brought ships..."

"The documentaries?You are referring to the television show 'The X-Files?"

At this point the 'Alien Man' looked at this reporter in a very strange way, but he proceeded to show us pictures he had taken of alien sightings.

He showed us a picture of a tree on a hill in winter.We inquired as to why this was strange.

"It's green...can't you see...in the middle of winter...something has touched this tree you know...it warned me of this in the documentary..."

"I believe that that tree is an evergreen."

He paused and put it back on the wall.He pulled down another, which to this reporter's disgust was of a cow giving birth.

"Look!Look!It's got two heads!It's a new breed of alien cow..."

"That cow is giving birth, you've taken a picture of it when the calf was coming out the mothers womb!"

The 'Alien man' seemed disheartened, and puts that picture back.He looks over at the window, and pulls out binoculars.He doesn't say a word so this reporter assumed that he was done with us.

We researched into other cases of people who have confused X-Files with the world around us, and to our surprise we discovered that there was a foundation called 'The Truth is out there! Help us to Find it!'

We joined the group for a seminar, and took down notes on what the 'anonymous' speaker said.

"We need to embrace the future!Embrace the aliens, you know when I say aliens I mean weird people who walk among us!We know Mulder and Scully were heroes, they were right to uncover those people around us but we have to accept that we are no longer alone!The only things we have to watch out for are fellow humans using alien devices as a source for evil.Like those boys who moved faster then anyone should, and those nasty doctors who messed with Scully.Unite...unite..."

This was the main focus of the seminar, we decided to talk to one of the directors of 'The Truth is out there, Help us to Find it!' foundation.

He wished to have his name withheld because he was afraid 'the suits would come and get him'.

This reporter was about to start but the director wanted to get it over and done with.

"I just want to say that the X-Files is reality and we are not mentally challenged or anything.We like to raise the awareness that people with special powers are out there and they do walk among us.Scully and Mulder are real and this whole crap about the X-Files being fake is just lies made up by the government!"

We got no more from the director, so we moved on.

This reporter has been concentrating on one extreme of this problem, lovingly called 'Foxitis', so we went out and talked to a few people off the streets to see how confused they really are.

"TV show?The X-Files was fact wasn't it?"

"The X-Files?That show messed me up bad!I thought that people like that were real for a long time, it spooked me"

"They were real, weren't they?"

"I try not to go out much in case I get abducted"

"Mulder...he was gorgeous.I was really worried every time he got involved in one of them weird people...yeah; he came close to death loads of times.I look out for his sister, you know, in case she comes back"

Can a television show really mess people up this badly?Or have these people convinced themselves that the X-Files is fact? This reporter chooses not to think too deeply about Foxitis otherwise she may burst out in hysterical laughter.

**_LETTERS TO THE EDITOR_**

Dear Editor, 

Can I just say that I am VERY disappointed with the recent actions of the SOS reporters. I had so much respect for you, I don't know how I can read the paper now without wondering what scandal occurred while writing it. Oh, and I wondered if the wonderful DAF9 is single. 

From a fan of DAF9 and a regular Streets reader, 

Ronald McDonald 

Dear Editor,

Yak slime, yak slime 

Your essence is sublime 

Your odor is fantastic 

Your texture elastic 

And you come in strawberry or lime 

**************************************************

**FEATURES**

**_DREAMING ABOUT ME?_**

**_By legend10013_**

"Am I dreaming? I got paid!! Woo hoo!!" That's what I said yesterday when I saw my check from the "Streets of Seattle". 

Since I frivolously squandered my brand new refund and paycheck on cookies ..I now need money again. I'm back here hoping to help you and get paid. So keep reading my articles or just send in your donations to my cookie fund. No need for money just cookies will do! 

Send in your donation to the following address... 

(edited...) 

(tummy grumbles) 

Alright now lets check out mail bag to see who needs help...I meant need my help. 

Here we go...our first e-mail is from... 

_"I dreaming of tiny mice biting me and eating all my food. What does it mean?" _

_-Shara@owmom.com- _

"Well, Shara if you are a mother of several children I can say this is not an uncommon theme. You subconsciously feel that your children are slowly eating away at who you were as a person. I suggest that you make the father of the children take care of the kids for a week while you go of to a spa vacation. Pamper yourself. Reconnect with who you were and who you want to be. Ifyou have no children then I suggest getting an exterminator." 

-legend10013 

_"Look I hate you and your stupid column. Did I tell you that you ruined my marriage? Anyway I just wanted to know what my dream means?" _

_-Brad@in.com- _

"Okay, if you are dreaming I ruined your marriage I can tell you thatyou suffer from insecurity about yourself. You need to believe in your S.O. more and yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and say "I believe in myself" fifty times then afterwards say "I'm almost as good as legend" a hundred times. There now don't you feel better? I know I do!" 

-legend10013- 

_"I dream of myself and my loved ones being abducted and having experiments done by aliens. The work I'm involved in deals with such things. I think a friend of mine is carrying an alien child...am I going insane? Is the truth out there? Help me!" _

_FM@fbixf.com _

"Is that you again Fox? Well, I told you already that there are no such things as aliens and that your "friend" is fine. Look, take responsibility for what happened between you and your "partner" and look after your kid. You give men a bad rap ...blaming aliens." 

-legend10013- 

_"I don't dream what does it mean?" _

_-writer@da.com- _

"Well, that could only mean you aren't getting enough sleep and eventually it will impact you work. I hope you aren't working in a field that requires creativity. Get some sleep and let me know how it works." 

_In Sector 4 by the church tower clock _

_A great- great-grandson of Sacher von Masoch _

_Dreams of losing his head _

_From the litter he spread _

_As he dances on the guillotine block _

**_ARE MULLETS TOO HIGH A PRICE TO PAY FOR SHORT HAIR?_****__**

**_By Qmontgomery_**

Many Say "YES" 

In recent weeks, there has been a growing concern regarding the large number of bad haircuts sported by Seattle citizens. 

Last week one of our own, DAF9, questioned this new style: 

_"Here at Streets of Seattle we have noticed a disturbing phenomenon the past several months. In two words...bad haircuts. Seattle men used to sport some very attractive 'dos but recently they have all grown long shaggy hair and appear to be in a perpetual state of "bad hair day." What is with that?"_

DAF's article caused officials to become concerned that this unattractive trend would lower the morale of Seattle residents. Plans were made for free haircut days, razor distribution, and grooming seminars, but last week's Twister disaster resulted in numerous cash-draining lawsuits against the city. 

Out of ideas and faced with governing a city full of ugly men, officials Turned to an unlikely source: The Flowbie. 

People of Generation Failure (formerly Generation X), will probably remember Flowbies quite clearly. Featured in a 1990s-era infomercial, the Flowbie promised "quick and easy haircuts for a fraction of the price," with "perfect results every time, right in your very own home." 

The Flowbie's underwhelming sales caused leftover units to crowd dozens of warehouses, where they remained until last week when Sector Police began distributing the gadget to hairy men. 

However, a few days after the Flowbies were handed out, there was no noticeable improvement in men's hairstyles. 

Hairstylist Dale Tutko supplied an explanation: "People in the 90's associated the Flowbie with mullet-style haircuts, it's as simple as that. Time just does not erase those kinds of memories. Nobody wants a mullet." 

When asked if it was possible to create an attractive haircut using a Flowbie, Tutko ventured that it is "possible.....but NOT probable." 

At a recent State Legislature meeting, it was decided in a vote of 27-1 that short, self-cut, scraggly hair is far better than long shaggy hair. Unfortunately, out-of-control weapon laws require a fourteen day waiting period as part of the Scissor/Knife registration process. Because of this, a traditional haircut is far too expensive for most people. 

So with all other options used up, may we at Streets of Seattle offer a suggestion: _cut your hair with a butter knife. Please!_. 

**_HOW TO PASS AS A CANADIAN PART IV_**

**_By Daf9_**

This is the final installment in our "How to Pass as a Canadian" series. You probably thought you knew everything you needed to know after carefully reading and memorizing our previous articles...and you do; almost. Today's article should really be titled "How Not to Give Yourself Away as an American". Those guys on the horses in the bright red uniforms are getting clever. They know you are out there and they have started setting traps to catch you. 

Below we have listed several examples of how the RCMP attempted to make unsuspecting illegal immigrants reveal their American origins and how those individuals cunningly evaded the trap. 

1. One poor bloke who wishes to remain nameless reported that he was in a movie theatre in Frobisher Bay when a beautiful blonde sidled up to him, leaned over and whispered in his ear "Who did you vote for for the Senate?". His response to this was to throw his popcorn in the air and scream "Get away from me, you pervert!" Needless to say; he is still enjoying balmy -40°C weather. 

2. A young woman in Kapuskasing was in her backyard valiantly weeding her tomatoes when an undercover cop approached offering to sell her a semi-automatic handgun. Just as she was reaching for it she remembered her lessons and quickly turned her gesture into making her arms in the shape of a cross as if to ward off evil. The cop apologized and left. 

3. One quick-witted senior citizen in Missisauga was almost trapped when in the middle of his MRI a man wearing medical scrubs and a name-tag reading David Sittler, asked him to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Fortunately he was prepared. After reciting the pledge perfectly he casually mentioned that as an avid fan of Captain Kangaroo he had known the words to "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America" long before he knew the Canadian National Anthem. He then asked the phony doctor if he was a relative of his favorite ex-Toronto Maple Leaf, Darryl Sitler. 

4. When shown a photograph of the Statue of Liberty a Wawa teenager, after correctly identifying the structure, responded to a surreptitious nudge from his mother by adding "I just LOVED Charleton Heston in that original Planet of the Apes movie!" 

So there you have it readers. If you are going to make a break for the True North be prepared and stay alert. 

**_HAIKU_**

**_By Cherokee128_**

Cherokee Sunset   
A flame bursting from the sky   
A wise graceful beast 

**_HOW TO SURVIVE THE POST-PULSE DEPRESSION TIP OF THE DAY_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

It's normal to hate your life! It's okay to hate your job! It's expected of you to contemplate suicide...WAIT! WAIT! GET BACK HERE! I WASN'T GIVING YOU PERMISSION! All right, it looks like we need to play a little game of "It could be worse." 

*Politicians, imagine that the highest position you hold is president of the PTA. 

*CEOs, what if the only advertising your business got was some idiot in a fluorescent ape costume dancing around in front of your building? 

*Gang members, picture yourself as a member of one of your rival gangs. 

*Hospital personnel, if you worked anywhere else, you couldn't pilfer black market drugs with such ease. 

*Squatters, what if the sector police were actually honest? 

*Homeless people...well, you've pretty much hit the bottom. I don't really think it could be worse for you. But imagine this: what if trash wasn't flammable?? Huh? Huh? Wouldn't that be worse? 

_So your life is complicated _

_By the folks to whom you're related? _

_Read Shnapzie's piece _

_Your depression will cease _

_Pollyanna was grossly underrated._

**************************************************

**NEIGHBORHOOD**

**_WITH ENOUGH SALAD FORKS_**

**_By Daf9_**

Back in the early 1980s the American President told the American people in all seriousness that with enough shovels we could survive a nuclear holocaust by each digging a hole in the ground and burying ourselves under a foot or so of dirt. With the lack of affordable housing in Seattle reaching crisis proportions we here at Streets of Seattle are calling for our readers to come up with similarly inventive solutions. 

Apart from squatting in abandoned warehouse or apartment buildings, department store displays, old automobiles, chicken coops and doghouses, many people are going in with 35 or 40 friends and renting self-storage lockers. After all, why would it be called self-storage if it wasn't intended that you store yourselfthere? While small, self-storage lockers have no windows and so do not accumulate dust and grime as a more conventional dwelling might. Moreover they don't have "no pet" clauses. And while you may have to sleep standing up, it's really no different than living in a Manhattan apartment before the Pulse. For those of you who are more loner types, you can put together a small dwelling under your desk at work or at the public library. If you are uncertain as to how to go about this watch the old Jerry Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza did this very thing. 

But let's face it; choosing to live in a pre-existing structure is for the unimaginative! The really enterprising Seattle resident is creating his own dwelling. 

This reporter for example has taken to eating two chocolate cream filled donuts EVERY morning with her coffee in order to save the small wax paper wrappers to build her very own condo. One wealthy neighbor down the street from the SOS offices used the plastic tub from a party-size potato salad from KFC to make a hot tub that was placed in the guest house that was itself constructed from old SOS newspapers that had been mixed with water and glue and molded into an appropriate shape. 

Taking careful note of former President Reagan's solution to surviving nuclear winter, one enterprising young man and his sister went looking for a shovel figuring they would dig themselves a cave in the dirt pile left behind in an old construction site. Of course due to the shovel shortage also plaguing Seattle, they were forced to use salad forks. It's taken them almost seven years but they now report that their cave is nearly ready for occupancy. 

Another possibility is to circumvent the need for housing altogether by living exclusively on Jolt and No-doz. 

These are but a few of many housing alternatives created by SOS employees, their friends and relatives. We would like to hear from you, our readers, as to how YOU solved your residence requirements. 

**_OBITIUARY: JONAS CALE (1953-2020)_**

**_By Preciousjax_**

Jonas Cale, 67, died April 14th in his home outside Seattle. 

He was born October 3rd, 1953 to parents Richard and Caroline Cale in San Francisco, CA. He was a long time San Francisco resident, until 1975 when Cale Industries opened in Seattle. He took over as chairman and CEO of Cale Industries after the death of his older brother, Joshua. On December 28th, 1989 he married Margot Winston, daughter of former senator Charles Winston. 

Survivors include: Wife, Margot; one brother, David; one son, Bennett and wife 

Mary Anne; one daughter, Amelia and her husband Jack; two nephews, David

Jr. and Logan; a grandson, Noah and a granddaughter Claire. 

He was preceded in death by his parents and brother Joshua. 

Vigil services are being held at Grace Funeral Chapel, 847 York St., at 

6:30-9:00 PM on Monday night. Funeral mass will be at 10:30 on Tuesday morning being presided over by Rev. John Sikes. 

**_LOGANS_BABE WINS AN AWARD_**

**_By Daf9_**

Streets of Seattle learned today that our own Chief Financial Officer (at least for the time being) won an award for the Most Scandalous Autobiography EVER published. Second place went to former President Bill Clinton. 

Presumably hoping to preserve her job and her reputation, Logans_Babe published her autobiography under a pseudonym. Unfortunately for her, several of her irate relatives recognized her style and revealed her identity to Streets of Seattle. 

We hesitate to publish the more scurrilous details of Logans_Babe's life story as we don't wish to be liable for inducing cardiac arrest in our more sensitive readers. For those who are stout-hearted and not easily shocked go to [www.OMG.com.][1]

**_WEATHER_**

**_By Daf9_**

Weathermen everywhere are scratching their heads. Doppler 5, the most sophisticated weather forecast radar in existence today, Mrs. Moreno in Fogle Towers whose predictions her apartment neighbors have sworn by for years AND the Farmer's Almanac all agree. Seattle is expecting 7 days of CONTINUOUS sunshine. Not partial sunshine, not mostly cloudy, not hazy but 100% sunshine. The world may be coming to an end. 

**************************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

Ostrich burgers: Not only are they a great beef substitute, they are fresh and pre molded into patties. Please Call Jessica Simpson at 798-65-474-9874 if interested in purchases a case. Snakeskin pants, all sizes available also still in stock. 

FOR SALE: Large collection of whips and chains. Several pairs of handcuffs included. Excellent condition. $50 for set. 

   [1]: http://www.OMG.com.



	13. Thirteenth Edition: Cold Comfort

STREETS OF SEATTLE

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**__

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Managing Editor: Samcrazy**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe**

**Entertainment Editor: Jox5**

**Politics Editor: Preciousjax**

**Contributing Reporter: Legend10013**

**Contributing Reporter: April (X5422)**

**Contributing Reporter: Codthecell2**

**Contributing Reporter: Cherokee128**

*******************************

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_HOVERDRONE SCAM REVEALED BY EYES ONLY, CALE TRUST CONFISCATED_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

In an astonishing chain of events, the biggest industry in Seattle and most of the US today was grounded after Eyes Only blew the whistle on a scam that had been going on for some time.The Hoverdrones that patrol the city have been being used to murder certain ex-convicts, clearing up a mystery that has been plaguing our city for a long while.The report has meant repercussions for some of the benefactors of the hoverdrone project, one in particular: Mr. Logan Cale.The immense Cale trust was passed onto Mr. Cale from Mr. Jonas Cale, Mr. Cale's uncle. 

Mr. Jonas was a joint partner in the running of the Hoverdrones, and after his shocking disappearance his two partners fled the country.The Cale trust was confiscated after Eyes Only made the hack.

In a close-up we looked at the chain of murders using sources in the police department.We discovered that there had been six unsolved homicides of recent parolees.The police department had not at the time released a statement about the homicides, and still has not after the Eyes Only broadcast.There are still the unanswered questions about why these ex-cons had been targeted by killer hoverdrones, and who was in charge of programming the robots to hunt and destroy.There is a lot of speculation that Mr. Jonas Cale's so far unnamed partners may have had more information on the killer Hoverdrones, but as Mr. Jonas Cale is so far missing we can not chase up these rumors.

This reporter arranged an interview exclusively for the 'Streets of Seattle' with Mr. Logan Cale about the recent turn of events.

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Cale.We would first like to clear up the startling rumors that you were involved in your Uncle's 'killer Hoverdrone' business.Are they true?"

"No, they are not.Both Jonas and I had no idea that the Hoverdrones were being used as devices for murdering parolees.I first learned of it after the Eyes Only broadcast"

"And how did you react after the mysterious Eyes Only broke what looked to be a continuous flow of income for you and your family?"

"I was, of course, very disappointed and shocked at the news, but on reflection I find that the truth had to be told.Otherwise these killer Hoverdrones may still be flying around, killing what look to be newly rehabilitated men."

"Many people are responding to the Hoverdrone scam as being a good way to keep these ex-criminals off the streets and from doing anymore damage.How do you feel about that?"

"Well, I cannot say that I am happy or even pleased about these faulty machines killing these men who have done their time in jail.Those men had done their time and whether or not they had learned from their experiences in prison we shall never know.They may have been ready to give back to the community, but we'll never know."

"You mentioned that you believed that these Hoverdrones were 'faulty'.The Hoverdrones are said to be very complex machines with failsafes to stop this from happening, surely they have been programmed?"

"I'm afraid that I don't know."

"Thank you"

Killer Hoverdrones?What's next?Be careful out there on the streets.

**_MYSTERY DISEASE TURNS OUT TO BE URBAN MYTH_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

The people of Seattle were in a state of panic for the last few days after rumors that a deadly disease had broken out in the city.But after the medical authorities jumped in to solve this said epidemic, there was found to be no signs.The subject was dropped, but this reporter has been given the assignment to track down the source of this myth.

We talked to Mr. Sivapathasundaram, who first reported the disease.

"I was visiting a recent investment possibility of mine, Jam Pony, and panicking young man rushed up to me.He told me that a disease was spreading through the company, and he quickly wrestled me into the office.He blocked the lower part of the door so that the infection would not reach us.After we stopped panicking, he found an exit and then he was struck down with the disease.I got into the car and didn't look back"

And you saw some of the employees of Jam Pony suffering with the disease?

"Oh yes, we were approached by several young peoples who had green blemishes on their faces, oh and then the young man who got us out of the building came down with it."

Mr. Sivapathasundaram gave us a description of the disease, putting emphasis on the facial symptoms.

We talked to an old Jam Pony source, Mr. Sketchy, currently recovering from a recent head trauma _(see Food Fight, section B1)_.He explained that he was busy, and only told us that he had no idea what Mr. Sivapathasundaram was going on about.The other employees of Jam Pony were unwilling to comment, although the manager, Normal, did say that he was not aware of any 'disease' floating around Jam Pony

So we seemed to tracked down the source of the myth, but due to a lack of comprehendible evidence we can only draw the conclusion that rumors came become real if you are hysterical enough to believe them.

So we here at the 'Streets' say; don't believe everything you hear, but believe everything you read, namely everything you read in this paper.

**_ELECTRONIC TAGGING:EMPLOYEES ON A LEAD_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

In the world of today many people are falling victim to having their movements tracked by various electronic devices, whether they be Hoverdrones or the new craze, digital locators.

We here at the 'Streets' have become guinea pigs so we can try out these new under-the-skin tags to see if they do anything beside let your employer know when you are on the can or rummaging around in the office supply cupboard without permission.Our Editor-In-Chief Jennem1 equipped all the reporters, both the people who sit behind desks and the ones who go out in hunt of stories, with this new form of keeping track of rogue employees.

It requires a small Internet connection on the computer of the employer and a small injection on the arm.The chip then sits comfortably under the skin, causing only a slight red rash, which can be treated but unfortunately our Editor was unwilling to part with an extra $20 for the ointment.

We set out on our normal daily routine, which meant that a small handful of the active, on-the-street reporters left the office and a few remained behind to type up any researched articles.

As a general overview, this reporter was allowed twenty minutes every two hours in the Editor-in-Chief's office to watch the activities on the computer screen.Each reporter turned up as a little pulsating blip on a map of the immediate area, and sections within that map can be enhanced to see where exactly the roving reporters were.

9:02am-observed the CFO (Chief Financial Officer, Logans_Babe) entering the reporters lounge at an unauthorized time.Jennem1 sent down her two hand servants to shoo her out and back to the accounting office.

9:05am-noticed Jox5 driving up to the Ensign Bros Bagel Bar.The people at the shop were warned not to serve this reporter, only to show him the door.

9:11am-our Senior Reporter Daf9 was seen to enter the building, seemingly to enter into her office and to start work.However, she took a detour and sat in Jennem1's private sauna area for five minutes before being removed.

9:16am-Preciousjax was watched as she walked into the Seattle Mega Mall and purchased a cup of very expensive Starbucks coffee, not only was she wasting valuable reporting time she was found to have billed it to the company health insurance, claiming 'it was what kept her alive'.

At 9:20 this reporter went out and about to research an article about the shortage of toilet paper today and so I walked out into the street.A good half an hour passed before I felt nature calling but as soon as I entered a cubical Will, Jennem1's foot massager entered the restroom to remove me.Fortunately he waited until I was finished.

For the remainder of the hour and forty minutes this reporter refrained from entering any shop that would waste company work time. Instead she talked to another employee of a company called 'Plastic co' which makes garden chairs.He has been tagged now for two weeks, and he tells us of his experiences with the digital locators.

"It's been a non-stop nightmare!Every time I enter the comfort station I get wrestled out by beefy employee, when I try to enter the dining room to get a sandwich a couple of minutes before break time when there's a stampede of factory workers I am thrown out by the dinner lady!It's ruined my life…they know what I do when I'm at home and all my terrible secrets!"

Well, at least he got the rash treatment.

I return to the Editor-In-Chief's office to only to interrupt her in the middle of yelling at her private busboy that he put mayo on her burger by accident.I proceed to observe the now, more wary employees of 'The Streets of Seattle'.

11:07am-Dark_Fairy_ was seen going into the company restrooms.Jennem1 quickly sorted out that problem.

11:10am-Dark_Fairy_ again tried to go to the toilet.I don't think she gets this whole 'Big Brother' idea yet.

11:13am-In an earlier attempt to get coffee Preciousjax was seen putting a whoopee cushion in the sofa in Jennem1's private lounge area.She was taken to the naughty box where she remained for ten minutes.

11:17am-Qmontgomery was tracked after straying off the predicted course that lead to one area that a pre-arranged interview.Instead he tried to stop off at an out-of-town water park that had a particular plastic elephant slide he liked.Jennem1 called the sector police in that area to escort him to his designated location, and she told them not to spare the mace.

11:20am-Dark_Fairy_ really doesn't get it.She was sent to the naughty box.Boy, it is getting crowded in there.

As this reporter now had time to research into this article, I went to the manufacturer of these digital bothers, Mr. Yammagochi

How do they work?

"Well, they use GPS, or Global Positioning System, they pick up what are like radio signals emitted from the chips.The satellite in orbit then relays the location of the said employee to the 'host computer'"

I see.How long have you been making these chips? 

"For around three years now."

How did you come up with the idea?

"This is old technology, funnily enough.It was used back before the Pulse to locate parolees.I just renewed it."

Thank you, Mr. Yammagochi.

Back in Jennem1's office I enter to find her not at her desk, but down the corridor stealing supplies from Daf9's office.I again take up the role of 'Big Brother' and observe the hapless employees.

1:00pm-everyone is in the lunch hall, eating Sloppy Joes with a meat substitute.All except Legend10013 who looks to be sitting in the broom cupboard.Looks like he got lost again.

1:02pm-I was mistaken; Legend10013 was caught eating cookies and herbal gummies amongst the mops.

1:09pm-On their way out of the lunch hall, Weirdarchive and Shnapzie turned off onto the volleyball court outside.Jennem1 allowed this because it had rained yesterday and that would mean dirty great mud holes where the potholes in the court were.

1:15pm- Weirdarchive and Shnapzie were seen drying themselves off in separate restrooms.

1:19pm- Cherokee128 was watched as she sneaked into the lunch prep rooms and stole what was found to be Jennem1's private supply of ready made coffee and coffee beans.Jennem1 had been wondering where they had gone.

This reporter blew off the next time she had the opportunity to watch the SOS employees break rules because of Jennem1's withdrawal symptoms from not drinking any coffee were getting too much for me to watch.

I went to a Doctor Harold, a local expert in the field of implantation to ask if there are any ill after-effects of having an implant under the skin, and how to remove it.

"The chip is not toxic in anyway, and there are no real medical problems that arise from having one.But there are physical effects, basically from the fear of being watched every moment of everyday, the employer could watch you at night and you wouldn't have a clue.This is causing insomnia in many cases I have seen and general worried feelings that you are being watched all the time.

The quick way to remove it is to have an injection that will dissolve the implant.It is almost harmless, only causing severe rash and piles."

For the last watch of the day this reporter walked cautiously in, to see Jennem1 drinking Pepsi, Cola and Jolt all mixed together.This resulted in a very hyper mood all around and her running out of the office for the bathroom every five minutes.All the employees were just returning to the office to pack up.

7:00pm- April unfortunately had a clean record up until now when she tried to walk into the small pool out back of the building only to have flour bombs dropped on her head from a still hyper Jennem1.

7:04pm- Legend10013 tried to stop off at the 'Cookie Factory' on his way back to the office but was caught before he got in by Jennem1's back massager.

At the same time Jox5 position was given away, he was in the same car as Legend10013 and was apprehended as well.

7:08pm- PreciousJax and Cherokee128 blips were next to each other and when Jennem1 sent down her Feng Shui expert to see what was going on she was informed that they were drinking coffee from her personal stash.They were sent to the muddy volleyball court and she threw balls at them surprising accurately from her office window.

7:11pm- Qmontgomery and Weirdarchive went into the group computer room and sat there for ten minutes only when Jennem1 told me to check it out I found that Qmontgomery was being made to look at Weird's porn site, mostly based around Jennem1.I quickly erased the computer history so they wouldn't get in trouble.

7:15pm- Shnapzie's route back to the office deviated and she tried to stop off at McDonalds for a McSalad shaker.All fast-food outlets had been notified however not to serve any of the SOS team now Jennem1 knew where they went.

So the over all verdict is that these tags are annoying and has caused many of the 'Streets' team to go mental over the fact that stealing office supplies is no longer allowed.

There maybe a bit more to say but this reporter must dash off now to get the darn chip moved and to go the restroom.****

**_FOOD FIGHT_**

**_By Jox5_**

Yesterday at approximately 1:00pm, the world's largest food fight broke out on South Market Street. Thousands of tomatoes and other vegetables were thrown in the five-hour melee. Riot police had to be called in to battle the people. 

After much investigation, the police were finally able to identify the cause of the fight. A man known as Sketchy was sporting extremely bad fashion.He wore a green and yellow reflective Jam Pony jacket was just so ridiculous, people felt it had to be covered. In this case, covered with rotten vegetables.

Sketchy is currently in hospital suffering a head wound caused by a flying watermelon. He is expected to make a full recovery in about a week. 

Now the police department is wondering who is responsible for the mess that is rotting in the streets. Enough food to feed Seattle for a week was wasted, and many people were hurt when hit by flying fruit and slipping in the slimy mess. Should the forty-eight people arrested at the scene be forced to clean up the streets as part of their community service, or should Reagan Ronald, designer of the jacket, be responsible? 

Sketchy at first said he was going to sue his boss for forcing him to wear the jacket, but instead accepted settlement when Mr. Ronald signed a contract that said he will no longersay "bip bip bip" ****

*******************************

**NATIONAL NEWS**

**_REPUBLIC OF ALASKA'S FARMS SPROUTING OUT IN NUNAVUT!_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

In an attempt to defuse the growing crisis over the Bering Strait Pact's upcoming war games, Canada revealed its latest agribusiness venture with the rogue Republic of Alaska inside the Territory of Nunavut by building the latest hydroponic gardens for the local First Nation tribes (the local name of the Canadian Indians). The hope in releasing this information is to show the American government an alternate way to resolve conflict thru economic cooperation. The press conference at the Provincial capital Iqaluit, presided over by the Premier of Nunavut and the Canadian Foreign Minister, detailed the trade agreements between the two parties and the various plans for the new farms.

The farms being built are the latest in enclosed hydroponic gardening and solar technology. The farms use a special mixture of liquid fertilizer and nutrients which feed a variety of crops designed for hydroponic use, such as potatoes, radishes, carrots, tomatoes, peanuts, corn and some wheat grains. The solar cells collect the smallest amount of light possible and fuel the inside 'sun blubs' to help the crops grow and mature, even in the worst climate. The storage batteries can maintain the blub during the darkest Winter period for about four to seven months (including emergency power cells) and the enclosures can withstand wind speeds up to Category One Hurricane force.

"We thank 'Governor' Hodges for giving us the means to be more self sufficient." ,Nunavut Premier Joseph LaForte said to a packed assembly of reporters and local Nunavutians. "The President of Alaska has always thought himself a First Nationalist in spirit and expressed his desires to make peace with his blood brothers of the tribes. This gift of farming equipment and personnel will greatly aid us and our fellow Canadians in the Winter months. Surely this man does not want war with his neighbors. He only wants what is best for North America." Canadian Foreign Minister Sandra Conger then joked, "We're hoping to grow some good wine grapes to make a ceremonial vintage celebrating this moment, but right now the grapes are not up to speed."

The Alaskan President, 'Governor' William Hodges, has had a history of good relations with the Native American tribes from his days at the Bureau of Indian Affairs prior to its dissolution in 2004. His willingness to embrace the tribes' culture and beliefs fueled his disgust with the Federal Government that led to his election as Governor in his native Alaska in 2006 on the American Reform Party ticket and his leading the sessionist movement in 2011 after the Pulse. Since that day, 'Governor' Hodges has been reaching out to the native Alaskans and the Canadian First Tribes in hopes of healing the centuries long wounds inflicted on them by the European and American settlers thru loans of technology and grants. This farming agreement is his latest attempt at reconciliation and a possible means to an alliance benefiting the tribes and the Republic.

Press Secretary Andrew Macarthur Tyler could not be reached for comment as we went to press. There has been no official comment from the President over the new agricultural agreements, though such deals in past have been met with some begrudging approval.****

**_WHAT A SHAME!THERE'S A PRESIDENTS' DAY CELEBRATION I COULD HAVE SUPPORTED_**

**_By Daf9._**

Student leaders at the University of Washington today cancelled their upcoming celebration to commemorate the birthday of George Herbert Walker Bush, the 41st President of the United States of America. The theme of the celebration was to be a famous Bush quote exhorting college graduates to become one of "a thousand points of light". Unfortunately the students planning the celebration had misread the quote as "a thousand pints of lite" and had consequently planned a giant beer bash. :

**_TELL ALL BOOK FROM SABRINA ACTRESS SHOCKS EXPATRIATE HOLLYWOOD, NATION OF ISLAM (REFORMED)!_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

Even the present genetucking crisis has taken a back seat in Expatriate Hollywood as a shocking autobiography from Melissa Joan Hart is rocking the community with stunning details of sex, scandal, and soft drugs. The exalted leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (formerly Britney Spears) herself has been shaken by the details of her losing her virginity by the very same girl who played the sweet young witch in SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH. The book, entitled KISS AND TELL...EVERYBODY!, is presently Number #1 on the London Time Best Seller List for Non-fiction and Number #5 in the International Amazon.com Most Requested List. The biography chronicles her coming of age in Hollywood from her days in the old Nickelodeon series "Clarissa Explains It All" and her breakout roles as Sabrina to her controversial movie role as sister to Christina Ricci and Julia Stiles in the film SNAIL ON A RAZOR'S EDGE where the climatic incestuous threesome love scene nearly ended her film career to her present charity work with the refugees of the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory.

By far, the most provocative passages have been her detailed reflections of past lovers, both male and female, from her then boyfriend on and off SABRINA Nate Richert to best friend Sarah Michelle Gellar. Hart deeply recalls her 'deflowering' fellow friend and one time guest star Britney Spears, explaining how an innocent discussion about how to please a boy ended up becoming a lesbian orgy with both women, Gellar, and another as yet unknown woman. She talks about how she and Spears fell in love and had a five year relationship before it ended with both women marrying other lovers. Hart expresses regret not coming out of the closet and having the world accept her love for the then pop queen, but explains that she kept quiet 'for the good of dear sweet Brit whose innocence far outshined her stardom.' The book is even dedicated to her, using her present name and title among the Nation of Islam Reformed hierarchy. While not dealing with the sexual goings on, Hart also talks about how SNAIL's graphic love scenes damaged her reputation in Hollywood in spite of the willingness from all three actresses to carry out the roles of a family going to pieces to near-frightening extremes and how a close friend saved her from self destruction by introducing her to Doctors Without Borders, whose work in the Middle East has saved many lives from radiation sickness and biowar plagues. Hart's position as spokeswoman has brought countless amounts of money and manpower to the charity, as well as bring attention to the many Israeli, Palestinian, Iraqi, and Syrian refugee camps doting the 'clean zones' of the Trusteeship Territory. Proceeds from the book's sale will benefit the charities. So far, about $2 million have been donated in Hart's name.

From her headquarters in Juneau, Samantha Adjia expressed some surprising tenderness and forgiveness as she was interviewed by a BBC news crew for some reaction to the book. "I won't lie to you that my previous life had some happy moments." ,she said quietly. "While my youth was spent deluding generations of young people into a life of degradation and materialism, Melissa was kind enough to show me love and caring. Of all the lovers I had before my acceptance of the Prophet, hers was the most pure. I can't condone what she did by writing the book...but I forgive her in memory of what we shared and thank her for them." While mainstream Islam frowns upon homosexuality, the Nation of Islam Reformed has been instrumental in ordaining many gay and lesbians reverends into its clerical fold. She then instructed all her followers not to harm anyone selling the book or attack any bookstore displaying it. As yet, neither women have talked to each other since Britney's induction into the Nation.****

*******************************

**EDITORIAL**

**_DO SAINTS WALK AMONG US?_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

If so, then why do they hang around here?This is the question this reporter finds herself asking.Nowadays there is a lot that science cannot account for and the people find themselves looking toward other forces to explain some of the things that occur from day to day.This reporter went out in hunt of real-life saints and any accounts of miracles that seem unexplainable.We visited Vicar Antonio in charge of a 'rescue home' for the down and out.The people there hail him as a Saint and we asked why.

"He's always here, 8:00am on the dot.He just opens his doors and has a wide range of things to help anyone who walks in," says John J. Hobo.

"The Vicar is welcoming and kind above all else.He thinks of us as people, not as men who can't be bothered to find work and not as nobodies," says Kurt the Third.

"My child and I thought that nobody cared in this day and age, but when we heard ofthis center we just walked in and he gave me two extra blankets and Freddy, my son, a pick up truck toy to play with," says Jane Doe.

We interviewed the Vicar, and he told us of how he got into this line of work and how he thinks he makes a difference.

"I just looked out of the windows in my church and saw so many people lost and in need of the Lord.I decided that I would no longer be a bystander so I bought a small rundown shop close to the center of Seattle and with the church funds I picked up any supplies that I thought may help the homeless of today."

"That's heart-warming, Vicar Antonio..."

"Oh call me Anty.Everyone else does"

"I see. Okay then Anty, how do you think you've make a difference to Seattle?"

"I think that I've given a few people the will to keep on living.Many of them had lost God after the Pulse and had nothing to do with their lives.Now some of the people I've helped have come to work with me or found work elsewhere."

"Thank you Unky...umm, yes thank you."

We found a real live Saint, but then this reporter went in search of the Saints we couldn't see...

This reporter tracked down a family living in a small house on the inner perimeter of Seattle, who reportedly witnesses a miracle take place.Mrs. Dowacky tells us her account.

"Ma husband was ill...so ill...but then suddenly he was well again!A man came in and then ma husband just sat up in bed and he looked real better!"

We did choose to dump this account because it was obvious that a doctor can to visit but then this article wouldn't be long enough.But now it is so I leave with a closing statement that miracles do happen, but the benefactors are obviously unwilling to come forward.But lets not forget the Saints that do walk among such as Anty.I mean Vicar Antonio.

_Saints walking among us _

_So what's all the fuss _

_Here in the Midwest _

_We'll be more impressed _

_When saints start taking the bus _

**_LETTERS TO THE EDITOR_**

Dear Editor, 

I think that this Superman guy is good for Seattle. Maybe he will teach the sector police a few things about bravery. The last time I dared to go outside at night, the sector police were watching someone get beat up by some gang members. Then AFTER the gang left they rushed to help and sent him to a nearby hospital. If you ask me I think it is a conspiracy. The government is working against us. They want us to think they are doing good and protecting us! ! But they aren't!!! I say this guy can do Seattle some good. 

Elderly woman running scared 

_Editor's note: It's worse than you think. My next door neighbor knows that guy's hair stylist's mother-in-law. According to her; FIRST the sector police stolehis jewelry and wallet and THEN they took him to the hospital._

Dear Editor, 

Your reporter DAF9 is trying to kill me. I am a recovering alcoholic.The doctors say if I take one more drink that I will die. So when this big water crisis comes up I am like no big deal right. well then I see that DAF9 has said we all drink alcohol instead!! she is trying to kill me and I think I will sue. 

Alcoholics Annonmous (SP) Member 

Dear Editor. 

I know why no one can figure out Jonas Cale's death! It is the government!!!! A conspiracy!!! our own sector police!! a cover up I tell you!!! they wanted him dead, and they got him dead!!! I say we riot!!!!!!!!!! 

Second elderly woman running scared 

Dear Editor, 

I just have to say that I was near the tent when that old bat told the curly haired girl her fortune during the festival. And let me tell you it wasn't pretty, and it was obviously not what the girl wanted to hear. She tore outa there like a cheetah, If you blinked you missed her. I think that we should get that fortune teller imprisoned before she tells someone else's BAD fortune!!! 

SC- from the paper across the street. 

*******************************

**FEATURES**

**_ARE YOU ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE?_**

**_By Preciousjax_**

Here is a Nine Question Quiz to Help You Find Out 

(Obtained and Adapted from http://www.davesite.com/humor/caffeine/) 

1. How many cups of coffee do you drink a day? 

a.) none 

b.) a few 

c.) I'm on a intravenous drip 

2. Do you like your coffee regular or decaffeinated? 

a.) decaf 

b.) regular 

c.) Where's my Jolt? Damn it! Who stole my Jolt? 

3. Who makes Jolt Cola? 

a.) how am I supposed to know? 

b.) let me check the can sitting next to my desk 

c.) Wet Planet, duh! 

4. What is the Jolt Cola logo? 

a.) What's Jolt? 

b.) a lightning bolt through the O in Jolt 

c.) A lightning bolt through the O in Jolt with a red shadow 

5. What is the proper way to spell the drug we are talking about? 

a.) what drug? We're talking about a drug? Where? Huh? 

b.) caffeine 

c.) I missed the question while I was sipping my Dew. Can you repeat it please? 

6. What is better; a beer or a mountain dew? 

a.) they both taste like goat piss. 

b.) Beer 

c.) DEW!!! DEW!! DEW!! 

7. What is the meaning of life? 

a.) Helping others. 

b.) helping others raise money to buy coffee 

c.) Stealing coffee from others. 

8. How many letters are in the word caffeine? 

a.) 3 

b.)8 

c.) Why not both? 

9. Do you work for the Streets of Seattle? 

a.) No, or else I would have just paid five bucks to buy it. 

b.) No, but I wish I did. I hear the editor in chief is a hottie. 

c.) I cant remember...its been ten minuets since my last visit to the 

Starbucks website...I cant 

think of much of anything. 

Scoring: 

Add up all your 'A' answers (Multiply by 0): Total ___ 

Add up all your 'B' answers (Multiply by 1): Total ___ 

Add up all your 'C' answers (Multiply by 2): Total ___ 

Grand Total ___ 

_Note: If you answered 'B' to number 9, call 304-847-874-69-874 _

_If you answered 'C', add 835 points to your score. _

If you scored: 

0: You lucky ba*tard. 

1 or More: Caffeine Addicts Anonymous will be meeting in the conference room in the Streets of Seattle's Main Offices at 14 Patterson Street Monday through Fridays, 7PM-9PM. 

**_HOW TO CURE A CAFFEINE ADDICTION_**

**_By Daf9_**

1. Take your coffee pot and smash it on the nearest hard surface. 

2. Remove your shoes and socks and jump up and down on the broken glass 

3. Call 911 and tell them what you did. 

4. Wait for the ambulance to take you to the hospital 

5. Tell the doctor you have a very Low pain threshold. 

6. Suggest Demerol. 

7. Coffee? Who cares about coffee! 

*******************************

**ADVICE**

**_DREAMING OF YOU_**

**_By Legend10013_**

It's that time again. I've squandered my paycheck and I'm in desperate need of funds or cookies. Let me help with your dreams. 

_Hello Legend. I have this recurring dream about this tall dark handsome man who sweeps me off my feet. I fall into his passionate embrace and...and we make love and..then it's like the whole world ends. Darkness, blood... _

_Is it me? Is it? I can deal. Really I can. Please help. _

_B@sunnydale.com _

Well, B. I can tell that you have a self-esteem issue. The world will not end if you and this man fall madly in love. Your fear of losing who you are is natural but you should try embracing this new relationship. Don't let your fear losing control..end up controlling you. Love is about losing control and feeling that nothing but the two of you matter. Neither one of you will be the same. I will see you at the group meeting about that displaced anger issues you have. Please remember to leave Mr. Pointy at home. 

Legend10013 

_If you are reading my e-mail then my dream has come true. I wanna be just like you mister Jordan! I try all day to dunk but can't seem to reach the net. Do you have any advice? _

_R.G.@CHallNY.com _

First, I'm not M. Jordan. And second you may never dunk..well maybe doughnuts...but not the rock. You might have to live with this limitation until we have low cost public space travel. Zero G should help but not with your marital problems. I'm sending you my bill unless you can handle those parking tickets. 

Legend10013 

_Yo! Legend. I got this dream bout this dark haired girl who has a barcode who's into martial arts. What can I do? Haven't slept like in three days! Please hit me back. _

_DAFan@large.com _

Yo! I think I know who you talkin bout. Have you tried to talk'n to her? She just like you an me. Are you fraid she turn you down? Tough. Get over it and ask that girl in the supermarket out. If she kicks your butt then it ain't to be bro! And if her name is Max, then I say.. run for it cause you gonna get you butt beat. 

Legend10013 

_...,!... ..... .... ....!..... "... .. ...." .... ...... .... ....;.... ..'.... ......? _

_V@ghost.com _

... ... .... ...... ..? ........ ... .. ".. .. ..... .. ..... .... ..... .... ..... .. ...." .... ..'... ... 

Legend10013 

_I keep dreaming about this shadowy figure coming to my home and eating all my cookies. Oh, Legend what can I do? _

_Lady W.@gingerbreadhouse.com _

Really? do you have lots of cookies? It's not a dream.... boo! :P 

Legend10013 

That's all for today folks. There are cookies waiting for me. I'll be back next week and we'll see if anyone is brave enough to e-mail us again with the dreams. 

**_ASK DR. LOVE_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

_Dear Doctor Love, _

_My reproductive therapist and I have been dating for months now. And I used to say that I was so in love with her that I could over look the fact that she is too sweet and nosy, plus the fact that she is always on the phone with her patients and that is always telling me about how size doesn't matter. blah blah blah, etc etc... Well, I don't know what to do because our relationship is going down the drain and we were planning on getting married. Could you help me? _

_Depressed _

Dear Depressed, 

A reproductive therapist?? Why didn't you just call date your mother? If you really loved her you would have explained all that to her so that she could work on her problems. In fact, you should do that right now. Explain the situation to her. If everything goes well, then you two should be married in a couple weeks. IF you don't want to do that, you can always just leave her. After all, if she wanted to be a reproductive therapist then think of what your in-laws will be!! 

Doctor Love 

_Dear D.L. _

_I am in love with my mother's fiancé, and we have had sexual relations, which leads me to believe that she loves me too. I am planning on asking her to move in with me. I don't know how to tell my mother. What should I do? _

_Lesbian Love Triangle _

Dear Lesbian Love Triangle, 

This sounds like something off of the jerry Springer show--which by the way is really starting to make a come back. First of all I would say hey, any one is fair game. But your mother's fiancé?? Isn't that a little much?? I mean Iknow they changed like all the laws to accommodate lesbians and gays to marry the same sex, but still, your mother's fiancé? Second of all, how in the hell Iare/I you going to tell her? Cause I definitely am not going to getin the middle of this and make it a square. (lol) The best advise I could giveyou is Jerry Springer. 

The Doc 

_Dear Doc, _

_My boyfriend is like this weakling. He cant do anything. His hair is longer than mine, his eyes brows definitely need plucked, he has green teeth. And he is always going for that gothic look that everyone is having these days.Plus, because of your papers article about toga's, he has started to wear those too. I just don't know if I can handle him anymore, he is an embarrassment to society. To me!! The only thing is, he is rich and he pays for everything of mine. What should I do? _

_Freak Boy's GF _

Dear Freak Boy's GF, 

Olga!! Hey I saw you yesterday with him. It really looked like you were going to club him with that frying pan in your hands. This is my advise,dump him if you don't like him, otherwise if you want to stay with him for his money, start to look and dress like him 

Doc 

_Dear Doctor Love, _

_HELP!!!!!!!!! I absolutely LOVE this man named Dammachine. Except he thinks I hate him cause I publicly embarrass him a few times... big deal right?wrong! he is taking it way too seriously. If only he knew how much we were meant to be together. I just want to say that I love you DTM!!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ....LOVE.....YOU!!!!!!!!!! And that I am sorry. :) I will take you out by the lake and--- _Editors note: the rest of this letter was deleted due to violent and sexual content. 

_Logans_babe _

Dear Logans_babe, 

Well, One of our very own SOS reporters and CFO!!! Writing to me!! Ha! For help! I think they must have gone insane! Well the only thing I can see is that you two are made for each other! go get him!! And if you are reading this DTM, I think you got a person that really likes you on your hands.. If only you saw the rest of that letter, I think you would be more than happy to love her back!! lol 

Dr. Love

_Dear Dr. Love, _

_I'm an idiot when it comes to relationships. I pick the wrong guys and then _

_date them, can you give me any tips on finding the right man? _

_Mrs. Dumb_

Dear Mrs. Dumb, 

There is this dating service out of Olympia that says that they will match 

you with the right guy or your money back (it costs $92.35 to participate). If 

you don't want to do that you could always try the nursing home. That way if you 

make a bad choice you won't have to live with it for long. 

Doctor Love __

_Dear Dr. Love, _

_My boyfriend is into having sex with animals. But since there is a shortage of farm animals in Seattle he wants me to dress in a sheep costume and baa like a sheep during sex. This has me more than a little concerned, should I go along with him or tell him to forget it? _

_Embaarassed in Seattle _

Dear Embaarassed in Seattle, 

This is quite an interesting situation you have yourself in! I believe the best thing for you to is run like he||! Especially if he wants to have sex like that all the time. If it is only every now and again and you can deal with it. . . never mind, just run!! 

Dr. Love

_Editor's note: running is certainly one solution. But if you really like the guy otherwise another approach would be to try and convince him that dressing as a sheep isn't a good idea. Maybe you could try deliberately misunderstanding his request and show up dressed as a linebacker for the LA Rams. Unless of course he secretly wants to play for the all-boys team in which case back to your original plan._

*******************************

**POETRY**

ROBOPHOBE

**_By Codthecell2_**

I can't imagine why-I even sit and try   
My words are lost on you-You're mind seems made up to   
This guilt and piety are just a fantasy   
That you've created to-Make others kneel to you 

And I see it now   
What lies inside   
Do you believe me   
cause I tried 

I don't know what I'll find-Each time I buy your lies   
A hand out or a tear-Shed for your wasted years   
But see I'm not that dumb-Trapped underneath your thumb   
I've striven so hard to-Not be a clone like you 

So grab your guns my friend-Feel free to jump back in   
And try to fade into-A crowd that looks like you   
Someday I hope you'll find-Something of yours inside   
To break you out of mold-And gain back what you have sold   
'Cause inside of everything-There is an endless sea   
That churns your thoughts into-Assimilated ruin   
And what will happen then-When you look back my friend   
And those who prosecute-Are on the hunt for you 

And I see it now   
What lies inside   
Did you believe me   
Cause I tried 

So take a ride, inside my mind   
Step inside

**_CINQUAIN_**

**_By Cherokee128_**

Stallion 

Brave, Wild, and Free 

Protecting his only mares 

He makes me feel as wild as he 

Strong Horse 

*******************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

Wanted: Gold toilet out of Jennem's bathroom. Call LB@SOS 

Personal: Woman looking for a man with good looks. Must know how to cook masterpieces. Must be able to have intelligent conversations. AND liketo take long walks on beach. Mirille 555 678 2345 

Lost: One hundred teeth. Must have by Sunday's mass. 

For Sale: Elegant glass marbles. Call Anom-alie @ 567 799 0987 

Personal: friendly female with lots of cats looking for someone to have tea with on Sunday afternoons. call Mrs. Nezbit @ 697 088 5860 


	14. Fourteenth Edition: Etc.

Dear Managing Editor, Streets of Seattle 

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**__

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Managing Editor: Samcrazy**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Chief Financial Officer: Logans_Babe**

**Opinions Editor: Shnapzie**

**Contributing Reporter: April (X5422)**

**Contributing Reporter: Codthecell2**

**Contributing Reporter: Jrt_Owned**

**Contributing Reporter: Iluveyesonly**

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: Jame (Midnighblaze)**

**Contributing Reporter: DCRacing**

************************

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_NOW THAT COFFEE IS $5.00 A CUP, IS AA UNCAFFEINATED?_**

**_By Daf9_**

Since Seattle's water has become undrinkable and the price of coffee and tea has topped $5.00 a cup, many of our readers have been turning to alcohol. In fact, some of them report that the quality of our writing has improved significantly since they started consuming SOS editions with a glass of pre-Pulse wine or a snifter of pre-Pulse port. However, this raises an interesting question - if you can't drink alcohol what DO you drink? And in particular, what do they serve at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings? 

Having expressed concern at the nature of some of DAF9's recent articles (and the pile of empty beer bottles blocking the entrance to her office) Editor-in-Chief Jennem1 assigned DAF9 to attend AA meetings across Seattle and report back to you, the readers, the answer to how recovering alcoholicsare quenching their thirst. 

Careful research revealed five regularly held AA meetings within the confines of the city of Seattle. 

There is a meeting every Thursday at 10 PM held in the offices at Father Destry's church 

A meeting is held every Monday morning at the burning trash barrel in South Market. 

Wednesday afternoons between 2 and 4 PM AA members congregate in the parking lot out back of Fogle Towers, beside the battered blue Aztec. 

A fourth regular meeting occurs Tuesday and Friday mornings in front of the washing machines at the Vogelsang Laundromat. 

And finally there is a meeting at the Italian embassy that starts at midnight on Saturday and goes to the "wee small hours" as they say. 

Curiously, the same thing is served at every meeting. Carrot and papaya juice slurpees served with a lime twist and a drizzle of Hershey chocolate. 

The Italian embassy experimented briefly with replacing the carrot juice with extra virgin olive oil but thieves kept stealing the bottles. 

Naturally this reporter made inquiries as to how this particular beverage was adopted as the alcoholics' alternative. Nobody I talked to knows. But if any of our readers have the answer and would care to enlighten us here at Streets of Seattle please write a letter to the Editor and address it tothe attention of DAF9. 

**_TOO MUCH TOO YOUNG_**

**_By Jame (Midnighblaze)_**

Whatever happened to the days when kids were kids?

Nowadays children as young as ten or eleven are drinking heavily. Due to underdeveloped livers and internal organs their bodies can not cope with the strain of an excess of poison to their systems. Not only is drinking thought of as the 'cool' thing to do but there is the unhelpful fact that alcohol is readily available and inexpensive as certain types (especially beer) are in surplus.

Not only are rich twelve-year-old children stumbling around the streets at midnight but homeless streetkids are being lead to riots and illegal activities by influential elders. Due to the fact the alcohol impairs judgment these adolescents have no idea what they are doing until they wake up in lock-down the next morning. 

A large production company (wishing to remain anonymous) that I talked to for a few minutes over the phone (before they threatened legal action if I didn't 'get my blubbering @ss off the line') said; "Kids are allowed to drink. We didn't make the law. Alcohol is good for you…" 

Rumor has it that large corporations like this one did have influence in completely deleting the legal drinking age. Readers should also note that alcohol has more negative effects than that spokesperson suggested.

Education is the way to go – wouldn't you think? Unfortunately there are no current programs in place.

"The kids know its bad for them, but in a sinking country like ours self-esteem is at an all-time-low… What's the point of educating them is they refuse to learn?" Mrs. Cate of a local high school argued. 

After attending a session of Alcoholics Anonymous I was almost ready to give up on this story and hit the bar. 

"I let my kids drink." Cries Miriam, a fifty-year-old widow and alcoholic, "After Benny was jailed for murder and Kelly jumped off the second story I turned to drink myself. She was only fourteen!" Was alcohol part of this devastation? It would appear so, AA spokesperson Jim Daggs tells me; "This country is a [disgrace] No one cares 'nymore. I don't care 'nymore…" (Please note: Jim's statement was carefully retrieved amongst a lot of slurring and stuttering.)

Penny, a fifteen-year-old High School dropout talks to me after a bribe of cheap beer. 

"Us teenagers we ain't got much going, you know? Drinkin' is like escape 'cos none of us can afford [censored] anymore. It makes ya happy and with all of this sh*t happening today we'll be dead soon one way or 'nother." Jobless and penniless the way Penny is drinking she will kill herself long before anyone/thing else will, John, a doctor from a large public hospital confirms. 

"In the last week we alone have had twenty alcohol related deaths, over half of which were kids between the ages of eight and fifteen. It's sickening to see them throwing their futures away. I don't know why someone isn't doing something about it!"

Government officials refuse to comment on the situation and it is most likely that the drinking age will stay deleted until someone wakes them up. 

For now, I'm going to hit the bar. And remember kids: Drink is Bad. **__**

**_PAINTING THE SPACE NEEDLE_**

**_By April (X5422)_**

_Seattle, Washington_ - The Space Needle has become the object of many dares in the last few months. The challenge is to climb to the top of the Space Needle and paint one's name . The number of reported cases is rising each and every day. 

Since March 17, 2020, there have been twenty reports of individuals seen climbing the Space Needle. Five of these attempts have resulted in death. The most recent of these deaths occurred on July 31. A young man, Phillip Young, fell to his death while trying to paint his girlfriends name at the top of the Needle. 

Currently the Sector Police are not doing anything to control this problem; in spite of the five deaths that have resulted so far. I tried to contact the Chief of Police but his secretary would not put me through. 

How many more must die before the police in this city will take action and do something to stop it? Please contact your local police station and express your concerns about this problem. With enough pressure from the public, the police might try and put a halt to these dangerous dares.

**_UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT:_**

**_By Daf9_**

Vogelsang's Private Investigations and Laundromat, which closed last year due to the sudden death of the owner/operator, will re-open this Saturday under new management. Bearing in mind the fate of the previous owner, the new owners wish to remain anonymous. In addition to seeking missing persons and undertaking investigations into financial wrong-doings, the new and improved agency has added dry-cleaning and fur storage to its repertoire of services. Each new customer to the investigation agency will be allowed to wash and dry one load of laundry without charge. In addition, depending upon the final cost of your investigation, you will receive stamps redeemable for dry cleaning services. ****

************************

**EDITORIAL**

**_COMMUNITY STILL COUNTS_**

**_By Samcrazy_**

With the huge amount of death and corruption in this city, it seems that the Pulse has truly destroyed everything that this nation once held so dear, leaving nothing good in this state to look to as an achievement.

But recently there has been a break in the normal pattern of everyday life in Seattle.The local school and residents in the outskirts have pulled together to raise over $300 for the old library in the area to be repainted and refurbished.And it seems that the council has used this happy event to improve its image, by fronting the costs for totally reconstructing the small, rundown building chosen for location for the new one.

We interviewed the head of the funds dept., Ms. F. Kiergigle."We felt that the children who have grown up in this troublesome time needs something to look forward to doing everyday, and having a warm, welcoming environment in go into to read seemed the best thing to do.When we were first approached by the head of the school board and he told us the idea, we immediately said yes."

The project will be completed in two months time, all thanks to volunteers in the area.The first step is to repair the walls, and place the roof, and lay down flooring.The whole plumbing system is being replaced, and a new bathroom is being written into the plans.Officials have checked out the electrics already, and they are said to be fine and safe.

Then it is up to the children and parents to decide what paint colors and seating is to be put in.The most important part is then to be decided.The books are being compiled as you read this article by people all over Seattle, old and new are accepted.

It seems that in every cloud is a silver lining, and in this time of sadness and despair the community has finally awoken to the fact that they have to improve their lives, not just for them, but also for future generations.

**_LETTERS TO THE EDITOR_**

Dear Managing Editor, Streets of Seattle 

We read with great interest your recent article about your organization's use of our competitor's digital locators. It would appear to us as it undoubtedly does to you that the biggest problem with their system is the employer time that must be spent monitoring employee activities. Do you as an employer REALLY want to be sitting in front of a computer screen when you could be on a beach in the Bahamas? A second major problem with DLs is the investment of company resources in employing re-locators to escort your regular employees from wherever they have wandered off to back to their jobs. To simultaneously circumvent both these problems we at S&M Systems have come up with the Electronic Educator. This is a modification of the old "Invisible Fence" system used back in the last century to keep your dog from leaving your yard. We implant an electronic device into each employee. The device is programmed as often as necessary to define exactly where you expect each employee to be at any given time. No monitoring is necessary because ifthe employee is not where he or she is supposed to be the device will deliver an "unpleasant" electronic shock. Our doctors have assured us that the resulting ugly bruises and occasional seizures cause no permanent harm to your employees. 

If your organization is interested in trying out our product we offer a 30 day free trial period. Please feel free to contact me at the number below and pass this letter on to any of your colleagues who might be interested in our system. We havea program whereby for every new client who provides your name as a reference you receive a 10% discount on each Electronic Educator you order. 

I look forward to hearing from you. 

Markie de Sade 

_Editor's note: I am indeed very interested in this modified 'electronic fence' system. However, I would like to draw to your attention that the employer, in this case the lovely Jennem1, in fact spent little time watching the tagged reporters and more time raiding Daf9's office for pencils and pens. This experiment only served to amuse her for 30 minutes approx. and she only turned the screen on when I was in the room or when someone was trying to steal her coffee supplies. _

_Though I am interested in purchasing a dozen of your chips and perhapsa method of injecting them into certain people without them realizing. Itwould be very entertaining to observe these electric shocks administered to the SOS team. However, I would lose the option of watching where the people of the 'Streets' go when they are wasting time. Samcrazy, Managing editor_

Dear Editor  
I witnessed that food fight on South Market Street that was described in  
JOX5's article. It was every bit as bad as your reporter described it and could have been even worse! Luckily a fashion challenged actor named Michael Weatherly didn't pass through South Market until AFTER the police had already dispersed the rioters. If Mr. Sketchy's less than appealing attire caused a reaction, Lord only KNOWS how the crowd would have reacted to Mr. Weatherly.  
Shops at Saks****

Dear Editor,  
How can you call yourself a REAL paper when you have no comics?  
Just wondering in Seattle

Dear Editor,  
Your staff is a bunch of lazy bums that might even rival my own workers, and  
if these electronic tags that SAMCRAZY wrote about can keep you guys in line, outfitting my crew with them might actually force them to get some work done around here.  
Reagan Ronald  
PS: If I were you, I'd seriously consider an Operation Clean Sweep and get rid of your shiftless employees.

************************

**ADVERTISEMENT**

**_AHOY! It's Captain Don!Good news!Once again God is working through Captain Don's Hands! and we all know Captain Don loves doing Gods work! Captain Don is very proud to announce the opening of "Brother Don's Sanctuary," a home for runaway teenage girls. All cute young girls are welcome at Brother Don's. We will see that the girls get Medical care, food, clean clothing and of course a warm & dry place to sleep. Some of these lucky young ladies will qualify for the Captain Don's charm school and this will allow them to get great jobs on Captain Don's pleasure cruise ships and have the opportunity to entertain wealthy Asian businessmen. Many of the other girls will get the opportunity to work in one of Captain Don's classy other businesses, "The Captain sez there's always room for one more cute girl!"If you feel God is talking to your heart, maybe you should show your love for God and make a Large Donation to Brother Don's of cash, land, teeth, cars, houses, gold, guns, gas, healthy organs or anything else of high value. Remember you can't take it with you and the more you give now the more you will have in heaven! God loves you and so does Captain Don!_******

************************

**ENTERTAINMENT**

**_BOARD GAMES, ZERO TECH TOYS MAKING A COMEBACK!_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

Remember those old pre-Pulse commercials with the newest XBox and Playstation 2 games and how they all said this was the wave of the future? Well, it is 2020 and the hottest game in town is...Chutes and Ladders? That's right, the good old days are back as board games from Candyland to Monopoly are selling out like hotcakes to a population bored crazy and too broke to score even the refurbished Gameboys and Sega Genesis 16-bit consoles.

This latest retro craze started in 2015, after law and order was finally reestablished throughout America (save for the Disputed Zones and Alaska.). Television services were still sporadic. VCRs and DVDs were largely out of action. Movie theaters became either expensive or hotbeds for revolutionaries. The remaining video arcades fell to the hands of the gang lords. Libraries were being used as command centers or free fire zones. Basically, a large part of the population were getting bored and stir crazy and the Military Command couldn't afford the jail space or the bullets. An emotional crisis of epidemic level was being brewed...until salvation came in the form of a Parker Brothers sale representative.

Parker Brothers managed to survive the Pulse and the economic chaos with minor damage to their assets. They wanted to do their part for the reconstruction of America. Their idea was simple: have the Military Exchanges and selected areas sell the most beloved board and card games like Uno, Monopoly, Sorry!, Clue, and Yahtzee! for a mere faction of the original pre-Pulse price. The people would buy up the games and amuse themselves, thus keeping a potential security risk from getting out of hand. The Military Civil Commission took to the idea like a shot, and in 2016 the first post-Pulse board games became available for the public. Eager civilians, wanting for entertainment, bought out truckloads of games. Not only were the old favorites were being sold, but also other low and zero tech toys like teddy bears, rollerblades, bikes, ping pongs, toy trains, and plastic bats. (Due to security concerns, some items were kept from the public. Jacks, marbles, and Louisville Slugger bats were prohibited for their potential lethal use by terrorist cells.) In just one year, Parker Brothers Toys Unlimited recovered its losses from the Pulse and made a 120,000% profit at the relocated Wall Street Stock Exchange in Montreal, Quebec. The money was then used to modernize the surviving plants and created variations of the old games such as a version of Monopoly with post Pulse deflated currency and the famous Patchwork Teddy.

Right now, the highest selling board games are Monopoly (both pre and post Pulse version), Candyland, Mystery Date, Clue, Boggle, and Sorry. Plans are being made to introduce a post-Pulse version of Life!, Payday, and Risk with the world's map redrawn to fit the political changes in the Middle East, South America, and of course Alaska. Delivery date for these games is set for late October, just in time for Christmas rush.

**_LIFE IMITATES ART_**

**_By Daf9_**

I was at a movie theater this weekend where I happened to catch several episodes of an old TV show titled "Dark Angel". The parallels between that show and our city today are almost unbelievable. First the show takes place in Seattle. Well that's no biggy, it had to be set somewhere; and it's not really Seattle anyway. It was filmed in Vancouver pretending to be Seattle. But this show, filmed between 2000 and 2005, also PREDICTED the Pulse and the economic chaos that followed. Is that eerie? The show EVEN predicted police corruption and a cybercomputer hacker referred to as "Eyes Only" who exposes it. Now we know where our "Eyes Only" got his name. But before you start thinking this is a clear example of time travel, there are some obviously fictional elements in the TV show. The most notable is the existence of a secret government organization (called Griffin or some mythological creature like that) that had cloned human beings to create super human soldiers. In the world of this show, one of these super soldiers joins forces with "Eyes Only" to fight the good fight. I'll wager that our own "Eyes Only" wishes he or she had such a colleague. If you want to catch Dark Angel it is part of a retrospective titled "Hit television shows that heralded in the millennium" showing until the end of the week at the Roxie at Euclid and 7th. Call 555-8989 for show times.

**_TELEVISION HIGHLIGHTS_**

This week on Jackass: All bugs, all the time. In a special compilation edition, Jackass features various people eating various creepy crawlies, from earthworms to grasshoppers to a crispy fried tarantula. Production of "Jackass" moved to Canada, along with the rest of MTV, in 2010. Once again, we're seeing the inevitable culture class. In Canada, eating insects is a joke. Here in Seattle, it's protein. _Jennem1_

_**AN IRON CHEF SPEICAL: RUMBLE IN FAIRBANKS!**_ It just had to happen. The President of the rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska, 'Governor' William Hodges, challenged both the Gourmet Academy and the American cultural blockade to a contest of epic proportions. The Four Iron Chefs (Chinese, French, Italian, and Japanese) and Alaska's own top wizards of the kitchen (Chinese, French, Italian, and 'Native Inuit Cuisine') will fight out in grand style at the newly constructed Fairbanks Television Studios with Chairman Kaga The Second and the Countess Emerald holding court. Four matches will take place with a final tag team event with the two winning Iron Chefs and Alaskan challengers. Judges will be from the cream of Japanese society and members of the Alaskan People's Assembly. While the theme ingredients will not be revealed until the start of each battle, the Chairman has decided to allow extensive use of Alaskan products and foods fresh from the Nome hydroponic gardens for the matches on the request of the 'Governor'. As usual, Melvin Fritz, Dr. Jason Ishinabe of the Hattori School of Nutrition, and Frankie Powers will provide color commentary and play-by-play in this spectacle of cooking skills and mastery of the senses. To be aired live at 8 PM on Canadian Broadcasting and replayed tomorrow at 8 PM on Seattle's Public Broadcasting Network. _Running time: 3 hours. Weirdarchive_

************************

**FEATURES**

**_ODDITIES_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

The toga is coming back and with flare. With everyone practically penniless, 

it is no wonder. To make a toga, just take any old curtain, sheet, or large pieceof fabric and wrap it securely around yourself. VoilaAn outfit suited for...well, post-pulse Seattle survivors! 

SELF STYLED SUPER CHRIST

**_By Codthecell2_**

The flood of sorrow-Wont stop, the storm grows   
I'll go   
The winds are calling-But my soul has fallen   
Drawn in   
Seasons chases-As time erases-Faceless   
I stumble onto the idolized, the meek, the untrue 

Your self styled-That superchrist in you   
Is an empty shrine-That's just one part of you 

The gates of treason-Slam shut and without reason   
They gather unto chosen gods that failed them in   
their youth   
The tears that they shed-Stain truth their souls lost   
Left dead   
Interests binding-Trudging on we leave there finding 

The self-styled-The superchrist in you   
Its an empty shrine   
That's just ONE part of you 

Now all is hollow-I drank from the flood of sorrow   
Those waters rage free But I find they cannot   
Cleanse me   
The things I'm dreaming-Are so pale it leaves me   
Seething   
All is hollow, and when did I become that shallow ****

**_DTM_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

D- DREAMS that I have of you 

T-TWIGHLIGHT is when I think of you most 

M- how MUCH I love you 

GODS GHETTO

**_By Codthecell2_**

Too many trips and not enough time   
To expect coherent rhyme   
And the glow on the meadow, is a cheap Gods ghetto   
and the sky is as gray as a dime 

Picture like stillness sets in like an illness   
And everyone flocks and hopes to fill this   
But you cant _ _CK with Jesus, He'll supposedly free us   
Honestly I've never seen him   
I've dreamed him 

The time flies but I have no fun   
Six beers and my _SS is done   
I keep searching for the perfect wife but instead I get a hoodrat   
And this semi charmed life   
It's so sad I was just a fad, blown away yesterday like my worthless dad   
But in the end who's your friend-Who can you trust   
If you leave a friendship on the stove its bound to rust 

Time's always passing-And seems so everlasting   
In the altered frames of your mind   
But the truth that you're seeking will always be creeping   
Into those places you dare not to find 

and all we can do   
Is wait my friend   
for the bitter end   
and all we can do   
Is hope to say   
We'll see another day 

**_REFLECTION_**

**_By Sportzgirl16_**

I've walked so long.  
It seems hard to go on now.  
With so many paths to take,  
it seems like the choice is never ending.  
************************

**ADVICE**

_Dear He Said/She Said,_

_I am a mother of 7 and grandmother of 15. Recently my oldest daughter but one told me that one of my grandsons (I think its Billy or possibly Marcus) has been diagnosed with some disease with a complicated name. She wants me to get pregnant by in vitro fertilization so that the embryo can be harvested for stem cells to cure my grandson. I am the only one in the family with a compatible genetic make-up. But I am torn. My pastor tells me this is very wrong...but my daughter and the rest of my family say they won't ever speak to me again if I don't do it. What should I do? _

_Worried grandmother and Christian_

Dear worried grandmother,

You go ahead with the procedure. The illness is real, the family strife is real. We won't find out if religion is real until long after this dilemma is settled. Live in the here and now and let the future stay in the future.

_Dear He Said/She Said,_

_Lately I've seen someone standing on the space needle. Should I call the Seattle PD? _

_From, ISeeSomeone _

Dear Isee, 

Should you call the police? Depends, how good is your aim?If it's not that good, then either use a thermonuclear device...or call the Seattle PD.

_Dear He Said/She Said,_

_My teacher is always telling me to think outside of the box. How do I tell her I *like* the box? _

_Anonymous Squared._

Dear A2,

This is post-Pulse Seattle. Of course you like the box.50% of our citizens are currently living in boxes.Your teacher has no right to belittle your home.Show her a picture of a refrigerator carton, tell her you live in it, and I'm guessing she's quiet down real quick.

_Dear He said/She Said: _

_I'm afraid of the dark. So afraid, I can't get out of bed at night, even to go to the bathroom. Help! What shall I do! Even if I have lights on, I know the dark is out there! _

_Wet and Alone_

Dear Wet and Alone,

Although the dark is out there, so is the light.It's always light somewhere in the world.Buy yourself a chart of time zones, memorize it, and convince yourself you're a high-speed world traveler.Alcohol, herbal gummies, or hypnosis might help with the process.

_Dear He Said/She Said: _

_I'm in a relationship with a man who never sleeps. Really, I swear, we've lived together for 6 months and I've seen him sleep maybe 10 nights altogether. He's a construction worker, so I don't think he's sleeping on the job. I suspect there are drugs involved. Should I try using one of those home drug testing kits on him? _

_Sincerely, _

_Living with Sleepless in Seattle _

Dear Living with Sleepless,

Does he have any suspicious tattoos? Like, perhaps, a barcode tattoo. There is a...uh...cult I have heard of that has people who never sleep and have barcodes. If he does have a barcode, run like hell and get out of the city. Tell loverboy get out too. In fact, I think I should also.

_Dear He Said/She Said: _

_I have a problem. We have rats in our apartment. I, being a normal human being, hates rats. I want them dead and gone. They eat our groceries, they poop on the sofa, they're disgusting, filthy creatures. _

_My roommate, on the other hand, gives each rat a name as soon as it's spotted and then tells me we can't eliminate it because it's a pet. _

_I'd write more but there's a rat chewing my pen. Please help. _

_Sincerely, _

_Rodent's Roommate_

Dear Rodents Roommate 

Get a cockroach. One of those new genetically enhanced roaches that all the high class Asian pet stores are selling. It will scare the tail off your rat... and with any luck your roommate will move out. 

Just be sure to plant some crumbs in his or her suitcase before he/she leaves so the roach will depart at the same time.

_Dear He Said/She Said, _

_During the latest toilet paper shortage, I was forced to utilize back issues of Streets of Seattle. Unfortunately, the ink came off and now I"m left with several editorials printed on my backside, which won't come off. _

_I've just become involved in a new relationship, and I don't know how to explain this to my girlfriend. Any advice? _

_Sincerely, _

_The Back Page _

Dear Back Page, 

It would be easier to answer your question if we knew exactly which editorials you are wearing. However, based on the information you've provided I would go with government conspiracy. Everyone knows that both the civilian and military governments are famous for their random acts of totally irrational behavior. Tell your girlfriend you were coming home late one night from volunteering at the local soup kitchen when you were accosted by several FBI agents who took you blindfolded to a dark room where they tattooed SOS editorials on your backside. Having been sworn to secrecy you can't explain it any further than that.

************************

**CLASSIFIEDS**

FOR SALE: One diamond ring, complete with finger. Call 7657380423611, ask for Tacoma Bleed. 

FOR SALE: One gallon jugs of spring water from the Appalachian Mountains. $6.99 per jug. Limited quantities. Call 56982314853245 ext. 45892. 

Personal: Looking for nice looking female that can turn a blind eye to anything illegal. Jake @ the gun shop 

Found: Big black hummer with lots of guns. I want a good price for it. Sketchy @ JP

Wanted: Cages. I'm in great need of large cages 4'x 4' or larger. I'm also in need of Restraints-handcuffs-ankleshackles-thumbcuffs-chain-tieraps and any kind a face/mouth muzzle. Come on by the pier and "Lets make a deal"!!! I have cash, gas, food, wine, smokes and I even have Penicillin! and a few bottles of good old A100!!! kills crabs and lice on contact!!

Man looking for man's best friend. Doesn't have to be alive, but it should be stuffed if dead.

Wanted: Used Pizza. Any toppings, including mold.

For sale: 45 pounds of Tupperware in ghastly colors. Will PAY any takers 25 cents a pound!


	15. Fifteenth Edition

STREETS OF SEATTLE RANDY LARSEN Jennifer Maslowski 3 11 2001-10-22T18:25:00Z 2001-10-22T18:29:00Z 10 5848 33334 RANDY & LINDA LARSEN 78848 277 66 40936 9.2720 MasterPages 6 pt 6 pt 0 

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**EDITION 41, 2019******

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor in Chief:  Jennem1**

**Senior Editor:  Daf9**

**Contents Editor/Opinions Editor:  Shnapzie**

**HTML Editor/Promotions Editor:  Meeganpie**

**Managing Editor/Columns Editor:  Samcrazy**

**Chief Reporter:  Weirdarchive**

**Chief Financial Officer:  Logans_Babe**

**Comics:  Rojo**

**Contributing Reporter:  2NDMOUSEW**

**Contributing Reporter:  DCRRACING**

**Contributing Reporter:  Olgerth**

LOCAL NEWS 

**_INCREASING NUMBER OF SASQUATCH AND ALIEN SIGHTINGS AFTER FIRE, SHERIFF BAFFLED!_**

Not since the great UFO hysteria shortly after the Pulse has there been such panic and insanity a week after the fire that gutted the Morningside VA Hospital, rumored to be a front for the Manticore Transgenics project. The number of sightings of Bigfoot, Jersey Devils, and other urban legend myths has skyrocketed to alarming levels, forcing law enforcement to  consider enacting a Level Five Alert for reasons of public safety and to collect evidence of a possible arson.

According to reports made public by the Washington State Police, the first sightings of the infamous mad beast Bigfoot started shortly after 3 AM, approximately two hours into the inferno that was engulfing the VA Hospital. Williams Jones, an unemployed lumberjack, was with a few individuals attempting to illegally cut several lumber trees to sell on the black market when an apelike creature confronted them and gave a struggle. Despite being pelleted with a 12 Gauze shotgun blast, the creature succeed in injuring Mr. Jones and three of his cohorts as well as damaging two trucks and an untold amount of lumber equipment. At present, four men are in Intensive Care in guarded condition and under armed guard.

The next sightings were even more bizarre. A family squatting on an abandoned Wildlife Preserve reported to have seen a 'lizard man' feasting on insects on a nearby stream. When they tried to take a picture of it, he ran into the woods being chased by several 'midgets with guns making funny beeping noises' claimed one of the family members. A farmer close to the hospital who witnessed part of the fire swore several 'Moonmen' escaped the complex with guards shooting at them. The unidentified man blames the destruction of the hospital on 'dem Goddam aliens from frigging Roswell who got pissed at us for stealing their saucer secret sh*t! They got even by taking away our 'puters and now they're stealing our livers cause there's no more cows in Kansas.' The man was then led away under armed guard for possible mental observation. A more sinister sighting was the multiple mutilations of sheep some thirty miles away from the fire by a so-called 'panther woman' as one eyewitness suggested. Perhaps the most disturbing sighting to date was the raping and near-murder of Alice Taylor, an employee of the No Tel Motel, by an alleged 'werewolf'. The woman was deeply traumatized and could not describe her attacker clearly. Police will not speculate if this attack has any relationship with the sudden spurt of gang activity by members of a new group sporting barcodes on the back of their necks. "At this point," muttered one deputy, "It's all fruit loops and pebbles from here. One minute, things are dead calm and then...I thinking for moving to Seattle where it's safe. Just the usual gangbangers and thugs."

This sudden rise of bizarre behavior and odd creatures has only whet the appetites of many conspiracy buffs who believe that the VA Hospital was in fact a secret government dealing with illegal experiments in transgenics. Though the rogue cyberjournalist Eyes Only has given some credence to this theory, many legitimate authorities including those of the military government feel such stories will only promote fear and distrust, hampering efforts to find any survivors of the tragic fire and discover those who have committed the crime. So far, only the radical group known as S1W has been fingered as possible suspects. For now, most of the outlying area surrounding Morningside VA Hospital is under Level Five Security by orders of the government until further notice. All citizens still in the area are advised to stay inside their homes and encampments and not confront any strange beings having no business in the area. Officials hope to have the subject cleared up by next week.

**_NEW IMPROVEMENTS IN FACIAL RECOGNITION SOFTWARE YIELD CLUES IN ESTABLISHING THE IDENTITY OF "EYES ONLY"_**

**_By Daf9_**

Forensic pathologists at the University of Washington announced today new developments in facial recognition software that experts believe will revolutionize the utility and accuracy of this technique. In layman's terms, the new software is able to predict general facial features, age and income bracket based strictly on a PICTURE of single feature of an unknown individual. In a demonstration using "Streaming Freedom Videos" authored by cyber-hacker "Eyes Only", the scientists reached the following conclusions. "Eyes Only" is likely a young man between 28 and 35 years of age, fair skinned, handsome and wealthy. While his skin tone indicates a state of overall good health he may be suffering a recently acquired disability of some sort. Additional clues to the identity of "Eyes Only" might have been obtained from further analysis of the data but unfortunately government officials confiscated both the data and the software immediately following the news conference.

**_STARTLING NEWS JUST IN!  JIMMY HOFFA'S BODY FINALLY FOUND!_**

**_By Daf9_**

Many of our readers are probably unfamiliar with the name Jimmy Hoffa. Mr. Hoffa was a powerful and controversial leader of the Teamsters' Union from 1957 to 1971. He also had many ties to organized crime and the Mafia. In 1975 he disappeared without a trace and despite many clues that have surfaced over the years, his body had never been found. Until today. Streets of Seattle has an eyewitness account from Sharon Ellis.

"Me and Billy, my youngest were hanging around the local park, just chillin' you know when all of a sudden this strange man with a dog-like face or maybe he was a dog with a human-like body, nearly knocked Billy to the ground. I started to give him a piece of my mind but he ignored me as he began sniffing around Billy's shoes. I grabbed Billy and dragged him to a safe distance. Dog boy who was wearing a bright red scarf or something around his neck, started digging frantically right beneath that statue. You know the one I mean. _[Ed. Note. Ms. Ellis was referring to the statue of Bill Gates.] After about five minutes he pulled out a bone and started gnawing on it. I was horrified to see that it was a human hand clutching a piece of paper. Naturally I was frightened but I knew my duty. I took a rolled up newspaper from my handbag and swatted the guy on the nose but he refused to drop the bone. He did however drop the paper, which I quickly retrieved and presented to the Sector Police when they arrived minutes later. Completely ruined my appetite I can tell you."_

Further inquires by Streets of Seattle determined that the paper in question was a Teamsters' Union card made out to Jimmy Hoffa. Although the hand was not recovered, having been removed from the scene by the unidentified person or animal Ms. Ellis referred to as Dog-Boy, the police subsequently exhumed a body. Forensic scientists quickly identified the remains as conclusively belonging to Mr. Hoffa. Also recovered at the scene were a bright red flea collar bearing the nametag "Joshua" and the phone number of a former VA hospital near Gillette Wyoming that recently burnt to the ground. Authorities speculate that the collar and tag belong to 

Dog-Boy who is currently being sought for questioning.**__**

**NATIONAL NEWS__**

**_Georgia versus the Star Wars Missile Defense Program_**

**_By Daf9_**

The National Missile Defense Program (abbreviated NMD but popularly known as the Star Wars program) has, as most students of political science are aware, a long and contentious history.  In theory this was supposed to be a system that would protect the US from airborne antiballistic missile attacks by identifying and exploding in-coming missiles harmlessly in the atmosphere.  In practice, it never really worked.  The only "successful" tests of the system involved missiles that were carrying electronic tracking devices.  Back in '05 when the system was first declared operational, the bill for this questionable piece of political inventiveness had already passed 500 billion dollars.  Shortly thereafter the entire project was declared a state secret and thus removed from financial or scientific oversight by the public. Many citizens believe that it was scrapped in '09 or '10; given its total ineffectiveness in dealing with the EMP that threw our country into its current state.

However after many months of intensive research we at Streets of Seattle have found an anonymous source prepared to tell us about the most recent version of the Star Wars missile defense system and how it explains President Barrows' startling announcement earlier this week.

The code name for the newest incarnation of the NMD is "Longfellow"; named after the lines from the Henry Wadsworth Longfellow poem "The Arrow and the Song".  To wit: "I shot an arrow in the air.  It fell to earth I know not where."

Curiously, it was this attempt at humor by Lieutenant (now General) Ewing Jones that led to a major breakthrough in the creation of a truly effective missile defense system.  Lieutenant Jones, at that time a procurement officer for the Air Force, was kidding around with some of his drinking buddies at the mess hall when he suggested the NMD be renamed Longfellow. Lieutenant Jones's CO happened to mention that at least the then-current missile defense system was more accurate than a Native American armed with a bow and arrows.  Lieutenant Jones, who is very proud of his Cherokee heritage took exception to this remark.  The result of the following altercation was close to 5000 dollars in damage to the mess hall and a bet by Lieutenant Jones against the rest of his platoon and ultimately the United States government that he could find a Cherokee sharpshooter whose direction of the targeting of the interceptor vehicles would out perform the military computers.

Although it initially appeared unlikely that the Ministry of Defense would allow this unorthodox test to take place, President Barrows interceded on behalf of Lieutenant Jones after it was pointed out to him that this test could be made to take place over Fort Greeley, Alaska.  The President is said to have quipped "I shot a missile in the air.  I hope it lands in Hodge's hair."  Since the President is known for his anti-death penalty stance this remark was considered somewhat unusual but Barrows refused to elaborate.

After some negotiation between Lieutenant Jones, his tribal elders and the U.S. government regarding the conditions of the test [best two out of three] and a suitable reward for the successful completion of the challenge, a day was set and an archer sharpshooter chosen.

To the mixed chagrin and delight of the Ministry of Defense the results weren't even close.  Sharpshooter 2.5 : billion dollar computers 0. The single ICBM that the Cherokee sharpshooter received only a part score for was only partially intercepted so that the missile was not destroyed but only diverted.  The President's smile said it all when he was informed that the diverted missile had landed on Governor Hodges' unoccupied summer home.  Reporters later learned that Hodges has been bald for several years now and keeps his extensive collection of hairpieces at that particular residence.

Which explains why the President announced on Monday the formation of the Independent State of Otsalanvlvi (English translation : we are all brothers and sisters), declared by Federal law to be a Cherokee homeland. The territory of Otsalanvlvi is carved out of portions of Georgia, North Carolina and Tennessee that represent part of the ancestral lands occupied by the Cherokee prior to their shameful eviction (in a forced march called "The Trail of Tears") in 1838-1839.  All non Native American residents of the area are being invited to remain but if they prefer to leave, they are strongly encouraged to emigrate to Alaska.  The federal government will release the details of its plan to reimburse relocation costs to all  Cherokee choosing to move to the newly created state next week.

MEDICAL NEWS 

**_SECRET GOVERNMENT PROJECT TO DRIVE THE MEDICAL PROFESSION OUT OF BUSINESS_**

**_By Daf9_******

Last week Seattle's favorite cyber-hacker "Eyes Only" exposed a secret government project to genetically engineer human beings to produce designer-soldiers. This week one of our nameless undercover reporters has learned that the government has also been running a secret geneting engineering project.

We all know that genetic engineering is the name given to a variety of technologies that involve directed manipulation of the chromosomes or genetic material of living organisms ranging in complexity from bacteria to man. But what is geneting engineering? Many scientists this reporter talked to had never heard of the term. However after many hours involving copious quantities of caffeine and on-line computer searching [in other words accessing Google via the Internet at a local Starbucks several tantalizing references were found to an apple cultivar named "Winter Geneting".

So now the government is attempting to build a better apple?

The first question that immediately pops to mind is …why? Further research revealed this clue. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away". Ah ha! Now, it all makes sense. In an effort to cut Medicaid costs the government is genetically engineering an apple that will do away with the need for ANY medical care.

We can only speculate that "Eyes Only" has failed to expose this particular government conspiracy because he himself has a bone to pick with the medical profession. In any case, AMA beware! Your days are numbered!

[Editors Note: AMA is an acronym for the American Medical Association which is the professional association to which all accredited physicians and surgeons belong]

**_BLACK MARKET VITAMINS_**

By Shnapzie 

In a back alley, two people dressed dark colors whisper to each other, eyes scanning the area methodically. One of them nods their head, and hands the other a paper sack. The recipient quickly stuffs it in his coat and passes a wad of bills to the waiting individual. As soon as the other's hand closes on the money, the one "paying" shouts "Freeze! FBI!" The operation was a  sting, and it landed firmly in the behind of Clark "Oak" Fairfield, now-exposed dealer of black market Flintstone vitamins.

This is just one example among thousands illustrating the pull these drugs have on people. After they were discontinued in 2005 once the FDA revealed the addictive compound created by it's ingredients—something like cigarettes: they taste nasty, but people ate them despite—Flintstone vitamins sold like mad on the now defunct online auction e-Bay. Soon after, the US banned the drugs, and imposed a stiff prison sentence on anyone found guilty of dabbling in that enterprise.

Flintstone vitamins and their dealers (known as YDDs—Yabba Dabba Dealers) had joined ranks with marijuana, heroin, and Cuban cigars.

Once the Pulse occurred, e-Bay inevitably crashed, and sent the YDDs scurrying into back alleys and waterfronts to conduct their business. Today, as the aforementioned incident illustrates, these dealers and their patrons are such a concern in Seattle that the FBI has recently begun setting up operations here with the intention of flushing them all out. And the FBI is the agency we know of there are rumors and speculations that even the NSA is involved.

So beware, you who need a few Fred and Barneys to get you going in the morning. Your dealings aren't quite so secret anymore. And to the rest of Seattle, remember that when you see some unusual, strange, or disturbing goings-on in law enforcement in the near future, it's just the hunt for black-market Flintstone dealers. At least, that's what they tell us.

**_THE SECRET BEHIND THE GOVERNMENT BAN ON THE SALE OF VITAMINS_**

By Daf9 

A secret government document that surfaced last week reveals some surprising information providing a link between the government ban on vitamin sales and the so-called Project Manticore. As recently revealed by "Eyes Only," the US government has been engaged for a quarter of a decade in covert operations to genetically engineer superior human beings who will function as super-soldiers. It turns out that many of these super-soldiers have a flaw; a serotonin deficiency that causes seizures. The only known medical treatment for this problem is the consumption of large quantities of Tryptophan; Tryptophan being a substrate for the biosynthesis of serotonin. However, local scientists have informed us here at SOS that the Tryptophan to serotonin synthetic pathway can be diverted. Tryptophan is also a substrate for the synthesis of many of the B vitamins. Therefore in anyone suffering from a shortage of vitamin B, the body's Tryptophan will be used to make these vitamins rather than to make serotonin. Hence in individuals such as these Manticore "kids" who suffer from serotonin deficiency the lack of vitamin B will aggravate their problems.

Local scientists suggest there may be a cure however. Virtually all chemical pathways are reversible to some extent. So if tryptophan can be used to make vitamin B; vitamin B should theoretically be able to be converted to tryptophan and then to seratonin. Although this is an energetically unfavorable reaction, the genetic engineering of a new enzyme that would overcome this limitation is already in progress. A local scientist who wishes to remain anonymous suggested to us that the government has banned the sale of vitamins so as to both aggravate the seratonin deficiency in its "super-soldiers" and restrict the future availability of vitamin B when this genetically engineered enzyme becomes available.

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ENTERTAINMENT 

**_BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND…YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE LISTINGS. (Now where's my cookie and video of women clad only in silver body paint? ;))_**

**_By WeirdArchive_**

On Cineplex, Canada:

SMOKE IN GLASS, 2004, starring Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Esposito, Mena Suravi, Andi McDowell, Tara Reid, Katie Holmes, Alyson Hannigan, Drea De Matteo, and various nude stills from notable celebrities. Directed by Helen Mirren. Unrated. If there was a movie that heralded the Lesbian Film Era of 2007-2011, this film would be close in the running. The subject matter is fairly simple. A photographer named Nicole (Bullock) decides on shooting a set of nudes with her friends as subjects while they talk about their love lives, their first experiences with sex, their true love, and their fantasies. As the talks and shooting progress, she suddenly realizes she has never experienced pure true love with her lackluster boyfriend (played by Simon Rex) and is suddenly drawn by her assistant Jessica (Esposito). Naturally some of her friends notice the friction between them and decide the girl needs to explore her sensuality before she goes nuts. The subject matter is not just about lesbianism and acceptance of sexuality or how the camera exposes more than just the nude subjects. (Several notable celebrities like Kim Cattrall, Janet Jackson, Majandra Delfino, Shiri Appleby, and Emilie de Ravin did pose in various stages of undress for the film's photographer to establish the mood of the picture.) It's about how people tend to live themselves through others and how living for one's self is the greatest experience. The climax where Esposito does her own nude confession of love for her boss and Bullock decides to follow her desire by stripping bare and embracing her new lover with a passionate kiss while the camera keeps on taking pictures and the monologues blend in with each other and the photos has been called chaotic, confusing...and very erotic just like how a first time true love is supposed to be realized. Bullock took a gamble by doing her nude scenes without a body double, feeling her character wouldn't be believable if she didn't expose her entire body without guilt or regret. The movie was a modest arthouse classic before it took off as a mainstay of premium cable channels like Sundance and Women's Entertainment. Mirren makes no apologies for the nudity and sexuality since she was just as secure with her love life and body (she even contributed her own photo in an ode to Hitchcock) as the other actresses. This picture received two Independent Spirit Awards for Best Picture and a special note of achievement for depicting women's sexuality as honestly as possible. The photos even made news of their own as a special coffee table book where shots from the film and unused stills were compiled with essays from the cast and crew dealing with their views of sexuality. The cover caused some fuss with the publishers since it was a provocative shot of Suravi touching MacDowell's clitoris (or MacDowell touching Suravi's clitoris, depending on which press release you believe since both actress would only acknowledge that they did that particular shot.). It was supposed to have been the movie poster, but the MPAA had issues over the racy content so an alternate poster with Bullock's camera lens reflecting the blurry nudes was used instead. Truly a masterwork. Contains graphic nudity and strong sexual content. Parents Strongly Cautioned. 

MISTER BEAR'S ADVENTURE IN YUMMYLAND, 2003, Starring Mena Suravi, voice of Michael York, voice of Kirk Cameron, and Gedde Watanabe. Directed by Lynn K. D'Angona. Rated G. Never let it be said that Gener8Xion Entertainment (the company that gave us THE OMEGA CODE Saga...though 'streaming pile of sh*t' as one reviewer called it would be a better description) tried to give wholesome entertainment to the family. Not that they could make decent, creative, or original entertainment that wasn't more like racist Christian extremist propaganda that bordered on TRIUMPH OF THE WILL than BEN HUR. Suravi plays a babysitter whose young charge is suddenly pulled into another world called Yummyland where a king (York, in poorly executed Muppet form) tries to seduce the boy and babysitter into living in his kingdom...which is a poorly veiled analogy for temptation. Cameron plays the toy bear and Watanabe its clumsy creator who tries to rescue the pair from certain doom. It's hard to fathom how such an accomplished actress like Suravi would be saddled with this tripe, though her agent at the time wanted to her to change her image during the brief culture war that stemmed from the War Against Terrorism. Suravi played it by the numbers, cashed her check, and then purged herself of all wholesomeness by doing such fare as SMOKE IN GLASS and the later classic BLACK PUDDING (2006), a retro film ode to the Blackploition films where white girls and black hunks get it on to spite the racist bigots. Virtually the entire production has no redeeming aspects at all. The effects are pre-H.R. Pufnstuf, the writing is pure 50's style moralistic bunk (with references to the Godless Communists that was out of date even for the 50s), and the acting...well, stiff doesn't even come close. Only the few remaining Christian Right followers will stomach this. The rest of the viewing audience will be watching wrestling. Contains some tense moments and extremist dogma. For all ages, though only for those without any taste.

FASTER THAN NECESSARY (2005), starring Barbara Niven, Laura Harring, and Nicholas Brendon. Written and directed by Quentin Tarantino. Rated R. Ah, the return of the prodigal son. After seeing KILL BILL (2002) perform poorly with fans and critics, Tarantino decided to 'stop f**king around and do the sh*t I'm good at' (his very own words in an interview for the movie). The tale is a simple one. A nice girl named Chloe (Niven) picks a hitchhiker, a tall brunette who calls her Stef (Harring) who looks a little worse for wear. The reason for her state is a very abusive boyfriend (Brendon) who's nevertheless a little pissed off by being left for dead after a delivery of stolen cash from a Vegas casino went wrong...or was he? Seems Stef has taken the cash for all the years f hitting and being used as an unwilling sex doll and now seeks to lend in with the crowd and go straight...or she is? Chloe is grateful for the company since she's on a long drive back from her mother's, following up on a rumor that her no-good husband (played by Oded Fehr) is possibly cheating on her...or is she? Naturally, the two hit off and even play out a few fantasies like going to a strip bar and indulging in some of Stef's bondage games...or are more Chloe's? Basically, this film is an ode to Hitchcock and De Palma where you can't tell the players without a scorecard. Both ladies steam up the screen with their sexual innuendo and lust for each other, which sometimes borders on the pornographic in at least one instance. The film wouldn't be as enjoyable if the female leads were played by less attractive and interesting actresses, since Tarantino tends to drone on about the littlest things to the annoyance of some. The desert climax and kissing death scenes redeem whatever shortfalls this picture has...and there are plenty starting with the miscasting of Brendon as a woman-beater (or is he?) and Fehr as an unfaithful husband (or is HE?). Fans of Tarantino's work rate this as high as RESERVOIR DOGS, but not in the same category as PULP FICTION. At least the regained clout allowed him to do better fare, such as his contribution to the Asian Horror saga MY EYES GO GRAY and his upcoming ode to the infamous British crimelords the Krays entitled STEVEN AND LITTLE BUDDY, A LOVE STORY. Contains violence, sexual content, bondage, spousal abuse, and animal cruelty. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

EDITORIAL 

**_COMPUTER POSSESSION_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

I have a computer. Granted, it's a piece of crap, but since most Seattle residents don't even have a piece of crap to grace _their cardboard boxes, I guess I'm pretty lucky.  My piece of crap is possessed. Last week, it became the home to evil spirits. (I think they were my relatives.) And they were either very upset with me or else they had a very twisted sense of humor. I suspect the latter. Allow me to elaborate:  While typing the very last line of a __very impressive article, I hear the sound of laughter, followed closely behind by the sound of a toilet flushing. My screen is promptly wiped blank, and none of my screaming, violence, and clawing at my forehead would bring it back! A whole five-minutes work down the tube! No pun intended.  _

While having this internal battle not to tear my computer apart and sell the pieces of it to twenty-five different countries' black markets, I turn on the computer and see the devil himself. Bill Gates's _lovely mug is my permanent desktop wallpaper. *Shudder* One can only imagine the horror. The only thing worse would be Michael Jackson. (I think he lost the coin toss in Hades.) _

I was being systematically driven insane. At work, all I did was sit at my desk, rock back and forth while muttering to myself and drooling (_Did you ever do anything else anyway? Yeesh. Touché.) The only thing I saw was Microsoft Man dancing in my belly button, and Blue Man Group kept banging Intel tones on my eardrums. _

Well, between bouts of psychosis a gentleman shows up on my cardboard-flap step, claiming to be a faith healer who cures computers. He seemed genuine enough, so I invited him in and escorted him over to the demon perched on my desk. I expected him to…well, I don't really know _what I expected him to do, but certainly not to shove wafers in my ROM drive and smear garlic on my monitor all the while Gregorian chanting. Sorry dude, but you're a little too nuts for me. I propelled him to the door, sans holy wine. I needed it for rent. Or bribery. Whatever's more profitable. _

To make a long story short, (yeah, right) I called a real computer expert as soon as possible after the evil spirits began blasting Backstreet Boys 24/7 out of my speakers. And guess what? It turns out that my evil spirits are in actuality an evil computer virus, courtesy of my evil boss's evilest personality—Becky. (_That's ridiculous!, you scoff. __Why on earth would she do that? She's Becky. She doesn't need a reason to so something evil!) _

Why am I telling you this, you ask? There's a reason. Really. I'll tell you just as soon as I finish uploading this program onto Jenn's computer. She's too busy watching the electronically tagged employees to notice. We'll see who gets the last laugh.****

FEATURES 

**POLICE REPORT**

**Friday, 6PM: Called to 516 South Market to investigate claims of 6' lizard running upright through the streets. Witnesses found to be under the influence. Arrested witnesses for  fraudulent police call and confiscated all intoxicating substances for investigative purposes.  (Jennem1)**

**Friday:  A young male streaker ran through the streets after a lizard. The man was arrested, and the police are guessing that he was under the influence of drugs too.  (Samcrazy)**

**Saturday 9:30 pm-Former MTV Host and Movie Star arrested. One time MTV host Molly Sims-Buttafuoco, 43, was arrested for shoplifting and attempted assault at Captain Don's Family Liquor & Drugs. Allegedly, Sims-Buttafuoco stole 3 bottles of blond hair bleach, 2tubes of Denture Grip, 4 bottles of earwax remover and a gallon jug of Red Mountain Wine. Allegedly, Sims-Buttafuoco was viewed by a Captain Don's security Hoverdrone filling her coat with goods and attempted to  assault The Captain's Royal Republican Guard as they tried to apprehend her. As this is Molly  Sims-Buttafuoco's third offense, if she's found guilty she will be terminated by lethal injection  within 48 hours. Sims-Buttafuoco is no stranger to the courts, having been arrested some 28 times, but this time may be her last. Molly Sims was a one-time star on MTV, a giant of the video craze of the 1980s-90s. After being fired from MTV, Sims-Buttafuoco made some B-rate T & A monster movies. In 2005 Sims-Buttafuoco tried to make a comeback by starring as OJ Simpson's wife Nicole in OJ's made for TV movie "The Caddy Did It" but the movie never aired. In 2011 Sims married Hollywood playboy and auto body shop owner Joey Buttafuoco 68 but disappeared from the public's eye until now.  (DCRRACING)**

**_CONTAINING OUTDOOR FIRES_**

**_By Daf9_**

In the pre-Pulse days of central heating many American cities banned outdoor fires; at least of the leaf burning variety. Now that the greenhouse effect has turned out to be a cruel hoax and central heating is beyond the financial reach of so many, outdoor fires are making a comeback. And so SOS editor Jennem1 raised the question: "What is the best receptacle for maintaining an outdoor fire?" A more important question in DAF9's mind was how arguably the best reporter at SOS was to avoid getting stuck with having to research such an obvious loser?

Sitting in her office at SOS, sourly eyeing both the assignment and the 14,000,000 unsold copies of her book "Best Limericks of the Third Millennium," DAF9 was struck with a sudden inspiration. Rather than trying to avoid this sucker, she would volunteer! And bill SOS for research materials! At $49.95 a copy....

Lugging as many of the books as would fit in a large Hefty trash bag down the stairs of the SOS offices and into the streets, DAF9 made a beeline for the largest trashcan she could see. Any resident of Seattle would tell you that by far and away the most common containers for outdoor fires in Seattle are trashcans. But are they the best? Holds 114 books. Not bad, but surely there are larger containers? Well after many experiments DAF9 was forced to conclude that in the average trash can a Seattle resident can burn a maximum of 123 books at one time. Fire only lasts about 5 minutes and generates enough heat to melt a small ice cube. (Probably that cheap paper those %$#$ vanity presses use for their publications!)

Maybe an abandoned automobile would work better. Unfortunately the 15 automobiles that were turned up after extensive searching were already filled with trash of one sort or another; mostly dead bodies, 11 inch fashion dolls from an old TV series Pasadena and discarded Gameboys. Too much trouble to empty them out.

Large cardboard boxes, while they might be suitable for a brief conflagration, were found to have two major problems. The first was that most large cardboard boxes in Seattle these days are already being used as residences and very few people were willing to donate their homes in the interests of research. The second problem was that they tended to become part of the fire rather than contain it.

DAF9 won't bore you with all the details of other receptacles that she tried: old appliances, metal sculptures, construction vehicles. She even went to that old VA hospital that burned  down so recently figuring there might be some ruined medical equipment she could use but a bunch of soldiers made her leave before she could find a single useful item. Which, come to think of it, adds credibility to that otherwise incredible "Eyes Only" report we all heard earlier this week claiming that the VA hospital wasn't a VA hospital at all but a secret government facility dedicated to genetic engineering.

But that's another story.

Suffice it to say that one week after spending 20 hours a day on this assignment DAF9 had only managed to get rid of 25,421 books. And then, just when she was about to give up she found the perfect container....... missile silos! Most of our readers will remember the run on home missile silos that followed the terrorist attack on NYC back in '01. And how, just like after the Y2K scare there were tons of survival gear laying around rotting and abandoned, now there are thousands of in-ground missile silos standing empty (the government having prudently removed the missiles back in '09 just before the Pulse) in backyards across the nation.

DAF9 now has less than a thousand copies of her wonderful book and is thinking about ordering a second printing.**__**

**_Received from CG-double-oh-nuffin' before her mysterious_**

**_disappearance..._**

It's true! It's all true! Only I was wrong. There are _two groups! Area 51 transferred its_

headquarters to Wyoming. OMG! They're coming. I've got to tell you

there are two groups. Two! One is affiliated with the government oppressors

and the other is ---

The message was suddenly cut off. As far as can be seen, CG double-oh-nuffin' had to press send before she was able to finish this message.

**_WEATHER_**

**_By Daf9_**

_Monday - cool & partly cloudy with changes of occasional sun._

_Tuesday - temperate & partially sunny with a good chance of a few afternoon showers._

_Wednesday - moderate & cloudy. High chance of morning thunderstorms._

_Thursday - cold & windy. 100% chance of precipitation._

_Friday - barometer and temperature falling. Guess what that means?_

_Saturday - see Tuesday._

_Sunday - see Thursday._

**ADVERTISEMENT**

**Ahoy Land lovers! Times are good! And they're only getting better at Captain Don's! People say times are tough: no money, no food, no medicine! Not at Captain Don's. Captain Don and his crew eat 6 meals a day! We have doctors on our payroll, Yes, life is good at Captain Don's, , , and it can be good for you too. As Captain Don's grip on Seattle grows so does the need for good, loyal people. At Captain Don's its like a big family, and like a family once you're in your in, , ,you're in for life. So if you feel like turning your life around and joining the real "Dream Team" maybe we can use you. Please post a reply telling Captain Don why we should hire you. Tell us about any special talents or abilities you may have. Do you have any limitations any boundaries, or are you ready to do ANYTHING that Captain Don asks? Married/single? Any military training? Money/food/power await you! Post your reply now.**

**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editor, 

I am very surprised about the recent rumors of the eating of innocent crayons. And I was even more surprised to find that the Earth ain't flat, but that's another story! So I tell you to get it together!  Now!****

An old guy

Dear Editor, 

I'm upset with the lack of coverage your paper gives to the family fun and festivities down at the pier. To many of us honest tax paying pier side business men, it seems that SOS doesn't even know we exist. There is no better or safer place in Seattle than the pier for a man, woman, child or family to spend their day or evening. For your information crime at the pier is at a 3 year low. Three years ago we had 62homicides at the pier; granted, not a high number in today's world, but we knew we could do better, and we did! Last year we had only 31 homicides and this year we are on a pace for only 20!!.So, as you can imagine, we pier people are very proud! The Pier has stores, shops, restaurants, night clubs, dining, dancing and entertainment for the whole family! Spread the word! The pier is like Disneyland, the mall, and Santa's Village all rolled into one! See ya at the Pier,,,open 24hours. No cover charge anytime!.........................Captain Don! A proud city leader!****

**CLASSIFIEDS**

Wanted: Navel lint, must be fresh, post-pulse belly-button lint. Cash or trade, contact Captain Don down by the pier..............Fluffy For Sale: Toilet roll holders for fort I've been building in the backyard. WANTED: Old socks for hand puppets, without holes if possible. Smelly socks accepted too.

 Wanted: More writers to do the SOS because all ours do is use the company pay roll to buy beepers and pencils. Beepers we don't understand but as our Ed keeps stealing most of our pencils to build a miniature Eiffel Tower in her 'den' we have to keep buying new ones. So, let me change this ad....

Wanted: New pencils or new Editor who doesn't have a fascination with pencils or in France.

For sale:  ASPIRIN 500mg. The Great Captain Don has a small supply of real  
aspirin! A full 500mg! You haven't been able to buy aspirin "the best pain  
killer" like this since the Pulse! You get 6 500mg aspirin tablets for only  
$55.98! That's only $9.33 each! Come on down to Captain Don's by the pier and  
see our complete line of Drugs & Alcohol.  Fluffy.

Wanted: Good ad writer.

$Need Money/Food? Captain Don is hiring$

Wanted: A couple of hundred combs and the GREASE video.

WANTED: Wholesale supply of pet food, including lizard, dog, cat, and rodent. Cash deal only, no questions asked on either end. Leave note under the big black rock by Pier 14 addressed to Joshua.

For Sale or Trade: Captain Don's is over stocked on freeze-dried puppies and ferrets. Just put one of these tasty treats in a microwave for 15 minutes and you have lunch for the kids. No microwave? No problem! Just wire 1 or 2 of our tasty puppies or ferrets to a piece of pipe and hold them over a burning trash can until they're brown and juicy! MMMMMM good!!!!!

BODYGUARD SERVICES. Previous military experience, discrete, professional, no assignment too big or too small, no questions asked. Your safety is guaranteed. CALL XXX-XXX-XXXX and leave a message for Alex.

DATA RETRIEVAL SPECIALIST NEEDED. Looking for a capable individual to assist with family tree research. Customer provides all necessary equipment. An ability not to ask unnecessary questions a must. CALL XXX-XXX-XXXX and ask for Mech.

Reward! Captain Don will pay $5000 cash US for information on the whereabouts of former actress Janeane Garofalo.  NOTE: Anyone trying to sell Captain Don misinformation about Miss Garofalo will be fed to the homeless people at Brother Don's soup kitchen…


	16. Thanksgiving Edition

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**(date withheld), 2019**

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

**http://forums.delphi.com/darkangelfans/messages?msg=6658.1**__

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._****

**Editor in Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: Daf9**

**Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess: Logans_Babe**

**Editor Emeritus: Samcrazy**

**Chief Reporter: Weirdarchive**

**Contributing Reporter: Legend10013**

**Conspiracy Girl: CG Double-O-Nuffin**

**Conspiracy Reporter: Dark Knight**

**Contributing Reporter: Jox5**

**Contributing Reporter: Syl167**

**Contributing Reporter: Dark_Fairy__**

**Contributing Reporter: 727Angel**

**Contributing Reporter: DCRRacing**

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16**

**Contributing Reporter: Thejerk2k1**

Editor's Note:  Happy Thanksgiving, readers!  Yes, we know, we're publishing some time after Thanksgiving.  Having left the newspaper in, I believed, good hands, I decided that instead of indulging in a food-and-booze soaked Bacchanal of American commercialism, I would do some good this Thanksgiving. I left the nearly completed edition behind and went to man a charitable food kitchen in Aruba.  Unfortunately, during my tax-deductible absence, some of our senior editors discovered that if our computer and press equipment were properly configured in a small space, the resulting emissions were powerful enough to microwave a turkey.  They started some sort of "you bring it, we cook it" operation which ran until I returned, fortunately just in time to collect the ill-gotten gains and remove the feathers from the keyboards.  Our system has been returned to its true purpose—frying the brains of our reporters—and we hope you enjoy our belated but heartfelt Happy Thanksgiving.

An SOS writer named DAF   
Desperately wanted a laugh   
So she stayed up all night   
But found nothing to write   
Happy Thanksgiving to the rest of the staff!

**LOCAL NEWS**

SEATTLE IN THE GRIPS OF SEVERE AMMUNITION SHORTAGE 

**_By Syl67_**

The post-Pulse break down in manufacturing has finally reached the firearms industry. Local gun shops are almost empty of everything except .22 LR match ammunition. No 30-06, .223 or other center-fire rifle ammunition can be found. If you know the shop owner, he might be willing to sell you a box of shotgun shells, or one of his last few boxes of .45 ACP for your Colt 1911. On the average, it will cost you about ten times as much as it did in 2008. 

"It's terrible," says Joey, a small-time teenage thug. "Last week I had to trade an entire pound of coffee for six rounds of .38." He waved his revolver in the reporter's general direction. The reporter explained that she hadn't been paid in five weeks, and offered him two breath mints, an expired 50% off fast food coupon, and a partially-used lip gloss. He politely declined. 

As usual, some are suffering from this shortage more than others. Police, military, and the mysterious guys in the black HumVees seem to have plenty of bullets. The local citizens, on the other hand, go without. 

This reporter did a quick survey of residents in a local box community. At 2:30 in the morning, she knocked on one box after another. When the box-owner threatened her with a firearm, she explained that she was writing an article, and asked if the gun was loaded. 

Out of fifty-three box-dwelling gun-owners responding to the survey, only seven (13%) had more than 6 rounds available. Twenty-six (49%) said that the gun was loaded, but wouldn't be able to re-load it. One weird guy leered and said, "My gun is always loaded for you, baby!" but gestured towards his pants. (The reporter made a note to herself not to wear a short skirt when doing the follow-up survey.) 

"The only reason that shooting deaths haven't declined in Seattle is those guys in the black HumVees," said police lieutenant Matt Sung, referring to the recent execution-style killings of children with bar code gang tattoos. "On the other hand, we are seeing an increase in murders with knives, motor vehicles, and various sorts of blunt instruments. There hasn't been a Little League game in Seattle since 2011, but there are lots of kids out there with baseball bats." 

A contributing factor in the ammunition shortage is the poor shooting skills of Seattle's criminal element. Witnesses frequently tell about armed gangsters firing wildly at some poor innocent bicycle messenger, who easily avoids getting hit. The stories usually finish with the leather-clad bike messenger kicking the snot out of the gangsters, so we can only conclude that most Seattle citizens drink way too much. 

There is reported to be one member of the criminal element with good aim. 'Mr. 9' is a blond Caucasian male, estimated to be in his late 40s to early 50s. He is usually described as 'clean cut' and habitually wears dark clothing. His victims are always found dead from a single 9 mm gunshot wound. At one time he was linked to the black Humvee crowd, but recently several of them have died from 9 mm wounds under suspicious circumstances. However, there have been no new victims in the last three weeks, so we can only assume that 'Mr. 9' has left Seattle for greener pastures. 

Citizens of Seattle, please conserve your ammunition! Don't shoot anyone unless it is absolutely necessary. There is no telling when fresh shipments will arrive.****

'MAN' TALKS TO DOG, OWNER NERVOUS 

**_By Weirdarchive_**

File this story under 'You had to have been there.' A man talked to a mastiff in Sector 3 two days ago, driving its owner nearly to the brink of insanity and muttering about the "Return of Son of Sam". His friends and nearby witnesses can't explain the ensuing events without a few smiles and shaking heads, but this is the general story that most would agree upon.

At around 0800 hours, Mister Frank "Frankie The Fix" Guiro, age 70 according to recent records, was walking his pure breed mastiff named Mikey to the Hang'Em Dry, a local drinking and social club catering to the elderly and the occasional minor crime boss of the Seattle area. He had tied up the dog to a fire hydrant and then walked in for his usual breakfast, consisting of a large dark stout ale and raw egg, and chatting with his friends over the latest news of rationing cuts for the month. About thirty minutes later, a large man dressed in old style military fatigues and looking (as one witness put it) 'like the Vincent guy in that old TV show after having a bender with Jason and a Wookie' approached the dog with a sort of kinship. At least five to eleven persons saw the 'man' bark at Mickey as if they were having a conversation. The chat lasted for about two to five minutes and then the man left, apparently sniffing the air as if on a scent. Approximately thirty seconds later, Mr. Gurino raced out of the club and screaming insanely about "The son of the b*tch is back! Son of Sam is back! Run for your Goddam lives!" before trying to wrestle a shotgun from the hands of a local gangbanger who was 'minding his own business'. A melee followed, with five elderly males racing to Mr. Gurino's aid and three members of the 9th Street Flash, a notorious street gang controlling some of the Num traffic in Sectors 3 and 4, trying to help out their friend. A few shots were fired, but most in the air. Sector Police arrived to secure the area and arrested three individuals for a Class 2 Unregistered Weapons Possession (the shotgun, a 45 Magnum, and an antique police revolver). Mr. Gurino was raced to the nearest hospital for an irregular heartbeat and possible psychiatric problems.

According to local gossip, Mr. Gurino was a member of a high ranking Mafia family back in 1976 during the reign of terror led by David Berkowitz, also known as the Son of Sam. For 13 months, the Son of Sam terrified much of New York City with a series of murders (six in all, five of them women) and bizarre letters (where he once stated that he took his orders from a neighbor's dog named Sam) to the police that had the makings of the infamous Jack The Ripper. Some had speculated that Mr. Gurino had a run with Mr. Berkowitz during one of these killings and was affected by it. "The man just didn't stop talking about that guy Son of Sam", a neighbor commented. "It's like he had a hard-on for what he did or something. He got that big frigging dog for protection, but that wasn't enough." While reports about Mr. Gurino's past are sketchy due to the lack of credible information stemming from the Pulse, it's not unlikely that he had suffered some trauma due to the late serial killer's rampage. Most New Yorkers even now consider Mr. Berkowitz's acts beyond imagination, ranking them with the destruction of the World Trade Center in September 11, 2001 and the Pulse eight years later. Mr. Berkowitz was sentenced to life in prison for his crimes and was denied parole several times in spite of his later conversion to Christianity. He was killed in the Prison Riots of 2010, though some rumors had him executed by enraged prison guards eager for some rough belated justice on behalf of the victims' families.

At press time, Mr. Gurino is said to be resting comfortably and under sedation. His beloved Mikey is under the care of the Hang'Em Dry owner where he's enjoying a steady diet of beer and salt pork. No word yet about his 'friend', but Sector Police have been combing the immediate area for his whereabouts.

COPS MURDERED, TONGUES RIPPED OUT 

**_By DARK_FAIRY___**

After the police force was rather insulted by their fellow officers who were murdered, by a bushy haired, tall build, doggie man, The one police who survived, is being brought home today, for a lovely Thanksgiving dinner. 

"I 'm 'ank'ul 'fo bei' al've." 

"We're thankful he's been brought back to us." The police officer wife says. 

Dark_Fairy__: Do you think your husband really saw a dog-man?   
Wife: Of course not. He's been known to smoke special herbs!   
Dark_Fairy__: But then who ripped out his tongue?   
Wife: Hey! He's smoking herbs without me!   
Dark_Fairy__: Please finish the interview Missy.   
Wife: I'm not even married to the guy! You paid me to say this!   
Dark_Fairy__: *mutters* She's high. I swear. I don't pay people money to say they are married.   
Wife: Yes you do. You also sell Magic Mushrooms!   
Dark_Fairy__: I don't know what you're talking about.   
Wife: What do you mean you don't know? You sold me some last night!   
Dark_Fairy__: Well that's all the time we have for today, folks.   
Wife: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hold on a second. This was supposed to be about that man choking on turkey.   
Dark_Fairy__: That's all the time we have today. Goodbye.   
Wife: But.   
Dark_Fairy__: I said. THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE TODAY.   
Wife: But- He's choking on turkey!   
Dark_Fairy__: Oh look a U.F.O.   
Wife: Where?! 

Dark_Fairy__ Runs off.

**_WAS THAT A GREAT COSTUME OR WHAT?_**

**_By Legend10013_**

That's what many residents of Seattle and the Pacific Northwest have been asking themselves over last few days. A reader of ours named Bob, who was around Pike last night, claims he was passing out some candy and a large wolf like creature nearly seven feet came up to him and said 'tricks and treats l'il fella. The creature then promptly grabbed him, lifted him over it's head, turned him upside down and shook him till his wallet and all the candy he had fell to the ground. The creature then scooped it all up and bared his fangs and went on its way. When I first heard this I thought someone was hittin' the bong once too often but then more calls came in from loyal readers. Now, we here at the "Streets" and the public are left to wonder if it was more tricks than treats last night. 

The next morning after Halloween I was told by an intern who reads a trashy rag called World. sumthin... something about these mutant monsters possibly roaming our streets. Then some ultra liberal junkie downstairs who is sleeping on the front steps of the "Streets" was asking if these creatures would be given the same rights and stuff like us? I told him I certainly hope not. Hot darn, I pay my bribes to my local fuzz and politicians, so I'm entitled to more I say! 

In an earlier broadcast by the local cable crusader of the Emerald City styling him/herself as 'EYES ONLY' told us about a secret government project called Manticore. This tax funded government project cranked out mutants, which escaped. Hey, are there any non secret government projects left out there? Any hoo, it's not like a bunch of free range chickens escaped the coop, so we got a right to be scared. Most likely our trusted military made some lovable and cuddly teddy bears that talk right? Ha! That's what I thought too. Most likely the mutants our government has cooked up are gonna be as screwed up as we are...you know what I'm talking about. Only diff is that they will most likely have some super powers. Maybe one of their powers is to make sector passes. If that's the case I say let's be friends with them. Unfortunately I see bad things that may happen with these guys hyped up on the sugar we passed out last night. 

Hey, if you got a problem with my article please take it out on the local crack house cause we're short of funds from the last attack. This is your local man on the "Streets". My motto is "You can hate me, but you've still got to pay me!!"

Written by desperate4cookies@streetsofseattle.com

NATIONAL NEWS 

**_REPUBLIC OF ALASKA ROCKED BY TERRORISM, 'GOVERNOR' HODGES FURIOUS!_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

Most of the world was shocked last week when reports of terrorism against the rogue Republic of Alaska surface in a press conference given by Alaskan Home Guard Commander Johnathan Matthews and Patricia Meadows, Director of the Department of Law and Order which comprises all of the civilian police forces of the breakaway American state. If the allegations are proven, the façade of peace and tranquility boosted by most of 'Governor' William Hodges cabinet will soon be shattered.

Commander Matthews made detailed accounts of 'acts of cowardice and deceit against the Free Alaskan State' which included an previously unrevealed attack on the John Ross Aerospace Center while it was under construction by the radical Neo-Luddite group May 22nd Movement, several assaults on the Alaskan Pipeline by 'rogue members of the former National Guard still loyal to the parasitic Federal Government', and a failed assassination attempt against 'Governor' Hodges by forces as yet unknown. Director Meadows then displayed several pieces of evidence backing the claims, from photo surveillance of the St. Lawrence Island coast to the disarmed bombs found at several pipeline junctions, and testimonies from at least three individuals with one of them confessing to be a member of the Manticore Transgenics experiment. She then reassured reporters that the peace and well being of the Republic is being maintained and that no 'jackboot tactics akin to the military police state the Fed seems to enjoy enforcing' will be imposed on its citizens. "We know most of our countrymen are loyal to the Republic," she said proudly. "They have nothing to fear from us. But to those who wish to harm our sovereignty and return us to the US beware! We will find you. We will stop you. We will kill you."

This admission to homegrown terror within the rogue state was met with caution by the Barrows administration. "We've always know Hodges ran a shoddy outfit." quoted an unnamed source. "The man reigns over the place like a mad tyrant, grabbing at everything he can get his hands on. While we do not support any terrorist acts on US soil, we do and will continue to urge any citizen loyal to the true State of Alaska and this country and living under the boot of that thug to fight him with everything they have and restore the Land of The Midnight Sun back into its motherland where it was untimely ripped from at its darkest hour." There has been no official word from either Barrows or the United Nations at its temporary headquarters in Toronto.

Recently, the US and the Republic exchanged tough words over war games sponsored by the Bering Strait Pact (which President Barrows does not recognize as a legitimate defense organization) and unlikely assistance in removing the last of the Aryan strongholds in Idaho.

**_BROTHER DON FEEDS THE WORLD AGAIN_**

Well maybe not the world yet, but Seattle eats free! Hello Seattle! its me Captain Don,A.K.S. Brother Don, and Brother Don is doing Gods work for him again! by feeding the poor people of Seattle for Thanksgiving. If you are down on your luck, you and your friends and family are invited to come eat with the entire good God loving people at "Brother Don's Out Reach". We will be serving dinner from 12:00pm to 8:00pm, all are welcome.Now if God has blessed you this year, and you would like to thank God for his love, we are open 24-7 for cash donations, and 9 to 9 for donations of cars, homes, land or organs. Remember you can't take it with you, and the more you give the greater your reward will be," John 9-86"

CONSPIRACY 

**_From the archives of CG double-oh-nuffin'   
THE DEVIOUS CONSPIRATORS_**

Throughout the years there have been those who jumped oh-so-readily to assumptions regarding conspiracies and their aims. I'm here to enlighten you on the truth behind those wild ramblings. I will start by addressing the issue of...Barney...   
  


Ah, yes, those of us who were alive before the pulse can remember the show with the big, purple, friendly dinosaur. Some even drove their parents to the brink of insanity with the wish always to watch Barney videos. But it was more than just a kiddie show.   
Conspiracy theorists of the time proclaimed that it was a government plot to take over the minds of the children so that the next generation would be a passive one that would do what the government overlords wished. But it was much more devious than that.   
  


For any who looked there would be small proofs of subliminal messaging and other such nonsense. But the real threat was much deeper down. For while the conspiracy theorists occupied themselves with trying to find proof of their claims against Barney, the government oppressors were working overtime with their *real* plan. And what plan would this be, you might ask.   
Two words: Martha Stewart. You might laugh, you might scoff "Oh, come one, she predates Barney!" Ah, yes, and therein do we discover the twisted working of "Big Brother's plan. During the period in which Barney debuted, some conspiracy theorists had been coming closer to the truth, but had not yet realized it. So Barney came to distract them. It was all a big smoke-screen!   
  


Using "Martha Stewart" (actually an operative in Deep Cover) they slowly but surely began to influence gullible men and women everywhere. Making them believe fundamentally stupid things and doing them. There was the real mind control. The most obvious of the stratagems was a statement made by "Martha Stewart" and I quote, "One should always leave at least an inch of snow on the driveway for esthetic purposes."   
  


I must leave you now or they may trace my signal. Just remember, the truth is out there, however well-hidden. And, please, don't leave snow on your driveway!

**_FOR YOUR EYES ONLY  
by the Dark Knight_**

Well all of you that are taking time to read this, I must thank you and I enjoy writing this type of reports so I hope it continues..here we go.  
  


It's a dark, brisk and rainy October night in the gloomy city of Seattle. You walk down a lone street and look up to see the moon in full looking back down on you as you walk. You see some kids walking down the street and you stay to your self hey wouldn't this be the perfect night for   
things that we all don't think exist to roam free without being noticed. Maybe those little kids walking by you on the street are really aliens from another planet, well no one will believe that and if you had proof they would say your crazy and should be locked away in a small padded room. Or would they?  
  


I think its about time I tell you about my newest conspiracy theory about the little "cute" kids walking around this Halloween and maybe next time out you will stop and take a little more time to glace. I wonder if the government knows about this, I bet they do but can't have all the people in your own country know too much. Now before you hunt me down and say I am insane, lets take a little more of a look at the subject at hand. And as one great man once said "it takes the mark of a educated mind to entertain a thought without accepting it." And this matter is no different, you then may ask why I have come to this conclusion and why little "green men" would do something like this. Well its quite simple they get to see planet Earth's customs and how everyone reacts to different things, and once accepted a take over is going to happen, and what better day to do it? Not Thanksgiving, not Christmas the one no one is expecting, while everyone is out having fun.  
  


Now don't run and hide in your house, this may not happen for thousands of more years. And could Big Foot be running around in some town getting candy? How about Elvis? Yes my friends he is still around and menacing around some town on Halloween, and after hiding away for a year wouldn't you just want to stretch your legs and come out and play and have some real fun, same things for the aliens hiding under the masks. And not just aliens, what about mutants? Like in "the Sun" how they said genetically altered people are running around our planet, why would they come out in the open? And I can picture it now, all the people with guns and pitch forks ambushing the home (castle in the old times with torches) and banging down the door and   
taking them our for the sole reason that they are different. Once are they slowly taking over the population it will be too late for all of us, lets just hope the government doesn't wait to long.

EDITORIAL WHAT ABOUT THANKSGIVING? 

**_By Logans_Babe_**

With the onrush of the holiday season, everyone seems to forget Thanksgiving. Oh no, I am not talking about the food or the annoying family gatherings. I am talking about the decorations. When I was a young'n we would have turkey signs and window stickies. And those Cornucopia things with veggies and what not. But who ever wants to put up candles of turkeys, or ones that smell like stuffing? People are already decorating for Christmas and rightly so, everyone should decorate for Christmas, but the court house had decorations up in October. A little soon don't you think? All I want to know is what about Thanksgiving.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 

Dear Editor: 

I would like to thank you for publishing Ms. Shnapzie's "Computer Possession" article. It was gratifying to realize that there are those who are even crazier than me! Computer possessed--*snort*. I'd recommend you doing random drug tests on your employees (Ms. Shnapzie must've been on something when she wrote that article) but I don't want to give _my_ employer any ideas on the off-chance that he reads this newspaper. 

FEATURES 

Every year, we run an essay contest at the local elementary schools.  Following are the entries chosen by each of our reporters.

WHAT THANKSGIVING MEANS TO ME 

What Thanksgiving means to me... Thanksgiving means to me is having a nice turkey dinner with family and giving thanks for all that you have. Usually the dinner will have mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, corn, rolls, pumpkin pie, and of course turkey. I really enjoy it because I get to spend time with family that I don't usually get to see and I have a lot of fun. I always go over to my grandma's house for this dinner. Thanksgiving is always on the 3rd Thursday of November so the weather depends on if the Thursday is earlier or later. But what I really like is the day after Thanksgiving when my mother, my 2 sisters, and myself go shopping for the whole mourning. It is really fun. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because it is in fall (usually), which is my favorite season. Thanksgiving is a time of joy and happiness in which most of the world is peaceful. Lisa, age 10 _(727angel)_  

Good stuff: Turkey. Lots 'n lots of turkey. brown meat not white. My mom and brother eat the white meat. And mashed potatoes with tons of butter. Cover it all in cranberry sauce and shovel it down as fast as possible. There is never enough to go around. 

Bad stuff: dishes. My brother had to do 'em one year and he broke a bunch of grandma's good china so he doesn't have to any more. I tried the same trick an' got sent to my room for a week. It isn't fair.  Brian, age 10 _(DAF9)_

Thanksgiving means another year of unfulfilled wants. It's a nice reminder of all the unanswered wishes that will be coming up during Christmas. Alex, age 12 _(thejerk2k1)_

My name is Donny Im 9 years old and I live in the city of Seattle.Thanksgiving is a very good day for me and my mom.its a good day because we get to eat all the good food we want and sometimes mommy stays with me for the whole nite.everyone is happy on Thanksgiving day and thats nice because on other days a lot of people are sad,my mommy to.Thanksgiving day we put on our best clothes and me and mommy go to "Brother Don's Out Reach" to eat thankgiving dinner with lots and lots of our friends.Mommy sez that Brother Don is a good man and mommy used to work for Brother Don and they are very good friends,thats why mommy named me Don,we are lucky.Brother Don gives all the people turkey and potatoes and cranberry sauce and we get hot doughnuts and cookies and mommy and the other grown-ups get lots of beer,wine and lightning to drink,mommy sez it makes grown-ups warm and friendly,but not kids,but someday Im going to drink some because the car we live in is very cold.Thanksgiving is nice and this why.Donny age 8 _(dcrracing)_

Thanksgiving means we have to save up all our money even the pennies so we can give the man money to give us sector passes to see Grandma so we can't have anything nice before Thanksgiving so then we go to Grandma's and give thanks but she smells funny and the turkey tastes funny and I don't think it's really turkey so I don't want to save all the pennies next year I want to stay home and eat a hamburger. Darren, age 7 _ (jennem1)_

What Thanksgiving means to me: By Sidney, age 8 Thanksgiving means I get to spend time with the people I love most....My Grandpapy, my Uncle Tobe, and my Pa. You see three years ago when it got pretty cold, they all went out to steal my mommy's rich friend's turkey. They were going to hack em up and have a pretty nice meal. But they got into a wreck cause it was slick. So after a few hours my mommy went out with her fryin pant to wack em cause they were so late, and found out that they had been in a wreck. I am thankful for spending time with them. And now that they are all handicapped it is easier to hide their false teeth without them catching me and funnier to watch them try and eat without them.   
P.S. I hide them it the toilet tank. _(logans_babe)_

Thanksgiving means that my family and I get together and be thankful that we are all together. we get all my cousins and grandparents to come visit us at out box and we cook rats or sometimes birds over a flaming trash can and enjoy being together. It also gives me and my brother a chance to tell everybody what we want for christmas since thats the next time they visit. Michelle, age 9 _(jox5)_****

**ODDITIES   
By Logans_Babe**

As we look upon past Thanksgivings, we see families who would drop everything to be together for one meal. And not just any families, happy familes who had a lot to be thankful for. People had turkey and pumpkin pies. Hot food, a loving family and some good entertainment...football. 

Its odd how much we have changed since then. Nowadays people are more worried about the food than the giving thanks part of Thanksgiving. I've talked to a few people who have said they would give their parents away just to get one scrap of extra food. Where has our love gone? And what kind of food are we having at Thanksgiving now anyway? Turkeys are in short supply, not much milk for any kind of cooking, sweets are limited, vegetables are scarce. What are we to do with ourselves?

LONGING 

**_By Sportzgirl16_**

In the cold dark night,  
With the ocean near  
and stars shining bright,  
We was together then without any fear.  
We talked all day,  
Until the sun went down,  
Sitting by the bay  
that leads to the ocean ground.  
Sometimes I remember him  
When few moments pass  
And I wonder if I'll ever see him again,  
At next summer's class.  
It makes me sad that I can see him no more,  
With all the memories of the sweet little boy.

**_It's not too late!!!_**

**_Come to Dr. DAF9's DNA Emporium right away!_**

**_Today only, we are selling genetically enhanced sparrows for the low, low price of 4 easy payments of $29.95 each._**

**_Feed your sparrow steroids and Tryptophan twice a week and you will have a turkey sized fowl in time for Christmas._**

**_A free box of band-aids to the first 100 customers. [Sparrows on steroids are cranky, much like athletes.]_**

**_Give someone you love the bird this holiday season._**

ENTERTAINMENT THANKSGIVING PAGEANT 

**_By Jox5_**

Downtown Seattle is an exciting place to be on Thanksgiving. Everywhere you look you see people trying to make the best of a bad situation. Families are celebrating the holidays together even if it is in a box. The red cross is handing out turkey dinners to the people on the streets who then cook over burning cars. The more fortunate people who can afford to buy dinner are doing everything they can to pretend the pulse never happened. 

It is amazing how people can still be thankful for the nothing they have. The only thing the pulse didn't destroy was people's spirit. That spirit was shinning through on main street were people were celebrating. Shops had live turkeys for sale in the windows while larger birds were parading around. 

The 23 annual Thanksgiving turkey pageant was a great success. This year 17 contestants showed up to try and win the cash prize. The winner was somebody by the name of Gobble Gobble. Gobble Gobble was wearing an amazing turkey costume that looked incredibly real. When asked how the costume was made the only response was "Gobble Gobble". This person was really into the holiday because Gobble Gobble didn't take off his costume after the pageant. When a little kid stole one of his 3ft feathers Gobble Gobble ran off making incoherent noises. This was one nut that this reporter will never forget.

MOVIE LISTINGS 

**_By Weirdarchive_**

_On Cineplex, Canada_

**_CONFESSIONAL_**_, 2006, starring Saffron Burrows, Jude Law, and Kate Winslet. Written and directed by Mike Figgis. Rated R._ Never let it be said that Ms. Burrows doesn't do ordinary roles. True, while her work in **_WING COMMANDER_** and **_DEEP BLUE SEA_** borders on self-parody, her later films like **_MISS JULIE_** did show how far she could take a role and add an edge to it that impresses critics and fans alike. She does just that in this satire of the Catholic Church by Mike Figgis, set at the time shortly after Pope John Paul II's death. Burrows plays an English-born naturalized American nun who suddenly decides to head a movement that wants to split away from Rome, offering mass to gays, condoning liberal birth control, and allowing women to become Cardinals. Naturally, this doesn't sit well with the new Pope (played with conviction by Edward Woodard) who sends a young priest (Law) to talk some sense into the radical. Of course, the priest has questions of faith of his own, particularly with the inspiration of the radical American Catholic movement...a young woman who's more at home with the Wiccan movement than Christ (Winslet). While the last third of the movie falls into the old lecture trap over how God wants His flock to handle themselves and who speaks for Jesus, the movie does give a refreshing light into how silly both sides of the debate can be if they bothered to look at themselves. The Catholic Church didn't seem amused at first when the movie premiered, but since the reforms of Vatican III took effect which gave women more say in Papal matters and destigmatized homosexuality to a degree, the film has been a favorite among the rising clergy eager to give Rome some new ideas and eventual leadership in the 21st Century. Nominated for Best Film by the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards. _Contains nudity, sexual content, violence, and religious satire. Parents Strongly Cautioned._

**_ALIAS: TELL ME NO LIES_**_, 2004, starring Jennifer Garner, Carl Lumbly, Ron Rifkin, Rene Zellweger, Terry O'Quinn, and Lance Henriksen. Written and Directed by J.J. Abrams. Rated R._ Following the footsteps of another television series, which did a theatrical, release while still in production, this movie picks up after the third season cliffhanger. Sydney and Dixon (who found out about Sydney's double agent status at the start of the second season) are on the run from Sloane, who is hellbent on killing them for their betrayal of SD6. Naturally, he calls on a couple of heavy hitters in the form of a British agent (Zellweger, making full use of her accent she acquired in **_BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY_**) and a Canadian mafia assassin who desires the quiet life of his vineyards in France (O'Quinn). Course, Sydney has a few aces up her sleeve...especially after Dixon's mentor (Henriksen) decides to join the fray as everyone races to secure a computer disc that has some damaging information about the newly elected American President. Granted, some of the show doesn't transfer as well into the big screen, but at least in this format Abrams is allowed to use more action and nudity (mostly from Garner, though Zellweger does venture a peek or two) that was only suggested at on the series. Intense, intriguing, and definitely a nail-biter, it's sad that they only did one **_ALIAS_** movie as opposed to the questionable two other **_X FILES_** films that should've been shelved when its popularity waned. _Contains violence, nudity, sexual content, and ethnic slurs. Parents Strongly Cautioned._

**ADVICE**

**_ANSWERING YOUR DREAMS_**

**_By Legend10013_**

Hi, and welcome to "Answering your dreams" column. Dr. Stacey has decided to retire and Legend10013 be subbing for her until we can find a cheaper replacement...ummm...better candidate. We have luckily retained the services of Legend10013 guru to the stars. 

I'm glad to be here to help people in need. I mean it. I'm paid by the hour here right?...hmmm...okay..let's hear from some of our readers. 

"I have this dream about being at a lemonade stand and I'm really thirsty. There are three kinda lemons on the table and a kid is there demanding I choose. Please help and tell me what this means."   
-Lemon@buyer.com- 

"Well, this is a easy one..I myself went with PS2 over game cube or X-box but it's up to you. By the way...I'll be sending you my bill for $299.99"   
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com- 

"It's dark and there seems no end to it and then I begin to fall. I also dream about a moth and a burning candle. What does it mean?"   
-Staff@Bob Patterson.com- 

"The dark is an expression of the unknown in your life and the falling sensation is your feeling of loss of control. The moth is you and the candle represents an obstacle that you can't overcome. I think your career is pretty much over."   
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com- 

"I dream someone is watching me in my dream. Please help."   
16249612@msn.com 

"Hmmm....have you recently upgraded to XP? Many users have this problem."   
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com- 

"Every November I have these dreams of people chasing me and they wear funny black clothes and carrying guns. I also have some issues with weight...can you help?"   
Tom@predue.com 

"Ummm..how much do you weigh?...since it's Thanksgiving and all I would like to invite you over for dinner...come early say around 6:00am...let's see...that how many pounds per hour.."   
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com- 

"I've been having nightmares..I can't go into details but no one seems to be what they say they are and everyone wants me to do something for them. Please help!"   
S@SD6.com 

"First, let me say to the staff at Streets "Bravo" for being able to decrypt her message. Next, I'm not sure I have the clearance to...what the?...who could be knocking at the door this time of day?....yeah, hello...what...No!!...[transmission terminated]"   
-legend10013@streetsofseattle.com- 

**CLASSIFIEDS**

HELP WANTED Dream Interpreter: Due to a recent opening on our newspaper staff we are presently looking for a person with charm and the ability to interpret dreams. If you think you have what it takes please contact Jennem1@Streetsofseattle.com. 

Come by Captain Don's NOW!!!.We are in great need of NEW, FRESH Teenage girls for the Holidays. We can give you a room, great food and even some money in your pocket! Change your life forever!, see the world!, come by Captain Don's by the pier! (dcrracing)

Come to Joe's Crab Shack!!!  The new therapy center in downtown Seattle!! We'll deal with those crabs in your life! Just send them to us! 567-567-5789  4357 Main 

Bev's Beauty Products 3457 Main Street We would like all of your new or used yak slime. You can drop it off at our downtown location from 3 to 5 pm on week days and 1 to 2 am on weekends. This will go to our current researching project for our new beauty line.   
Don't forget to by our new line: Gloppy Gunky Mascara and Schtuff. 3457 Main Street

For sale: two dead and moldy chickens, still have fresh maggots see the Bum out from of the court house 

For sale: cardboard chair , completed with cardboard throw and pillow Jenny @ Card Board R Us 

Found  a child who just stares. has nice camo outfit, completed with toy gun. please contact Jim 790-678-6787 

Found: whips and chains-rusty but all the better. for trial use call Samol Brown 

Fount: Guns, and lots of them talk to Eric Milton @ the police station 

For sale: 43 year-1999 pre-Pulse Bibles...er, TV Guides.

Woman looking for good man-flesh. Must be taller than Woman. Thick man preferred. Mental smartness not a factor. Be ready to give Woman lots of green paper slips that Woman sees but doesn't have.

Female, tall, 20 's, blonde. Enjoys reading, writing and also into guns and politics. Seeking a soulmate into the para military lifestyle. Must be willing to travel. If you are an adventure seeker   
please contact: A@EO.com 

Male, 20's, tall, dark and good looking. Gainfully employed in medical field. Hobbies include motorcycles, Italian food and bar hopping. Seeking a short term meaningless relation based on nothing but chemistry. Any women with dark hair and love of bikes please contact: Rafer@streetsofseattle.com 

Lost and Found: Seeking long lost father. I'm tall, dark and furry. Former resident from Manti...umm...V.A. hospital. If you have lost a X-1 in the last 10 years or so please contact me at Josh@EO.com 


	17. Christmas Edition

Seeking writers: **http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**EDITION 43, 2019**

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor-in-Chief:   Jennem1**

**Senior Editor:   Daf9**

**Opinionated Formatting Editor:   Shnapzie**

**Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess:  Logans_Babe**

**Editor Emeritus:   Samcrazy**

**Chief Reporter:   WeirdArchive**

**Conspiracy Girl:   CG-Double-O-Nuffin'**

**Contributing Reporter:   Barcodebabe**

**Contributing Reporter:   Syl67**

**Contributing Reporter:   Sebastian310**

**Contributing Reporter:   X-5422**

**Contributing Reporter:   Willow771**

**Contributing Reporter:   Legend10013**

**Contributing Reporter:   Foil_Girl**

**Contributing Reporter:   Mrs_Pibb**

**Contributing Reporter:   Jox5**

**Contributing Reporter:   Dammachine**

******************************************************************************************************

**LOCAL  NEWS**

  
**_MYSTERIOUS MER-CREATURE ON DISPLAY AT LOCAL TAVERN_**

**_By Sebastian310_**  
For centuries sailors to far-off lands have told stories of beautiful sea-creatures called mermaids; half fish, half babe. However, it is more or less accepted that these creatures were simply the products of minds delirious with drink and scurvy, and that mermaids do not exist outside of wild imaginations. However, patrons of the Blowfish Tavern, a strip club for seamen and landlubbers alike in Sector 9, would argue otherwise. They claim that a beautiful woman with gills on her neck who communicated via dolphin clicks was briefly put on show there before being spirited away by masked raiders shortly before closing time. This intrepid new reporter decided to tackle this story and get to the truth behind this fishy tale.

Apparently, the mysterious mermaid, nicknamed 'Gill Girl', was first found in when she was scooped up in a net and brought aboard a fishing boat trawling in Seattle harbor (the harbor?!). One seaman, who gave only his first name, Jack, spoke about this unusual catch of the day.

"When she was first hauled aboard she was deathly pale. We thought she had been killed (by the mob) and dumped in the harbor. It wouldn't have been the first time we brought a hit victim aboard."

On closer inspection, however, Gill Girl was found to be breathing--gasping for air--and she had gills! The fisherman hurriedly placed her in a tub full of water and took her to shore, where they sold her to the Blowfish Tavern, a popular strip club famous for offering two-fers; two gorgeous honeys to enjoy for the price of one, hoo-yeah- anyway Gill Girl was given a tank to call home and put on display for the delight of the patrons.

That's the story, anyway. It might have just been a cunning hoax.

I talked to some of the patrons concerning descriptions of Gill Girl, and how they thought she did it.

A Mister Melvin said, "Dude, she was awesome- body like a supermodel man, but dude, she had gills, man, real big fishy gills, like a shark, man. That's the only way I could see how she could breathe dude."

A Mister Sketchy said, "I still can't figure out how she could breathe, man. I guess breathing tubes could have been concealed somewhere-I personally know a guy who learned to breathe through his anus..."

The owner refused to comment on how she breathed, saying, "That's for me to know and you to find out, bub."

Some patrons say they saw a barcode on the back of her neck. Perhaps she was one of the mysterious beings allegedly created by a secret military project called 'Manticore'. If so, how did she get down to the sea.

We shall probably never know, for shortly before closing eight masked men raided the tavern, smashed Gill Girl's tank and took her away. Were these government operatives stealing back one of their creations? Or a clever ploy intended to keep experts from exposing a fraud? You, the readers, must decide.

WHY THE GOVERNMENT SHOULDN'T MESS WITH MOTHER NATURE By Daf9 

Last week one of the bars down by the docks created a brief stir with a new underwater dancer, "Gill Girl". Rumor has it she was one of these genetically engineered government mutants we've been hearing so much about lately. If that is what our tax dollars are paying for, it may be time to seriously consider a second Boston tea party! First, this was supposed to be a "soldier" designed to function in water, but apart from the gills, all her other organs and limbs were clearly designed to function on land. Note to President Barrows : there's a reason why mermaids have tails. And secondly, if some of the kids who hang out by the shore are to be believed this chickie dancer lays eggs. So why does she have mammary glands? The only covert operations this babe was designed to participate in are obviously those involving politicians and holiday pool parties.

UNDERWATER SPANDEX FACTORY 

**_By Daf9_**

Jacques Cousteau IV announced today that he and his crew had just discovered an underwater spandex factory in the ocean just off Seattle. What's it doing there? Some wit suggested maybe it manufactures clothing for mer-persons. Come on folks, this is Christmas, not April Fools' Day. 

Better lay off the sauce, Jacques.

SEATTLE MILK SHORTAGE 

**_By X5422_**

Seattle--Just imagine, for hundreds of years you've gone down chimneys on Christmas Eve. And each year you have found a plate of cookies and a glass of milk waiting for you. But this year you go down the chimney and find the cookies, but you don't see any milk! All you see is a glass of water!!

This is what Santa has to look forward to this Christmas Eve. Thanks to an epidemic of Mad Cow Disease earlier this year, the number of milk cows has dwindled to a few hundred. With the cost of milk at the unheard of price of $10.75 per gallon; only the rich will be able to afford to treat Santa this year. This brings up a myriad of questions. Will Santa be willing to do without his milk or will he give out lumps of coal at milk-less houses? Or will he take his revenge by taking the Christmas tree? Many are concerned that Santa will just head back to the North Pole once he realizes that he will not be getting milk this year.

In an effort to prevent such disasters, here is a list of milk alternatives that you could leave for Santa:

--A bottle of Jack Daniels-Who could be more giving than a drunk St. Nick?

--An expensive prostitute-Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

--Front teeth-This will make it easier for him to give to all those children who want their two front teeth for Christmas.

--Sexy lingerie-This offering is actually for Mrs. Claus. But I think Santa will enjoy it too. *wink*

Maybe with the right replacement Santa will forget the lack of milk and leave presents. Maybe with enough liquor Santa will leave extra presents! Merry Christmas!

THE ANSWER TO THE HOUSING CRISIS 

**_By Daf9_**

With apartment rates out of site...the cardboard condo shortage reaching a crisis and the Sector Police cracking down on squatters...where is Seattle's ever-burgeoning population to lay their hats or their heads? Enterprising young residents appear to have found the answer in the unlikeliest of places! 

Some group of thugs calling themselves Ironbutts or something like that were found last week camped out in a funeral home. When asked by an SOS reporter what induced him to reside in a casket Ironbutt Eddie replied "Wot the hell.. the dead are dead ain't they? At least they don't complain when you oust them from their homes. Unlike some folks."

_A tisket, a tasket_

_three men in a casket_

_had an X-5 in their pockets_

_silly fools done went and dropped it_

RIOTS AT WAL-MART OVER LEGOS, TROOPS CALLED IN! 

**_By WeirdArchive_**

You know it's the Christmas season when there are decorations everywhere, carolers singing traditional songs, the Black Market has a sale on DVD recorders...and the scent of tear gas is in the air as it was last Thursday at a local Wal-Mart in Sector 13 when outraged shoppers attempted to loot the shopping center for the newest series of Legos from Europe. Sector Police  and National Guard troops were ordered in to maintain order as several individuals tried to hijack a number of delivery trucks alleged to have Legos in their containers. To their dismay, the rigs only had foodstuffs, Christmas trees, and highly overpriced Intel-Dell Omni Series 5 computers. These items were smashed and stolen as the looters continued their rampage. According to some estimates, about $5 million of goods and $2 million in public and private property was damaged or destroyed in the melee. 150 people were injured, with an undisclosed number of fatalities from both police and civilians. Some 3,000 have been arrested and kept under military guard, pending trial. The entire area was locked down and all remaining persons were escorted to nearby Sector Checkpoints for their own safety.

The reason behind the riot was the latest edition to the Legos line known as the Great American Symbols Collection. Among some of the notable sets are the Statue of Liberty (presently the private property of the Sultan of Brunei whose ownership is being contested by members of the American Historical Recovery Society in the World Court at the Hague under the grounds of 'cultural theft'), the World Trade Center Memorial Park (in both its original artist conception and its present unfinished form), the Crazy Horse Memorial, Seattle's Space Needle (which is fetching about $300 in the Black Market), and the US Capital Building complete with concrete barriers and two F-111 Stealth Fighters. The latest wave of nostalgia, triggered by the 20th Anniversary celebration of the Great Tragedy which destroyed the Twin Towers of New York, damaged the Pentagon (which was later to be destroyed by mutinous elements of the military during the Summer of the Coups of 2014, spawned by the disastrous attempt to recapture Alaska the previous year.), and briefly united the nation before the Patriot Acts and the infamous War Against Terrorism that cost George W Bush reelection and eventually bought upon the Pulse, has gripped many Americans yearning for the good old days of plenty and freedom. The Collection, said to be  selling briskly worldwide, was made with the cooperation with the Society and part of the proceeds goes to fund further projects in preserving and rescuing American culture. Further sets from the Collection will include a series of Norman Rockwell paintings and a special Pollack edition that uses the newest Liquid Link Block that can be bent and shaped to one's imagination.

There is no word yet on when the Wal-Mart Center will be reopened. The retail chain, that has managed to survive the Pulse, the Dark Months, and the recent economic downturn, has been reporting major losses due to similar riots caused by a shortage of available goods and the cavalier attitude of some criminal overlords who regularly rob the centers, sometimes with the help of the shoppers themselves. At press time, twenty centers in the Northwest alone have been destroyed or forced to close by massive looting and rioting. President Barrows has not commented to reports that the remaining stores could be seized and placed under military control if such wanton acts continue. About 30 percent of Wal-Mart's total net income goes to its personal security forces, which has been cited by Amnesty International to be 'a step above corporate hooliganism'. There has been no comment from the company's national headquarters in St. Louis.**__**

**_CALE HALLS NOT TO BE DECKED WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY__  
_****_By BarcodeBabe _**

There will be snow – manmade - and mistletoe, but no Cale Christmas Party this year. The family's recent misfortunes have made it impossible for them to hold their annual Christmas party gala, said family spokesman Bennett Cale. This year would have been his and his new wife Maryann's turn to host the festive gathering of family and friends and rich people. 

Back in May of this year, Jonas Cale, head of the family was murdered and the family fortunes were seized in a Seattle PD investigation. To this day, Cale's murder has gone unsolved and the police have no comment. Cale's widow, Margo, also refused to comment. After Cale's death, Cale Industries, the leading manufacturer of Hoverdrone chips was seized and is now government property. The Cales' nephew, Logan, who had been instrumental in brining the story to light, could not be reached for comment. 

With the family fortune gone, the Cales have had to resort to finding actual employment and are too busy to pull together massive holiday gala. In years past, the Cale Christmas Parties have cost an average of over $1.2 million a year to create. Every year the parties grew more extravagant, and the last Cale Christmas party that was actually held had the theme of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" complete with twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying in pear sauce and a partridge. The family hopes to bring back the tradition of having an annual party next year. Maryann Cale has even gone so far as to hire a party coordinator. 

The Cale Family wishes to express their sadness over not being able to share the Christmas spirit with everyone this year. "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone," said Bennett Cale, "Next year all our troubles will be miles away and once again we'll be making the Yuletide gay with faithful friends."

**_SUGGESTIONS FOR A SCALED DOWN CALE CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION_**

**_By DAF9_**

First and most important is to reduce the holiday from 12 days to 6… and forget the "true love"; use a current fling instead. 

To exercise fiscal restraint in staging this do DAF9 (sitting in for Martha Stewart, who I've been informed is dead) recommends the following: 

A partridge in a pear tree - replace with a sparrow in a pine 

2 turtledoves - replace with 2 bars of Dove 

3 French hens - chickens will do the trick 

4 calling birds - send the cat out to drag back a few finches 

5 golden rings - although they're a bit pricey they're still cheaper than the original. Onion rings from MacDonald's.

6 geese a-laying AND seven swans a swimming - Here's where the Cale family has a chance to make a really good impression. If Bennet or Maryann or one of the other Cales hurries down to the bay they may still be in time to pick up some mermaid eggs. Assuming at least six of those babies hatch before Christmas they will provide the piece de resistance to the holiday celebration.

******************************************************************************************************

**INTERNATIONAL NEWS******

'GOVERNOR' HODGES HAS ANNUAL CHRISTMAS DINNER IN HOME, MEETS WITH FARMERS

**_By WeirdArchive_**

Following his annual tradition that he started after taking office, Republic of Alaska President 'Governor' Williams Hodges had his Christmas dinner with his fellow citizens and cabinet at a huge gala in one of the fast growing hydroponic farming communities some 10 miles north of Nome. Among those notables attending were Air Guard Commander 'Rocking' Billy Phillip Hayes, Director of the Department of Law and Order Patricia Meadows, Vice President Calvin Rutherford, and the mayor of Nome Albert Dummings IV.  Rumors of the leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (the former Britney Spears) attending the dinner were dashed when the Exalted Reverend cancelled at the last minute due to a bout of the flu. She was represented by her personal secretary Charles Q, formerly Donald T. Grimm of the Kyoto Lakers. Also invited were about 2,000 members of the Winter Sun Hydroponic Commune, who provided the food, entertainment, and the huge meeting dome. The dome is one of the biggest structures in western Alaska, spanning some 450 feet at its center. It is often used for large gatherings, occasional commune meetings, and emergency shelters in case the other domes are damaged or destroyed. A  Christmas tree was erected at the center radius of the dome, nearly missing the ceiling by about 20  feet.

The dinner was comprised of rainbow trout, squab, Kobe beef, corn of the cob, squash, green beans, wild rice, tofu mixed with sea urchin roe and curry, apple pie, and lemon-lime sorbet, all of which was grown and cultivated by the various farms on the commune. The Winter Sun Symphony, along with the Republic of Alaska Guard Band,  played classical excerpts from 'The Nutcracker' and Beethoven's Fifth and a local country band closed out the evening with some fan favorites.

While the evening was to be festive, politics did rear its head during a brief Q&A held by the Commune's educational collective prior to the dinner. There, children ranging from kindergarten to college age asked 'Governor' Hodges, Vice President Rutherford, Air Commander Hayes, and Mayor Dummings about the current crisis with terrorism, the ongoing move for greater world recognition, and the attempts by the US to 'usurp the just and fair rule by the people, of the people, for the people'. The men gave direct and often colorful answers, some of them making the local religious leader blush with embarrassment. Air Commander Hayes did joke that he was giving Santa an air escort over Alaskan airspace so 'some rocket jockey won't get a little  crazy with his red button'. 'Governor' Hodges then added that he'll personally 'bitchslap the git who sends a missile up Santa's chimney'. Then, the President of the rogue Republic gave his annual pardons and writs of  clemency to a selected group of prisoners who had shown remorse and reform during their incarceration. Among those not getting a pardon were the surviving members  of the former National Guard units still loyal to the US imprisoned for 'treason against the Republic and the people'. Finally, Hodges signed a series of trade agreements with its Bering Strait Pact partners, which were approved by the Alaskan Citizens Assembly during its Fall Session.

Although the White House has annually denounced these dinners as showboating, this year's celebration was met with quiet protest and none of the usual fiery rhetoric of the past. A spokesman only hinted that President Barrows and some of his staff had come down with a cold and could not respond at the present time.

******************************************************************************************************

**ADVERTISEMENT****__**

**_MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, GOOD KWANZAA, JOYOUS WINTER SOLSTICE, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MEMBERS OF THE STREETS OF SEATTLE AND THE CITIZENS OF THIS FINE CITY FROM THE FOLLOWING MERCHANTS:_**

**_Uncle Franky's Chicken in A Box_**

**_Misery K's Attitude Adjusters_**

**_R&J's Reclamation Specialists_**

**_The Three R's Used Appliance Shop_**

**_Ms. Fixit's Auto Salvage_**

**_Crazy Jerry's Video Castle_**

**_The Alaskan Hydroponics Council_**

**_The Greater Western Methane Energy Company_**

**_Sal's Travels_**

**_Andy's Holistic Emporium_**

**_US Re-Cy_**

**_The Canadian Beef Council_**

**_The Canadian Farmers Union_**

**_The Vancouver Board of Tourism_**

**_The Sector Police of The Seattle Military Quadrant_**

**_The Government of The Republic of Korea_**

**_And finally, The Republic of Alaska Bureau of Foreign Workers and Free Trade_**

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**HEALTH**

**_HEALTH WATCH_**

**_By Daf9_**

The Seattle medical community issued an alert today directed at the female population of this city. Seems there's a young stud named Alec (last name unknown) strutting around these days that is a carrier of a highly unusual and incredibly infectious form of …. Well we can't actually tell you what it is because this is a PG-13 rated paper. Suffice it to say; you don't want to catch it. Not only is it painful but also embarrassing; doubly so if your mother ever finds out! A word to the wise...

**_SUDDEN OUTBREAK OF CHICKEN POX SPOILS THE PRE-CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES_**

**_By Daf9_**

Seattle's adult population has been laid low this week with an outbreak of unusually virulent chicken ox. Health professionals agree that individuals who have had the infection as children are generally immune to further episodes for the remainder of their lives. But this week alone local hospitals have reported at least three dozen cases of adults who had chicken pox as children coming in with high fevers and the characteristic rash. The CDC has sent investigators but so far no explanation has been forthcoming.

Upon further investigation CDC scientists report that the new strain of chicken pox appears to have acquired genes from another virus altogether, making the strain unusually mutagenic; more like a flu virus. Hence its ability to infect adults who should have acquired immunity as children.

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**COMPANY NEWS******

**_COMPANY CHRISTMAS BANQUET_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

A beautiful Christmas tree, made out of stacked champagne bottles, was one of the many attractions at this year's annual company Christmas banquet. Other attractions included Santa Clause, exotic dancing elves, and a meal fit for Santa and all his elves!

This year's party took off with a bang - literally - when a drunken employee climbed to the top of the champagne bottle Christmas tree and knocked the whole thing over. The bottles broke open, spilling champagne on everyone and everything. Editor Samcrazy said she witnessed dogman come into the building and start lapping up the champagne.

Despite being wet, the employees were thrilled when greeted with food that included turkey, duck. ham, and tofu. In the rush to get to the food, two people were sent to the hospital. Many reporters were seen stuffing their purses and pockets full with baked goods, little bags of corn, and one  employee brought in his own house (card board box). Sector police who just happened to stop by to "investigate" the party stopped him. They confiscated the turkey he took as evidence.

Santa Claus made his traditional visit with elves and actual reindeer. He was brought in for the children of the employees, but few came. So a few of the employees decided to amuse themselves and sit on Santa's lap. After an hour of waiting in line, Logans_babe decided to kick DAF9 and her mile long list off of Santa's lap. DAF9, feeling cheated out of her time with Santa, followed him when he went to use the restroom. About a half hour later he came streaking out of the restroom with no clothes on, screaming something incoherent. It turns out Santa was a fake, it was actually DTM just dressed up as Santa. It is unsure what went on (and we are not hinting at anything), but currently a picture of "Santa" laying on the bathroom floor buck-naked is floating around.

Chief reporter Weirdarchive had invited some of his close and personal friends: Exotic Dancing Elves. They were extremely popular. The chief editor Jennem1 herself was seen running off with three of the male elves. The elves ended with a routine and took Weird out the door. We have yet to hear from him.

The bartenders had gotten all dressed up for this special occasion no doubt intending to grab a hot date. DCRRacing just happened to be one of the ones that the bartender "Thelma" grabbed. They were cuddling in a *very* dark corner. After asking her to be a part of Captain Don's, he dumped her on the floor. Obviously no one had told him that the bartenders were actually cross-dressers.

Of course there was a *real* Christmas tree, and it had everyone oooing and ahhing. Not long after Sportzgirl16 had shown up, she had enticed 727angel into a decoration fight. We don't have to tell you more than a few people walked home with bruises and cuts.

In the midst of frenzy, Thejerk2k1, Syl167,Dark_Fairy__ were unwrapping the employee presents with haste. They got away with over $2,000 in presents before they were stopped. When told to give them back, they threatened exposure of just what was going on in SOS. Needless to say they still have the presents.

The food pantries were raided of cheese, cookies, and herbal gummies. The culprits were later found to be JOX5, 2NDMOUSEVV, and Legend10013.

According to the latest poll, even though the employees of SOS went home bruised, battered, and more than a little drunk and fat they had a good time and can't wait till the New Years Eve party.

LOGANS_BABE: FROM RAGS TO RICHES.  WHAT ROLE DID THE COMPANY PICNIC PLAY IN HER METEORIC RISE TO THE TOP?

**_By Daf9_**

Those of us who have been at SOS since the very beginning remember Logans_Babe when she was just a mail girl. Suddenly, just a few months later she was promoted to Chief Financial Officer. There were rumblings of nepotism. People were asking "Is Logans_Babe Jennem1's secret love child or does she just have friends in high places?" But either we are lousy reporters or they have kept the evidence well hidden because none was ever found. In any case, after last year's incident at the company picnic, most employees believed that Logans_Babe was destined to sink into obscurity but, surprisingly, she has continued to ascend. Witness her latest promotion to Management Goddess. Was there more to that company picnic thing than meets the eye? Was that Chippendale dancer not what he appeared to be? And why was he last seen in company of Jennem1 - where did they go and who was that man in the wheelchair who followed them? Where did WEIRDARCHIVES--who seemed to be having a great time up till then--disappear to immediately following Logans_Babe's arrest? Was Shnapzie's sudden illness just a ruse? Why after all this time has Conspiracy Girl not given us the scoop yet? The SOS  employees are REALLY curious.

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**EDITORIAL__**

**_SAAAY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO……?_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

Those of you old enough to remember pre-Pulse days, think back for a minute.  Those individuals who were bestowed the title of "celebrity" were the closest we had to deities on Earth.  It seemed that everybody was more interested in what was happening to these people than what was happening in one's own family.  Many Americans knew intimate details about the private lives of the stars but didn't even know the first names of their next-door neighbors.  Several magazine chains – _People, __US, __Entertainment Weekly – were devoted to the goings on in the world of the famous.  There was even a cable channel, __E!, that was all entertainment, all the time.  Getting the "star treatment" was coined referring to what lengths were went to in making sure that the celebrity was comfortable.  People did everything but bow down and kiss their feet.  (Well, who knows?  Maybe that actually did happen.) _

It's funny to see how the Pulse affected the stars.  Tom Cruise secluded himself in his mansion, but then watched it get looted after the electronic security was disabled, pinned to the wall by a crazed fan of Nicole Kidman's wielding a handmade grenade.  Some of the more egotistical stars have resorted to that medical travesty known as "genetucking."  Julia Roberts disappeared from public view for years, and was later discovered as being one of the handmaids to Samantha Adjia (the former Britney Spears), leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed.  Bill Murray was very hard hit.  He had invested nearly all of his fortune in numerous electronic venues.  Poof—gone.  Since then, he has taken to performing stand-up comedy and amateur magic in several small nightclubs.  Robert Downey Jr. took the opportunity to flee the country during the ensuing confusion.  Reportedly, he now answers to the title of "Czar Bob" and heads one of the largest underground drug empires in the western hemisphere.  Though hunted furiously by the Tri-Country International Intelligence Department (TCIID), they have yet to establish which country he is operating from.

A few lucky celebrities were able to rise from the ashes of the Pulse, as evidenced by the reviews of our movie critic, WeirdArchive.  But even with today's famous people, their "kingdoms" are much smaller than those of their predecessors.  That so extremely loyal American public now has more important things to worry about (like where to get the medication that the hospital "misplaced," or avoiding the freaky sci-fi creatures the are running around everywhere these days) than who's carrying who's baby, or who's come out of the closet recently. But hopefully, eventually the Gods Entertainment, Frivolity, and Leisure will be able to defeat the Titans Poverty, Corruption, and Depression that rule the Earth today.****

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**FEATURES******

_LETTERS TO SANTA_

Dear Santa

I have been a good boy this year, so far I have only managed to start war in one country and I plan to start war in another. I'm doing this for your benefit so that you don't have to check Osama bin Laden as bad on your list...cause he'll already be dead (bwahahaha).

Here is what I want for Christmas:

-100 new AV-8B V/STOL (vertical/short takeoff and landing) fighter jets

-50 Tomahawk cruise missiles

-6 F-22 Raptors (fighter jets)

-A walk-in closet full of naughty lingerie

-My very own Paint with Water "War Strategists" coloring book

-And most of all Santa...could you bring me 2nd MouseVV? I really like her style and her frying pan.

Thank you Santa.

Yours truly,

George Bush   

_Dear Imposter_

_You don't fool me for a minute. You are far, FAR too coherent to be the REAL George Bush.  Now beat it before I call the elves._

_DAF9_

_(for Santa Claus who is too busy to deal with riff-raff like you)_

Dear Santa,

I've been very good this year. I've only hit my sister 5 out of 15 times that I wanted to.  Anyway, all I want for Christmas is one of those genetically engineered dog things that have been running around. I hear they can play a mean game of fetch.

Thanks,

Joe Shmoe, age 7   

Dear Santa:

I know you're part of the Greater Conspiracy to subvert us and all I want for Christmas is for you to admit your villainy to everyone!!  Um...that and a new bike. A black Humvee destroyed my old one.

Sincerely,

a disciple of CG double-oh-nuffin'   __

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is to have my Daddy come home. Last year he got real sick and Mommy said he had to go to heaven. But I really miss him. He was a real good Daddy and  I'm sure he misses me too.

Love,

Little Bit   

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I want a Billy Bonfire Action Figure. Not the little one, the big one with the red uniform and the bendy knees and the optional Radar Ranger backpack and Sub-Atomic weapons kit. Like the one that Sam has. Sam is a pain in the butt. He always has new toys because he has so many daddies. He says his Billy Bonfire was the last one at the store so I can't have one. But he leaves his window open at night and he's real hard to wake up and I'm pretty used to used toys. And you're pretty used to going into people's houses late at night.  If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Thanks.

Joe   

Dear Santa,

For Christmas I would like to have JAMA accept my article entitled "Temporary Restoration of Neural Function in a Paraplegic Transfused with Blood from a Manticore X-5".

Sincerely yours,

Dr. Sam   

Dear Santa,

I would my own set of faeries. Not those weird toy ones, but real ones!  I would like a fire faerie with an asymmetrical skirt with two layers that are ruffled (orange and red) and a red midriff older neck. Also, an air faerie with a one shouldered ruffled white top and matching skirt, an earth faerie with a green strapless top and green skirt, and then a water faerie with.....

Ellen   

Dear Santa......oh DEAR DEAR SANTA...I am uhhhhhhhhhhh....11..sure, 11 why not! And I  want one and only one thing this year.....a man....hey!  We're a different generation than when you were a kid, ok?  Please bring me Hayden Christensen complete with blond hair, blue eyes, and that sexy lightsaber..I love JEDI!   

Dear Santa,

My ex husband Loogie used to be a hottie but now he looks like a geek. For Christmas please bring me his old hair and glasses so he can NEVER FIND THEM AGAIN!!!!

Kisses,

Val   

Dear Santa,

There's this guy named Adam. Works/lives on a farm someplace. Please tell him I'm sorry and give him all my love for Christmas.

Thanks,

Max   

Dear Santa,

Dr. Tanaka told me that you don't exist - but just in case he was wrong please send me an electroporator and a new pipetman so I can continue my cloning experiments.

Your friend

Jude   

Dear Santa,

My mom's become a vegetablarian. What I want for Christmas is for you to make all the tofurkey in the world to disappear.

PS. I've been very good ...well except for feeding the Thanksgiving tofurkey to Fido.

PPS. I'm a meet eater

Billy M.   

Dear Santa,

I'm kinda afraid of fires so I would like a fire extinguisher and a new house made of totally non fam...non-flami....stuff that doesn't burn.

P.S. My aunt makes great cookies

Love

Sage   

Dear Santa

My dentist Dr. DTM doesn't believe in you. Please send him lots of teeth for Christmas so he doesn't keep trying to take mine.

Joey   

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is to have butterfly ballots banned FOREVER.

Best Wishes

Your pal

Albert Gore   

**_ODDITIES_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

Just the other day I saw carolers out with a big crowd listening to them and I decided to hear what they were singing. Oh they had all types of songs from O Christmas Tree to Hark The Herald Angels Sing. All were adapted to fit the Post-Pulse time. One caught my eye: the 12 Days Of Christmas. You know how the song goes so I will just relate the 12 things that were given.

A genetically enhanced man just for me

Two plucked chickens

Three sector passes

Four motorcycles

Five lumps of coal

Six SOS editions

Seven fire barrels

Eight cardboard condos

Nine Jampony messengers

Ten water heaters

Eleven bionic body parts

Twelve wads of yak slime

Well, at least we still have normal songs like Jingle Bells.

**_SHOPPING IN POST-PULSE AMERICA_**

**_By Jox5_**

The Christmas season is here and once again people are wondering what is hot with kids. We can't give them video games and movies like pre-pulse days but Santa still must come down the chimney (or whatever you people living in boxes tell your kids).

After talking with several shop owners, kids, and street Santas I was able to make a list of the top 5 gifts kids want to find under the Christmas tree.

5.  Candy--Some things never change; the only difference between pre- and post-pulse kids is that post pulse are happy with only candy.

4.  Clothes--Kids are having a hard time keeping up with the latest fashions now that they can't go shopping every time a magazine comes out.

3. Boxes--Every kid wants their own room and when they see they get to live in a box alone they will love you for life.

2.   Batteries--It is harder than ever to keep electronic toys running; families with little money can give batteries and the kids will be happy until they run out.

1. Toy hoverdrones--Pre-pulse children had helicopters, and now they have hoverdrones. The sector police will be giving them out for free at check stop 4 from 8am-3pm until Christmas (may contain camera).

**_OLD FASHIONED CHRISTMAS GIFTS YOUR FRIENDS WILL LOVE!_**

**_By Syl67_**

Way back in the 90's, when your parents and grandparents were worried about silly things like the 'Millennium Bug' and 'global warming', it was fashionable to scoff at the traditional Christmas gifts that Americans had been enjoying fifty and one hundred years earlier. Nowadays, we know better. Tradition and nostalgia are best. We at Streets Of Seattle have put together a list of things that your friends and family will appreciate today!

**Family**

--Socks. It used to be that you could get in your car, drive to *mart and buy a pair of socks for $2.99. Well, now *mart is bankrupt, and you don't have $2.99 anyway. Hand knit wool socks, just like your great-grandmother used to make, will be enjoyed by everyone who has cold feet and walks to work in the rain and snow. Even ugly, funny-colored, lumpy socks are good to wear to bed when the roof is leaking and the heat is out.

--Fruitcake. Ok, your parents told you it was icky. But fruitcake is just full of calories! One  five-pound fruitcake has enough calories to keep you going for a week. And if you are really hungry, you can really appreciate all the butter, nuts, and sticky candied fruit. Brandy or rum-soaked fruitcakes are an especially thoughtful gift. Don't feel like baking? Just give the rum or brandy!

--Underwear. Select the sort of underwear your friend will enjoy most. If he or she is squatting in an unheated, unfinished 'storage' space, try the warmest, itchiest wool long underwear you can find (scratching keeps you warm! Really!) For your conservative, used-to-be-Republican Dad, find him some pre-Pulse silk boxers. The 'working girl' on your list will appreciate slinky, lacy, thong back panties, and so will her clients!

**Children**

--A little red wagon. This is a classic Christmas gift! Any child on your list will be happy to get a little red wagon, especially if it still has all four wheels. Missy or Junior can use it to collect scrap metal and aluminum cans!

--Hand-made wooden toys. Any child on your list will love a beautiful, carefully crafted toy. They will 'antique' it with shoe polish and sandpaper, then trade it to a Japanese tourist for the video game console that they really wanted.

--A puppy. Even angry, hard-to-please teens will love getting a puppy for Christmas. Large, longhaired dogs are especially warm on cold winter nights. Better yet, careful training will turn even the most friendly and loving puppy into a vicious, crazed, attack dog!

**Friends**

--Accordion. Once upon a time, everyone loved accordion music. Your friends will love it again, because they can keep playing polkas even when the power is out! (You may wish to consider this gift for someone who doesn't live in the same building. Playing the accordion takes a little practice)

--Neckties. Sorry, no one wants these now either. But a stylish silk cravat or a toasty wool muffler will keep your friend warm, and hide his or her unfortunate gang tattoos.

--Coal. Coal is the traditional stocking-stuffer for the bad child. It is supposed to remind the little heathen of the fires of Hell if he or she doesn't shape up. With today's energy prices, everyone will tell Santa  "I've been bad! I've been really bad!"

Now, more than ever, we need the comfort of custom, tradition, and the love of friends and family. Let your loved ones know how much you care by giving them a gift that will make their lives a little more comfortable, a little warmer, and a little happier. 

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**CONSPIRACY**

**_IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES….FROM THE ARCHIVES OF CG DOUBLE-OH-NUFFIN_**

**_By 2NDMOUSEVV_**

"We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!"

Ah, yes, the holiday season! Snow (sometimes), presents, pretty trees, good will towards all, Rudolph, Santa and Santa's little helpers...ah yes, the elves.  What could be more festive, you might ask, than little men with pointed ears dressed up in ridiculous costumes? But, my friends, you will soon learn the error of your ways.  Ah, yes, elves, jolly people with pointed ears who are *abnormally* small. As mythical as Griffins and Manticores, and much less dangerous! That is the gravest and most erroneous assumption you could make.

For the elves are more than jolly little men, yes, my friends, much more...Many, many years ago, the government officials of a country that shall remain nameless, decided that their usual methods of controlling the populace just weren't good enough.  After all, you can put listening devices and other such things in a person's home, but you  can't search their domiciles very well when someone's at home. A full grown man sorting through a woman's lingerie drawer and therefore INVADING HER PRIVACY, ahem, pardon me, is rather hard to ignore, and also quite easy to *hurt*...but I digress.

The government thought, and pondered, and thought some more. If not for the fact of one of those government officials having a small child, they might *never* have thought up one of the most devious and wicked schemes yet.

This government official went home and was asked to read a *Christmas* bedtime story to his youngest child...and *that* was when he had the brainstorm.  What could be more non-threatening, he thought, than beloved characters from children's' stories? And so the plot began.

Through selective breeding, genetic manipulation and the help of certain designers, who shall also remain nameless, they finally developed what they decided to term their "Invisible Friends" (a few of the scientists had rather *interesting* mental problems, which aided me in my research). And so it started...  An elf could break into a person's home (down the chimney, ironically, became their  favorite entry point), search around, and never be caught. For if an adult found them, they  would think they were hallucinating, because everyone knows that there are *no such things as elves*! If a child found one, the elf would merely ignore it and continue on its way. If the child told anyone the adults would merely think said child had an "imaginary friend".

So this year, friends, listen to your kids. If they say they saw an elf searching through your closet a few minutes ago, grab a bat and start swinging!

Oh, and if you see a guy with a broken nose, wrist splint and a weird welt across his face, please stomp on his left foot for me.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!

**_IS IT A CONSPIRACY OR NEW MATH?_**

**_By Daf9_**

Parents beware! Just when you figured you had math figured out back when  you were a kid what happened? You graduated of course! And then YOUR kids came along and you discovered they had changed EVERYTHING. The latest horror…apparently kids are no longer subtracting numbers from numbers. You know, like take one from five and what's left? Now they're teaching them to remove numbers from body parts like seven from elbow or three from knee; eight from appendix or two from teeth? And is there any significance to the fact that two from teeth AND teeth from two both sound like old pre-Pulse songs? All I want for Christmas is my two from teeth...embedded neatly in the dashboard of an old pre-Pulse Ferrari.

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**ADVICE**

**_DEAR DR. LOVE_**

Dear Doctor Love,

With Christmas coming up I desperately need a hot date for all the family gatherings. I've tried a doctor, but he is always on call so no one believes I am really going out with a doctor. I've tried a lawyer, but my parents wanted him to do cases for us for free. I've tried a policeman, but he found out we were growing pot in our backyard and put us in jail.

Who should I get this Christmas?

Thanks,

Confused     

_Dear Confused,_

_I think your safest bet is to go with a garbage man. Sure he perpetually smells bad, but that will work to your advantage. Think of it this way: no one will stick around long enough to get to know him and there will be more food for you!_

_The Doc_

_Steph     _

Dear Doctor Love,

I have a wee little problem. I have an obsession. . .with belly button lint. I collect my own as well as that of others. I have been know to accost strangers on the street and remove the lint from their bellybuttons. This has resulted in numerous arrests.  What can I do?

Linty    

_Dear Linty,_

_The solution to your problem is to have your gall bladder removed laporoscopically. During this procedure your gall bladder is removed through an incision in your navel. The band-aid has to stay on for several weeks and when it comes off the resulting scar looks SO GROSS you will have no desire to look at it, let alone poke around to find lint. Alternatively, you could trade your belly button lint for some unwashed socks. Trust me, it'll cure your obsession._

_DAF9_

Dear Doctor Love,

I dyed my hair with this stuff I bought from the Streets of Seattle classifieds, and now my boyfriend says my head looks like a giant pumpkin.  He says he could deal with it at Halloween and Thanksgiving, but he can't bring a pumpkinhead home to the folks for Christmas. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Jackie Lantern   

_Dear Pumpkinhead_

_I would recommend dying your hair red and green and putting in some blinking lights, a little tinsel...._

_Either that or contact DAF9 who for a price will tweak your bf's DNA to generate a little colorblindness.    _

**_ANSWERING YOUR DREAMS_**

**_By Legend10013_**

Hi, and welcome to "Answering your dreams" column. Now that I've cleared out Dr. Stacey's office and put my stuff in here I'll have more time to slee...uumm...I mean help you. By the way if you are interested in Dr. Stacey's stuff there will be a auction on E-bay. Contact me if you are interested in buying my self esteem, too. 

I'm Legend10013. Guru to the stars. I'm glad to be here to help people in need, or so the ad says. Let's hear from some of our readers. 

_I dream about a girl on a horse. She rides up to my door. I hold out my hand and then she smiles. My heart melts. A few moments pass as I notice that we are floating. She looks back at me shocked. And..and...something inside of me makes me tell her that she's safe. Then we beginning flying. She giggles happily. I turn to look at her then in a instant her hair turns blonde, her face and I notice I'm on the ground again. She hands me a newspaper with the headline "Aliens are here to save us!". Please tell me what it all means.  
CK@SV.com _

The girl in the first part of your dream will always be your fantasy. The flying part of it indicates that you think you'll have to be a..a.what's the word I'm looking for..superman..yes, that sounds good. A superman to have her within reach. The blonde girl is someone who you can see a future with. That headline with aliens are here to save the world indicates you have been drinking a wee bit too much eggnog. When you sober up and you still need answers you might try spending time alone or talking to your parents CK.   
Legend10013@SOS.com 

_Dear Mr. Legend. I've been having nightmares for about eleven months or so. A large hourglass sits at my work desk. The sand flows swiftly as I approach it. I hear a voice crying out "Work faster, faster..." I rush to my desk and do the mountain of work as fast as I can. My hands become blistered at the furious pace I keep but the sands in the hourglass are nearly done. A large red beast laughs loudly and the unfinished work falls down upon my head burying me. I try to break free.....then I wake up in a cold sweat. What does it mean Mr. Legend?           283235293E@SWS.com_

Oh my, ahhh....ummm...seeing as it's almost Christmas I feel that I really can't help you. See, your dream is about your boss. The big guy. Normally I'd try to help you but I've been a good cookie monster this year and I expect Santa to bring me presents. Sorry Mr. Elf. This is really a union problem. I suggest speaking to your local Elf toy making rep. Have a merry X-mas anyway. Legend10013@SOS.com 

_I don't usually do this sort of thing but I can't sleep or eat. My problem is that I don't dream. I mean I have hopes and stuff but not dreams. There's like flashbacks that I get. I see a girl...dark hair....then a pair of eyes. Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to see a doctor? I was recently in a accident or so I was told.   
Anonymous@farmers.com _

Accident you say? Well, I'd have to say that they are probably nothing and your dreams should slowly come back to you if you give it time. The girl in your dreams may be a memory of a sister or a girl you've loved.   
Legend10013@SOS.com 

PS. Have a merry X-mas and happy New Year everyone!

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**ENTERTAINMENT**

**_SHOCK AT ATHENS! BLEETH GENETUCK & NUM!_**

**_By WeirdArchive_**

'REAL' YASMINE BLEETH FOUND AS GENETUCK AND NUM JUNKIE, KIDNAPPING GIRLS TO BE REMADE INTO HER IMAGE. POLICE STUNNED!

The ongoing Genetucking Scandal in Expatriate Hollywood took a disturbing turn no one had ever thought could happen except in old style horror movies. An anonymous tip and a dead body led members of Genetics Safety Enforcement Division of the World Health Organization and the European Police Force to the mansion of Yasmine Bleeth in Athens, Greece. There, they found one of the most shocking examples of the growing abuse of cosmetic genetic enhancement: a  group of kidnapped women in various stages of becoming the very same actress who has also been discovered to be addicted to the narcotic addiction suppressant Num.

In the raid, the G.S.E. and police found an untold number of kidnapped girls imprisoned and kept under a Spartan diet and exercise program under the care of armed guards and automated servants. By some estimates, 115 girls were being held in the huge 150-acre mansion surrounded by the latest security protocols and an artificial moat to quell intrusion. The real actress was found in a bed, surrounded by the mummified remains of her husband, three children, and an unknown number of unidentifiable corpses set up like a Pharaoh's tomb, and looking more like a ninety year old than her actual age of 53 with her right arm hooked to an IV drip containing a mixture of Num and other indeterminate material (though highly refined recombinant DNA has not been ruled out).  Also found in her bedroom were several machines of an undisclosed nature, looking more like 'hospital white coffins with enough tubes and wires to make FRANKENSTEIN look cheap'. In these coffins, twenty girls, ranging in ages from 19 to 40, were being put through what one member of the G.S.E. called 'torture of the unspeakable, ranking up there with Mengele'. Some reports had the changes ranging from minor like hair coloring and iris pigmentation to full blown genetic reconstruction of the actress complete with memories of her life. An unidentified agent had described how some of the girls had suddenly collapsed into 'mushy fleshy sacs not even close to human' when the machines were finally shut down, giving off a smell he called 'a mixture of  overly ripe honeydew melons and pus'. Some had heard both the real actress and some of the changelings' scream in pain during the shutdown. The condition of the twenty has not been disclosed, though unconfirmed reports have seven to ten 'changelings' dead from Genetuck Withdrawal and shock while the rest are undergoing psychiatric care and possible gene therapy to recover as much of their original DNA as  possible.

While the actress had recently condemned Neve Campbell and Denise Richards (who presently under quarantine at an undisclosed location), the European Police had the actress under suspicion for several unsolved missing women  cases and a string of disappearances involving her youthful and mostly female staff. According to some sources, the leads were mostly circumstantial and weren't enough for a warrant until a body washed ashore on the beach of a local Greek vacation resort whose name is being withheld for privacy. At first, the  nude body was mistaken for Ms. Bleeth until a DNA test discovered several strains that bore the telltale signs of  Genetucking. "You see," Director of the G.S.E. Hans Buren said on the telephone after the raid, "as the body ages, the number of junk DNA tends to increase and damage the strains. This in part causes wrinkles, slower metabolism, and some of the other signs of aging. When the body is being Genetucked,  the junk DNA is removed and broken down. Those bits are then rebuilt as close to the original DNA strain as possible and reintroduced to the subject. The revived strain then helps repair the damage. The trouble is the chance of mutation is increased greatly by this  procedure and, if not properly supervised, the patient might contract anything from cancer to an unhealthy mutation that radically alters the body chemical of the person and turns him into something inhuman.". The number of junk DNA in the body was suspect and a search along the waterways led eventually to the Bleeth Estate. After not receiving a  satisfactory answer from the supposedly real Ms. Bleeth, the order was given by a judge from the Balkans Judicial District of  the European Court to raid the mansion. 

The presence of Num on the Bleeth Estate as well as the corpses of her family and victims was almost as shocking as the discovery of the Genetucking equipment. While Ms. Bleeth was arrested for cocaine possession in September 11, 2001 and had gone for treatment after a plea bargain agreement, it was not known if her cocaine addiction had relapsed and if she had underwent Numex therapy. Records of those who had received such treatment were erased in  the Pulse and those remaining hard copy files were sealed by a prior court order during the recall of 2008. While the effects of Num are well known, some of the  extremes have been puzzling. Among some of them were the ability of total recall, heighten sensory input, alleged ESP and precognition, and even some accelerated thought patterns which had given rise to increased IQ and understanding. These 'benefits' were unfortunately temporary and the subjects who had experienced them often fell into depression and eventual murderous rage. A preliminary autopsy of some of the corpses indicted blunt force trauma and strangulation. Though the times of the deaths have yet to be determined, it's suggested Ms. Bleeth's family had died shortly after her interview dealing with the Genetucking controversy.

At press time, the condition of Ms. Bleeth was not disclosed, though it is rumored she is still alive and under observation by G.S.E. personnel. The women who were not subjected to the Genetucking equipment were later released and returned to their families. About fifteen members of Ms. Bleeth household have been detained for questioning and possible charges could be filed against them. Ms. Bleeth's bank accounts have been frozen pending a class action civil suit submitted by an undisclosed number of plaintiffs. The mansion is under quarantine and the Genetucking equipment has been seized as evidence and sent to a secure facility. So far, the G.S.E. have not suggested filing additional charges under the Ho Chi Minh Accords until the creators of the Genetucking equipment have been discovered. The European Police have put out an APB for the immediate Balkan District and has alerted the UN Middle East Trusteeship Military Command to search the civilized zones for any suspicious arrivals. It is not known if any further arrests are forthcoming.

**_SO WHAT WAS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?_**

**_By Daf9_**

Last night marked the debut of The New Beatles; cloned versions of the original Fab Four whose release on the music world had only been awaiting the death of  Paul McCartney, the last surviving member of the famous 60s rock and roll group. This much anticipated concert may put to rest once and for all the old "nature versus nurture" debate. The music was banal and the chemistry between audience and band non-existent.  After a short and remarkably quiet set of only about 20 minutes the audience started to leave, followed shortly thereafter by the band. Some things neither genetics nor technology will ever be able to duplicate.

**_MOVIE REVIEWS_**

**_By WeirdArchive_**

On Cineplex, Canada:

**LEATHER CHICKS (GONNA SAVE YOU AZZ!), 2005, starring Katherine Heigl, Shiri Appleby, Majandra Delfino, Emilie de Ravin, and Julie Benz. Written and directed by Kevin Smith, James Kistefer, and Rob Zombie. Rated R. On the surface, the film looks like one of those cheesier parodies of clichéd genre movies that drove most critics and filmgoers crazy. But, on a closer examination, it's actually a well written, even handed ode to the great exploitation pictures shown in drive-ins during the 50s to the 70s. Zombie met Kistefer in Sundance after the multiple wins of his debut documentary THE NEED FOR SPEED. (In fact, it was Zombie's deciding vote that got him the audience prize.) They immediately clicked and discovered they shared a love of exploitation cinema where the hot chicks rode motorcycles and kicked tail, the law flirted with evil, older women carried shotguns and took no BS, and outlaws were the only good guys in a hopeless land. Together, they started on a script dealing with a group of biker chicks (Heigl, Delfino, de Ravin, Benz) that must recruit the youngest and most goodhearted sisters of the lead biker  (Appleby) to stop the sheriff and mayor from unleashing a demonic evil threatening  the town. Smith came aboard when Zombie briefly took ill and liked what he saw so much, he stayed around after Zombie recovered. The three agreed the film should run smoothly, but their individual styles must be preserved. That's why there's an even mix of pop culture references (Smith), intense car chases and action (Kistefer), and a lot of undead creeps and exploitation moments (Zombie) to keep everyone happy. The screen is filled with many of the drive-in and indie cult actors and directors in cameos, from Karen Black to Roger Corman to Piper Laurie to even an uncredited appearance by Dario and Asia Argento and Jack Nicholson. While the plot is simple and easy to figure out, the fun is seeing the actors and directors pulling no punches and pushing the limits in giving the audience what they want: an edge of your seat thrill ride! This picture won 4 Popcorns at the MTV Movie Awards and the entire cast and crew received special recognition trophy for their work on the film. This one is the best of the parodies and the best homage to a long overlooked genre. Contains violence, nudity, sexual content, paranormal matters, dangerous stunts, drugs, gore, and language. Parents Strongly Cautioned**

**GRACE, 2004, Starring Stockard Channing, Majandra Delfino, and Gillian Anderson. Directed by Gillian Anderson. Rated R. While most would agree Anderson's sexuality was a private matter (She came out of the closet late in life after THE X-FILES finished production and she started her directing career), most would also agree having her use her position as actor/director to advance her views of women's sexuality was a precarious affair at best. Channing plays Grace, a middle aged woman and retired teacher left alone in the world after her husband leaves her for another woman and all her children had gone to college. Suddenly, a liberal arts student name Amanda (Delfino) shows up and asks for some tutoring since her grades are falling and she's in danger of losing her scholarship. Desperate for the company, Grace accepts and the two women soon become fast friends and then...things get a little complicated as Grace is torn between her budding love for a girl who could pass for her own daughter and the respect and relationship with her sister Peggy (Anderson) who is a born again Christian. Granted, the love scenes between Channing and Delfino are sensual, showing mature women can be sexy on screen, and May/December lesbian affairs are nothing to be ashamed about, but you just have the feeling you're being preached to rather than being shown a woman determined to make a momentous decision in her life that could have consequences both bad and good. It's more melodrama suited for LIFETIME Television than the big screen. If you like movies where the heroine finds love in the most unexpected and delightful place and can stomach some unneeded rants about sexual  bigotry, this might be your film. Contains nudity, strong sexual content, and derogatory language involving gays. Parents Strongly Cautioned. **

**_LETTERS TO THE EDITOR_**

Dear Editor,

Please please PLEASE inform your readers that DAF9 is NOT related to the Mister 9 mentioned in the last edition of your paper. My cardboard condo has been broken into at LEAST six times since that edition came out by peeps looking for bullets. I got pullets but no bullets. No bullets, no blow gun darts, no spitballs, no arrows, no thermonuclear weapons, no biological weapons...well except for the .... no biological weapons, no ammo of ANY kind.

So knock it off okay?? You're disturbing my sparrows. They'll never grow turkey sized by Christmas at this rate.

Sincerely,

DAF9

Dear Editer,

I saw Mr. Weirdarchives story about the man talking to the dog and what happened to him. My brother Joey talks to his goldfish ALL THE TIME. Shood I be worried?

yer friend

Katie

Dear Editor,

On the basis of your ad in the Thanksgiving edition, I purchased one of those genetically enhanced sparrows advertised by DAF9. It's December 14 already and that sucker is still no bigger than a robin, in spite of consuming AT LEAST two pounds of bird seed EACH AND EVERY DAY. I want my money back!!!!!

Hates avians

******************************************************************************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS/PERSONALS******

FOR SALE: 5 lb. ball of belly button lint. $1.00 per pound. Call 35897410265482 for more information.    

Wanted: One post-pulse Lurker action figure complete with turkey bomber and turkeys in good condition. Will trade for some good pre-pulse satin and silk lingerie. Call at 1-800-mix-a-lot.   

Old lady with saggy boobs wanting old man with saggy [deleted]. 555-555-555.  

One hand model looking for relationship with another hand model. Must have great looking hands, no dirty fingernails.   __

For sale or trade:  3 bottles of Silly String.  Blue, electric green, and yellow.

Seizure aerobic instructors wanted.  Do the Seizure! It's the latest fitness craze to sweep Seattle. Experience preferred but not required. Lead the beginners, advanced, seniors or the handicapped classes Apply to the wheelchair accessible Meester Pres seizure studios or by email at this_is_offensive@canyoutakeajoke.com       


	18. Valentine's Edition

**STREETS OF SEATTLE**

**EDITION 44, 2020**

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010._

**Editor-in-Chief:   Jennem1**

**Senior Editor:   Daf9**

**Opinionated Formatting Editor:   Shnapzie**

**Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess:  Logans_Babe**

Editor Emeritus:   Samcrazy

Chief Reporter:   WeirdArchive

Conspiracy Girl: 2ndmouseVV 

Contributing reporter:  Syl67

Contributing reporter:  Angushardie

Contributing Reporter:   Sportzgirl16

Contributing Reporter:   Sebastian310

**Contributing Reporter:   Melasand**

**Contributing Reporter:   Willow771**

**Contributing Reporter:   Legend10013**

**Contributing Reporter:   X5422**

Contributing Reporter:   Olgerth

**Contributing Reporter:   Spike1311**

**Contributing Reporter:   Dammachine**

**Contributing Reporter:   Barcodebabe**

**Contributing Reporter:   Dark999moon**

**Contributing Reporter:   Waite_O**

**************************************************__**

**LOCAL  NEWS**

**_COLD SNAP HITS SEATTLE_**

**_By Angushardie_**

Yes the weather is getting colder. On Tuesday last week the average temperature across 12 weather stations located throughout the Seattle Military district measured a record low of -15 degrees Fahrenheit. And that, as our faithful readers will now from bitter experience, is cold. Temperatures haven't dropped this low since 2005 when an arctic front came in from northern Canada and an area of low pressure developed at the same time. Then nearly 5 feet of snow fell across the area. As of Wednesday last week the count was at four and a half feet as more continued to fall. 

What brings this extreme cold front people across Seattle are asking. Is it global cooling or is it simply that weather patterns are changing. Perhaps all of our better weather has moved elsewhere or maybe the despair of the populous is having an effect on the temperature? Well not according to amateur meteorologist Janet Hollis:

"Yes the temperatures have been dropping but this is more a long term cyclic event. As we can see from older records which still survive, and the abandonment of paper records for so called reliable computer based records is a scandal let me tell you, the weather patterns in this area suggest that this area suffers from periodic cold spells. There's nothing much that changes year on year if you look at the cycles"

So how have people been affected by the sudden drop in temperature? Demand for blankets has risen sharply. At Bob's Blanket Boutique sales have been brisk. Bob himself said "Sales have been amazing. We've been selling more of the low end product sure, but the more upmarket supa-dupa-warm range have been selling fast too. Personally I just love these cold spells. People either buy my blankets or they freeze, plus I make a good profit on each sale. I always make sure to raise my prices when I see a forecast like this coming."

As to whether his actions could be considered unethical... "Nah. This is a business. I know we blanket suppliers operate a cartel but even so, people could buy scarves or gloves or maybe coats instead couldn't they?"

But perhaps it was Cindy Bristow of the 25th street shelter that summed up the position for the average person at this time of year. "You have to keep warm. We do what we can with the money that we can get. But even so the weather is tough for anyone out on the street at this time of year. We recommend that people should get inside if at all possible. Take warm drinks and food and try to remain active. If all else fails we are on the corner of 25th street and James, just short of the St James church. Come along and we'll do our best to keep you alive. " 

Where ever you are at this time of year take care and think of those less fortunate than yourself. We can only hope that March brings warmer weather.

 --

 Angus.Hardie@malcolmhardie.com

**_MARKET WATCH_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

The latest cold trend hit Seattle by surprise, making livestock owners scared. The temperatures have dropped so low that any livestock they have is dieing off at an alarming rate. With more animals not coming into Seattle until next month, livestock owners say they don't know what to do. Meteorologists say they only expect it to get worse.

"All my chickens have died and we aren't expecting more until next month! How am I supposed to run a business? With no more chickens, I could be out of business within a week. I think the mayor needs to allow the livestock companies to sell their animals more than once a month. That way we will have plenty of animals. He shouldn't complain. He would be making a lot of people happy." Says Bob Fita, owner of Bob' Chickens. Many other business and animal owners have made the same complaint, but whether the mayor will has made, or will make the decision is still left unknown. 

**_MELTING CHOCOLATE BAR DESTROYS POLICE PRECINCT DATABASE_**

**_By DAF9_**

Law enforcement in Sector Four suffered a serious setback today when the precinct criminal database was completely destroyed. The names, faces and identifying features of the hundreds of individuals arrested in Sector 4 in the last 24 hours have vanished into cyberspace. Fortunately the database is backed up daily so it could have been worse. 

When asked how this happened, a police spokesperson, Lieutenant Matt Sung told SOS that an internal investigation was underway but that it appeared to be the result of a chocolate bar left on the top of the main precinct computer. As the computer heated up during the day the chocolate apparently melted, shorting out the hard drive and leaving only its bright red wrapper behind. Breathalyzer and fingerprint analysis of everyone on duty at the station during the critical time period identified several officers who had been drinking coffee and/or doing drugs but failed to identify a cocoa-consuming culprit, suggesting the chocolate may have been left by a visitor either in error or in a deliberate act of sabotage. The sabotage theory gained credence when it was noted that the bright red wrapper belonged to a100 Grand bar; an extremely hard to come by brand.

Curiously, no one reported seeing any visitors who might have left the chocolate, even though the computer in question was under constant surveillance. A single brown fingerprint was found on the back of a nearby desk chair but it was too smeared to be useful for identification purposes. While police continue to investigate this puzzling who-dun-it, Bill Gates has been brought in for questioning. Sources close to the Mayor say the government is considering charging Mr. Gates on the grounds that the safety features on all PCs should include the ability to withstand melting confectioneries. ITT expert Mr. Steve Jobs says this is just one more example of why all government agencies should switch from PCs to Macs.

**_SOURCE OF ODOR REVEALS TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

Last week the Sector Police got an anonymous call alerting them to a strange odor permeating the streets of sector three. Upon their delayed arrival (apparently Krispy Kreme's was having a promotion sale) they spent four hours scouring the area, trying to find the source of the smell.

They finally traced the smell to a small cardboard and scrap wood shack at the back of a semi-hidden alley. It came from the trash bin fire of the young man, Elwin Davwood, who was living there. Davwood was later found to be mentally  handicapped by the state psychologists who examined him.

Police quickly smothered the fire, which was producing a "nauseating, rotten stench." The charred material left in the trash bin was sealed into evidence bags and transferred to the city's forensics department for analysis.

Davwood, who up until that point had sat unobtrusively in the corner, grabbed a loose board and attacked one of the Sector Police with it. Officer Melvin Broadbent sustained a large contusion before Davwood was wrestled to the ground and handcuffed. He is currently being held in police custody.

On the day following this incident, the results of the analysis came back, which turned out to be human flesh. More specifically, the DNA test revealed it to be the remains of Davwood's brother. As far as the experts can determine, the brother died of hypothermia during the unusual cold snap we recently had. Davwood apparently used his brother's frozen body as fuel in order to keep himself from freezing.

Davwood's arraignment will be next week, charging him with corpse desecration. His court appointed lawyer will be pleading not guilty by way of mental incompetence, sources say.

One way or another, there won't be an end to this for a long while. Already, homeless advocacy groups are mobilizing and the issue is being rammed to the top of our congresspeople's policy agenda.

**_GANGSTER GERHARDT BRONCK GOES TO JAIL_**

**_By Sebastian310_**

At last, after months of thumbing his noses at authority, the infamous gangster Gerhardt Bronck has been brought to justice. Today, the vile crime was sentenced to an 18 year-spell in Langford prison for shipping young girls out of the country for the Latin American sex slave trade. Citizens gave a collective cheer at the news, and a collective sigh of relief that it was all over.

It all began in April this year when Mr. Bronck was picked up at Warton Airfield, an abandoned airport 10 minutes out of town. The police had gone out to the airport after receiving a tip-off that Gerhardt Bronck was at the airport, along with all the incriminating evidence needed to put him away for a good long time.  The tipper-offer also stated that Mister Bronck and his associates would need urgent medical assistance.

The airport was in a strange state when the cops arrived. Mr. Bronck was found lying in  an unconscious bloody heap on the runway. He had suffered heavy internal bleeding,  broken arms and legs, massive concussion, multiple rib fractures, a punctured lung and spinal damage. He had apparently been thrown out of a moving cargo plane, which now stood still down the runway, its pilot unconscious. In the hold, 19 girls, aged 6 to 15, were found looked up, destined for a life of brothel work from Panama City to Buenos Aires. Two men were also found shot dead on the runway. They were identified by the police as Robert Egton and Marty Oldtimer, both of whom worked for the sector police.

In the hangar, three of Bronck's heavies were found, all unconscious. Also found was Police Detective Matthew Sung, also out cold. The gangsters had apparently been torturing him with a makeshift electric chair.

Bronck was rushed off to hospital, where he was immediately put into intensive care. Even so, doctors held minimal hope for his survival, but after three months of touch and go, doctors pronounced him fit to stand trial. At last, just when it seemed Bronck was going to answer for his crimes, a band of thugs forced their way into the hospital, shooting the cops guarding him and taking him out to an unmarked van. The gangsters then fled the city before the police could pin them down.

Mr. Bronck then fled to Canada, and lived with his parents in their lavish Vancouver mansion. American authorities tried repeatedly to extradite Mr. Bronck, but every time his lawyers managed to halt the process, claiming Mr. Bronck's medical condition had seriously worsened and he was within an inch of his life, which made him unfit to stand trial.

Angry at being humiliated repeatedly by Mr. Bronck, President Barrows authorized CIA agents to keep a round-the clock watch on Bronck, observing his activities and judging whether or not he was fit to stand trial. The agents covertly observed, with the use of lots of spy gizmos, Bronck doing aerobics, walking with his parents along the waterfront, and doing laps of a 25-meter pool. This evidence was presented to the Canadian government, and Mr. Bronck was duly extradited back to Seattle.

At court, the true vileness of Mr. Bronck's deeds came out. Detective Sung and some of the older girls all testified against Bronck, but the most damning testimony came from one of Bronck's own henchmen, Darcy Dnaris. Dnaris related how the two sector cops had kidnapped girls out about town and taken them to the airport, where they were held until they were ready to be shipped via cargo plane down to a base in Latin America. Dnaris also said about how Bronck had stolen and smuggled medical supplies from Metro Medical, and accused the Seattle PD of living in Bronck's pocket. The defense couldn't stand up against such an overwhelming onslaught of evidence, and Mr. Bronck was sent down for an 18-year spell.

Citizens everywhere cheered at another victory of justice over corruption. Like many other recent convictions of white-collar criminals, this one seems to have been brought about by the mysterious cyberhacker Eyes Only. Some people have said that Eyes Only is really paid by crime lords to eliminate competition, but we at the streets all say this is a load of twaddle. As long as people like Eyes Only fight against the power, we say hope is NOT lost.

**_TRAILERJACKING GANG CAUGHT SELLING BLACK MARKET MEAT OFF HIGHWAY_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

A major trailerjacking ring was busted up Friday by the Sector Police on a tip of a massive Black Market beef sale off of Highway 90. Sector Police Troopers from the King and Pierce County Quadrants made their assault at a gathering of big rig trucks and assorted vehicles some 10 miles Northwest of North Bend. While the arrests were largely uneventful, there were some high speed chases from the site that had involved gunfire from both sides. So far, casualties have been mostly light with five trailerjackers killed and two Sector Troopers injured in a freak misfire. About fifty individuals have been arrested on various charges from grand theft to violations of the health codes to attempting to commit Maxi-Tax fraud.

A total of 300 tons of beef, 250 tons of chicken, 100 tons of lamb and pork, 20 tons of various vegetables, and 20 cases of assorted Ready To Eat Meals were confiscated by Sector Police and Federal Authorities and were sent off to undisclosed holding facilities nearby. While the details on how so much produce was stolen by so few are sketchy, one reliable source has suggested the trailerjacker gang simply stole rigs with the latest electronic transport passes, drove them to various market distribution centers, and just loaded up before anyone noticed. An investigation on how to tighten security at these centers is underway.

Also seized were five illegally customized Landmaster Armored Civilian Transports, armed with ground to air missiles, radar jamming equipment, and rear nerve gas sprayers. These vehicles were sent to the nearest Federal Impound Yard to determine who installed the weapons and to dismantle them for spare parts. There was not a final tally of stolen rigs or civilian transports made available by presstime, though estimates are somewhere between 25 to 40. Those vehicles not reclaimed by their proper owners will be either auctioned off by the National Auction Authority or converted into spare parts for Sector Police use. All inquiries should be made at your nearest Sector Police Station or Military Authority.

**_SEATTLE'S OWN SERIAL KILLER: MR. 9_**

**_SYL67_**

Seattle: In a new, disturbing trend, teen-agers are joining a fan club. This controversial fan club is devoted to documenting and researching 'Mr. 9' 's activities and victims. 'Mr. 9' is the well-known Seattle serial killer who is noted for leaving his victims dead from a single 9 mm gunshot wound. Witnesses usually describe him as "clean-cut", "fifty-something", and dressed in black.

"We want to understand who he is and what he does," said one young female fan who asked not to be identified. "He is very selective about his victims, and the more we learn, the more intriguing the puzzle becomes. I, for one, would really like to meet him and get his autograph." I asked if she joined the club for the intellectual challenge. "No," she told me. "I just think that serial killers are really sexy." Then this reporter asked her if she was under the care of a psychiatrist, and she walked away in a huff.

An inconspicuous young man named Brian showed me the club's collection of 'Mr. 9' sighting reports. A large map on the wall is liberally dotted with red and blue push pins, with penciled numbers cross-referenced to case files. "For example, here's a reported sighting outside Vogelsang's Laundromat. It was late at night, the lighting was bad, and the place was closed anyway. We think that it's a case of mistaken identity." He pulled out some more dusty file folders. "Here's another interesting one: someone thinks they saw him at an AA meeting. We're pretty sure that's fake too." Right about this point, the dust reached my nose, and my allergies started acting up.

After recovering from a sneezing fit, this reporter located the young man who runs the Mr. 9 fan club. Monty is a cheerful, enthusiastic, and good-looking.

"I thought that Seattle's teen-agers could use a little more focus in their lives," he told me. "For only $25, they get a membership card, a subscription to our newsletter, and the club pin." The club meets twice a month. 

The pin is made from used 9 mm brass, with a jewelry type pin-back soldered to it. This reporter was told that 'Joshua' creates the pins, but Monty declined to let me interview him.

I asked to see a copy of the news letter, and Monty declined, explaining that there were no new victims, and therefore no news for the news letter. "Well, it's a bit embarrassing, but we've lost track of Mr. 9. No new victims, and no sightings for almost two months now."

I bid farewell to the friendly, but terribly geeky members of the fan club, and went in search of contrary opinions on 'Mr. 9.'

Mrs. Fozwart, a high school social studies teacher has a less flattering view of the 'Mr. 9' fan club. "This is totally wrong," she told me. "Not only does it glorify violence, the sharp part of the club pin is in clear violation of our school weapons policy." She went on to say "I wish someone would start an 'Eyes Only fan club: I'll bet he's really cute in person."

To wrap up this piece, I went in search of the 'man in the street' opinion. I found an fair-haired elderly homeless man in the alley behind a well known mega-convenience store. (I chose this particular bum because he was reading the last issue of Streets of Seattle, and his wire-framed glasses made him look intellectual). When he finished laughing, he told me "Mr. 9 has far more intelligent and better trained people looking for him. Besides, those kids would be really sorry if they actually met Mr. 9. He's not the kind of person who likes nosy, undisciplined kids trying to pry into his business."

**_PHONE SEX LINES AND STRIP BARS GEAR UP FOR FEB. 14_**

**_By Dammachine_**

Yes, it's that time of year again!

So you think you're going to be alone this Valentines Day? AGAIN!! Well fellow Seattleites, you don't have to be. I'm here to tell you there is a choice. Offered at more than reasonable rates, our red light district in sector 14 has been gearing up for the increased traffic expected as the "day of love" approaches. "Our training sessions for the extra staff have been highly successful" says Rose Petal, Owner of On Your Dime Seattle's largest and finest phone sex establishment since 2010. "Although we expect many first time callers, 50% of our calls we receive  are repeat customers. That should tell you something" boasts Rose. If the ole land line tango doesn't do it for you then let it be known that the staff at Midtown Dementia is hosting an open house for two hours before the regular opening hours of 4pm. Proof of vaccination and recent, original health report documents are mandatory for this one day, special event. The owners Midtown Dementia inform me this is simply to make sure you are healthy enough to survive the show. So for all you luu sah hars who think you will be finding love, somewhere downtown on Valentines Day, Midtown Dementia is as good a place as any to start looking. There will be free shuttle bus service from each sector beginning shortly after dark. For more info surf onto the Seattle red light district web site at meloveyoulongtime.com

**_A VALENTINE TO SEATTLE: WHY SEATTLE IS THE COUNTRY'S FINEST CITY_**

**_By DAF9_**

1. Much of the corruption in our city has been eliminated or at least driven underground by our city's favorite son, cyberhacker "Eyes Only".

2. The rash of unexplained deaths in Chinatown that were striking fear into everyone's heart earlier this year seem to have fallen off of late.

3. Our cardboard condos and burning trash barrels are second to none. And our dumpsters…better diving than the coral reefs!

4. Fuel prices may be out of sight and coffee prohibitively expensive but we have the best darn bicycle messenger service (Jam Pony) in the entire North West!

5. Where else in the country can you walk or ride around on a bicycle while the city serenades you with hip-hop music?

6. The doctors at Metro Medical are imperturbable. Dr. Sam for example has been  known to remain unmoved in the face of deadly viruses, cyborgs and other improbabilities.

7. Streets of Seattle - Insulation or reading material; either way it's the best. Plus, OUR CEO can not only kick YOUR CEO's @ss but any other body part you care to mention.

8. Crash - it's not just the finest bar in OUR city it's the best ANYWHERE!

 9. No other place in the country has the great movies that we do. Okay so they're mostly shown across the border in Vancouver. We still get to read about them.

10. They're still everywhere else but here in Seattle hoverdrones have disappeared - just like a plague of Japanese beetles when the summer ends. Except of course for the toy ones the sector police have been giving out.

11. Although she's since departed for parts unknown, we recently had, however briefly, our very own resident mermaid/ lap dancer down by the docks.

12. More mutants per capita than anywhere outside of Gillette Wyoming.

13. Where else can you still find peppermint oil AND virgin olive oil?

14. In recent months we have become a Mecca for fine art collectors. Not only have a number of artworks of exceptional quality that had previously been held in one or more private collections come on the market but an exciting new painter known only as Joshua has also appeared on the art scene.

15. Most cities can only come up with 10 reasons why they're great. We have 14!

Yes, just like the mythical Lake Wobegon made famous by pre-Pulse writer Garrison Keillor, here in Seattle "all the women are strong, all the men are good looking and all of the children [no matter how poorly educated] are above average"

**_FIRE DEPARTMENT WARNING: ROMANTIC FLAMING DESSERTS ARE A TRAGEDY IN THE MAKING_**

**_By Willow771_**

Tragedy struck on Elm Street yesterday when Rodger, 32, lit his cardboard box on fire trying to impress his date with a romantic flambé dessert. Sally, 24, tells us that after pouring alcoholic beverage all over her pudding he then lit a match and the box went poof. She recalls realizing that she was feeling rain on her face and when she looked around the cardboard box was lying in ashes in the road.

The time was 9:45pm and water hoverdrones were alerted to his position to help put out the flames. Luckily the rain had put it out already. Neighbors came to Roger's assistance immediately and now he is living in the lap of luxury. his new residence can be found under a garbage bin on Shugah Avenue. Feel free to visit Roger and express your condolences for the loss of his prized cardboard box. But don't think he's cold, the methane gas coming from the Garbage can will keep him nice and toasty all year round.

**_SIMPLY SWEETNESS_**

**_By Logans_Babe_**

Simply Sweetness, the new chocolate factory now inhabiting 367 Smith Drive, opened its doors today. Customers and visitors were greeted with sample chocolates of all Simply Sweetness' experimental chocolates.

I, of course, was there on the spot to see just what kind of experimental chocolates these were.

Greeted by the sales woman, I told her I was an SOS reporter researching for an interesting story I was doing - not an entire lie... She promptly rushed me to the samples.

The table held 4 different categories of chocolates: pregnant women, children, men, and other. I tried them all and found them to be quite odd, if not all out weird.

The first category I went to was Other. It had a nice selection of three different chocolates. The first one I tried had Yak Slime in the middle. I quickly put this one down and turned to the next. This one had milk in the middle. Not a bad idea, but the milk had spoiled. Nice and chunky too. If kept cold it could have been good. The saleswoman urged me to try all the rest. I did so with some regret. The next one I tried had paper inside. Apparently someone shredded the top secret chocolate making recipes into tiny little bits and mixed them into the chocolate so they could never be found again. When the owner found out that there was paper mixed in with hundreds of pounds of chocolate he didn't want to waste it. He added new twists to it, hence the experimental chocolates. The sales woman said that the owner ate all the mixtures.

I moved to the next category in hopes it was better than the last. This category was the Pregnant Woman category. I asked the saleslady what they meant by that and she replied: "Because pregnant woman are oddballs. They like all sorts of different mixtures of things." Needless to say I was a little less than thrilled to try the new  chocolates. After taking a bite of the first few (and spitting them back out again) I asked the saleslady what happened to be in them. "Condiments, and foods such as pickles, popcorn, and cheese."

Thoroughly disgusted by the tastes the samples had left in my mouth, I moved to the Children's category. I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. The children's section was packed with all sorts of goodies. There was chocolate covered: gum, different candies, assorted mints, and best of all was the chocolate covered herbal gummies.

The sales lady had to tear me away to visit the last and final category: Men. It wasn't hard to guess what would be in the last section. Alcohol was the main ingredient in the men's category. And was it ever a big hit! There had to have been at least a dozen women surrounding that end of the table and half again as many men. I didn't stick around long enough to try the other samples in the men's category.

The selections the owner picked out and put in the middle of his chocolates were indeed odd, but however odd they were, they were drawing large crowds to the newly opened store. Just goes to show you, only the truly odd live in Seattle.

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**NATIONAL NEWS**

**_"CHRIST'S LAND IS NO MORE!", DECLARES SPECIAL OPS COMMANDER_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

Just months after the separatist movement known as the Holy Aryan Empire of North America was defeated at their Idaho compound, another extremist group vying to create their own nation from the chaos of the Pulse was dealt a fatal blow by Special Forces Operations in their fortress in the ruined city of Macon, Georgia. The group known as the Divine Army of God In Christ had waged a lengthy guerilla battle against Federal forces for almost ten years in a vain attempt to establish their theocratic 'republic' Christ's Land, which would've encompassed most of the United States east of the Appalachian Mountains from the boundary of the Cuban occupied Florida north of Orlando to the Virginia/DC border and as far west as Mobile, Alabama. The actual territory held by the Christian extremist sect was mostly within Southern Central region consisting of Georgia, the Carolinas, a strip of southern Virginia which included the port city of Newport News and Williamsburg, and a single 'repentance colony' outpost in the small town of Pocahontas, Arkansas. Federal forces recaptured most of these land possessions within three years of the declaration of Christ's Land, leaving only the backwoods of Georgia and the Carolina region to the rebels and their sympathizers. In time, even this territory was reclaimed both by Federal forces and outraged civilians kept prisoner under the religious dictatorship of Simon Wilde, a former high ranking member of the late Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network and former director of the conservative watchdog Conscience of the Nation. His beliefs, as well as those of his cohorts, were of an apocalyptic nature and dealt with the extremist view of the Bible being the only permitted law to exist and for all dissents to be dealt with according to Biblical dogma which included stoning, exile, burning at the stake, and beheading. Once the chaos of the Dark Months had weakened the civil authority, he and his group attempted a violent takeover in 2011 and proclaimed all the areas under their control "Christ's Land" and that the new nation would be the first truly Christian country. Almost immediately after his announcement, people begin to rebel against him and aided Federal troops in overthrowing him. Only the crisis with the Republic of Alaska and the Divine Army's tactics of hit and run prevented a swift victory at the time.

The fall of Christ's Land was highly anticipated for months. Just last week, Mr. Wilde was taken prisoner by liberation forces in Augusta and executed by a civilian firing squad after a speedy trial for 'crimes against humanity and the United States of America'. His successor William Stonewall Kent was having problems establishing his rule due to a power struggle with his military commander 'General' Arnold Benedict III who had tried to lead a ground assault against him at an undisclosed location. Kent had Benedict put to death and those Divine Army of God troops loyal to the general quickly defected to Federal forces. He then moved his remaining troops into Macon for a final stand. Soon after, Special Forces from the newly liberated Georgian capital Atlanta sent ten platoons of the 5th Air Cavalry and ten armed divisions of the Georgian National Guard. Elements of the 191th Corp from Alabama and the 90th Tank Group stationed in Savannah to secure US Highway 16 and Georgia's seaports from any fleeing Divine Army deserters made a forced march to cut all southern roadway and river escape routes. Bombardment of Macon began at dawn with a squadron of Harrier Jump Jets firing on all anti-aircraft placements and destroying key links to US Highway 75 and State Highways 49 and 129. The remaining outdated Cobra Attack Helicopters owned by the Divine Army were destroyed on the improvised field and the 90th Tank Group then secured key positions in the suburbs, drawing light fire from Divine Army snipers. Within five hours, the city of Macon was overrun and remaining Divine Army troops surrendered.

Special Operations Commander Harold "Dirty Harry" Fletcher then led a select group of National Guard troops from Georgia, the Carolinas, and Virginia on a raid of Kent's compound. There, they found him, his remaining cabinet officers, and their families dead from ritual suicide poisoning. Kent left a videotape statement, denouncing 'the heathen Muslims, Jews, homosexuals, women liberators, and atheist Federal overlords' for causing Christ's Land fall and declared General Benedict III to be 'a pawn of the Beast, whose soul will be sodomized by the Archangel Gabriel.'. Most of the guards protecting Kent had already fled and the remaining staffers had graciously accepted Commander Fletcher's offer of amnesty in exchange for surrendering Kent dead or alive. After examining the compound, Commander Fletcher order the removal of the corpses and had the area secured as a temporary headquarters until more suitable accommodation were found. Using a satellite feed, he proclaimed on live television that "The tyrants who took Our Savior's Name in vain for the desire of power are now dead. God is now judging them and He will punish them for their transgression against the innocent and the weak. This land is finally restored to the people of this great land.". He then ordered a Seven O'clock curfew on most of Macon to be enforced by occupation forces and all surviving members of the Christ's Land ruling body be put under house arrests for trial later on. It's estimated that only 100 high ranking officials of the breakaway nation are still alive, the rest being killed by Federal forces, civilian freedom fighters, or by their own hand. The remaining 'repentance camps', which some considered worse than the Nazi and Khmer Rouge concentration camps, were liberated. Overjoyed prisoners, near starving and weak from disease, embraced the National Guard units with tears and kisses before being quarantined by medical personnel. Though the exact figures are not known for the moment, it's believed that some 500,000 to 750,000 civilians were put to death for 'heresy and crimes against Christ' which included the teaching of evolution and secular beliefs, believing in Judaism and Islam, and performing abortions. Commander Fletcher has asked for some forensics teams from the FBI and Army Intelligence to help locate and identify any mass graves within the former Christ's Land territory. All relatives who believed their loved ones have been victims should contact their respective Military Commission for details.

It is not known if any diehards of the Divine Army will continue their campaign to 'liberate' their country through terrorism. For the moment, the affected regions are under a Level Four Alert Status and more troops are being airlifted to better secure Federal control. Eager civilians, grateful for being freed from nearly ten years of fundamentalist brutality, have joined the occupation forces as a sort of citizen's militia to help maintain order and take up the slack while Federal Marshals continue searching for any fugitive sympathizers of Kent's regime.

**_PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION TIME COMING UP FAST_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

Take a deep breath; what's that you smell? No, not burning garbage—election time! Our new year 2020, as most of you probably don't know, heralds the presidential election. This year's primary campaigns will begin earlier than ever, keeping with the current trend. Candidates will begin their rounds of the nation this coming month.

First and foremost, candidates are expected to address is the economic depression. Other concerns are, at the present, the abomination known as the Republic of Alaska, the question of whether martial law is still necessary, corruption and scandals in the bureaucracy, and various medical issues.

Contact your local party leaders to determine when and where your caucuses are being held, or contact us at the Streets of Seattle.

**_GOVERNOR OF ALASKA ABOUT TO BE EMBARRASSED BY SCANDAL OF GASTRONOMICAL PROPORTIONS_**

**By DAF9**

As reported in the latest edition of SOS, the Governor of Alaska's annual Christmas bash featured among other things, a cornucopia of edible delights provided by the Winter Sun Hydroponics Commune. Among the items served, this sharp-eyed reporter couldn't help but notice the Kobe beef. Now Kobe beef has long been considered some of the finest beef in the world; obtained as it is from specially bred cattle that are massaged with saki and fed copious quantities of beer prior to being slaughtered. But what is Kobe beef doing on a hydroponics farm? And how did the Winter Sun Hydroponics Commune arise from seemingly nowhere to become such a large Agri-business in such a short time? An extensive in-depth investigation finally revealed the sordid truth.

As most of our readers are probably aware, hydroponics is a method of growing vegetables without soil. Bathing the plant roots in an organically enriched broth that in pre-Pulse days was created in the chemistry lab provides nutrients. After the Pulse that became too expensive (all the agricultural chemists having taking up more lucrative careers in recreational pharmacology) and the American hydroponics industry almost died out until one enterprising young farmer discovered that cattle excrement contains many of the same ingredients found in the best commercial organic broths. Further experimentation revealed that the cattle used to make Kobe beef have it all. Is it the beer? Or the sake? Or maybe even the massages? Nobody knows, but being practical entrepreneurs the founders of the Winter Sun Commune purchased most of the remaining Kobe beef cattle to fuel their hydroponics operations. Of course everyone knew they had the cows and they were hardly going to admit to growing their grossly overpriced vegetables in cow poo so what could they do? In an advertising move so brilliantly simple that no one recognized its devious cleverness, the spokespeople for Winter Sun "claimed" to be have added genuine Kobe beef to their product list as a means of expanding their marketing appeal to those old fashioned consumers (like this reporter) who haven't yet bought into the whole vegetarian thing. But they couldn't REALLY use the cows to produce beef because that would leave them without a nutrient source for their vegetable-growing operation.

Fortunately, using a "clone-a-carrot" kit obtained by his kid from a local county fair, a genetically engineered virus that was capable of infecting both cattle and plants, and an unusually large specimen of the species Brassica napus (rutabaga), an anonymous member of the Winter Sun Hydroponics Commune came up with a perfect Kobe beef substitute. Judicious application of a little marinade prior to cooking and it looks and smells just like the real thing…especially to people who have never eaten the real thing before.

If the advertising ploy was so clever how did the story finally get out? Well, after years of festering resentment at the loss of his "clone-a-carrot" kit, the kid finally wrote a letter of complaint to President Barrows who wasted no time in passing it on to this reporter's third cousin in lieu of a Christmas bonus. My greedy cuz probably would have charged me for the letter but luckily for me the kid left the back of the page blank and my cuz, the cheap so-and-so, accidentally used it to create the handmade Valentine's Day card he sends every year. Now the only question is… Will Governor Hodges' approval rating suffer now that Alaskan citizens know their taxes are being used to pay $2000 a pound for a turnip?

reprinted from The Alleys of Anchorage.

_Ed. Note : Okay so it's not really a sordid story. Would you have read beyond the first paragraph if we had described it otherwise?_

**_INDIA PASSES ON RECOGNIZATION OF ALASKA BY THINNEST MARGIN, HODGES VOWS TO PRESS ON_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

The rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska suffered a setback in its ongoing quest for greater worldwide diplomatic and economic acceptance when the Indian Parliament voted not to recognize the Republic for the time being on Tuesday. According to some experts, the voting was the closest in its entire democratic history. Official tallies will not be known until next week and rumors are rampant on a possible recount and an appeal to the country's judicial branch. Massive demonstrations both for and against recognization of the Republic have been waging in New Delhi, Bombay, Bangalore, Madras, and even the Kashmir Co-Operation Sphere since Wednesday with no end in sight and with military police on full alert.

According to unofficial reports, the ruling Congress Party had been pressing to give official recognization to the Republic since 2016 when India had signed a limited import agreement of hydroponic vegetables for the starving Afghan and Pakistani refugee camps established after the fallout of Israel's Operation Jericho's Wraith within the Kashmir region. Past attempts had failed in committee, but with its coalition agreement with moderate Muslim parties at the recent elections last year, the Congress Party had thought it has enough votes to successfully pass a resolution giving the Republic full diplomatic recognization. However, the opposition Bharatiya Janata party (the major Hindu political force since the 1990s) had rallied with minor nationalist and upper caste parties to block all voting on the resolution and launched a three week debate over whether India should even consider the subject since it's an ally of the United States. While all media coverage was banned from the Parliament for the duration of the debate, some newsmen reported of shouting and fist fights between the two factions and in one case, the Prime Minister's security forces were called in to restore order. 

After adjourning Parliament for a day to give the exhausted members time to rest, the Prime Minister called for a vote on the matter. Despite the Congress Party's in-house dealing with some of the undecided parties, it could not gain the two-third majority needed to give the Republic full recognization. Immediately after the vote, some in the Congress Party called for a general strike while those in the Bharatiya Janata party suggested maintaining calm. Riots have erupted in some of the major cities, with massive looting and attacks on Hindu and Muslim religious sites. So far, all casualty lists have been kept from public view, though the unofficial total is estimated at 10,000 or more. The Indian Parliament is at special session, considering to either impose martial law on the troubled areas or to hold new elections within three months. There has been no decision as of press time.

President 'Governor' William Hodges expressed his regret over the recent events. "While we are appealing to all nations including the US to recognize the sovereignty of our Republic," he said at a press conference. "we don't wish to gain it by blood and discord. We had already killed too many in the name of democracy and freedom. I do not wish the great nation of India, founded by the great and revered Mohandas Gandhi, to fall into civil war because of us. Better we wait for them to give us recognization later than to see them go up in flames." Hodges has suggested sending in his own team of diplomats under the United Nations banner to help defuse the tension to all factions. So far, only four minor parties have accepted.

The UN General Assembly, at their temporary headquarters in Toronto, are presently considering sending in peacekeeping troops to maintain order and to keep the Kashmir Co-Operation Sphere from further deteriorating into violence. There has been no official word from President Barrows, save for a telegram to the Indian Prime Minister giving his condolences for the many dead. Owing to the present situation with the Republic of Alaska and other internal disputes, the Emergency Congress has not suggested sending in troops to the area to protect American interests.

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BIG JERRY'S WINDMILLS 3 DAY CLEARANCE SALE!

Big Jerry is blowing away the competition by clearing out the old stock to bring in the new personal windmills from California, the Free Mexican States, Europe, and Japan at cutthroat prices! Choose from a selection of styles from the standard Pinwheel to the Tri-Wheel to the popular Spiral in all the favorite colors and designs. Have the base poles custom-made by our professional craftsmen or select a pre-made 5, 10, 20, or 30 foot stand for your personal needs. Windmills are a safe, clean, and cheap alternative energy source when you're tired of dealing with those pesky brown and blackouts and the high bills charged by those corporate vampires. We provide not only the best and fashionable windmills around, but also all your accessory needs from anchor spikes and lines to replacement blades to the latest in windmill security systems to protect your investment. We also have the finest selection of all weather storage batteries and conversion generators for all your energy requirements. Easy down payments are available and we do limited bartering for pre-approved clients, subject to Sector Police background and credit checks*.

Why light a candle to curse the darkness when you can have your own private windmill to light up your home, apartment collective, or commune? Go to our stores at Sector 3 in the old K-Mart building, Sector 7 across from Checkpoint 69, and our newest branch at Sector 9 between Ming's Take-Out and US Re-Cy where you can get a 10% discount on your next windmill by dropping off your old blades at the facility. We can also do property assessments and pricing at your home for a small fee which is deducted from your total purchase should you buy from us.* Check us out and feel the breeze.

*Allow two months for processing. Limited delivery and assessment area within Seattle city limits and patrols. Call 1-866-BREEZE1 for details. Salesmen do not carry any cash or valuables on assessments. Armed escorts on each delivery.)

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**INTERNATIONAL NEWS******

**_CANADA SUFFERS AN UNEXPECTED POPULATION EXPLOSION_**

**_By DAF9_**

Canada suffers an unexpected population explosion. After centuries of being one of the least densely populated countries in the world the latest census has left government officials baffled. Although the birth rate remains steady at about 0.9 children per adult and official immigration and emigration figures are pretty equally balanced; somehow the population of Canada has increased over 10 times since the Pulse. British Columbia is now more densely populated than Hong Kong!

We here in Seattle have been aware for some time that being illegally smuggled into Canada was every red-blooded American girl's and boy's dream…but who knew so many of them were realizing it.

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Playing now: In the former ballpark in Sector 1.

A community production of "Mary Poppins"

Starring

Biff the genetically enhanced houseboy as Bert

And

Bertha the 300-pound lunchlady as Mary Poppins

Featuring

Bennett Cale and Asha

As Mr. & Mrs. Banks

Produced by

Bitsy Cale

Sponsored by

Biff and Bertha's Luncheonette

(which also runs the concession stand)

****************************************************

**HEALTH******

**_THE SECRET BEHIND TOFU-EE_**

**_By DAF9_**

It's that time of year folks when our thoughts turn from calories and clogged arteries to candies and chocolates. Imagine my horror therefore passing the local confectionery shop to discover "Tofu-ee (toffee-flavored tofu) hearts"!

There was a time, a long, long time ago, when Americans weren't so worried about cholesterol and HDL and LDL and "health food". A time when Americans looked at their teeth and said: "These are the teeth of omnivores, which means we evolved to eat EVERYTHING". Yes my children, a time BEFORE tofu. Also known as bean curd - that strange, repulsively textured, mostly tasteless food-like substance that marketing gurus have spent dozens of decades and dollars convincing us is good for us. To those of you who weren't aware of the fact, tofu stands for Totally Offensive Foodstuff Unfit (for Human Consumption). As they say, "Tofu won't make you live longer, it will just seem that way".

This little health message brought to you by DAF9 who has known since childhood that chocolate and cookies are the only food groups worth worrying about.

**_EBOLA VIRUS OUTBREAK IN AFRICA_**

**_By Shnapzie_**

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO) have reported a deadly outbreak of Ebola virus in Sudan, Africa. This is the first case of the deadly disease since the small flare up in the early months of 2002.

Ebola basically turns the victim's insides into a liquid; thus painfully, albeit quickly, killing him. The mortality rate is 90%, making it the deadliest virus known to man. (Of course, that's not counting the load of nasties cooked up by the Pentagon that the general public is supposed to have no knowledge of.) At the time of this article's publishing, over 300 individuals were infected with 248 dead.

CDC spokesman Oliver Dietrich yesterday scheduled a televised press conference to  address concerns. "Unfortunately, a breakdown in communication prevented our officials from receiving word of the crisis earlier. If we were able to reach Sudan at the beginning of the outbreak, or even a week earlier than we did, we are confident that the number of deaths would have been substantially lower. As it is, the odds are in our favor that we will have the virus contained shortly. Fortunately, though the virus is of the Zaire variety [the deadlier of the known strains] it isn't airborne. If this baby mutates so that you're infected if a victim sneezes on you, heaven help us all."

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**EDITORIAL__**

**_IT'S NOT EDITORIAL OVERSIGHT_**

**_By DAF9_**

One of our sharp-eyed readers, a Mr. NITPICKER, has taken us to task for the fact that in the past several months we have printed contradictory information about the fates of pre-Pulse actors Julia Roberts and Robert Downey Jr. We know. The problem is we don't know which information is correct. The latest rumor out of Hollywood is that in an effort to keep down production costs at the turn of the millennium many of the hottest actors at the time were cloned; some of them were cloned multiple times. Clearly there is more than one Julia Roberts and Robert Downey Jr. running around Seattle these days but which one is the original and which are the clones? Or are they all clones? We just don't know and so until we figure it out we will continue to bring you contradictory reports on the activities of these and other celebrities.

But you made this reporter's day Mr. NITPICKER. I thought the only people who read this paper were its editors!

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor:

I (censored) worked with the Sector Police for (censored) years. Now I am with the US (censored) to help them over here near (censored). In my unit, about (censored) of us (censored) people have a subscription to your fine paper, however almost all of us share our papers. Everyone but (censored) that is, you hear that (censored)? We all enjoy getting news from home through your fine (censored) paper. However, I have noticed that you are very down on the Sector Police. Remember that they are just doing their jobs, and that sometimes their job is to beat the living (censored) out of you (censored) little (censored).

Thank you so much for your piece of (censored) paper. Keep them coming, they make great toilet paper and hats to get out of all this (censored) rain.

Sincerely,

(censored)

_THIS LETTER CENSORED FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION BY (censored)_

Dear Editor;

I read all those letters about that "mermaid," and I just think it's so funny how you were all taken in. I guess people see what they want to see. I was there, and it was so fake it wasn't even funny. I mean, the chick had legs, and everyone knows real mermaids have tails. You'd think none of you had ever even seen a real mermaid, the way you were going on. I have friends who are mermaids and if they could read they'd be really insulted. Next time get reporters who do some research.

Steve Schmidt

Dear Editor,

My family has been pulling stuff off ocean floors for four generations now and I know what I saw. It was a SPANDEX factory! How dare your reporter suggest that I had been drinking? If you don't print a retraction you will be hearing from the family lawyers!

Sincerely,

Jacques Cousteau IV

Dear Editor,

We support our son and dad.

Jacques Cousteau III

Jacques Cousteau V (Jackie)

Dear Editor,

For years now I've been visiting my mother once a week at the Happy Acres Home for the Chronologically Challenged. She came to expect the case of 100 Grand bars and the 2 liter bottle of Coke Classic that I used to provide at every visit. But about two months ago it suddenly became impossible to come by 100 Grand bars. Everywhere I went I was told they were sold out! Even the Black Market cupboards were bare. Mom wouldn't speak to me. And now, for no apparent reason 100 Grands are available again. WHAT is going on??

Chocoholic's daughter

_Editor's Note: Economic issues of supply and demand, production ratios, etc. et al, are complex and depend on infinite variables. Answering your question would require space equivalent to that textbook we didn't read back in college. We suggest that you spend more time working on your issues with your mother and less time blaming them on a chocolate bar._

Dear Editor,

This is in response to Logans_babe's article about the company Christmas banquet. I went to the party and I was shocked and amazed!! what kinds of things do you people do!!?? Really! I want to know so we can liven up our party next year!

Spy for the Seattle Sun 

Dear Editor,

I read your latest edition. It was very good. Especially the conspiracy girls article. I took her advice Christmas eve and walloped a little man in my closet, thinking he was an elf. Come to find out that it was my boyfriend's best friend Roy! Now I am facing charges! My advice to the readers for the next Christmas edition is to make sure the little man is an elf!

Sincerely.

Janey Patterson

Dear editor,

It just occurred to me that you don't have a joke list! Us readers would really like a joke list! If someone would like to write some jokes that would be great!

Thanks,

Joke Lover

Here you go: Waite enters a bar one day and bumps into a couple of friends. "Hey guys!!" he began, " Got a riddle for you. How many X-5s does it take to change a light bulb?"  Mia looks at Cindy as Cindy looks back. " Does he know I'm an X-5?" Mia worries to herself.  Cindy looks at Waite and asked, "How many transgenics does it take to change a light bulb?" "None!!" Waite blurted it out," Why would they?!! They can see in the dark!!" he laughed and walked away. Mia and Cindy give a slight smile and when he's out of sight, they bust out laughing.

Dear Editor,

I just wanted to let you know how much the readers appreciate this paper!! Thank you so much to the reporters and a GIGANTIC thanks to the head honchos!! The paper is absolutely stunning!

Thanks,

The silent readers (until now)

****************************************************

**FEATURES******

**_BE MY VALENTINE?_**

**_By: BarcodeBabe_**

Those of us who can remember the days before the Pulse remember those little candy hearts that had sayings on them like 'Be Mine' and 'Luv Ya' and 'My Guy'. You know, the little heart-shaped sugary things that tasted like chalk two days after Valentines and never seemed to give you a clear answer to whether or not Jason Peterson from fifth grade was really in love with you? Any way, these candy hearts are in for a big change.

You may have noticed that lately they have added to the traditional sayings with lines that embrace society's multi-national/ethnic/lifestyle/technological culture, for example 'I'm Bi' and 'E-Mail Me'. You also may have noticed that besides the pastel colors, they now come in a wide assortment of colors including Punk, Goth, and Non-discriminatorily. Well, according to Cahndi Caayne, spokeswoman for the nation's largest manufacturer of candy hearts, this Valentine's Day the company is releasing a new line of candy hearts ? Create Your Own. That's right, for only $10 you can get a set of candy hearts with sayings appropriate for any one ? your mother, your cat, or the creepy guy from down the hall (My advice, try the ones that say 'Get Lost' in that particular situation)

The American Dentists' Association, long time adversaries of the candyco's have issued a statement saying that while the candy hearts are cute, they contain ingredients that will rot teeth and advise against their consumption, especially for those with few of their original teeth left. Cahndi Caayne and her company refused to comment.

They still don't give you a clear answer about the copier guy in the office.

**_ROMANCE FOR ALL BUDGETS_**

You can eat out in style without paying a cent. The best restaurants require a credit-card deposit when making a Valentine's reservation, to protect them from last-minute cancellations. All you have to do is find a friend, acquaintance, or co-worker who has already made his/her Valentine's reservation. On February 13th, send an anonymous note to his/her significant other describing his/her horrific past (this is your opportunity to be creative). While they're breaking up, show up at the restaurant, use their reservation, and enjoy your meal. Just remember to stay within the deposit. _JENNEM1_

Wow the love of your life this Valentine's Day with a gift certificate for Genetucking. Too expensive you say? Not to worry. As you slowly draw the envelope out of your pocket, pause, look longingly into her eyes and then suddenly tear the envelope into pieces declaring as you do so that as your lady is perfect as she is it would be a crime to alter a single feature. Make sure a burning trash barrel is close at hand to dispose of the evidence before she realizes the envelope was empty. _DAF9_

Schedule an "emergency" business trip, major surgery, or "police-assisted disappearance" for February 14th. Return on the 15th. You can't believe how cheap everything is the day after. _JENNEM1_

**_HOW WE MET_**

_Editor's Note: We sent some of our reporters out on the street to conduct instant interviews of happy couples, asking how they found love._

Louise & Eddie

"We met real romantic-like. We was living right next to each other but we never met. I was living in a Maytag washer box and Eddie was in a real nice Amana double-wide refrigerator box. One day it rained, well a lot of days it rained, actually all the days it rained but usually we all had plastic over the top of our houses. Mine was this daisy shower curtain I picked up behind the old K-Mart, you know the one I mean? That they turned into a strip club? It was a real nice shower curtain. Daisies. Oh, right, Eddie. Yeah, well, this one rainy day my shower curtain sprung a little leak and melted out one wall of my house. And so did Eddie's, well he didn't have a shower curtain he had this blue tarp thing. And the leaks made holes facing each other and I looked out and there was Eddie and well, it was just fate. So we taped our boxes together and we've been together ever since."

Fred and Mary

I was working in a ...um...er...VA hospital transporting a clone – uh I mean a patient from one room to another when I took a wrong turn and ended up in Mary's laboratory - um I mean office. She was sitting there injecting recombinant DNA into enucleated eggs and her hair was kinda fallin' in her face and ....oh, nevermind.

Car and G-Dog

We met pre-pulse when that thing called the Internet was still workin. Afta talkin for a few months we decided to meet, and we've been hooked up ever since. We're just as happy in this dumpster as we were in our dorms back in college.

Boz & Ellie

There was this big fire at the VA hospital and Ellie stumbled out. Well, she wasn't named Ellie then but she was all burned up. This doctor I know helped fix her up. She doesn't remember anything and she doesn't talk so good, but boy is she flexible.

O.C. & Feather

"So, we be jammin' at this club called Crash, right? Well, check this, I was talkin' with  my Boo's boy, Alec, when Featha comes ova, and she's all ova me askin if I want some real fun. And that's how things got started."

Wouldn't give names.

Well we met down on the pier it was cold and raining, and we were both trying to shelter out of the rain well he looked at me and I looked at him and we just knew. Hey an old factory ain't a palace but at least it is pretty dry and we can huddle together for warmth, if the nights get too cold the days as well come to think of it.

**_LOVE MEANS…_**

Love means...closing down the house account at Big Akbar's House O' Lap Dances.

Love means...even a cardboard condo feels like a palace.

Love means...that fiery sensation in your heart even when you haven't gotten too close to the burning trash can.

Love means... without genetic enhancement the object of your affection is STILL the most beautiful/handsome person you've ever seen

Love means...giving them the half of the scavenged sandwich without the bite out of it.

Love means...secretly paying for the items they stole so the cops won't be after them.

Love means letting them roll up in the old newspapers to keep warm on a cold night.

Love means....nothing to me.

Love means never having to worry about whether I can grab my yellow glasses and ride my motorcycle. The answer is always yes.

Love means...if someone breaks your heart you can't get a new one. (quickly)

Love means being permanently worried about whether she loves you back, permanently broke from the dates and presents and permanently blind to the faults of the object of your love, who will invariably turn out to be a total itch.

Love means... you're brainwashed to kill someone who is trying to get busy with the object of your affection, and when the smoke clears, you have no clue why you did what you just did...

Love means you're totally besotted with the object of your affection.

Love means trying your best to please "Mr. Right" then finding out that he doesn't even know who you are.

Love means doing everything you can to please him, and then finding out he wants to please you. 

**_LOVE LETTERS_**

_Editor's Note: As a gift to our readers (having nothing whatsoever to do with filling column inches), we've opened this space to those who wish to write to someone  they love on Valentine's Day._

Dear Bertha,

I am taking this opportunity to let the whole world (or at least the greater Seattle area with the money to buy this paper) know how much I love you. You are the light of my life. I don't know how I survived before you jimmied open that car trunk and found me within seconds of dying of oxygen deprivation. I know my body was genetically engineered for someone else, but my heart was created for you. Others may look at you and see only an overweight middle-aged lunchlady, but I see the true you hidden behind the hair net and rubber gloves.

Love always,

Biff

PS: Can I have a sloppy joe and milk box please?

Dear Ed,

I know I said I'd love you forever but I guess I was wrong. I'm in love with Joe now and we're leaving Seattle and you won't find us. I know this space is for love letters but it's free and all. I can tell from the articles that they don't actually read them before they publish them. Plus with their constant editorial delays, I'll have a good long head start before you see this.

Sally

_Editor's note: Sally was right.  With this month's editorial delay, she should be clear across Alaska by now.  Even if she was walking._

Dear Saddie,

You've stood by me through all the hard times and all my pain and troubles. Never left my side while I was drunk. And when I would puke you would clean up after me. It makes me glad to own a dog like you. Next time though chew a breath mint after cleaning up after me.

 Butch

Dear Big Guy

The file is in the third layer of the cake. See you soon.

Love Snookums

Dear Logan

I know you're in love with another but maybe someday you'll see that not only am I better suited for you but I have a better class of friends.

Love Asha

****************************************************

CONSPIRACY 

**_VALENTINE'S_**

**_By CG double-oh-nuffin'_**

Ah yes, the day of red roses and chocolates. Romance and music. And of abounding conspiracies. In my struggle to ferret out the truth, I found a veritable treasure trove on Valentine's Day. And therein lie my problem for this article. Should I write about the drugs inserted in chocolate. Or the various myths spread about chocolate by government conspirators? I began to get suspicious as I delved through the muck. How much of this was truly part of the government conspiracy and how much of it was a red herring? A plausible conspiracy with evidence abounding put forward to hide the truth.  

And so I dug. And dug. And dug. I finally had to go to the source to end all source. A group of entities I will call...MLF...who assisted in my break out of a secret government installation a few months ago. They're very ingenious, MacGuyver's got nothing on them.  But I digress.

I went to the MLF and asked them if they had any leads to give. They said, "Follow the nekkid, blind one." Of course, being the truth-seeker I am I said, "What the h*ll are you talking about?" They just sighed and handed me a V-Day card. On it was pictured...Cupid. Yes, Cupid. The blindfolded naked boy from mythology that symbolizes the vulnerability and blindness of love. Also, the son of "Venus" (or Aphrodite, depending on whether you prefer Greek or Roman).  Why, you may ask, is this significant? Merely this. The Goddess of Love symbolized the power of beauty, and in the old stories her son was a grown man who was pretty *D*mn* fine.

"Sheesh," you may be thinking, "Double-oh-nuffin's clock *must* be ticking." But, my friends, you do not *begin* to delve to the depths I've delved.  Beauty and The Beast, my friends, Beauty and The Beast. Only now the mythos is much more confused, for in the beauty lies the beast. Our government overlords are very wise my friends. They know that if they control our libidos, they control us. So they set before us the unattainable ideal and tell us we can have her or him. So we chase and chase and chase. And the government has a brief period of time in which they can get away with *anything*.  Happy Valentine's Day, my friends. Leave some chocolate for me and break out the chick flicks.

****************************************************

**ADVICE**

**_ANSWERING YOUR DREAMS_**

**_By Legend10013_**

Hi, and welcome to "Answering your dreams" column. I'm breaking in a new computer and so a lot of your e-mails may have been "Pulsed" by accident.

I'm Legend10013. Guru to the stars. I'm glad to be here to help people in need or so my editor says. Let's hear from some of our readers.

_It's finally happened! That girl I told you about is here. For awhile there I was thinking she wasn't real. Thanks for giving me hope legend. By the way, in an hour someone will offer to sell you something you should get for Valentines Day. I'm sorry we couldn't complete that cookies for candy bars deal._

_magnificent@EO.com_

I'm glad you took my advice and stuck it out. Hope she's everything you've dreamed of. Thanks for reminding me.

legend10013@SOS.com

_Dear legend I've been having these nightmares about a cat and dog chasing me. I'm in this cage with the cat and golden retriever and it appears to be one of those ultimate fighting championships. The announcer is a peacock that is screaming numbers at us. In my corner of the ring is a giant mouse that is telling me if I wish upon a star my dreams can come true. I look out at the audience and see beasts of all kinds. A bell rings and the fight begins. I try telling them all that I'm human and this is crazy but no one listens. Both the cat and dog snarl at one another but then they turn towards me and lunge at my throat. I put up my arms and a golden statue appears in my hands and I try to fend them off. The cat leaps with incredible speed and knocks the statue from my hand and the dog attacks. The last thing I see is a Fox looking down at me. What does it mean?_

_J.G.@Alias.com_

Dear J.G. I know you're afraid to face your fears of losing but darn it I brought tickets to that fight! Show up and defend your statue. I'm almost positive that SMG doesn't bite.

legend10013@SOS.com

_Hey, lil fella woulda like to buy a painting?_

_Joshua@EO.com_

Umm...this is a column for.....oh, never mind. I really enjoyed your last work. I'll e-mail you later about your latest piece.

legend10013@SOS.com

**_DOCTOR LOVE_**

_Dear Dr. Love_

_I met this really cool guy last week but he's only interested in talking to my German shepherd. I tried facial hair transplants and even rolling in Misty's (my dog) poo but nothing works. He has eyes only for her!! What do I do?_

_Lusting for Joshua_

Dear Lusting,

You tried what?? Uh.. Ok... I mean it is your body... Don't you know anything though?? You have to roll around in her pee, they don't like the poop smell. But the pee smell... You'll catch him there. Trust me.

Dr. Love

_Dear Dr. Love,_

_I have this girl at school that I like and I wanted to send her a valentine, but the stores don't sell the ones that I like. So I cut up a medical magazine and gave her a picture of a *real* heart. I fancied it up real good and put some ketchup on it to look like blood. It was great! It even looked real! I went all sentimental on her and even put: Won't you be my valentine. She hated it and called me a pig...What happened?_

_G.I. Joe_

Dear G.I.Joe,

You know, I think you made a mistake and got the picture from an animal science magazine. That has to be it. You got a pig heart instead of a human heart. That or you *might* have gone a little overboard with the ketchup. Who knows, us women are a confusing lot. Good luck with the ladies.

Dr. Love

_Dear Dr. Love,_

_I'm in love with a chocolate bar; a 1000 Grand bar to be exact. And my weight-watchers weigh in is on Valentines Day! What do I do?_

_Weight-watchers dropout._

Dear Drop Out,

It just occurred to me that you should over ride the system and so that you can make your own weight. that way when the other people get up to be weighed, you can make them some outrageous # of pounds and make you look good... If you need any help over riding the system, there is a girl down at Jampony Express you might talk to.

Dr. Love

_Dear Dr. Love;_

_Sometimes I'm just "not in the mood." Things happen. The flu, job stress, papercuts, whatever. But whenever I tell my fiancé that I'm not in the mood, he curls up into a fetal position and bangs his head on the floor until I give in. What should I do?_

_Has a Headache_

Dear Has A Headache,

You could always pad the floors. Or, an even better idea, you could always make him _think_ that you have given in, tie him to the bed and run to the other room to nurse your... papercuts. Hey, it has always worked for me!

Dr. Love

****************************************************

Valentine's Day Special

At Biff and Bertha's luncheonette down on South Market (formerly Vogelsang's Laundry & Private Investigations)

A choice selection of Chocolate hearts and candy flowers - 3 for $10 with every entrée.

NO SUBSTITUTIONS!!

Hurry down right now. These Pre-Pulse prices won't last!

Editor's note: Not only is the food great but the place is spotless. That Biff really knows how to wield a vacuum cleaner.

****************************************************

**COMPANY NEWS**

**_WORSHIPPING A MANAGEMENT GODDESS_**

**_By DAF9_**

Regular readers of SOS will be aware that for several months now we have had our very own goddess on the premises: Logans_Babe, CFO and Management Goddess to be precise.

Although most of our atheist readers tend to treat Logans_Babe like a regular person some of the more religious members of our audience have been contacting SOS with inquiries regarding the issue of how to properly worship a Management Goddess.

The following suggestions are provided.

Strew Her path with small change. Yes, I know rose petals are more traditional but trust me a Management Goddess would rather have small change. Actually what She would really like is large bills but we know that none of our readers possess any.

Create an altar of old yearly budget reports and cancelled checks made out to the reporters of SOS and then burn something on said altar. What you burn doesn't matter - the goal is to have the altar consumed by flames. (Trust me, most of those checks aren't worth the paper they're printed on and consequently the majority of SOS employees will be happy to trade them for a cookie or even a piece of stale bread. And the yearly budget reports are a total fabrication that Logans_Babe would rather keep out of the hands of the IRS anyway.)

Send your good-looking sons to serve Her. Logans_Babe is reported to be a relatively benevolent goddess - the ones She doesn't select for personal servants She will send off to college to get MBAs that will assist them in their future careers. And the ones She does select as personal servants will know the joy of serving Her - and will hopefully keep the offices and restrooms around here a little tidier than the current cleaning staff.

**_OMG ANOTHER GODDESS_**

**_By DAF9_**

Yes it's true. SOS has not one but TWO Goddesses on our staff. This reporter just learned today that Conspiracy Girl is actually a MOUSE GODDESS in disguise.

To worship a Mouse Goddess .... this one is SO EASY.

Sugar cubes. Lots and lots and lots of Sugar cubes, strewn in her path while humming music from the old brit sf show "Red Dwarf".

And let's hope our goddesses never met. History has shown Goddesses are usually jealous of each other.

****************************************************

**POLICE NEWS******

**_THE MUTANT SITUATION_**

**_By Melasand_**

I was recently granted an interview with a sergeant in the Seattle police department  to discuss the recent spate of mutant reports. On my arrival he gave me a partial copy of a official document to read. It stated that after an extensive official inquiry there was no evidence of transgenic mutants in the city of Seattle. Reported sightings by the public are attributed to the recent water contamination experienced in the city. It further stated that there are no strange creatures living in the sewers, and the alleged mermaid said to be being exhibited in a local bar was in fact an elaborate hoax. It is in fact nothing more than another case of public hysteria.

Footnote: On leavening the station I was hailed from an alley by a voice identifying itself as 'deep woof' thought in fact I never saw this individual I was promised information providing I could produce 2lbs of quality steak. I returned later with the aforementioned steak, obtained I might add at no little personal risk. I handed it over or to be more exact threw it over and after some inexplicable snuffling and growling received the following information.  The sector police would catch and stop any mutant trying to enter the city, that is unless they had enough money to pay the appropriate bribe, in which case they would have free entry to the city. Police dogs have caught several unusual scents in the sewers but through a sense of self preservation have not followed up on them.

There are strange things afoot in this city. This seemed to conclude the interview, on further investigation of the alley I found only a small scruffy dog that said 'bark' before going on his way.

**_WHAT CONSTITUTES A MOB_**

**_By Melasand_**

For those interested in starting a mob to hunt down these mutants please remember a few simple guidelines.

1 Flaming torches are compulsory at least one torch to four people.

2 The carrying of Scythes and pitchforks is acceptable.

3 The combined IQ of a mob is half the IQ of its most stupid member.

4 Throwing stones is acceptable.

5 If anyone is arrested you do not know them.

6 Lastly remember your mob will need some food and drink for later, your mob will need feeding after stalking the streets doing random property damage

**_POLICE REPORT_**

**_By X5422_**

Recently in Seattle there has been a series of Twizzler thefts for various convenience stores. Currently, nine convenience stores have reported that their entire supply of Twizzlers has been stolen. An investigation is underway at this time. There are currently no suspects.

****************************************************

**ENTERTAINMENT******

**_PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL FOUND DEAD AND EATEN. PA. RESIDENTS SHOCKED AND ENRAGED!_**

**_By Weirdarchive_**

The annual Groundhog Day celebration turned into a mass wake today as Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania's favorite resident rodent was found dead, roasted on a spit, and devoured by unknown person or persons. The usually festive mood of the occasion has turn somber, with some residents contemplating suicide or vigilante justice for Phil's killers. The military governor, Brigadier General Bernard Stewart, has decided on a Level Two Alert Status due to the special circumstances and has also informed the surrounding military sectors to be on the lookout for any enraged Pennsylvanians out to create panic. Checkpoints have been doubled and additional troops have been airlifted to defuse the tense situation.

The day began like any other Groundhog Day celebration with many party goers looking forward to the spectacle and traditions of this ages old event. According to legend, if a groundhog sees his shadow, there will be about six more weeks of Winter. If he doesn't, Spring will come. The town of Punxsutawney had made Groundhog Day and its mascot Phil its own unique mix of Marti Gras and New Year's, with visitors coming from all over the world to see the revered rodent and his electric heated burrow and enjoy the festival which included an all day showing of the 1993 cult classic hit GROUNDHOG DAY starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell at the local theaters. Usually, Phil's handlers would come out with the Mayor and other local officials, bring out Phil in all his glory, and predicted how the winter would last. While Phil's predictions were less than stellar, the festival provided a well deserved release of tension. Only during the Great Tragedy of September 11 and the chaos of the Pulse did the Groundhog Day celebration required protection. During the Pulse and the Dark Months that followed when food deliveries were infrequent and subject to attack, some citizens took to hunting wild game which included groundhog. The hunting took a heavy toll on the groundhog population, so much so that the Military Council of New England imposed a ban on groundhog hunting and declared it a protected species. The killing of groundhog drew a 10 year sentence in the stockade and all domesticated groundhogs like Phil were given around the clock protection. As order was restored, the protection was relaxed and the penalty was reduced to two years hard labor. Despite these measures, the groundhog population suffered greatly and Phil's pen was considered better protected than Fort Knox until this tragedy.

According to unofficial reports, it's believed that someone broke into Phil's pen during the night in a fit of hunger and killed the groundhog with a sharp hunting knife. His entails and skin were removed and the meat was skewered on a spit some 15 miles away from the pen. Some have speculated that Phil's organs were either thrown out or preserved for stewing. No one knows the reason why the fur was taken, though some have suggested it would be useful as coat lining or for symbolic value. The remains, mostly bones and leftover burnt flesh, will be given a burial with full military honors and a 21-gun salute as befitting all departed dignitaries of Phil's stature.

No one knows as yet if the murderers were part of the protection detail or if it was the act of drifters. There has been no word on an investigation, though a substitute groundhog was sent in later on to complete the ceremony. Despite this quick action, mourners were tear-eyed and angry by the loss of their beloved rodent. Some were overcome with emotion and has to be attended by medical personnel. There have been at least 5 attempted suicides of note. There have also been 15 attacks against some of the homeless in the area and rumors of possible hate crimes on the foreign  shanty town close by Punxsutawney. The mayor and local police have urged calm and restraint on this tragic moment. A reward has been offered for information on the killer or killers of Punxsutawney Phil. His pen has become an impromptu shrine with flowers and condolences sent from all parts of North America, Europe, Central America, Japan, and even an official telegram from the Alaskan Republic Air Home Guard Commander and former resident 'Rocking' Billy Philip Hayes. A candle light vigil has been set for tomorrow evening with a moment of silence followed by the christening of the new Phil.

**_TV AND MOVIE LISTINGS_**

**_By WEIRDARCHIVE_**

On Cineplex, Canada:

DONE WITH WIRES, 2005, Starring Diane Farr, Yasmine Bleeth, Denise Richards, and Luke Wilson. Written, produced, and directed by Denis Leary. Rated R. If there's one thing to say about the long and fruitful career of Denis Leary, it's the fact that he's real. Real about his emotions, real about his acting, real about his comedy, and real about his writing and directing. Boston's favorite son does his best work here as he tells the tale of a nice woman (Farr) attending Emerson College and trying to get a degree in journalism in spite of the insanity that plagues her life in the form of her sister (Bleeth), her roommate (Richards), and the guy (Wilson) she occasionally 'dry humps just to keep him out of my panties' as she puts it. Now, granted his humor does run on the cynical and dark and sometimes the points he tries to make doesn't quite hit the mark, but he is always entertaining and he does take his craft seriously...even when the characters sometimes don't like the moment Farr's character finds out her sister is a lesbian and her roommate does lap dances for rent money which is how they ended up meeting and falling for each other. Leary does do an uncredited cameo as Farr's true love who tries to help her sort her life out and some of the cast of his tv series THE JOB (which Farr was also a part of) also play some roles in the picture. If you overlook the seedier moments and the rare rant fest, this is a heartwarming picture, reaffirming how the people who drive you the most crazy are the best kin you'll ever have...unless your sister is dating your roommate who strips for a living. Contains sexual themes, nudity, profanity, mild violence, and gallows humor. Parents strongly cautioned.

YO, GENIUS!, 2005, Starring Eliza Dushku, Elizabeth Anne Allen, Danny Strong, and Adam Busch. Written and directed by Ryan Murphy. Rated PG-13. If you ever wanted to know about Ryan Murphy and how his career went down the toilet can be clearly explained with this particular movie. After achieving some success with his television series POPULAR, he tried to get into movies starting with the abysmal creation Why Can't I Be Audrey Hepburn(2002) which all but destroyed the career of Tammy Lynn Michaels before she could finally gain success two years later as the blind seer Omni in the television remake of THE TOMORROW PEOPLE: THE REBORN. Apparently, he somehow managed to gain enough clout to make another picture of his own making, this time dealing with a gay man named Frankie (Strong) who has a hard time dealing with the world, especially with his semi-homophobic sister (Allen) trying to hook him with her college pal (Dushku) who in turn is attempting to make a play on his bisexual boyfriend (Busch). Safe to say, this comedy of errors runs the gambit between bad, worse, and just God Awful. Murphy didn't bother to learn from his mistakes starting with the lesson about leaving filmmaking to the real professionals and stick to fluff journalism which he was good at. Most people didn't bother to watch this in the theaters, so you needn't bother watching here. Cited by the GLAAD Awards with the 'Flaming Pink Flamingo' Award which goes to films that negatively portray the gay community. Contain brief nudity, language, homophobic slurs, and bad taste. Ages 15 and up.

BENDING LIGHT, 2005, Starring Tamara Mello, Rachel Ticotin, Casey Affleck, and Penelope Cruz. Written and directed by Gregory Nava. Rated R. This is an overlooked gem of the Latin cinema at the time where acceptance of Hispanic culture was gaining in leaps and bounds. Mello plays Patricia, a young astronaut trainee vying for a slot on the International Space Station. Naturally, her quest is sidelined when her mother (Ticotin) is stricken with a stroke and has to be tended to despite the insistence of the workaholic sister Cloe (Cruz) that she be sent to a home. Adding to her problems is a handsome competitor (Affleck) who has family problems of his own. While the schmaltz about loving your kin does muddle with the love story, you have to admire how Ms. Mello plays her character and how her performance compliments the other actors. The believability of an upper middle class Latin family not living in the Barrio but still holding on to the traditional family values was highly praised by the critics. Nominated for three Independent Spirit Awards. Contains full frontal nudity, sexual content, adult language, mild violence, and some bodily fluid. Parents Strongly Cautioned.

****************************************************

**CLASSIFIEDS/PERSONALS******

Wanted: Scalpels, knives, razor blades, or any other reasonably sharp objects in bulk quantities. Rust, blood, or other foreign substance OK as long as it is removable. Top prices paid.

For Sale: Slugs...er tokens that work in most arcade games. Discount prices. Leave a message and I'll contact you.

For Sale: TVs. Used. All kinds and all in working order. Willing to consider any reasonable offer. Contact Alec at Jam Pony.

For Sale: Chocolate bars. 15 cases, mostly unopened. Contact Alec at Jam Pony for details.

Position wanted: Scientist: Seeking a position in a mid to lrg sized bio research firm. Holds PHD in Biology and Genetics. Speciality in virual pathology. Have recent experience in field working for Vivadyne Laboratory. Reference D. Lydecker.

Wanted: person with strong hands to stand behind desk chair and give back massages on demand. Age/sex/gender/appearance not an issue. Will provide meals and disinfectant Handi-Wipes. Apply SOS offices.

Position wanted: Personal trainer/bodyguard adept with all manner of weapons and training equipment. Competent field medic and grocery shopper and capable of driving an Aztek equipped with hand brakes. Will NOT advise on love life! References available upon request. For more information contact Bling at SOS PO Box 276 

WANTED INFORMATION ON THE GREAT CAPTAIN DON Information is urgently required on the whereabouts of Captain Don, currently missing for over 8 weeks, a reward will be offered for any information provided revealing his current location. Replies to this box.

Join the SOS team today!! Contact Jennem1 or Samcrazy at 555-555-5555.

Become a nurse! General Hospital is looking for nurses! Supply your own uniform and you've got the job! 555-555-2353.

Agoraphobic person looking for someone who enjoys the outdoors. Must know how to get mail, lock a door, and get groceries. Call Margie 555-555-5590.

Wanted: Men's glasses and hair gel. contact Steph at Logan_Needs_Help@DarkAngel.com

"Get Lost" Valentine hearts. Contact Max@Asha_Haters.com

Lots of Blankets. Contact the Homeless shelter.

Lost:  Flying broom and black pointy hat. Contact Asha at Foggle Towers.

Sanity. Many Marbles. I need them back! Contact DTM at anomalie@From_Manticore.com.

Fresh water. Contact Logans_babe at the_statue_is_melting@SOS.com

Found: Stray cats all over the city. Contact Ms. Nezbit at tea_party@imanoldlady.com

Big heavy briefcase with lots of cash. Will trade for drugs. Contact the bad guys 555-555-8907


	19. Spring Edition

**STREETS OF SEATTLE******

EDITION 45, 2020 

**http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

**http://forums.delphiforums.com/darkangelfans/messages**

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.___

**Editor-in-Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: DAF9**

**Chief Reporter: WeirdArchive**

**Chief Contributing Reporter: Dark999Moon**

**Contributing Reporter: Angushardie**

**Conspiracy Girl/Mouse Goddess: 2ndmousevv**

**Contributing Reporter: DCRracing**

**Contributing Reporter: Darkfan4**

**Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess: Logans_Babe**

**Contributing Reporter: SK194**

**Contributing Reporter: Maxchic**

**Contributing Reporter: 727angel**

**Contributing Reporter: Melasand**

Editor Emeritus: Samcrazy 

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**LOCAL NEWS**

CULT CYBORG GANG DISMANTLED BY SECTOR POLICE 

**_By WEIRDARCHIVES_**

In one of those rare instances where the citizens actually WANTED the Sector

Police to be on the scene, a dangerous cult of cybernetic junkies were quickly dealt with by elements of Seattle's finest in a flurry of EMP bursts and gunfire on Tuesday, the climax of Operation: Connor (a play on the neo-classic sci fi picture THE TERMINATOR, where the last name of the hero was Connor). This final act ends the saga of the Metalheads, a gang of cybernetically enhanced lunatics who had plagued most of the Market Street area for some time. Unofficial tolls have at least twenty of the youths dead with only five Sector Police officers and ten civilians seriously injured. So far, there have been only nine Metalhead survivors accounted for and, according to off the record sources, that tally could either be finalized or actually drop before the end of the week.

The self dubbed Metalheads were a gang of youths who felt the need to 'enhance' their so-called puny bodies with illegal and often dangerous cybernetic limbs and accessories from the Asian Black Tech Market. While cyborg arms and synaptic relays were the most popular, some had enhancements done to their legs, torsos, heads, and even erotic zones in an attempt to 'upgrade' to something more acceptable to their desires. Some had even had full body transformations, resulting in disturbing "Urban Knight" sightings by unsuspecting civilians. To fund their habit which involved regular tune-up at illegal 'Butcher Boy Shops' (illegal medical clinics where enhancements were done in unsanitary conditions), these criminals often preyed on others by mugging, minor drug deals of bio-steroids or second hand cybernetics, contract killing, and grave-robbing for valuable organs. The need to constantly keep with latest trends in cybernetics and to maintain their enhancement caused a dependency in most Metalheads that often rivaled the cravings of heroin and Num abusers. Without their 'kick', the Metalheads literally shut down. This sobering possibility made them violent and extremely dangerous to most  who were 'Fleshies' (Metalhead slang for unenhanced humans) and sometimes to their own kind. According to police reports, almost a quarter of all crime is committed by a Metalhead to maintain his habit. Most gangs and crime families refuse to have any dealing with Metalheads owing to their volatile nature. Incidents of gang warfare waged by the Metalheads ran riot for three months, with some considering calling in a Level Four Local Alert and involving the military. That changed when members of the Tokyo Cybernetic Crimes Division arrived with their newest weapon against the Metalheads.: the Honda VT-68 EMP Blaster, capable to sending a highly powerful electromagnetic pulse that can burn out most of today's enhanced bio-chips and computer processors. The Division taught the Sector Cops the proper way to use the Blaster and the rest, as they say, was history.

While Operation: Connor was a two-year investigation into the criminal world of cybernetic enhancement, it wasn't until this year that the Sector Police took direct frontal action against the gangs. Most of the fighting was in the Market Street Sectors with some later scuffles at the waterfront warehouses and outside the city limits. Unlike most gangs, the Metalheads had no central leader which made things difficult for the Sector Police as far as capturing the leader and his hierarchy went. The battles have been mostly to the death and some Metalheads have been rumored to committed suicide rather than be forced to return to their normal selves. Sector Police Officer Walter Estep, who is in overall charge of the operation, has suggested the fighting will end by the end of the week with most of the Metalheads going into seizures from lack of proper timely maintenance or from "Kill Programs" that prevent the theft of cybernetic parts from other gang members by burning out the CPUs of each limbs. So far, none of the Metalheads have taken hostages or committed acts of terrorism. Some have suggested the Metalheads are 'running themselves down' in protest of the crackdown. Until further notice, civilians are advised to use caution in the nighttime and in the Market Street Sectors. Police urge civilians not to confront a member of the Metalheads for any reason. They are to contact their nearest Sector Police Station, state their case, and then get the Hell out there. So far, the civilians of Seattle have heeded this advice.

**_STRANGE SEA CREATURES: A TASTY TREAT?_**

**_By Angus Hardie_**

Warning: if you are squeamish or of a nervous disposition, please stop reading now.  Plus if you really like fish, you may want to stop here also.

If you haven't stopped then you obviously enjoy this kind of thing.

Researchers and fish eaters were appalled today to discover what appears to be a large salmon with human arms. This mutant fish was caught by commercial fisherman James Roebuck who as captain of the 'Seattle Pride' regularly fishes off the coast of Washington state.

"It was mite tasty that fish. The arms put me off a bit at first, but its true hat they say, it does taste like chicken. Me and the boys had a good dinner that day.

Unfortunately no samples of this mutated specimen survive, the only evidence that exists are some photographs and video taken by Mr. Roebuck and the testimony of the crew. Some researchers are skeptical.

But Dr Rebecca Jones of the Seattle Oceanographic and Seafood center may have an answer. "This is not the first time we've seen something similar. About two years back or so there was a similar incident, but that time we were able to conduct an examination of the fish. Its DNA had been corrupted, we think from mutagenic compounds in the seawater but perhaps it was deliberate, regrettably we weren't able to say for sure."

"However the fish appeared to have arms and we observed it using the arms to catch smaller fish in our test tank. It then ate the smaller fish. It was gruesome to watch. One of our interns passed out. We eventually concluded it was a freak of nature and served it up as one of our entrees for the day. Chicken and Salmon pie. It was a really popular dish!"

So there we have it. Another freak of nature or a new eating trend, we may never know. But one thing's for sure, the Seafood at the Seafood center sure is tasty.

Angus Hardie paid $67 for dinner and wine for 2 persons at the Seattle Oceanographic and Seafood Center. Regular specials available including a lunchtime menu. It's located at Harbor View, Seattle. 555 067 249 6098.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY REVIVAL CANCELLED 

**_By Dark999Moon_**

A planning committee for the St Patrick's Day celebration, which would have been the first St Patrick's Day since the pulse, left abruptly yesterday with no plans to meet again after being chased out by "A plague of snakes and devils." The committee, run by the friendly people of Erish Beer Co, was meeting in their warehouse, when they said they were set upon by giant snakes and scary looking people. 

Says one committee member, "We were just sitting there, talking about what a great idea this was, drinking a few samples of our green beer, and this freaky looking little bald guy shows up followed by these huge snakes…he had funny eyes and kept flicking out his tongue."

The committee says that they can't have St Patrick's Day if there are all those snakes around. Also the snakes ruined all of their green food coloring. "Do you know how hard it is to find mold that will…I mean green food coloring?" says a committee member.

This SOS reporter is majorly disappointed, because I might have some Irish in me, if I knew who parents were, I would ask them.

**_HARBOR LIGHTS VIRUS SCARE A HOAX!_**

**_By Daf9_**

Last week representatives of the Center for Disease Control paid a hush-hush visit to the Harbor Lights Medical Center that resulted in a three-day closure of that facility. Although the staff, both medical and non-medical, were remarkably tight-lipped about the reasons for the shut down SOS finally managed to find a diaper delivery guy who heard it straight from an emergency room orderly whose sister's podiatrist's receptionist listened in on a call between one of the CDC guys and his boss in Washington, that although the supposed reason for the  shut down was an unusual virus scare, the REAL reason was far less frightening. Turns out the administrators and senior medical staff had bribed the CDC to enable them to take a spring break. If you don't believe this story look at the dates involved. Do you really think it was just a coincidence that the Harbor Lights closure fell on the same days as the "Annual pre-Easter Amateur Spring Golf Classic" held in Vancouver last week?

Next time you have an ingrown toenail or a gunshot wound, go to Metro Medical. Not only is it a better hospital but their doctors have lower handicaps.

MISSING SHOES 

**_By Melasand_**

There has been an unexplained rash of missing shoes in the Seattle area lately. It is suspected that mermaids may have been responsible. Apparently the dumping of rubbish on the waterfront has escalated, several wardrobes have been disposed of there, and it is believed mermaids have taken them into the depths with them. However as everyone knows wardrobes have a genetic need to have shoes in the bottom of them, possibly as some sort of symbiotic relationship. It is suspected that mermaids may have been sneaking ashore and stealing shoes to put in the bottoms of the wardrobes in an effort to keep their new possessions happy. Other theories suggest that it is sea monsters in the pay of the mermaids that are committing the actual thefts. Thought it remains to be proved how they are dealing with the pressure difference between their homes in the murky depths and on land.

It has even been suggested that it is possible dolphins have been tricked into thinking they are playing games by stealing the shoes of people sleeping out on the seafront. Whatever the answer it is confirmed shoes are vanishing from the seafront areas.

BE ON YOUR GUARD PROTECT YOUR SHOES.

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**_SALE SALE SALE SALE_**

**_For Sale Now: Name Brand Clothes!_**

**_Nike! Gap! These once common brand names now going cheap! Will take US Money, Canadian Money, OR will trade for food! Come to the last warehouse on Drivel Dr anytime between 6pm-6am. You must tell me if you are a Copper!_**

**_SALE SALE SALE SALE_**

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**NATIONAL NEWS**

**_HODGES HAS CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH, TACKLES ONGOING INDIA CRISIS_**

**_By WEIRDARCHIVES_**

At the Winter Residence of the Republic of Alaska's President, located at an undisclosed locale, 'Governor' William Hodges underwent his eleventh medical check-up as prescribed by the rogue state's constitution to ensure the well being of the President and a smooth transition of power should the need arise for the Vice President to assume command. Doctors from the Fairbanks Medical Center, University of Toyko Neurological Institute, and the Montreal Genetic Disorder Clinic examined the President for some 30 hours before giving him a cautious clean bill of health. The heads of each team gave their findings at a press conference at the People's Assembly in Anchorage. While Hodges has had some trouble of late with his blood pressure and a slight case of insomnia, this was mostly blamed on stress from the ongoing crisis in India where anti-Alaska riots have been waging for a month. The death toll has been estimated at 20,000 with most of New Delhi, Bangalore, and Madras still under martial law. President Hodges' concerns about how the vote at the Indian Parliament dealing with that country's full recongization of the rogue state had affected his health to the point where Vice President Calvin Rutherford executed the 'Stream Valve Amendment', a clause in the Alaskan Constitution that allows the Vice President to order the President on a mandatory medical holiday and assume temporary duties as Acting President until as such time the President is fit to resume his duties. This Amendment was approved by the Alaskan Citizens Assembly in part to the chaos that occurred during George Walker Bush's term when his Vice President Richard Cheney was stricken with a stroke and the President then suffered a sudden panic attack that left the country under the hands of the Speaker of the House Denny Hastert for three months which resulted in his near impeachment by Democrat factions.

By Alaskan law, the health of the President takes top priority in matters of crisis and cannot be left unattended to. If the Vice President or at least five members of the Cabinet feel the President deserves a rest leave for the sake of his well being, he can put him on vacation and become Acting President unless an emergency or an act of war overrides that authority. The President then must take a three-week vacation where he's allowed to unwind and 'blow off stream' as the Steam Valve Amendment suggests. A team of doctors then examines the President to see if he's fit to resume his duties or if another three vacation is needed. Only if the President is declared mentally or medically unfit to continue his term can the Vice President take full control as President and only by the conclusion of three doctors whose findings are independent from one another and can be verified by another medical authority not directly linked to the government. This is to prevent any possible coup attempts and ensure stability within the government.

Asked what did he do on his forced vacation, Hodges joked with reporters, "Oh, I just fished at the cabin and cussed out my friend Calvin for putting me on ice for awhile." Hodges then thanked his Vice President for his sound judgment in keeping him from a possible stroke. Vice President Rutherford gave him a hug and told him it was nothing. "I hate to do that to the big lug since he's been doing a bang up job," Rutherford said at the press conference. "But sometimes a friend has to intervene to the sake of his health. Hodges was being eaten alive by the Indian riots and what the Fed had been lying about how it was all his fault. It was either pull him out for a vacation or start craving the memorial headstone." Hodges stated that he should be back to work in three days, ready to help defuse the tension within India's borders and refute US claims that the Parliament vote was to be rigged in Alaska's favor by members of the Nation of Islam Reformed under orders by Samantha Adjia (the ex-Britney Spears) and that members of the Hindu Bharatiya Janata Party had discovered the potential fraud and reacted as "patriots of a free and uncorrupted India" as one unnamed White House source suggested.

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**_PUBLIC NOTICE: As of today Captain Don can no longer except new born babies.  Because of a out of control rat problem we can no longer accept babies in our 24-hour drop slot or in any way. Captain Don is very sorry for this inconvenience and would like to thank all the hundreds of mothers out there that have trusted their babies to us._**

Captain Don

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**CONSPIRACY GIRL**

**_SPRINGTIME…_**

**_By CG double-oh-nuffin'_**

Ah, yes, it's springtime again in the Emerald City! For those of you who are high, I'm talking about Seattle. Ah, springtime! When it gets even greener than usual and maybe a few other colors peek in with the blooming flowers. Ah, springtime! The season where, when it isn't raining, we go outside to revel in the fact that it's not *quite* as cold as it was... And when the government gets back to its job, subjugating the people. That would be *you*. You might roll your eyes at me. You might scoff and say, "CG, you're trippin' again. What does *springtime* have to do with government conspiracies." Well....you asked.

When the people begin to emerge from their winter dens, the government spy satellites have an easier job of tracking everyone. And with less snow and blizzards, it's just that easier for them to follow you. Trust me, the "welt" guy is back at it. You know the one I'm talking about.

"What," you may ask, "Is so eye-opening about that? It's not like we didn't know."

Ah, yes, and therein lies the true threat. For while you think you're being oh so cautious about your "tail", the people following you, you may find yourself growing more lax about other things. Like reading the truth as it appears in the Streets of Seattle's Conspiracy section. Hey! you pick this page back up! I'm not through with you yet! Uh-uh, no tossing into a dumpster either to line your new bed, you need to read this first.

The old government spy and surveillance systems are being brought online again, rapidly. The question we must ask ourselves is, why? All these silly stories flying around about mutant strippers is all well and good, but surely you realize it's just a blind! While we distract ourselves with all these silly "mutants" the government is safely pursuing its true goal...To put to use its assassins from Area 51!

Dadgumit! They found me again!

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**_Sector Police fund raiser at Capt. Don's_**

**_Heeelllllllooooo Seattle! It's "The First annual Captain Don Easter Fund Raiser for Seattle's Great Sector Police." First off, we all love and need the Sector Police. Without them it would be total anarchy and the streets of our great town would not be safe! Just down at the pier the crime rate has been cut in half in the last year!!! the murder rate alone is down from 330 last year to 136 for the last 12months!  The Sector Police are God's gift to Seattle ,and we are going to have a fundraiser for them on Easter Sunday! Bring the whole family, yes even grandma and grandpa! We will have live bands, cheap food, cheap booze, card and poker games, we will be raffling off Dream Dates with some of Captain Dons finest girls! And you may win some of those hard to get Sector Police Passes! With one of these babies you can go anywhere you want, just please come back. Bring the kids to our petting farm and see all of our meat products as they look alive, and for you open minded kids, get grandpa a lap dance from a hot Teenage girl! Best of all you will get to meet the Sector police in person, and that alone could be a big plus if you should run into them on the street. Just think how the people that don't come are going to feel! All proceeds will go to the needs of Seattle's Sector Police. SEE YOU SUNDAY! Captain Don_**

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**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editor:

I (censored) would just like to say that I read your last edition and since (censored) wrote in, I would like to also. I want everyone from (censored) to (censored) to know that I do indeed share my (censored) paper with others. However I refuse to share with (censored) because (censored) and his friends (censored) use it for toilet paper before I get to read it. Over here in (censored) it gets really boring and I need something to do, so I read your articles and me and my friends (censored) and (censored) like to make fun of all the (censored) that happens back home. It would make all (censored) of us feel better to be out of that (censored) if it weren't for all the (censored), the (censored), and the (censored) over here in (censored).

Sincerely, (censored)

THIS LETTER CENSORED FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION BY (censored)

Editor's note: We have been asked recently what we do with the words we censor out of reader's contributions. The answer is this: we cut them out, glue them to magnetic backings, and use them to create amusing sentences on the office refrigerator.

Dear Editor,

Recently I choked on my Sprite while laughing at a halfway amusing article in your paper. Don't get hopeful, the article wasn't funny. I was laughing at the typos. Anyway, I feel that I sustained both physical and emotional trauma from this incident. I am currently debating whether to sue the Streets of Seattle or Sprite for my pain and suffering. Could you please inform me of your current financial status?

Thank you. Wet Keyboard, Sore Throat

Editor's Note: We have no money but lots of lawyers. You should have read the fine print on the SOS wrapper. We aren't liable for any damage you inflict upon yourself while reading our paper. You on the other hand are liable for any slanderous remarks you might make regarding our publication. You will be hearing from our legal representatives shortly.

Dear Editor,

As a member of the Seattle Military Police Department I would like to complain about the excessive size of your publication. On several occasions now some of our more junior officers have completely missed suspects who were hiding behind copies. I ask that you reduce the size immediately and if possibly try to make it more transparent. Unless, of course, you feel that your readers buy it solely because of its dimensions and not because of its content?

Sincerely, Capt FD Williams, Seattle MPD

Dear editor,

I thought that the article you printed on Punxsutawney Phil's death was so terrible! I was really crying. I read the article to my dog and it upset him so much he bit me in the knee. That is when I cried. So I just thought that I'd let you know that I'm going to sue you for a replacement kneecap.

-Kneeless in Seattle

Editor's Note: We are sorry for your pain but if you read the back page (the teeny tiny print - I think it was in Sanskrit in the edition you are referring to) you would see that in reading our paper you agree to waive the right to sue for any and all damage that results from your actions. But we will be sending you a free 3-edition subscription to SOS. We look forward to having you as a reader for many years to come.

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**SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION**

**By Samcrazy**

Home alone with nothing do to?  Are the sticky Valentines chocolates melting on the kitchen counter getting you down? THEN WAIT NO LONGER!  CALL…

DIAL A SOS DATE

Had a recent Valentines Day break-up with your boyfriend? Rebounding in odd directions and dating any old shmoe that happens to pass by?  Then don't punish yourself any longer!  Dial 0800-I AM DESPERATE AND WILLING TO DATE ANY OLD SHMOE FOR A LOW FEE OF FIFTY DOLLARS and you'll find that your love-life will immediately perk up!

Our dates have been trained in the art of obedience so they won't get away! *

They will begin to clean up your house, getting rid of any of those unsightly marks your ex left behind! All come with a license to burn any of his possessions that may be hanging around your house!

** So just sit back and relax as your date dumps all the Valentines trash that you have left over!

The Streets of Seattle have a fine range of guys or girls who have agreed *** to participate in an act of community service, that means any of you are entitled to date one of these fun **** people!

Some people in this section are:

The illustrious JENNEM, our very own Ed-in Chief is ready and willing to clean away all your Valentines rubbish and show you a good time!  She loves to eat ***** and is great for a chat! ******

Our rhyming star DAF9 is always up for a date and loves to tidy up the house!  She is great at writing romantic poems and is frequently found writing the odd sonnet! *******

Want a bookworm who loves to talk about…well books?  Then WEIRDARCHIVE is the one for you!  He is the king of knowledge ******** and finds it fun to take out your Valentines trash!

Ever wanted to date a cyborg who could rip your heart out without even breaking a sweat?  No? ********* Well OLGERTH is the one for you! He doesn't clean up the house…he'd probably burn it down instead.

With these and many more you can find happiness in just one phone call!  So get rid of that Valentines junk and date a SOS writer today!

*The streets of Seattle do not give refunds if you happen to leave the door open and they get out

**Requesting to view this license does affect your rights to keeping your date and subsequently you will have to pay a thirty-dollar fee to send your date back before the specified time of return 

***Probably a lie and the streets of Seattle uphold the right to fib as much as they want so suing doesn't get you anywhere

****Another lie, most of them haven't seen the light of day for three months due to them being chained to their desks

*****We advise that you keep pencils out of her reach

******She has a electric cattle prodder and frequently uses it on annoying people who bother her when she is eating the aforementioned pencils

*******Lies, all lies

********There is no basis for this title and again we hold the right to add any crap like this into our articles

*********You really have little choice in the matter

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Just been through a tough break up with your other-half?  Having a hard time deciding how you should mend your broken heart?  Try Valentrash Gumbo!

Ingredients:

Five grams of squashed chocolates

Fifty grams of stolen CD's (preferably your ex's favourite bands)

A sprinkle of torn up love letters

The arm of a Valentine's teddy bear

Chopped up photographs of your ex

A spoonful of your boyfriend's cologne

Before starting, shell the CD's and snap into smaller pieces, watching for fragments incase they fly in odd directions.  Mix together the arm, love letters and the photographs and boil over a hot flame.  If the arm sets on fire use a little of your boyfriend's cologne to encourage the flame.  When the arm begins to burn quickly, add the crushed Valentine chocolate to coat it.  When the arm has begun to disintegrate add the CD fragments and stir.  After twenty minutes place the Gumbo in a pot and marvel at the wonder of home cooking!

Not the cooking type?  Then try sending you're ex a message by making an After-Valentine's day prank!

I bet you've heard of the old 'sugar in the gas tank' joke!  Well, take it a step further with the 'Valentine's chocolate in the gas tank' joke!  This is bond to eliminate those angry, negative emotions and turn them into laughter!

Melt down all the Valentine's chocolate that your ex gave you in a pan over the stove.  Allow the melted chocolate to cool and pour into a container and store the fridge over night.  

In the morning wake early and drive over to your ex's house, making sure to keep a low profile.  Simply creep up to his car and pour the chocolate through the hole into the fuel tank!  Retreat to a safe distance, making sure that you remain hidden and when your ex tries to start the car watch as his engine splutters!

The Streets of Seattle have something else to offer you!  We have approximately thirty electronic taggers for sale and can offer them to you for low, low prices!  

So you may be wondering how you can install one of these on your ex?

Sorry, that's your problem.  

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**ENTERTAINMENT**

LOCAL THEATER PRESENTS "CATS" 

**_By Dark999Moon_**

Yes, the once popular Musical is back in Town and this time with a new twist. The show, which ran last night, has only three actors and is not really in a theater. Instead it will be shown in the alleyway behind the Streets of Seattle Building. The hopeful actors will try to recover from the concussions given to them by all the items thrown at them from the SOS employees so as to put on the show again tonight. No tickets are necessary to view this interesting show, but the actors ask that donations of food or food like objects be thrown or given to the actors.

An interview with one of the actors, who would like to remain nameless for safety reasons, proved very insightful. He told this SOS reporter, "Yah, me and a few of my buddies found part of a script in a dumpster. We hope that it is for Cats, since none of us has ever seen it before. Please let me up now, you am hurting me."

This SOS reporter will definitely be there tonight and as long as the show runs, selling random bits of soggy paper and shattered plastic to throw: $1 a cup.

OLD FAVORITE CULT SERIES THE GONG SHOW RETURNS WITH LATIN FLAVOR! 

**_By Weirdarchive_**

Perhaps it was inevitable that old shows would come back as new hits 12 years after the Pulse and the emergence of limited martial law knocked the Hollywood Community for a loop. With film vaults containing such old favorites like ALL IN THE FAMILY, M*A*S*H, KNIGHT RIDER, and MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN becoming dated and worn out, new television moguls from Canada and the Latin Community are bring back such fare as the sci fi series SLIDERS and STEPHEN KING'S GOLDEN YEARS, soap operas THE EDGE OF NIGHT and SEARCH FOR TOMORROW, reality programs like COPS and PEOPLE'S COURT (with a few notable changes like a military judge), and coming soon...THE GONG SHOW! That's right. The bane of many television critics of the time is making a comeback and this time, it's Latino, Baby!

Since 2005 when the Latin American Television Association was formed to create and distribute hit series with a Latin flavor and background, many of the creations of the late great game show producer Chuck Barris has been translated successfully into the huge television market of Central and South America as well as the Caribbean powers of Cuba and the Hispanola Republic (comprising of Haiti and the Dominican Republic). The most notable of these revivals is the old bad talent comedy amateur hour THE GONG SHOW, now playing its tenth season since 2011 in most of the Latin market, Europe, Japan, India, and the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone. Its colorful collection of semi-professional talent and completely insane hacks has brought some well-deserved cheer in such hot spots as the A.B.C. (Argentina-Bolivia-Chile) War and the UN Middle East Trusteeship Territory. 

Led by the host Arnie Rojo, the style of the series tends to change from episode to episode and sometimes even from minute to minute. One time, the surviving members of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER showed up doing a skit from THE HONEYMOONERS and within the next minute, the acid techno mariachi band Loco Lobos was doing the theme from 'Peter Gunn' with accompanying dancers. While some of the original series characters like Gene-Gene The Dancing Machine and the Unknown Comic have been revived by their Latin counterparts, most of the show is very original...and at times bizarre even by Latin variety show standards. The rules are still the same.: a panel of three judges gives a performer two minutes or so to do their schtick. If the act manages to impress them, they're scored by talent, originality, and utter guts with the winner receiving a cheap glided trophy and a check equal to the standard rate of a day's work in the Screen Actors Guild. If it doesn't move the judges or if the audience is about to storm the stage....GONG! and the act is escorted away. Like the original show, sometimes there is no winner and Arnie has to pull a special act to keep order, usually an up and coming talent like the newest singing sensation from Japan Aeon. While the first version of THE GONG SHOW didn't give many big breaks to its talent, some of the hottest acts in Europe, Asia, and Latin America have done the revived show as either the winning talent or on tour on behalf of their growing fan base.

While details on how the revived American version are still being ironed out, it's confirmed that Arnie (fluent in English and Japanese as well as Spanish) will be the host for the English version and that the winning prize will be more tuned to the present economic climate. Most of the talent, whether they're gonged or not, will receive a ration card and a free lunch. The winning talent will be given an unspecified amount of cash and enough barter material equal to $250 in post-Pulse currency. It's not known if there will be casting calls for the new Gene-Gene or Unknown Comic, but talent searches for the new band are under way. A special number for anyone willing to go the distance on the new GONG SHOW will be posted in newspapers and television within several weeks.

REMAKE OF DARK ANGEL 

FOX announces remake of "Dark Angel" to be aired in the fall of 2021 The remake of this old pre-pulse hit will star Molly Dims as the Bimbo and George Clooney as Captain Don.

MOVIE LISTINGS 

**_By WEIRDARCHIVES_**

**TOUCH AND FEELING**_, 2005, starring Jennifer Connelly, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, and Josh Hartnett._ Written and directed by David Lynch. Unrated. There's a lot to be said about the late David Lynch and his work. Bold, daring, original to some...boring, incoherent, inane to others. Still, you can't fault him for trying to make his vision public even when he should've given up on Hollywood after his opus TWIN PEAKS was cancelled. This story deals with a young innocent Kansas girl (Winslet) who, for some unfathomable reason, dreams about a seductive woman (Connelly) wearing only jet-black liquid latex. The dreams become increasingly erotic and terrifying, freaking out her sister (Watts) and her boyfriend (Hartnett) and slowly turns the chaste virgin into something of a sex freak as she becomes a porn star in Denver during an attempt to decipher the nightmares and end the madness...which only gets even more bizarre as the Latex Lady (as some fans of this film have dubbed Connelly's character) reveals herself in due time. Some critics hailed this as Lynch's most uncompromising picture in his career. Others, thankfully, regard it as simple softcore porn gone terribly wrong. While Connelly's appearance in this film is mainly due to her passion for unique roles and her love of the Indie Film which never wavered even after her Oscar win and Watts was a fan of Lynch's, it's baffling that Winslet and Hartnett took roles in this senseless example of kinky eroticism and self fulfilling prophesy that Lynch was trying to express and ultimately failed in the end. Some of his apologists have tried to suggest the Winslet character was symbolic to the late shock rocker Marilyn Manson who appeared in LOST HIGHWAY and was a friend to the director, but most film historians figured Lynch just "needed to get laid more often" as one critic suggested in his scathing review of the picture. This is for Lynch's fans and those who have a thing for starlets in liquid latex. _Contains nudity, adult language, strong sensuality, and bizarre homoerotic acts involving liquid latex and bondage. Parents Strongly Cautioned._

**LOUISIANA CRAWFISH BLUES**_, 2004, Starring Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, Jim Broadbent, and Marisa Tomei. Written by Russell Crowe and directed by Ron Howard. Rated PG-13. _Despite the title implies, this is not about the South or New Orleans or even North America in general. This is about an American expatriate and professional thief named William "Slick Willie" James (Washington) who had retired from the game early on and settled in Australia to enjoy the quiet life and the love of his wife Chloe (Tomei). Alas, William's dreams of going legit as a chef (hence the crawfish reference) are torn asunder by a mysterious Scottish billionaire (Broadbent) who wants him to do one more job: 'steal' his wayward son-in-law Barnes (Crowe in one of his funniest roles to date) and try to have him reconcile with his estranged wife Maxine (Kate Beckinsale) before the divorce is final. As this crime comedy unfolds, William and Barnes suddenly realize they have a lot more in common than just a simple case of kidnapping...especially when Chloe seems to be showing up at inconvenient moments like when Maxine tried to seduce William into giving up the job for a night of uninhibited sex and a cool $5 million. Washington, Crowe, and Howard had been friends for a long time and were eager to do a project together for some time. After dealing with serious drama like TRAINING DAY and A BEAUTIFUL MIND, they were in a mood for a few laughs. The comedy tends to be forced at times and you really wonder if the Washington/Tomei romance could be believable, but Crowe does a good job and the cast had fun doing the picture, which translated well in their performances. While critics panned this as another formula buddy picture, the fans flocked to it and gave their approval at the box office and in the record nine wins at the MTV Movie Awards. It's not like the heady prestige projects that got these gentlemen a total of seven Oscars in their combined careers, but even the best thespian needs to unwind. _Contains strong language, some comedic violence, some comedic sexual situations, and a scene of animal endangerment. Parental guidance is suggested for up to 13 year olds._

**KNOWING ANNE**, _2005, Starring Halle Berry, Minnie Driver, Cameron Diaz, and Greg Kinnear. Directed by Spike Jonze. NC-17_. Halle Berry, in her later years as a three time Oscar winning actress and film producer, was never shy about taking risks like her graphic sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton in MONSTER'S BALL or doing roles that weren't necessarily ideal like her stint as a Bond girl in DIE ANOTHER DAY or tackling subjects and material that some thought impossible for her to do such as co-producing (and one insistence starring in) three of the MY EYES GO GRAY Asian horror films. In KNOWING ANNE, she deals with then taboo subject of black homosexuality as she plays a lesbian courting a shy and very hetero English woman Anne (Driver) who found out her boyfriend (Kinnear) had been fooling around with another woman (Diaz) who in turn had a relationship with Berry's character. The love triangle act gets old rather quickly and you sometimes wonder if Berry (who also produced this film) did this project just to shatter some more misconceptions about herself like whether she didn't want to do lesbian love scenes that bordered on porn, but she does play the role of a lonely woman wanting to have love who just happens to be gay without making a political statement. Driver didn't mind sharing nude scenes and a bed (and a shower...and a closet) with Berry either and their passion had raised some questions and eyebrows in gossip forums if they really had a tryst during the shooting. Diaz quickly recanted her vow never to do love scenes on film when she broke up with her boyfriend Jared Leto, which would explain why she's naked for a good part of the picture. Critically, it's a mixed bag and the box office was lukewarm, but this film has had a cult following in Europe and Japan with weekend screenings playing in India for the tenth year in a row! Ms. Berry showed the world she didn't rest on her laurels. She grew new ones at every turn. _Contains very strong sexual situations, nudity, mild violent acts, homophobia, and a couple glimpses of female and male genitalia. Parents Strongly Cautioned._

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**_BIG JIM'S COMPUTER-PORIUM!_**

**_We've got computers, computer components, computer accessories, and computer parts! Modems, scanners, monitors, hard drives, keyboards, mice, you name it, we've got it!_**

Do they work? Heck, no! But in today's world, what does? Besides, who can afford the electricity?

**_Go wild! Get inspired! Build a fish tanks, furniture, artwork, even a house! This is top-quality plastic and metal just waiting for your creative touch!_**

**_So run on down to_**

**_BIG JIM'S COMPUTER-PORIUM_**

**_Located on the north side of the alley between 6th and Macdougal, look for the blue shower curtain._**

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**FEATURES**

SPRUCING UP YOUR HOUSE FOR SPRING 

**_By SK194_**

Well, it is that time of year again! No, it isn't Christmas. Or Halloween. You guys, it is spring! So now we get to clean, yay! Sprucing up your house for spring is a time-honored tradition, I think, and it is even more important in these dirty times. So lets get sprucing!

Flowers are a springtime classic. Many of us could probably buy flowers, but a cheaper alternative is to grow your own. Or even better yet, steal some from your neighbor who grows his own. But if the flower shop is sold out, your green thumb turned brown and someone else stole your neighbors flowers before you did, then what can you do? Well the cheapest way to decorate your house for spring is to find a dirt clod and draw on your walls with it.

Another thing commonly seen in the spring is Easter paraphernalia. Stuffed animal rabbits and little chirping chicks are a favorite, and you can spread them decoratively throughout your home. You can make rabbit puppets out of socks, and hang them on your walls if you want a cheap way to do it. However, you may have a hard time getting the kids to leave your decorations alone!

For the person willing to spend more money on their spring decorating, I've heard that every few weeks an artwork courtesy of Logan Cale's collection goes on sale. Of course, these are much more money than most of us are willing to spend. Then again, it wouldn't go well in a cardboard condo anyway.

Of course, before you do all of this sprucing, you'll have to clean up all the trash you were using to keep warm with all winter. A really fun way to do this would be to simply shovel it out the door and leave it there. Eventually your neighbors will get so tired of the smell they will move it for you. To thank your neighbors for cleaning up after you, you can offer them the Yak Slime jellybeans you have made and put out on a table, for everyone to take some. The jellybeans are the perfect way to complete your new springtime home!

A PEEP AT PEEPS 

**_By Darkfan4_**

With Easter fast approaching, this reporter decided to look into the mystery surrounding Peeps. The brightly colored, sickeningly sweet, bird-shaped candies have been in constant production since long before the Pulse. That fact is what piqued our interest. Nothing has been in constant production since before the Pulse. Availability of basic food ingredients fluctuates daily, as we are all aware, and even the most popular candies are sometimes unavailable. So why are Peeps the exception?

We took a number of different Peeps to a lab to be tested, and got the answer. Peeps are made of sugar, lots of sugar, lots and lots of sugar. Lots and lots of sugar mixed with whatever else seemed to be handy. Various samples found marshmallow fluff, Styrofoam, egg whites, sawdust, lint, foam insulation, animal by-products, chewing gum, ancient Kool-Whip, yak slime, and artificial snow. Coloring agents ranged from food dye to clothing dye to spray paint.

The question then became, how did the Peeps manufacturers always manage to get enough sugar to disguise their unsavory additions? The current owners refused to comment. I attempted to find the answer, but while following a hot tip was unable to procure any food for 24 hours and had to eat all of the sample Peeps. By the time I got out of the hospital it was too late to do any more research by deadline.

WEEKEND GETAWAYS WITHOUT A SECTOR PASS 

**_By Daf9_**

_Neither the price of gas_

_Nor a sector pass?_

_You're second class!_

_(Alas)._

Once you quit moaning about the "good old days" when travel across the city and even the country was virtually unrestricted, what do you do when you need to get away for the weekend and haven't got a Sector Pass? A straw poll taken in the SOS reporters lounge provided the following suggestions.

1. Redecorate your cardboard condo. This can generally be done by taking a short trip to the nearest dumpster. You might even decide to just relocate to the dumpster temporarily. Saves the bother of moving the stuff.

2. Two words: recreational pharmacology. For details go the library and listen closely to a pre-Pulse recording of the Beatles "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". Be careful not to overdo it though, or your weekend getaway could turn into something more long term.

3. Head down to the docks and dive off the pier. If you squint just right at some of the discarded junk it almost looks like coral. Works even better if you try suggestion 2 first. In no time at all you'll be convinced you're deep sea diving off the Barbados. Complete with exotic creatures.

4. Go to the 49 Club. Lines are so long it'll take you the entire weekend just to be turned away at the door.

If you're really determined to leave Seattle even without a Sector Pass there's one other possibility. There is an employee named Alec at Jam Pony who has been known to "lend" his sector pass to anyone who will agree to do a few deliveries for him.

WHAT TO DYE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE EGGS 

**_By Logans_Babe_**

At a reporting convention at SOS over the weekend one of the topics was tips and ideas for springtime fun. Of course the SOS team came up with some radical ideas that centered around Easter. The main question was what to dye when you don't have eggs. At this point in time, no one but the rich want to waste perfectly good eggs on decorating and coloring when they could be eating them. So the SOS reporters came up with a few ideas to help out for this Easter.

Coloring cardboard cut outs of eggs is one solution. Just "borrow" your neighbor's condo and cut out some shapes. If money is in tight supply and you can't afford dyes, check the alleys for different colored puddles. If you are lucky you will be able to obtain some nice varieties of reds and yellows near bodies and trashcans. The dyes may smell, but at least you'll get some...pretty...colors.

Your neighbor still guarding his condo from the last time you tried to decorate? Don't worry, just grab his cat. Or you can go around the city and claim to be from the animal control center. The more cats you collect the better. This time they are your substitutes for the eggs. Use the same dye, or if you have found a better substitute for urine and blood then use that. Using cats as you "eggs" will definitely challenge your youngsters and get them out of your hair. Just send them off looking for the "eggs". It will take them all day because the cats will never stay in the place that you hid them.

If all else fails you can always use the betting stubs from the "Monty Cora" fight in which you lost everything.

Good luck and Happy Easter from all of the SOS staff.

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**_JUST IN TIME FOR EASTER_**

**_Eggs, chicks, rabbits, lambs, and ducks! And these almost normal creatures are going fast, so hurry up and buy yours today! Delight your kiddies, amaze your friends, eat real meat!_**

Located just three alleys from the Toxic Waste Dump in sector 3, the third sewer on your right.

**_(I am not responsible for any illnesses or injuries that you might suffer)_**

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**SOS COMPANY NEWS**

ANOTHER SCANDAL ROCKS SOS 

**_By DAF9_**

And for once it DOESN'T involve our Mail Girl, CFO and Management Goddess LOGANS_BABE. No, this time it involves our very own reporter DTM and one of our major advertisers and local business mavens, Captain Don.

Just last week the following e-mail was sent to Captain Don here at the SOS offices in error.

Dear Captain Don

This is Jack from Taiwan

DTM was the dentist

Of those teenage girls that you sent us

They're toothless, you conniving old con!

Naturally we were curious as to what it was all about. And since it was a slow news week (except for the CDC scare) we decided to look into it. Particularly since Captain Don made threats both to this reporter and to another SOS reporter if this story was revealed.

Turns out that Captain Don has been kidnapping Seattle teenagers and sending them to various localities in Asia to "entertain" aging businessmen. Where does DTM fit in? Well most of our readers will remember the rumors that went around several months ago that DTM was moonlighting as a dentist and that in that occupation he was exhibiting what some might call an unhealthy fascination with teeth, even for a dentist. It would appear from Jack's e-mail that DTM was either hired or coerced into providing dental care for at least some of these teenage girls prior to their foreign assignments. DTM must have decided that the teeth could be better cared for here in Seattle than by sending them abroad with their owners.

We had hoped to have more details for you after interviewing Jack but unfortunately the local Taiwanese police have informed us that Jack has mysteriously disappeared. He was last seen in the company of a mysterious gentleman named "Dickie". We have also been unable to find DTM. If you have any information concerning the whereabouts of either of these men please contact DAF9 here at SOS.

**_CHANGE OF ADDRESS FORM_**

**_**Change of Address Form for The Streets Of Seattle**_**

(Note only can be used by subscribers to the paper)

((Note only can be used by those who can write))

You--

What name(s) might we know you by?

...................................................................

Are you the person who is stealing my papers every morning? (circle one)

*yes* *maybe* *no*

Old Address--

Was your old address a: (circle one)

*Cardboard Condo* *Blanket* *House* *Apartment* *Warehouse* *Sewer*

Other........................

What was the nearest well-known building to your old address?

...........................

How many alleys away? ........... In which direction? ...............

What was the color of your old address? .....................

New Address--

Is your new a: (circle one)

*Cardboard Condo* *Blanket* *House* *Apartment* *Warehouse* *Sewer*

Other..................

What is the nearest well-known building to your new address?

.............................

How many alleys away? ............ In which direction? ..............

What is the color of your new address? .........................

Please return this form, if you complete it, to The Streets Of Seattle. 

And if you are stealing my papers, please stand outside the building wearing a red shirt wearing a sign that says "Kill Me." Thank you.

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**CLASSIFIEDS**

FOR SALE: pure breed dogs! Yes these dogs have nothing but dog in them! Good pets/guards and taste GREAT! Contact me at the corner of Dismal and Dreary -- we will make a deal. Bring food or money!

WANTED: Investors for an incredible opportunity. Our secret laboratories desperately need funds to build a giant aquarium in which to house our almost perfected snake-whale chimera. At today's prices for snakeskin you will be able to quadruple your money in no time.

Wanted: Buff construction worker for large office complex project. Requirements -Experience with levels, scaffold, basic plumbing, structural steel. Must provide own transportation, chainsaw, and leveling square. Mike @: 899-5457

For Sale: One coffin. Slightly used. Leave message at SOS main office.

Wanted: One Potato. No Questions ask. Bring it to the pier.

PETS OR MEAT: Captain Don's Pier side "Butcher & Pet Shop" is having a sale on fresh healthy Puppies. These little sweeties make great pets or a great meal. First come First served.

MONEY MONEY MONEY! I will buy your troubled teenage daughter!  Yes Captain Don will raise your troubled child and give you money TO!!! It's a win win for you!  Just bring your teenage daughter and any legal paper work to Captain Don.  We have cash, food, teeth, medicine, soap, clothing, and much more at Captain Don's by the pier, your one stop shop for ALL your family's needs.

WANTED: I will pay CASH MONEY US or EURO for info on the "EYES-ONLY" Group. Bring me one or more of the "EYES-ONLY" group dead or alive and you will never need money again! Thanks, Captain Don.

For Sale: junk DNA All colors, sizes, and species! Using our specially patented extraction process we here at Vivadyne Laboratories have learned to remove junk DNA, leaving behind only the good protein-making bits. Unfortunately none of our "experimental subjects" have survived, suggesting this so-called junk DNA is really important for something. Hence we're selling it. Prices vary with sequence. Ask for Robbie who hangs out just around the corner from the Sector 1 checkpoint for details.

Wanted: Dog spit in large quantities. Contact Dr. Lou at Harbor Lights Hospital.

Wanted: "Garbage man" who is willing to deal with very large...trash. Contact Steph@SOS.com

For sale: Cheap!! Puppies 1/2 golden retriever 1/2 sneaky next door neighbors dog come to Foggle towers to make offer

For sale: rose colored glasses. Have you been seeing a lot of strange things in your neighborhood recently? People who don't look quite right? Accidents from which people get up and walk away when they should have been seriously injured? Buy a pair of rose-colored glasses...and make the world look right again. On sale now at a burning trash bin near you.

WANTED: Fresh human body hair.  We also have a need for large fresh Scabs, toenail clippings, and baby teeth. Cash or Trade, Captain Don

NEEDED. Oxygen tanks (full) and a small fast boat, reasonable rates paid, no questions asked.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/darkangelfans/messages?msg=6658.1


	20. Summer Edition

**Visit the Dark Angel Fans Forum at http://forums.delphiforums.com/darkangelfans to participate in Streets of Seattle and other Dark Angel projects.******

**STREETS OF SEATTLE******

**EDITION 46, 2020******

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.___

**Editor-in-Chief: Jennem1**

**Senior Editor: DAF9**

**Chief Reporter: WeirdArchive**

**Chief Contributing Reporter: Dark999Moon**

**Conspiracy Girl/Mouse Goddess: 2ndmousevv**

**Contributing Reporter: DCRracing**

**Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess: Logans_Babe**

**Contributing Reporter: SK452**

**Contributing Reporter: Melasand**

**Contributing Reporter: X5422**

**Contributing Reporter: ****Lucifer6lexi **

**Contributing Reporter: Captdonlover** ****

**Contributing Reporter: Sebastian310**

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_SCHOOLS CONSIDER CANCELING SUMMER VACATION   
_****_By SK452 _**

To the horror of many students, local schools are considering the cancellation of summer vacation. I went to the school board office for their position on this matter, however they said they had no idea what I was talking about. Evidentially the news wasn't supposed to have been released yet. Something about, "causing an uproar, and undesired premature complaints." 

With the school board declining to comment, I moved my investigation to a local elementary school. Upon inquisition I discovered that all of the children knew about the possibility of losing their summer freedom. Some of the older students were even in the middle of designing a revolt. However most of the kids shared the same opinion as ten-year-old Alexander who said, "If they still have school in the summer time, I just won't go. It's not like school is required anymore anyway." 

With this information I became curious as to why canceling summer vacation would be considered anyway. I decided to ask the teachers.   
"Well," said second grade teacher, Mrs. Madison, "it was our [the teacher's] idea. We figured that the only kids who will show up are the few whose parents force them. So we figure we get paid for minimal work if school's in session in summer." 

So there you have it then. If all the children attend school in the summer, within a week summer vacation will undoubtedly be restored. What with the teacher's evil plot being ruined and all. So kids, go to school if you don't want to go to school. And especially if you hate your teacher. 

**_SECTOR POLICE KILL 'FREAK OF THE WEEK'  
_****_By Dark999moon_**

Did the Sector Police kill a real monster? Do we need to fear for our lives because of other such crazy half humans? What really did happen to the body of that creature? How many questions can one use to start an article? Who is stealing my paper? The answers to these pressing questions are:   
My next-door neighbor Eddi is stealing my paper (I caught her at it, she sells it on the black market as toilet paper then).   
Five questions.   
I have what looks a lot like the body of the creature and will sell souvenir bits for $5 an ounce.   
Yes   
And Yes!   
The vicious monster that our brave, loyal, and handsome sector police killed was part of a privately funded program to create horrific freaks for TV talk shows. I have this from a very reliable source who has it from a very reliable other source who has it from another very reliable source who heard it from   
the person who was feeding the TV freaks! 

However, these TV 'Freaks of the Week' as they were to be called, have escaped and found their way onto other quality TV programming, like the news and serious dramas. I have heard that one has even been hired to ring the gong on the new Gong Show! Fear for your lives, fear for your minds! These evil creatures have infiltrated TV in an attempt to make us pay them more money when they do go on talk   
shows! We will be watching these freaks on our favorite shows until Jerry Springer Clones Limited writes a better contract for them!   
So send post cards and notes to this company and get the Freaks off our streets and out of our favorite shows! 

**_POLICE BRUTALITY TAKES A STARTLING TURN_**

**_By LUCIFER6LEXI _**

Prior to the release of the transgenics, it was considered reasonably safe to walk through the streets. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. The surprising thing is, this new level of danger comes not from those sad, mixed-up animals, but from our own police. Funny how the people supposed to protect us from danger are always the ones we have to watch out for. When martial law was inflicted upon us, conditions almost mirrored the current level of violence on the street. Police everywhere, always looking to either   
rip you off and/or beat you to the ground. Then a pattern emerged, if you carried around some money, you could get off with minor little injustices and get back to living your life. 

But now we're back to square one, practically killing people in the name of the law. The only difference now is that they believe their cause is just, so money doesn't work too well in keeping them off of you. The only thing I can think to compare them to, are groups such as lynch mobs, nazi's, and your basic fill in the blank supremacists. They don't care who they beat up, as long as it's not one of them. And if someone even thinks of hitting back, well, they must be an enemy so why not just kill them? That transgenic, who beat up those cops the other day? When the full tape was shown, all I could see was the cops beating up another poor citizen who finally decided he didn't want to die. Those cops would have done the same to anybody on that street, but the transgenic, who was their main goal after all, just happened to be there, so they had a chance to make it look like they were protecting the people. I guess a point that could be made is that by the cops, we are treated the same way as these transgenics, so why don't we try and treat the transgenics a little more humanly, and maybe eventually prove that nobody deserves this kind of treatment. 

**_ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON REVEREND TERRY CALDWELL   
_****_By DARK999MOON _**

Yesterday someone apparently tried to shoot the 'good' Reverend Terry Caldwell. Too bad they missed! This man has been stirring up trouble for this city since he arrived! Along with hating so called 'transgenics' he also hates Jews, Catholics, Dogs, Seagulls, People named 'Ed' and me (boy that man sure can't take a joke…light his car on fire ONCE and [deleted for profanity], I mean really). So I say please, please, please learn how to shoot a gun before you try and kill him again! 

Also, his alleged attacker will be well enough to stand trial after going to the hospital after accidentally shooting off his left foot, his right ear, half of his nose, the last three fingers on his left hand, and a few other bits of himself (ouch). His only comments on why he shot at the Reverend were, "Holy [deleted for profanity]! I shot off my [deleted for profanity]! Stupid [deleted for profanity] gun!" What this cryptic message means, or why he chose the Reverend is still unknown. 

_SECTOR POLICE FUNDRAISER A HIT   
__by Melasand_

It was a bright Easter Sunday down at the pier, in spite of the occasional shower of rain. Today marked the first annual 'Captain Don fundraiser for the Sector police, and things were certainly going well, with many visitors and a party atmosphere. Several live bands played throughout the day, food and drink were plentiful, and reasonably priced. There were several stalls, including a kissing booth run by some of Captain Don's teenage girls, which seemed to be very popular with many of the visiting Sector police, who were wandering around getting to know people. (There was almost a nasty moment when some of them ran into 'Dickie' and realized they had found the guy who beat them up, but several of the girls quickly diffused the situation). 

In addition there were several games of chance, which seemed to appeal to the men, card games and raffles. The competition to win one of the sector passes kindly provided by the sector police was fierce. While the women seemed to enjoy being able to just wander around chatting, without the worry of what their children were up to, as there were plenty of people on h   
and to watch them and keep them entertained with stories and games as well as events arranged just for them. 

The petting farm was especially popular with the younger children, the favorite animals being the kittens, puppies and rabbits. Another popular event was the Easter egg hunt, which the children participated in with gusto, thought the eggs were surprisingly hard to find, having been hidden by 'Icepick', who seemed to be under the impression the children were not supposed to find them. Still all was well when several of the older girls discovered them in an old warehouse. 

Medical attention was on hand for any who overindulged in the chocolate. I was lucky enough to be escorted round by the Captain himself, there was certainly plenty going on, and undoubtedly a great time was had by all, with many people expressing the hope that this will now become a regular event. 

Proceeds raised by this event will be going to one of the Captains charities for the sector police. 

**_SPACE NEEDLE GRAFFITI DECODED   
_****_By DARK999MOON _**

From secret messages to who to call for a really good time, you can find it all on our very own Space Needle! And this SOS reporter went to great lengths to copy down and translate all of it, well most of it. A few of the more difficult codes are as follows:   
"RR luvs MC 4evr"   
"MG! LC mz's u"   
"MG cant 4get u LC!"   
and this cryptic message:   
!!EID AHSA IED

However, this SOS reported did translate the part of a long boring novel written on the underneath of the top of the Space Needle, in German, by Stephen King's clone's evil twin…boy you would think that with t  
hose genetics he would be able to write! I will sell copies of the translated novel (written on old editions of SOS papers) for $4 a piece! 

Some of the more interesting messages that I have figured out are: "Virus B!tch Goin Down" (this is obviously a code telling to once powerful Metalhead gang where to attack next)   
OC (a picture of a heart)'s D (this tells people trying to buy blood from the black market where to look)   
For a reel gode tim, cal Jimmi 1-234-567-898-7654 (though this looks like a badly spelled version of the 'for a good time' message, really this is telling people who buy black market films where to go, the directions are in the 'phone number') 

Not only are there multiple hidden messages, and not so hidden ones, on the Space Needle, there are also many wonderful works of art. If you look closely there is a Joshua (# 231) on the East side about halfway up. There are many unsigned works, mostly of 'naughty acts' and 'explicit genitalia'. At first I thought I had found a wonderfully done work of two people doing it at the bottom, but they ran off when I got close, so I knew they were real (and you two, I know who you are, and where you work! Also, remember, some people SLEEP on those park benches!). 

I am going to keep working on those remaining messages! And why don't you all do so also? Send me a message you have decoded from the Space Needle or just your favorite bit of graffiti from it! 

**_PUPPIES IN THE SOUP   
_****_By MELASAND _**

This week a local Seattle restaurant was closed down by the board of health following allegations that they were using dog meat in their dishes. Patrons of this now extremely popular restaurant have reacted angrily, saying that the meat used was obviously of a high quality, and the food served there was superb with an obvious 'euro' flavor to it. As is well known meat is increasingly hard to come by in post pulse America, so this reporter has set out to discover the truth behind this story. 

As I suspected he would be, the restaurant owner was unavailable for comment, however I caught up with the manager in 'Crash' a well-known local bar. He had already consumed several glasses of alcohol. My offer to provide him with more seemed to place him in a very talkative mood. First he started by explaining to me the difficulties in obtaining fresh meat for the restaurant trade. Then he continued his story telling me about an advertisement he had seen offering quality puppy meat for sale at reasonable prices. He naturally at once set off to track down this supply of meat. After another glass of the local brew, he confided in me that he ended up at the pier, at the establishment of Captain Don, (one of Seattle's more colorful residents.) The Captain it emerged had just returned from a lengthy trip to the Philippines and had brought back with him a load of quality puppies. 

_NOTE (As I'm sure our readers will be aware there was a nationwide crusade in the 90's to control the pet population across America. Add to this the sudden and unexplained decline in the dog population after the pulse, and there are now relatively few native dogs in America. Therefore most dogs in America today are imported from abroad.) _

By now slightly bleary eyes and slurring a little, the manager confided in me that these puppies were ones the Filipinos did not want. He looked over the puppies and found several of them had mange. (A parasitic skin condition affecting dogs, foxes, wolves, etc. It is caused by a mite burrowing under the skin and laying its eggs. This causes extreme itching in the dogs and often results in fur loss.) (While other animals and even humans may suffer from this condition, it is caused by different mites to those which affect the canine population.) In an effort to cut down on costs and increase profits the manager bought mainly these puppies for the restaurant. Thinking that a skin condition would not affect the meat. The manager continued his story, (by this time he was very drunk,) by telling me that the freshly killed carcasses were delivered to the restaurant and left in the care of the chef, who assured the manager the meat would be fine to use. However again in the interests of profit (though in this case it remains uncertain whose) some of the skin found it's way into the dishes. It was in fact this mangy skin which produced the taste sensation which so many patrons have gone wild for. They in fact believed the meat to have been cooked in an exciting new way, which gave it its so-called 'euro' flavor that they are raving about. In fact so popular is this new taste sensation that some of the ore affluent patrons have actually protested about the closure of the restaurant. It is further reported that threatening letters have been sent to the board of health. 

Unfortunately before I was able to find out any more information the manager passed out on the floor in a drunken stupor and was removed from the bar. My attempts to contact him again have proved unsuccessful. Therefore in the interests of truthful and accurate reporting, this reporter intends to continue her investigations in this matter, possibly heading to the pier in the hopes of tracking down the sometimes elusive Captain Don. Hopefully I will be able to bring you more news on this story in the near future. Possibly (if I am successful in my endeavors) an interview with the Captain himself. 

**_PIZZA INDUSTRY SUFFERING   
_****_by SK194 _**

Local markets currently have enormous quantities of tomatoes. The first thought of tomatoes retailers, was to give the excess tomatoes to the pizza industry. They hoped, that in return they might have gotten several free pizzas. Unfortunately though, there is also an extreme shortage of wheat. "It's crazy!" noted pizza delivery boy, Rafer. "I should just stick with being a paramedic! When you deliver crust-less pizzas, people think it's your fault and you get no tip." Then Rafer had to leave, as a huge, angry mob rounded the corner, shouting about how he ruined their pizza and 'how dare he.' Interestingly, the mob was throwing many, many tomatoes. So perhaps the huge excess of tomatoes will subside soon. Then Seattle citizens will have only to deal with the lack of wheat. 

"It doesn't bother me a bit!" says the person I asked about the wheat shortage. His appearance reminded this reporter of a squirrel. "I'm allergic to wheat anyway, so it makes it much easier for me to find edible food in dumpsters." 

Now I offer, the Top 10 things to do with extra tomatoes...   
10. Throw them at Rafer. (look for a very old ambulance)   
9. Throw them at the mysteriously returning hover drones (but watch out for sector cops)   
8. Take them to that performance of "Cats"...   
7. Make crustless pizza.   
6. Use them as protection against transgenics.   
5. Convert them into a power source.   
4. Build a huge, red tomato snowman.   
3. Paint your cardboard condo red- it'll last until it rains...   
2. Have tomatoes "mysteriously" fall on your neighbor's head, repeatedly.   
1. Make a documentary about, what else, tomatoes. 

**_PIE EATING CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF PIES   
_****_By MELASAND_**

The cancellation of the local pie eating contest has been duly noted by the residents of Seattle with much disappointment, after all how often do we get the chance of free food? Sadly there is a lack of pies available for the contest even though a local businessman offered to provide the fillings. (Well something's got to be done with all that puppy and seal; meat no ones buying) The dearth of pies is due to two basic facts. 

1 Due to excessive rainfall damp grain was harvested, unfortunately this dampness has promoted the growth of a particularly nasty fungus, which has a hallucinogenic effect when the grain or the resulting flour is used, the fungus survives the cooking process and has affected several people before it was discovered. (Could this be one of the reasons for so many odd sitings in and around our fair city?) 

2 Unfortunately the remaining flour from last years harvest has been attacked by weevils rendering it unusable. 

Residents of Seattle are working round these difficulties with their normal stoic spirits. Appeals for flour have been made to bake the pies, and though some has been forthcoming not nearly enough for the contest has been collected. Though the collection goes on. There are several unconfirmed rumors of flour being for sale though the price is rumored to be upward of $40. Another rumor circulating is that a local businessman and entrepreneur has bought up all the pie plates in the Seattle area, why remains a mystery, maybe he just really likes pies, whatever the reason if this is true it is hoped he will make the plates available for use in the contest as organizers hope it will still be possible to stage the contest. At the moment they are looking into shipping in flour from an outside source. 

Whatever the outcome we know the residents of our city are still looking forward to the contest and are honing their appetites for the big day. Hopefully it will take place in the not too distant future. 

For those of you who have been unlucky enough to consume products made from contaminated flour, no there are no large eyed bright winged angels flying around Seattle, and no demons either it is all pure hallucination. On the other hand there are several Goddesses hanging out at the SOS offices who feel it is their right to be worshiped. Any offerings for these benign deities may be left at the SOS offices care of the writing staff. 

**_DAF9 THREATENS YOUNG GIRL_**

**_By CAPTDONLOVER _**

In shocking allegations late Tuesday night, a girl stepped forward and admitted to receiving threatening messages from DAF9 for no apparent reason. DAF9 is reported to have warned that she was armed with "a doorknob launcher and a Civil War cannon." 

"It is horrible," admits the young woman, who wished to remain anonymous. "I keep seeing them where ever I go. I think she's stalking me. And this isn't the first time, either. My boyfriend, he writes for the Streets, and he says he's got some dirt on her. I bet you there are a few bodies in her closet -- literally! I don't want to become the next one!" With those vehemently spoken words, the lass broke into tears and had to be taken away from the interview. 

Police and Jenn have not answered our letters and phone calls, but we ask the general public to apprehend DAF9 and deal with this baby-scarer in the best way possible -- unrestrained mob action. 

**_DAF9 HIRED AILING JOHNNY COCHRANE _**

**_By CAPTDONLOVER _**

In a shocking find, the Streets has learned that one of their own, Ms. DAF9, has hired the infamous lawyer, Johnny Cochrane, to defend herself in a trial of allegations stemming from alleged abuse and threatening notes to a young girl. What prompted this sudden hire of THE best lawyer of the 1990s? We aren't sure, but if Mr. Cochrane's previous clients are anything to judge by, it doesn't look too good for Ms. 9's innocence. 

**_YET ANOTHER SOS SCANDAL. WILL THEY NEVER END??   
_****_By DAF9 _**

Those of you lucky enough to be employed probably already know about the latest government outrage to be perpetrated on all tax-paying citizens of our fair city. Yes, I'm talking about DNA testing. The staff and management here at SOS were tested last week and we were all somewhat surprised at Jennem1's ultimately unsuccessful efforts to avoid the procedure. According to Samcrazy, Jennem just doesn't like needles but the more cynical amongst us thought there might be something more to it than that. Acting on those suspicions, an anonymous reporter managed to bribe the testing company to release Jennem's results. No wonder Jennem didn't want to be tested. Turns out she is one of those Julia Roberts clones secretly created by Hollywood back in the 90's and released just before the Pulse. 

So what all Seattle wants to know: Now her secret is out what is Jennem planning to do? 

_Editor's note: Jennem is planning to star in a sequel to Pretty Woman, and make enough to get the hell out of this dump…I mean fabulous working environment with stimulating colleagues._

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

***SPECIAL***   
Do you worry how you will protect your Cardboard Condo while you are away?   
Has your guard dog been stolen? Here is a bright new idea from the people who brought you other bright new ideas like Edible Shoes and Grow Your Own Spouse! It's Protective Plants!!!!   
Yes half flower/half beastie these plants will guard your condo AND brighten the place up!   
We have such interesting mixes as:   
Rosewiler   
Dandy Lion   
Snap Komodo Dragon   
Tiger Lily   
And Many More!   
Come to the Toxic Waste D...um Garden in sector 9, bring lots of things to trade!   
NO REFUNDS! 

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**INTERNATIONAL NEWS**

**_RUSSIAN GENERAL REFUSES TO LEAVE CHECHNYA   
_****_By SEBASTIAN310 _**

When the Russian government this morning announced that a complete withdrawal of all troops from Chechnya would take place, ending 20 years of fighting in the area, it set off a jubilee among the thousands of 'Save the Chechens' activists the world over (the Chechens themselves were also head over heels about the news, quite understandably) But their celebrations were cut short because, in a furious TV address to the whole nation, the Russian general in charge of the Chechnyan campaign, Sergei Karamzin, has said he will NOT pull out his forces, vowing to fight on against Chechen partisans until the breakaway republic "reaffirms full and total Russian sovereignty over its affairs". 

This astounding move has left the Russian government feeling sucker punched. General Karamzin's interpretation of his orders in Chechnya has always been famously open, but no one expected a move this brash! And just wait; it gets better! During his television address, Russian President Natasha Kournikova phoned up personally and ordered him to get his troops out of there. He flatly refused, telling her just where she could stick her orders(that bit was censored) and saying "Mother Russia is once again a great country, and I will not let her be put to shame by a bunch of flea-bitten bandits with delusions of grandeur!" 

Many political analysts have suggested that the pride of Mother Russia may not be the real reason the General has refused to pull out of Chechnya. The nations of Europe have long been criticizing the Russians' track record in Chechnya, but some shady sources say that there is a healthy interest amongst them in keeping the powerful Russian army bogged down in Chechnya, healthy enough for them to consider bribing Karamzin into refusing to withdraw. 

Whatever the reason, getting Karamzin out of Chechnya won't be easy. He far and away commands the best part of the Russian army, with the best equipment and the most seasoned troops. This will make it very difficult for Moscow to force him out of Chechnya, and Karamzin made it crystal clear that he will resist any armed attempts to bring his campaign to a close. The last thing President Kournikova wants is a civil war, so, for now, the solution seems to be at the negotiating table(phew!) 

How well President Kournikova handles this situation will probably determine her future in the Kremlin. It also raises questions about how far the Russian generals can be trusted; and certainly casts a specter of doubt over the issue of Chechen independence. ****

**_WORLD REACTION OF TRANSGENICS RANGING FROM HOSTILE TO   
ACCEPTANCE...WITH A PRICE   
_****_By WEIRDARCHIVE _**

While the Federal Government and the Military Tribunal have been in the grips of the greatest witch hunt since the Red Scare, the 9-11 Terrorist Alerts, and the Dark Months Riots, world reaction to the so-called Transgenics Problem has been more mixed. From the extremes like calls for genetic testing and internment of suspected Transgenics by the French ultra-conservative party National Front to bestowing citizenship and military commissions by the rogue Republic of Alaska and the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone, the question of the genetically enhanced at birth has been problematic to governments and religious sects alike. The following report will profile some of the most notable incidents, both in the hatred of the Manticore Breed (as some have dubbed the Transgenics) and in the begrudging acceptance from those some Transgenics have distastefully called 'Normal', as well as their own growing movements to either be considered as equals with the rest of the human race or to create a homeland for themselves and exclude 'Normals'.: 

THE NORTHERN AMERICAN CONTINENT: We are all familiar with the present crisis in the US. At present, every major city and military district has been put on a Level 3 Alert due to the hostility of the Transgenics to the Sector Police and Federal authority and their desire to remain free and alive. Alas, the specter of racism, thought dealt with to some degree with the destruction of the remaining extremist session movements like Christ's Land and the Holy Aryan Empire of North America, has returned in force with some of the Neo-Luddite terrorist groups like the May 22nd Movement throwing in their support to 'cleanse the world of the Transgenic Scourge' as one unnamed member put it. This new alliance, called the Purity Brigade or the Humanity League by some, have been reported to be suspect in 150 acts of terrorism against suspected Transgenics and their sympathizers as well as some biotech laboratories and even a few non-related facilities such as solar plants and windmill preserves. Some of the most violent acts have occurred in Seattle, Chicago, New York, Portland, Los Angeles, Salt Lake City, Louisville, Atlanta, Bentonville, AR, and Washington D.C. itself. The Burning X, the unofficial symbol of the genetically pure, has been sighted as far away as the Free Mexican States, the Dallas Free Zone, Cuban-occupied Florida (which some of the Florida Liberation Front have considered to be a double symbol for freeing the area from both Cuban and Transgenics influence), Toronto, the Quebec Free State, and the Republic of Alaska. As of yet, the Federal Government have made some attempts at quashing some of the more vocal and violent anti-Transgenics groups, citing public safety and the possibility of inflaming age old racial and religious strife such as attacks on Jewish and Arab peoples. They've also cracked down on several confidence schemes related to Transgenics such as so-called blood tests called Genetic Purity Detectors where, according to the product, 'a drop of blood can tell you whether your employee or bride-to be is human or a freak' and even anti-Transgenics devices like the 'Freak-Buster' smoke bomb that is nothing more like a standard smoke grenade with coloring and incense mixed in for effect. While figures are as yet unavailable, duped and terrified citizens on such useless and potentially dangerous products have spent a rumored $10 million dollars. On the other end of the spectrum, the Republic of Alaska and Canada have been open with their granting asylum to fleeing Transgenics, despite protests from the Federal government and by their own citizens. There have been some rumors that Cuba and some of the Free Mexican States like Yucatan and Maya have been considering giving refuge to Transgenics in exchange for military servitude. As of press time, the United North American Tribes have yet to announce its position on the Transgenics until the Springtime Agenda Discussion for the Tribal Congress has been concluded. Some have theorized the unusual length of the annual meeting and deliberation is mostly due to filibusters from the Amish communities who view any modern tampering of the genetic code as sinful and by some of the Wiccan Covens who also consider Transgenics as abominations. There are also rumors of a Transgenic Nationalist movement, beginning within the polluted and inhospitable region known as Terminal City of Seattle and now gaining strength in San Francisco, San Diego, Yuma, Little Rock, Ontario, and Winnipeg. No one knows the exact platform of this movement, but calls for equality and the right to exist have been repeated through underground newspapers and pirate transmissions similar to Eyes Only by those few Transgenic spokesmen fortunate enough to escape capture. As of yet, no one in the 'Normal' community of the US has even acknowledged the possibility of Transgenic rights within the Constitution. Such discussions are prohibited by the Level Three Alert and may not be raised for some time to come. 

SOUTH AMERICA: Owing to the ongoing chaos stemming from the A.B.C. (Argentine-Brazil-Chile) War, official government policy dealing with Transgenics has been sketchy at best. Rumors of Transgenics serving as mercenaries for the chance at citizenship on the winning side have been dismissed as propaganda by all the combatants involved and some human rights groups have received unconfirmed reports of specialized death camps within occupied Bolivia and Uruguay catering to their unique genetic make-up and resistance to most biological and chemical agents. The only reliable report thus far in this region was from the BBC dealing with a group of X-5s fighting off Argentine jets in a commandeered gunboat off the Falkland Islands. Their fate and destination (rumored to be Antarctica) is as yet unknown, though five jets were shot down in the melee. 

EUROPE: By far, the most violent anti-Transgenic riots outside of the US have been in France, especially in Paris, Cannes, Vichy, and Calais where the pro-French National Front Party have been drumming up support to 'keep France pure', advocating the internment of suspected Transgenics for eventual deportation, and even going as far as wooing former targets of hate like the Muslim and African communities for an alliance on 'humanity levels'. Others in the European Community have been far more tolerate of Transgenics, with the Netherlands, Denmark, Germany, Sweden, Belgium, and Scotland passing proclamations allowing them to apply for citizenship in those respective countries. Italy, Spain, Portugal, Monaco, Poland, and the Baltic Countries have been less inclined to join their Northern members due to the Catholic Church's influence owing to its own stance against genetic engineering. Ireland is the lone heavily Catholic country to break from the Vatican and is considering allowing Transgenics refuge on a case-by-case basis. The Northern Irish Free Republic, Great Britain, the Czech Republic, Slovenia, Austria, Norway, Finland, and the Balkans have elected to stay neutral for the time being, only allowing Transgenics protection while they make other arrangements for transport to other countries. Switzerland, Luxembourg, San Marino, Malta, and Liechtenstein are the only countries with anti-Transgenic laws on the books. As of yet, there has been no notable Transgenic Nationalist movement here, though the National Front has been using it as a scare tactic for recruitment. Only Germany, the Netherlands, and Sweden have given some consideration to recognizing such a movement as a legitimate political force, tempering such reasoning with restraint owing to the mishaps that occurred with the Palestinians prior to Operation Jericho's Wraith. 

AFRICA: Considering its own regional conflicts, a unified policy dealing with Transgenics in the Dark Continent is as difficult to obtain as a cease-fire in the Congo. Depending on the country, Transgenics are either welcomed as soldiers of fortune or ruthlessly hunted down by the various tribal warlords or military governments. South Africa is trying to dispel the rumor that it only seeks to give Transgenics sanctuary in exchange for their genetic code for its own so-called Super Soldier Projects. Its abuses with cybernetics on prisoners have been documented by Amnesty International and the organization has been reported in helping imprisoned Transgenics both foreign and South African escape to friendlier shores. Only the Angolan-Namibian Confederacy has openly recognized a proposed Transgenics Homeland and has sent agents to court suspected members into going to their country to establish   
such a haven. Whether it's an actual attempt at reconciling or a cover for their own genetic warfare experiments is not clear. 

THE UN MIDDLE EAST TRUSTEESHIP TERRITORY: This region has been suggested by members of the American Senate and the French National Front as a possible Transgenic Homeland if and when a global policy dealing with them is established. With much of the area still irradiated and contaminated with various biological and chemical weapons from the Talibans' and Iraq's attack on Israel and its own M.A.D. response known as Operation Jericho's Wraith, no normal human could realistically survive for long. Some of the major cities like Mecca, Haifa, and Basra are still very much intact with usable machinery and vehicles that could allow the Transgenics to live as much of a normal life as they did in the 'Normal' community, as some of the Relocationists have suggested. However, some of the autonomous countries within the Territory like the Turkish Neutral State, the Republic of Arabia, and the Jerusalem Free City-State have voiced strong opposition to the idea, citing the still volatile nature of the refugees still encamped in the 'Clean Zones'. In fact, the Reclaim Israel Army and Hamas have openly declared a state of war on any and all UN Peacekeeping Posts and the autonomous areas if 'one ungodly Transgenic sets foot on the Holy Land'. Understandably, there is no pro-Transgenic movement owing to the hostility from the remaining independent Muslim states in the area. 

ASIA AND AUSTRALIA: Aside from the Northern American states of Canada and Alaska and certain European countries, some of the Asian countries have been the most welcoming to Transgenics...though not without controversy and conflict. Pakistan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Bangladesh, and some of the Central Asian republican formerly of the Soviet Union have followed their Muslim brothers in the Trusteeship Territory and refused to accept Transgenics though rumors of Georgia, Armenia, Turkmenistan, and Uzbekistan using them as shock troopers to quell disorder continue to surface. India, with its own Hindu and Buddhist beliefs, has shunned them as refugees, but has allowed them safe passage through the country on condition that they don't ask for asylum. Nepal, Tibet, Bhutan, and the Myanmar-Karen Alliance have given them sanctuary, thanks to their liberal policy of welcoming all undesirables. The Chinese Democratic Commonwealth is still considering whether or not to allow them into their borders, though the Hong Kong Independent Trade Zone and Taiwan have permitted some of the Transgenics to settle for the time being. The Russian Federation is following most of Europe in allowing those who are seeking asylum and have not committed any crimes against the EU. Japan has been the most open as far as Transgenics go, considering its libertarian policies and its growing 'personal artificial enhancements' community where cybernetics and Genetucking are not as actively discouraged as in most other countries. Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia are permitting Transgenics, but only after an intense examination and a period of military servitude. Singapore and the Philippines have been neutral thus far, though there have been some sightings of Transgenics in Mindanao and some of the uninhabited islands in the south. Australia and New Zealand are just now giving refugee status to any Transgenics within their borders and are fighting any attempt by the US government in deporting them. It's unknown whether or not they will allow Transgenics abroad to emigrate, citing a recent crackdown of a Purity Brigade recruitment cell. The Pacific Islands have largely ignored the crisis and it's not unknown how many Transgenics are out there if any, though incidents involving a group of 'Mer-people' off the shores of Tahiti, Micronesia, Fiji, and Samoa have attracted some Federal interest. Not surprisingly, Japan has the largest Transgenic Nationalist Movement in the world outside of North America with Sydney and Christchurch having pro-Transgenic groups and a sizable lobbying effort in the Canberra Parliament to give citizenship to any Transgenic seeking it. 

As of yet, the United Nations has no official policy dealing with Transgenics beyond the accords dealing with prisoners and human rights in detention camps. The General Assembly is still in discussion over whether or not to even consider recognizing them as a unique sentient species or as an offshoot of the human race. Most of the secular human rights groups have lobbied for recognization while those of the religious sects have voiced concern or opposition to such action citing their respective holy testaments as guidance. The next few months will be crucial to whether the so-called Transgenics Problem will be solved peacefully or if this is the beginning of a long and bloody racial war that would cross all borders and all governments. 

**_PRESIDENT HODGES TO ACCEPT TRANSGENIC ESCAPEES, CONGRESS PREPARES FOR WAR   
_****_By WEIRDARCHIVE _**

In a stunning move, Republic of Alaska President 'Governor' William Hodges today signed an executive order opening the rogue state's strict immigration rules to include Transgenics escaping Federal pursuit and persecution by 'Normals'. This action, along with Canada's insistence that all US forces cease all unauthorized border crossings in rounding up all fleeing Transgenics, have some members of Congress and the Military Tribunal hinting at possible war declarations for the first time since the disastrous attempt at recapturing Alaska in 2013. 

Citing the recent violence against the Manticore escapees and the Federal Government obligation to 'care for its citizens, even if they came out of a test tube', 'Governor' Hodges ordered all members of the Alaskan Republic Border Patrol, which handles all immigration to the rogue state, to allow in any and all Transgenics into the state without resistance and to aid in their admission in case of Federal intervention. While the order has passed the Citizens Assembly in emergency session, some of Hodges' Cabinet have voiced concern about whether this was a wise decision owing to the present crisis in the US with mobs killing suspected Transgenics in lynches and riots reminiscent of the KKK attacks on minorities and the attacks on Muslims and Arab-Americans during the Dark Months known as 'Iraqi-bashing'. While Vice President Calvin Rutherford and Air Guard Commander 'Rocking' Billy Phillip Hayes have given their support, the leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed Samantha Adjia (the former Britney Spears) has suggested the Transgenics be kept from the general Alaskan population and deport those who had committed felonies while in flight. It is well known the Nation of Islam Reformed condemns most genetic engineering on higher forms of life, consisting it an act against Allah and His creations. Director of the Department of Law and Order Patricia Meadows also voiced concerns about the growing anti-Transgenics movement within the Republic and how Hodges' move might incite budding resentment against his administration and could be exploited by the Barrows regime. Canadian Prime Minister Joshua Arnolds praised Hodges' decision and threw his support by ordering all military bases bordering the US to confront any Federal authorities pursuing Transgenics and allowing them free passage into the country, either to settle and become citizens or go on to the Republic of Alaska or any other country of their choice. So far, there has been a reported fifteen incidents involving Federal troops and Canadian Border Guards over Transgenics seeking asylum. 

With members of Congress already considering giving the Military Tribunal more authority to weed out the Transgenics, there have been those who have suggested declaring war on Canada and the Republic of Alaska for 'interfering with internal matters of safety and security'. Whether or not the military is willing or able to fight the neighbors to the North who are also members of the Bering Strait Pact, a military alliance consisting of most of the Pacific Rim and Northern European countries, remains to be seen. Some members of the Senate have voiced concern about the escalating conflict and if declaring war on Canada and Alaska would leave the rest of the country open to revolt by sympathetic forces. "We know about the budding Transgenics Nationalist Movement in Seattle." ,said one unidentified Senator. "If we start bombing the Canucks and the Eskimos, every nut job secessionist group is going to jump on this. Maybe we're better off letting the freaks run out of the country. Hell, I'd let them run all the way to the UN Middle East Trusteeship. Damn place is a death zone, anyway, and those freaks seem to handle radiation and boar germs well. They could run the place a lot better than the Palestinians, Arabs, and Jews ever did." 

As of yet, the United Nations General Assembly in Toronto have only voted in a non-binding resolution suggesting all parties stand down from their present military postures and consider setting aside a homeland for the Transgenics. A resolution recognizing the Transgenics right to exist is being vetoed by several countries, owing to religious dogma and political standings against higher life form genetic creation and engineering.  Another session of the UN dealing with this controversial subject has been adjourned without resolve until the next week. 

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**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR**

Dear Editor,

I would like to lodge a complaint about the Sector Police Fundraiser, as one of the so-called 'kittens' bit my child's hand off! We truly are outraged at the fact that there were no warning signs telling not to actually pet the creatures in the petting zoo! Also I never did get the sector pass that I won, and my daughter seems to be missing since she went there.   
Grudgingly yours,   
Sarah Sounder __

_SPF reply: Your daughter picked up the sector pass.  Last we saw her she was heading for the Canadian border.  And she took the "kitten."_

Dear Editor,   
I would like to lodge a complaint abut the Sector Police Fundraiser. I had a coupon for a free bunion massage that no one would honor. 

_SPF reply: Sorry, we just didn't need funds that badly._

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**CONSPIRACY GIRL**

FAMILY VISITS   
by CG double-oh-nuffin 

Hello, my friends, it's been awhile. You may be wondering about my long absence. "Is she taking a vacation?" or "Did the clone worms get her?" has most likely been going through your mind. I'm here to tell you, neither of those statements is true. No, the truth is far more sinister than that. I've spent the past months gathering information from myriad sources (no names) on this, the grandest and most horrible conspiracy of them all! Yes, indeed, I speak of "Dunkin' Doughnuts". The Canadians are fortunate to have such a superlative source of doughnuts and sweets as Tim Horton's is. But I began to wonder, are we poor Americans half as fortunate? So I began my research. Originally it was just idle curiosity on my part, but as I dug deeper, I realized the truth! 

I'm sure, my friends, that you have already guessed at the evilness of the society conspirators plan...Yes, they are using Dunkin' Doughnuts to control the minds of the populace. "That's ridiculous!" you might say "It's just a doughnut shop!" Ah, my friends, Dunkin' Doughnuts has never been "just" a doughnut shop. From its creation, the conspirators plotted and planned. No e-sugarcubes are allowed in Dunkin' Doughnut shops. Does this not strike you as suspicious. For as we all know, the only way to block the   
mind-numbing rays of the clone worms is through the ingestion of e-sugarcubes. 

E-sugarcubes are tasty and go well, very well, with coffee and doughnuts. So tell me, what reason would a doughnut shop, if it was just a doughnut shop, have to ban them from the premises? I could go on and tell you about the subliminal messages in the music that is played in Dunkin' Doughnut's shops. Or perhaps, of the hallucinogenic (sp?) substances that are slipped into their pastries. But then you might think I'm a nutcase and refuse to listen to the truth! So my friends, follow my advice. Next time someone you know heads up to Canada to "visit relatives" ask them to bring back Tim Horton's. I'll be going up to visit my "aunt" next week.   
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**FEATURES**  
  


HOW TO IDENTIFY A TRANSGENIC 

**_By DAF9_**

To explain to you how to determine if you or a loved one or an acquaintance or co-worker is a transgenic first I have to explain to those of you who are unfamiliar with genetics how to read a DNA sequence. DNA is made up of bases, strung together like beads on a string. There are only 4 common bases that are abbreviated A, G, C and T. The complete DNA sequence of a human being is 3,000,000,000 letters long. So get some blood from your putative transgenic and send it off to a genetic laboratory near you to have it sequenced. In a week or so you should receive back approximately 20 million pages of paper covered in a series of A's, G's, C's & T's. 

Look for the following run of letters.   
ATGGCTGATGAAATCAATGCCATGGAGCGTATATGTGCG(G or C or T)TAC   
ATGGCCAATACCATCTGCCGTGAG 

G or C or T means you can have any base but A in this position. Geneticists abbreviate this by the letter B. If your subject is a transgenic he or she should have no junk DNA. Therefore this run of letters should code for a protein. DNA sequence is read in threes: ATG GCT ….etc. We will leave the B as a B. Proteins are made up of amino acids strung together like beads. Each amino acid (of which there are 20 common ones) can be abbreviated by a single letter. There are 64 possible combinations of 3 base triplets and 20 amino acids. Some triplets translate into the same amino acid. Therefore "reading" this particular sequence of DNA MADEINAMERICABYMANTICRE which when separated out into English words Made in America by Manticre . They may be a secret government organization with the finest geneticists in the world…but they sure can't spell. 

Brought to you by SOS's very own DAF9 B.Sc., M.Sc. Ph.D. who would have posted this article earlier but she had to go to her genetic code to find the appropriate triplets for each of the amino acids. 

DR. LOVE 

Dear Doctor Love,   
I met a girl last week and we hit it off. She likes macaroni and cheese! She is blind. I'm not quite a great person to look at so that is a good thing. She loves my paintings too! But based on advise from my roomy I told her I had to go back to France. Now I am heartsick. What should I do?   
Sick As A Dog With Love

_Dear Sick As A Dog In Love,   
Go after her you fool! What made you tell her to go away? I think that perhaps your "roomy" was just jealous. Tell her the truth too, not some half cocked story about deciding to stay here in the good ole U.S. of A. Blame it all on your roommate!! :)   
Doctor Love _

Dear Dr. Love,   
I have a serious problem. I am totally in love with myself! The problem is that I don't love me back. I've tried everything - gifts, romance, money! But I won't totally commit to myself. Any ideas on how I can win me over? And if I do manage to make me love me- is it legal for me to marry myself?   
Me 

_Dear Me,   
If I were me, I mean you, I would ask myself what it is about me that is so goll darn wonderful? And what is wrong with me that I can't appreciate that?   
If I were Dr. Love I could probably tell me what to do.   
Unfortunately I'm just me, I mean... DAF9 _

Dear Dr. Love   
I have this guy who I love and adore. I know that he loves and adores me back. I can see it whenever he passes me in the street and I say "hi" and he says "hi" back. Our "hi"s are charged with sexual frustration. That's right, I've never been intimate with my guy. I have the best photos in the world of him (he is so damn sexy when he sings in the shower) and I've taped his breathing at night so I can listen to it to lull me to sleep during my frequent twenty-minute nap sessions, but we've never had sex. I'd love to initiate the entire thing, but I can't get up the nerve to even introduce myself to him! Any suggestions? 

_Dear Hormonal Overachiever   
Since Dr. Love is underage I have taken it upon myself to answer your question. The traditional cure for this age-old problem is the COLD SHOWER, followed by electroshock therapy and possibly a prefrontal lobotomy. Best of Luck. _

C-O-N-T-E-S-T 

SOS is sponsoring a contest to create the perfect herbal gummie. Submit your recipes here. Best recipe wins a three-month free subscription to Streets and an e-kiss from DAF9.

Well...you take a jumbo bag of Gummi bears, right? and then you dump 'em in a pot (a cauldron would be preferable). Then you dance around said pot (or cauldron) and chant "Double, double toil and trouble!" while tossing in additional ingredients. These include : Hallucinogenic (natural) substances (i.e., magic mushrooms), e-sugarcubes (only for the brave herbal gummie gourmet. it's not essential to the recipe though), chocolate chips, toblerone bars, butterscotch chips, caramels, and jello. then you pour it into any mould type thing (cookie cutters glued to a cookie sheet work nicely) and stick it in the freezer till they're done...then add a pinch of DA fanaticism on top to make the herbal gummis complete! _2NDMOUSEVV _

first: sneak look at all competition's recipes   
next: find competition's herbal gummies   
third: roll in powdered sugar (or anything that looks like it) and try to pass off as own finally: run and hide from all competition and hope that they don't beat you up! _DARK999MOON _

Okay lets see, first close all windows and pull blinds so no one can see what you are up to. Then select your largest pot and place on the stove, turn on the heat and start by placing water, sugar and gelatin in the pot, next add some colorings till you get something you like, (weird colors always sell best to the kiddies) stir the pot to mix everything up real well, (this is about the only time it will be safe to taste the mixture). Next add your flavorings, those weird plant leaves you got from the neighbor's garden just before he got hauled off by the cops would probably be a good idea, and the fungus that was growing on the wheat has to be good for something so that can go in too. (Now might be a good idea to make sure your nose and mouth are covered over after all you don't want to breath this stuff in.) Anything else that looks good about now might be fun after all they need to look good, taste good and have an effect.   
If you messed up and tasted the mix after adding your flavorings now might be a good idea to turn off the heat and pour the mixture into moulds. Leave the lot to set while you open the windows and do a check to see the cops have not realized what you are up to. (It should be mentioned anything weird you see about now is probably the effect of the gummies.) Once the gummies are set and you have recovered, bag them up and take down to the pier to sell. Making sure no one knows who you are or where you live just in case of any comebacks. _MELASAND _

**_HOW TO TELL IF IT'S SUMMER IN SEATTLE   
_****_By 2NDMOUSEVV_**

The rain is two degrees warmer.   
Open season on mosquitoes.   
Nudist colonies migrate here.   
  


**_FUN THINGS TO DO WITH TAR   
_****_By LOGANS_BABE _**

Oh yes, it's that time again. The roads are getting fixed up, and you know what that means, hot tar! Due to complaints last year about the lack of creative ideas dealing with hot tar, the reporters here at SOS decided to make a list, composing of the top ideas we had.

DAF9's idea of using the hot tar as wax was the most popular. That's right girls! Don't use those old rusty razor blades anymore! Hot tar works effectively at taking off hair and even removing layers of skin! 

The second most popular vote went to Weirdarchive's idea of using the tar to fill in the little holes of cardboard condos. No more nosy neighbors trying to see if you are the latest transgenic freak. No more newspapers getting stolen because your neighbors want to go to the bathroom. If they can't see in, they won't know what you have, or who/what you are! 

The third choice was from our very own Jennem1. Her suggestion was to make accessories such as jewelry. Or use the tar as new bottoms for those shoes you wore out two weeks ago! Yes, this stylish footwear can make you famous with your neighbors! 

For more ideas, log onto the HOT TAR ADDICTS website at Hot_Tar@@Is_Fun.com 

**_FLU SHOTS AT FUNDRAISER   
_****_By DCRRACING _**

Hello good people. Chief Hardball of the Sector Police has informed me because of some law that I must tell you about the free Flu Shots that most of you received Sunday at the fund raiser. First off you received a dose of Anti-Baghdad Flu and Mexican-Anthrax vaccine just like the sign said. The part that we forgot to tell you about is in the vaccine was a very small "I.D. Chip" that will stay in you body for up to 100 years. BUT WAIT!! this Chip is a good thing!  It stores all your imported info about your life and anytime you get detained buy the Sector people they can scan you and see your a support of the Sector Police and this got to be a BIG PLUS!  And it will work like a credit card.  Just scan and go!  It may be the only way to buy anything or pay your taxes, or Sector fines in the very short future! But there's a little more.  It seems that the "Chip" also contains any past police record and your full medical record. So it seem the good people of Seattle will be leaders in this chip-testing program and if it all works out the rest of country will soon have them. Oh and NO this is not the mark of the beast{LOL},,its just a way to help keep the peace   
**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

_  
SEBASTIAN'S CHIP REMOVAL SERVICE   
Like to rid yourself of that pesky ID chip you received along with your flu shot? Contact Sebastian c/o Logan Cale. Sebastian has years of experience with removing implants. Will also remove ice chips, chocolate chips, chips on your shoulder, chips that pass in the night etc._

  
**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

ENTERTAINMENT 

**_TV/ MOVIE LISTINGS   
_****_By WEIRDARCHIVE_**

On Cineplex, Canada: 

**My Eyes Go Gray 9: Sex Is The Beautiful Poison**_, 2014, starring Natalie Portman, Keri Russell, Hayden Christensen, and Robert Patrick. Directed by Gillian Anderson. Unrated._ It's hard to imagine Asia's best beloved horror series doing an erotic ghost story, though it's also hard to imagine Natalie Portman would one day forego her no nudity and no love scene pledge after playing Padme Amidala and other women who show their sensuality without disrobing. Still, at age 33 when the film was produce, Portman decided it was time to break away from the good girl and victim roles into something more edgy. Here, she shows the world what it was missing as a very sensual ghost who seduces a honeymoon couple (Russell and Christensen) into a realm of sexual delights that grow more and more intense and sinister with each moment of passion. Patrick plays an American Shinto priest who tries to dispel the spirit from literally sucking the couple dry of their essence and becoming her latest zombie lovers. Granted, Japan has had an apprehensive relationship with erotica owing to its culture (which is why this sequel of GRAY is the most Westernized version prior to Quentin Tarantino's contribution.) and Ms. Anderson tends to carry on her militant lesbian agenda a little too much with at least five scenes of women making love to each other, but this picture does do justice by giving a dark look into sex and being open with one's sensuality and fantasies while not be too preachy with staying faithful with one's spouse. Naturally, Ms. Portman holds everyone's attention with her sometimes-borderline pornographic love scenes that had Ms. Russell questioning her own sexual preferences on more than one occasion. Fans of the GRAY series usually dismiss this contribution as being the least 'supernatural' of the saga, though they haven't completely disowned it. _Contains extreme sensuality, rape, S&M, and an erotic scene involving bodily fluids of an unknown origin. Parents strongly cautioned._

**BANK ROBBER MAN**: _2007, starring Dustin Diamond, David Boreanaz, Eminem, and Jennifer Garner. Written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by James Kistefer. Rated R._ Some critics and fans of Kistefer's have grouped this film with his documentary THE NEED FOR SPEED and his first venture into fiction LEATHER CHICKS into an unofficial trilogy because of the repeating symbols of fast cars, hot chicks, and people who don't take BS lightly. (Often, these three films are called the 'Road Rage Saga'. Mr. Kistefer continually denies this.) The picture is straightforward pulp fiction (and considering the source, it's not hard to point out the references from other Tarantino works.) Dustin Diamond is a mid-level 'independent operator' who joins two others like himself (Boreanaz and Eminem in his best role to date) in the ultimate   
bank robbery: A simultaneous hit on both its physical assets and its vast electronic holdings. Naturally, things get a little out of hand with the appearance of the FBI's best agent specializing in cybercrime and armed robbery (Garner). While Tarantino's script does tend to drift a little, Kistefer manages to keep the audience's attention by pressing the budding acting skills of Eminem and play on Garner's character who has an interesting kink to her nightlife that is best left unexplained here. While some critics had called this picture the weakest of Kistefer's work, fans everywhere had rented the DVD repeatedly and made the best seller for the last decade. It's an acquired taste, but Tarantino and Kistefer fans shouldn't be disappointed._ Contains violence, sexual themes, nudity, racial slurs, and a few scenes of bondage and domination. Parents strongly cautioned. _

  
**_JENN TAKES JOB AT FOX NEWS IN NY   
By DCRRACING _**

Our editor-in chief Jenn jumps ship and joins Fox. What's next DAF9 as Fox News parking valet? or Captain Don at the helm of Murdoch's yacht! 

_Editor's note: Like most Fox execs, Jenn was fired after less than 48 hours at Fox and returned to SOS, bringing a truckload of office supplies._

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**_Fresh Baby Seal Meat on Sale   
Hello Seattle!!! for a very limited time we have freshly CLUBBED baby seals. They're great to eat or wear. First come first served. All your fantasies can come true! at Captain Don's by the pier, open 24/7   
_****_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ **

**CLASSIFIEDS **

WANTED: Seeing Eye dogs. All kinds. Call Annie @555 555 576 4567 

For Sale: Chewed up pencils and old rusty chains. contact Steph @ SOS 

Wanted: Dancers, with summer on the way Captain Don's needs some HOT YOUNG GIRLS TO DANCE!  You must be 13-18 yrs old.  WILD AND HOT!!!,, ,,If this is you, come by Captain Don's by the pier and start to LIVE!  Captain Don 

Eyeglasses for sale. All sizes/prescriptions. Also hearing aids and glass eyes. Alley behind Metro Medical Morgue, ask for Sal. 

For sale: Gently used apparel. Like new. Men's, women's and children's. A variety of sizes and styles. See Bill from "Bill's crematorium and vintage clothing emporium" 

Single, attractive, professional female seeking professional male, 25-40, for long-term relationship. Enjoys dining out, old movies, books, travel. Fully human males only, please provide genetic proof. 

WANTED: Men and women with loud voices needed for anti-transgenic rally to be held sometime next week. Bring your Sector Pass and one or more blunt, heavy objects. Contact the Reverend Terry Caldwell for further details. 

New rare exotic pets, half friendly cat, half blood thirsty Doberman. My cat should be giving birth to her first litter soon, anyone interested in owning one of these rare pets should put their name down now, it is strictly first come first serve depending on how many she has. All types of payment considered. Apply Melasand, care of Captain Don. 

FREE TO GOOD HOME: A few thousand pet cockroaches. Make great pets! Will eat anything and are d@mn near impossible to kill! Great for those who aren't good with animals! Will give away individually or as a group. Call 63258951235465 for more details! 

Comment is a response to "Polygamist Wanted" classified Ad.   
Polygamist Found!   
Known for quite a while!   
that love can be multipile   
Though five is a lot   
I'll try till I rot!   
to bring a satisfied smile   
to those I serve and beguile.   
Desire to procreate?   
You've found the right mate!   
good and hearty genes are my lot   
with strength and stamina of an ox.   
Response to tommie2n1@aol.com

**Thanks for reading!  Visit the Dark Angel Fans Forum at http://forums.delphiforums.com/darkangelfans to participate in Streets of Seattle and other Dark Angel projects.******


	21. Transgenics Among Us

**Visit the Streets of Seattle homepage: http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

**Visit the creative home of Streets of Seattle: http://forums.delphiforums.com/darkangelfans**

**STREETS OF SEATTLE******

**EDITION 47, 2020******

_To our readers: The stories appearing in today's STREETS OF SEATTLE have been cleared by the U.S. Army under the provisions of the Martial Law Declaration of 2009 and the National Emergency Declaration of 2010.___

**Editor-in-Chief: Jennem1******

**Senior Editor: DAF9******

**Chief Reporter: WeirdArchive******

**Chief Contributing Reporter: Dark999Moon******

**Chief Financial Officer/Management Goddess: Logans_Babe**

**Conspiracy Girl: 2ndmouseVV******

**Contributing Reporter: DCRracing******

**Contributing Reporter: SK452******

**Contributing Reporter: Melasand******

**Contributing Reporter: Sportzgirl16******

**Contributing Reporter/Editor Emeritus: Samcrazy**

**Contributing Reporter: Bluebell28**

**Contributing Reporter: Darkfan4******

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  ******

**LOCAL NEWS**

**_CARDBOARD CONDOS BITE THE DUST_**

By Samcrazy 

As a roving reporter for the Streets of Seattle, I have seen some terrible sights on my travels, but none more horrific than seeing houses burn down through a clumsy mistake. In fact, it happens far more often than the Seattle government makes it out to be, and due to the complete lack of acknowledgement on their behalf hundreds of people all over Seattle find themselves homeless for the summer. 

A seemingly harmless flaming bin was on site just before the fire started and there so far has been no official explanation to tell why the bin was present at the time of the accident and so far it does not have any alibi to suggest in fact it had nothing to do with the blaze. Police are hoping that answers will turn up soon,

"We hope that answers will turn up soon" – Second Deputy for the Department of Condo Burnings commented to SOS.

The 'Protection Agency of Cardboard and Rubbish' or PARC has this to say about the disaster,

"It's devastating. Totally devastating, you know? When stuff doesn't go your way, you know? My colleagues here at PARC are all totally…damn, I'm so totally devastated I have no way to describe how they were…"

"Totally…devastated?"

"Oh god yeah, that too. I mean, it's like, you know, like all gone. It like burnt down like a damn piece of…"

"Cardboard?"

"Oh yeah, that's just like what happened."

"Does PARC have any idea who could have placed that burning bin near the condos?"

"We believe it was those trannies. You know, that genetically engineered bunch. They're trying to hit back after that Jam Pony thing."

"By attacking the Seattle Cardboard Condo Community?"

"Yeah, it totally adds up"

Was it angry transgenics who dumped a flaming bin to destroy the condos? Was it a warped form of terrorism? There are many unanswered questions, which the Seattle Police Department has promised to look into, until then we can only wait.

It is too often we see fires caused by burning cardboard condos, and one member of the Streets of Seattle can relate to this tragedy and she spoke to us about her experiences,

"I lost my condo in the fire of '10, yeah, I saw my plastic beauty melt down to the size of a baseball in the heat. Back then we had no cardboard luxuries, but we had the finest plastic linings you'd ever seen. It was a terrible day when someone carelessly dumped two flaming petrol bombs right near our condos, I mean we should all be careful when handling anything on fire, even if it is petrol"

Shocking words from a shocking woman. I mean shocked woman. So there you have it, make the judgment for yourself, should fire be outlawed as an unnecessary risk to cardboard condos? This reporter thinks so.

**_HOLIDAY FIREWORKS SPARKS CONFLAGRATION  
by DAF9_**

The fireworks display down by the pier last night turned into a major disaster when several cardboard condos took off like Roman candles, showering sparks everywhere and starting fires as far away as Sector 4. Since the Seattle Firefighters' union won the right to have July 4th as a holiday several years ago there was no one available to fight the fires which burned out of control until after midnight.

Although early rumors blamed the fires on the Transgenics currently holed up in Terminal City it now looks like the whole mess was a prank caused by several young teenagers. Lack of security and proper precautions to protect public safety on the part of the anonymous sponsor of the event played a big part in allowing the problem to escalate as it did. Sector police are currently trying to determine who the sponsor was as authorities have indicated that they are considering laying  
charges.****

**_CLEAN UP SEATTLE  
by Logans Babe_**

With all the hype about the Transgenics roaming the country, residents of Seattle must ask themselves two questions. One: Where would Transgenics most likely hide? Two: Are those places near you?  
  
The answer to the first question is simple. Transgenics will hide anywhere that "Norms" don't like to be near. That means waste dumps, old buildings, sewers, drains...anywhere.  
  
The second question is not so easy. No one can tell for sure if they have a transgenic living beside them or just down the street. If you are by an abandoned building, or waste site, it is advisable to get a clean up committee rounded up ASAP. Not only will you be helping make the area around you a better place, but you will also be saving the city a lot of money they would have had to spend if they were to have done it themselves. Hopefully this will make the Transgenics seek refuge somewhere that isn't your neighborhood.  
  
As the government has said in several news briefings, they consider Transgenics to be a nation wide security problem. It is possible that the Federal Government will provide programs and agencies to start cleaning up the cities, but it is doubtful. Maybe cleaning up certain areas will help the government in deciding it is time to take the Military States away.  
  
If you have any questions or comments write feedback@sos.com or call us at 1-555-567-5555. 

**_SKETCHY'S STORY  
by Sportzgirl_**

Yesterday afternoon when I was walking home, I ran into a photographer, Sketchy, who claimed that he had watched a transgenic be abducted by the government and taken away. He claimed that he got pictures of the capture but they did not develop. When I asked him if he knew why they did not get developed, he just shook his head and replied, "As soon as I got back from taking the pictures I hooked up with Max and Original Cindy. Then that afternoon I took the film in ...Then the government people kidnapped me. I told them that I just saw a guy in a Halloween mask and they let me go. ..."

When I asked him about the government people who "kidnapped" him, he went on talking about how there is some huge conspiracy and he's going to figure it out. Too bad he just kept on talking and didn't really answer my questions. I did get some interesting information out of him though. "Of course I was scared of being attacked by the transgenics when I first found out about them, but that was before I knew that Max and Alec were transgenics too. They are good people and just trying to make a living like me. Besides, when I was held hostage at JamPony, the transgenics could have done practically anything to us, but they kept us safe. They are just trying to defend themselves."  
  
After the interview I couldn't help but speculate what happened to those pictures. It seems to me that either the government is trying to cover up that the transgenics exist or the transgenics have a strong loyalty to their own kind. If someone can actually get past the fact that most of the transgenics look different and are different, then maybe it would not be so bad to have them here. After all, it seems like anyone who knows a transgenic doesn't seem to care that they are here. They seem to be like everyone else, they are just trying to survive.  
  


INTERVIEW WITH REAGAN RONALD 

**_By Melasand_**

An Interview with Reagan Ronald who delivered a transgenic baby  
  
I caught up with Reagan Ronald outside the offices of the Jam Pony messenger office the location of the recent transgenic siege. Normal (as he is know by his co-workers) actually delivered a transgenic baby while being held hostage by them.  
  
**Q Mr. Ronald or may I call you Normal I wonder if I could have a few words with you about the siege and the baby you delivered?  
A Mr. Ronald will do just fine,  
****Q Okay Mr. Ronald could you tell me when you were first aware of the transgenics in the Jam Pony office?  
A Well the first we all knew was when my boy A..., a pregnant woman and a younger boy were dragged in at gunpoint by that mutant that killed the blind girl and some lizard looking guy.  
****Q That must have been very frightening for you all.  
A Yeah well I would not say I was frightened, they all tried to get out through the back but were forced back in by the cops. I pulled a gun on them to protect my boy but the next thing I knew he took it away from me. Turned out were all transgenics.  
****Q That must have made you feel really bad someone you obviously trusted had tricked and lied to you?  
A Well yeah I did feel betrayed at that point.  
****Q So can you tell us what happened next?  
A Well the police surrounded Jam Pony, and suddenly we were all hostages, turned out there were some more transgenics in the building. Them and their friends, M. even came in through the window rideing on a hoverdrone of all things. I always had my suspicions about that girl. I always thought they would be dangerous but it seemed more like they were nervous than anything. I guess we all were.  
****Q Well this is really interesting can you tell us a bit about the one that gave birth.  
A Well it was pretty obvious that G. was very close to giving birth, in fact she said that the baby had been due a week ago. OC was trying to help her and I got pretty mad thinking she was one of them too. She's not, just a really good friend to M. and the others. In fact you know when I think about it M. has been a pretty good friend to a lot of people in Jam Pony. She even did some small thing to help me out on one occasion.  
****Q So can you tell me what happened next?  
A Well we thought it would all be over pretty soon. M got transport away from Jam Pony arranged for them and we were told half of us would be released. I was used as one of the human shields to protect them from the cops. It looked like all would  
be well when suddenly this guy L.... yells out from the crowd that there were snipers. He leapt out of the crowd and onto the roof of a car with a gun in his hand and all he!! broke lose. There were bullets flying around us, we all piled back into Jam Pony but not before CC was hit. We were all horrified I mean CC was one of them but no one knew that, they could have shot anyone of us, as far as those cops knew she was just one more body. It was when we were all back inside we realized CC was dead. It kind of hit us all hard; a person we knew was dead.  
****Q So your saying that they just shot at you all?  
A Well yeah I guess they did.  
****Q So you were all back inside the building again, what happened next?  
A Well things got pretty tense after that, I thought that, that idiot S. was going to get shot but M. and L.... managed to get everything calmed down. Everyone was pretty edgy then, and started arguing but in the end they all calmed down. That was when I noticed OC was with the pregnant girl G. doing everything wrong, in the end I just had to go over and put them straight. I made G. relax and breath and then I examined her, she was fully dilated. Of course OC wanted to know how I knew about pregnant women. I told her my Dad had a dairy farm, of course I know, if I know my way round a heifer I could help a pregnant woman. I certainly knew more about delivering a baby than them.  
****Q So while you were held a gunpoint by these transgenics possibly in fear for your life you actually helped one of them?  
A Well yeah, she was a pregnant woman someone had to do something, I looked after her she was in a lot of pain from the labor, well any woman would have been. Suddenly M. told us all to go upstairs, J. carried G. and the rest of us got up  
 there fast. They took G. behind a desk in what was once an office and OC the young male transgenic and I stayed with her M. told us to look after her. We tried to keep her quiet but she was in a lot of pain from the labor and it was hard for her. OC held onto her hand when these cops came in and looked round. They were so quiet they seemed to come out of nowhere. OC gave G. some cloth to bite down on but she was still whimpering in pain. It must have been really hard for her not to cry out. That's when the transgenics sstruck; those cops were tough though, like they were amped up on something.  
****Q So you are saying you had to supervise a labor and delivery in the middle of a fight?  
A Yeah that's right. The fight spilled over into our room when someone broke a window. We had to ignore that though. I examined G again and told her now was the time to push hard and bear down. A cop flew in through the window but I had  
to concentrate on G and her unborn child. I told her to continue to bear down and keep pushing. I told her one more big push and I could see the baby's head, then as the fight was over she was born. The First thing G. did was check the baby for birthmarks, they were very interested in her head and neck, but there were no marks. M. and the others stripped the cops and they and some of the JamPony people dressed as cops left and headed out. The rest of us went back downstairs and waited for the siege to be over.  
****Q So you delivered the child of one of these Monsters.  
*Strange look from Mr. Reagan*  
A You know that baby was a beautiful bouncing baby girl. Those transgenics are no more monsters than you and me.**

With those final words to me Mr. Reagan walked away and started supervising the clean up of Jan Pony.

So there you have it Transgenics Human or Monster it would seem Mr. Ronald would say Human.

**_WHERE HAVE ALL THE CROWS GONE?  
By MELASAND_**

Where have all the Crows gone?  
  
After the recent addition of the Transgenics to the Terminal City area of our fair city it has been noticed that there has been a marked decline in the Crow population. It seems that some of the Transgenics most notably the X5 series have an avid dislike of crows. Why this is remains a mystery to many but a few people around the Terminal City area can reveal that the X5 Transgenics feel that crows are the bringers of bad luck for them and have been actively destroying any that they see. The resulting dead bodies seem to be turning up at various landfill sites outside the city. 

This activity on the part of the X5's has resulted in some interesting activity by those residents manning the barricades around Terminal City, they are displaying pictures of crows so that the Transgenics can see them. Some people are even flying kites with pictures of crows on them above Terminal city. While it is uncertain what effect this is having on the majority of the Transgenics, it is rumored to be having an effect on the X5's, apparently they are laughing themselves silly, while they may dislike real crows, they are not at all worried by pictures or kites. However many residents of Seattle have latched onto this idea and pictures of crows seem to be springing up all over the place. The feeling is crows keep Transgenics away, especially when they are flown on kites. While this is not true of course, it is helping to channel some of the negative feelings about the transgenics and bringing out artistic ability in some of our resident, it is also helping to brighten up the skyline of Seattle as the kites take to the skies. 

Meanwhile while the crow population is dwindling (unlike the kite population) this might not be a bad thing, after all some birds do spread diseases, after feeding on garbage. So it may well be that in some ways having the Transgenics in Terminal city is a good thing.  
  


WOMAN CLEARED OF ATTEMPTED HOMOCIDE 

**_by DAF9_**

A middle-aged woman on trial for nearly bludgeoning her husband to death with an old pre-pulse VCR was found not guilty today. After a mere 10 minutes of deliberation the jury returned their verdict, declaring the assault a clear cut case of justifiable attempted homicide. Sector police were called in to escort the husband from the courtroom when the jury attempted to finish off the job.  
  
Jury foreman Patricia Garrett was quoted as saying "If my husband insisted on watching re-runs of that old Fox show "Firefly" over and over again I'd do him in too! As a matter of fact I've heard that it was attempting to stop Firefly re-runs from showing that led to terrorists triggering that EMP in the first place!"  
  
Could it be true?

**_IS SOS'S DAF9 A TRANSGENIC  
By DCRRACING_**

Hello land lovers it's your voice of truth "Captain Don". As the City Boss man well lets call me a community leader I get to hear all of the latest gossip. Now of course we can't believe all the gossip that comes my way, but for some reason there's one SOS reporter that is a pure target for this gossip and all of it seems to be true! Just in the last two weeks we heard that DAF9 had opened a discount child day care and to entertain the kids she has then playing with 10-pound RATS!!!! Well we at Captain Don's looked into this and printed you a photo of the horrifying conditions!!! But now the BOMB has dropped! There's a rumor going around to DAF9 is a First run Transgenic!!! Now if this is true then DAF9 BE GONE! Pack your bags and your Rats and off to Terminal City you gone! Now I have very little proof [for Now!}, but I challenge DAF9 to take a blood test! And we will print the results right here! Are you there DAF9? The ball is in you court now!! 

The Voice Of Truth, Captain Don!  
  
_DAF9'S RESPONSE  
Please GENTLE READERS- this is OLD news. All DAF9's genetic manipulation was done the old-fashioned way - you know sperm, egg, one Mom, one Dad.  
  
But I think I know where this rumor started. Someone was probably calling me a b***h - and a second person took that to mean I had canine genes. Not what the original speaker intended at all, I'm sure.  
  
Happy to clear this up for you._

  
**_DAF9 OPENS -99 CENT DAY CARE CENTER  
by DCRRACING_**

Captain Don Here, well even though Gail [DAF9] and I have not seen eye to eye in the past, I think we should all thank DAF9 for her 99-cent child day care center that she just started last month. You know how some people say you get what you pay for? Well that's a understatement when it comes to the DAF day care center!!! But I hear things are looking up, as DAF is getting some cats.  Poor cats.   
**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ******

Summer Job Training at Captain Don's  
   
AAAAAHHHHOOYY! Land lovers Captain Don's back in town. I've been over in New Japan [formally known as Great Britain] and I've brought all sorts of goodies home with me for the good people of Seattle to enjoy, I will have more on this later. It seems as Iv been away, some of our best teenage hostesses have been placed in there new homes in Asia and there's a great shortage of girls at Captain Don's. With the Hot summer months on the way Captain Don needs any and all teenage girls  
  
13yrs to 17yrs old that are in good health, have at least 90% of there teeth, and dream of living like a queen and seeing the world to come on down to the pier. If your body fits our parameters, and you want to learn a trade that will let you live in a way that most girls only dream of, please come by and fill out a simple waiver and your on your way to FREEDOM! Interviews and dance try-outs will be open 1pm to 2am, just ask for Ice-Pick or Father Sleepy, and live your dreams! Thanks, hope to see you all soon! Captain Don

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ******

**NATIONAL NEWS** **__**

**_HORSE AND BIKE THEFT RING SMASHED  
by WEIRDARCHIVE_**

Harking back to those days of the Wild West, the Seattle Sector Police broke up a large theft ring dealing with the most affordable form of transport in Post-Pulse America...horses and bicycles! A raid on an abandoned mansion formerly owned by the late Microsoft founder and CEO Bill Gates revealed the mother lode in stolen merchandise to date.  
  
A two year investigation into a number of thefts from bicycle shops and stables prior to the raid ended with the arrests of 25 members of the Angel Street Crew and 5 mid-level leaders of the Canadian Mafia as well as the recovery of some 10,000 bikes of all shapes and styles (mostly of the mountain and stunt variety) and a herd of horses of both sexes and various breeds numbering in the hundreds. (Exact totals were not available at press time.) The condition of both bikes  
and horses were surprisingly well, considering the high Black Market value of a well maintained mountain bike ($300 to $1,000 in Post-Pulse Dollars) and a healthy horse ($10,000 to $25,000, with breeding rates for strong breeds going for $5,000 a stud.).

The raid was carried out without too much blood shed, with special units of Animal Control securing the horses before the felons had a chance to do them harm. A shoot-out occurred at the gates of the abandoned mansion between Sector Police and gang members with only five Sector Cops wounded while ten members of the Angel Street Crew losing their lives. The entire operation lasted only thirty minutes from start to finish with the surrender of the remaining gang members.

Also confiscated in the raid were five heavily armored SUVs, an untold amount of weaponry, a state of the art computer system, and an estimated $4 million in hard currency and precious metals. The Sector Police will contact all the owners of the stolen bikes and horses in due course. There is no word if any leftover bikes and horses will revert to the Sector Police, though some notable officials have called for an auction of some of the more lively horses with racing potential. A press conference about the matter will be forthcoming.

**_THE HORRIFYING TRUTH OF DOPPLER RADAR  
by DAF9_**

Weathermen the planet over have denied it for years - but the truth has finally been revealed. Weather control exists! Not only exists but has existed for over 50 years. It's called Doppler radar.  
  
Discovered during WWII and first used to "predict" the weather in 1953, it turns out that Doppler radar is actually used to CONTROL the weather.  
  
The proof has been sitting in plain view almost since the beginning.  
  
Go to a 4th of July celebration or any other outdoor event on a day for which rain is "forecast".  
  
What do you see for sale at every other booth? Umbrellas, rain hats and rain ponchos!  
  
It doesn't take a rocket scientist or a meteorologist to see the obvious. Doppler radar causes rain.

**_IRAN WINS WORLD CUP 4-3 OVER NEW TEXAS  
by DCRRACING_**

For the third time in a row the Extraordinary Iranian football team has won the World cup. Iran played the "New Texas" team in the finals. The New Texas team, formed just 5 years ago after Texas broke away from the USA this was New Texas first time in the finals.............................World News with Captain Don  
  
For all you Fans of Iran Football, Captain Don's has Iranian Shirts, Flags, Cups, Autographed photos and more! Captain Don's is your West Coast World Cup Headquarters.

**_RIOTS IN ALASKA OVER TRANSGENICS  
by WEIRDARCHIVE_**

Apparently the honeymoon is over for Transgenics in the rogue state known as the Republic of Alaska. According to reports from Japanese television and repeated almost hourly by the Fed-approved US media, anti-Transgenics riots have broken out in the Republic's two largest cities Anchorage and Fairbanks with rumors of additional violent protests occurring in Nome, Juneau, and Noorvik.While the Director of the Department of Law and Order Patricia Meadows has downplayed some of the more hysterical accounts, there has been a few deaths on both sides  
in alleged gun battles.  
  
The chaos started at a downtown watering hole called the Stopover, a popular spot in Anchorage. According to some eyewitnesses, a group of disgruntled individuals started harassing a young couple that had just come out of a tattoo parlor. The owner of the parlor, in later testimony, had said he had helped remove the barcodes of a man and woman both in their twenties. He tried to make some small talk, especially about 'Governor' William Hodges pledge to allow sanctuary for all Transgenics without prejudice or threat of expulsion, but didn't get much from the two except for inquiries about any jobs on the Pipeline or the fishing fleet. What happened afterwards is subject to debate, but what is known was that the group taunted the pair for being 'a little too Greenhorn for their own good'. A few retorts were passed and suddenly, the group attacked the couple with pipes and pieces of broken furniture. The couple quickly dispatched their assailants with moves one witness likened 'to Keanu Reeves from THE MATRIX and Bruce Lee from ENTER THE DRAGON'. Unfortunately, the fight soon escalated into a full out war with other alleged Transgenics rushing out from unknown areas and outraged citizens brandishing AK-47s and shotguns. 

While the hand-to-hand combat was in the Transgenics favor, a few individuals shot three Transgenics dead. In turn, a 'large albino Werewolf' attacked five gunmen and tore them into shreds. Units of the 'Alaskan Mounties' (the civilian police force of the Republic) were dispatched to restore order and arrest all of the rioters. Unconfirmed reports had the Transgenics escaping custody by 'flying out of the scene like Superman'. Alaskan Mounties were also called in to quell a riot in Fairbanks where a series of Burning X's were lit in an abandoned area of houses where alleged Transgenics have made their home. As of yet, no confirmed causalities have been reported in Fairbanks as the Mounties had locked the region down in a 18 hour curfew.  
  
'Governor' Hodges appeared on Alaskan television, urging his citizens to remain calm and not 'act out on the fear and hate spawned by the very Federal government who made these soldiers under similar circumstances. These Transgenics want to live free and in peace just like us'. Samantha Adjia (nee Britney Spears), Leader of the Nation of Islam Reformed, aired a similar message to her followers and suggested that 'the Soldier of Islam act as a shield to protect our kinsmen from destroying each other. Allah condemns tampering with His earthly creations, but He hates violence inspired by racial hate even more'. Director Meadows has ordered all available units of the Alaskan Mounties to monitor the situation in Anchorage and Fairbanks and to quell any other Transgenic hate-inspired riots throughout the Republic. There's no word if she'll call upon the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for assistance, but Hodges has suggested using them to assist in border patrol should the need arise. As of yet, there's no word from the White House or the Senate Special Committee dealing with alleged Transgenics terrorism.  
**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ******

4 Sale: Gail Berman's Pickled Head  
  
This is a special order item that was never picked up. There's only one of these! One time Fox TV programming Giant Gail "The Butcher" Berman's head! The Butcher's head is mounted and pickled in a large jar, and she has that "I just cancelled your show look" on her face and a full set of teeth. The history of this head is not well known other than it was mounted and pickled just hours after her execution for kidnapping in 2011. This would make a great gift or wedding present. Stop By Captain Don's and have a look!

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ******

CONSPIRACY GIRL 

**_AH-HA!  
By CG-double-oh-nuffin'_**

For years people mocked the truth, calling it the simple-minded ramblings of the lunatic population. But now, now they know the truth! Obviously those who created the evil elves continued on to create the transgenics. Obviously the transgenics are secondary projects that hadn't had the gene for indepence taken out of them yet!

But still...while these transgenics are out in the open now, it does not mean that all is known! The truth is still hidden by the manipulative and devious government agents who want to subjugate us!! There is more to the truth than they are letting on.

Yes...I speak of Area 51, so-called site of an alien crash. You and I know that it is merely the base on which the, I suppose we should now call them transgenic, assassins were created. But...only recently have I come into possession of more of the facts of this serpentine conspiracy.

A source of mine, no names, recently came into possession of a folder. This folder contained Highly Classified information. Regarding the REAL alien crash. It was not in New Mexico. Oh no, the perpetraters of this conspiracy were very ingenious...

No, the crash was in Saskatchewan, canada. The exact location in Saskatchewan is not mentioned for some reason, most likely government secrecy. In any case the conspirators knew that they needed that alien DNA. So, through a maze of twisting deceits, these scavengers developed a devious plot. They stole the alien remains and created rumours about a crash in Roswell.

Why, you might say, did they deny it then? Simple, in a complicated sort of way. The conniving schemers needed the DNA for this "Operation Manticore" that created the transgenics. They could not acknowledge the so-called alien crash without admitting their perfidy in daring to meddle with humanity's very core. 

So, my friends. If anyone offers to sell you a copy of the Roswell autopsy tape, brush 'em off, cause it ain't real. If, however, someone approaches you with a tape of a Saskatchewan alien autopsy tape...I'll pay good money for a copy!

**_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _******

**FEATURES**

**_THE PROBLEMS WITH FORMING AN ANGRY MOB  
By MELASAND_**

The forming of angry mobs around the terminal city area has been going on for some time now, ever since the general population became aware of the Transgenics living there. While the displaying of flaming crosses on the outskirts of the city can be seen on a daily and nightly basis, no attempt has been made at present by the protesters to enter Terminal city itself. It is probable that the vast majority of the protesters would like to storm the place; their leaders are however at present trying to prevent this.

I spoke to one of these people, (who for reasons of his own would prefer to remain anonymous). He told me that the main problem with entering the area is the toxic chemical spills plus several unidentified biohazards. If at all possible he and the other protest leaders would like to obtain biohazard suits for themselves. (They feel however that their followers would probably not be harmed too much by the toxins. After all the I**Q of a mob is not that high to start with, being the I****Q of the stupidest member divided by the amount of people in the mob, so any damage done to them it is felt would at worst be only minimal.)**

More worrying to the leaders are the flammable chemicals contained in Terminal city, after all the mob would be carrying in burning torches, which could quite easily ignite these chemicals causing untold harm to the city of Seattle itself. They feel that there could be real trouble with the local authorities should they in anyway cause major damage to the city itself. Also there is now the possibilities of weapons being located in Terminal city probably having been imported by the Transgenics in an attempt to protect themselves from the so called normals (apparently their term for you and me). The last thing the leaders want to risk is that they themselves could be harmed in any way. At the moment protest leaders have no intention of entering the city, though several of their followers could be contemplating breaching the barricades and attacking the transgenics. Mob leaders are so far doing their best to discourage their followers from doing more than manning the barricades, at least that is until they are a safe distance away from any explosions or hazardous materials.

Meanwhile the military and the local police are maintaining an uneasy peace of sorts. With the protesters outside and the Transgenics inside tensions are undoubtedly mounting, with it seems, at present both sides waiting for the other to make the first move.**__**

**_CAPTAIN DON NAMED BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR  
by MELASAND_**

Yes folks you read it there first, our own Captain Don has been nominated as business man of the year. He confided this wonderful news to me last night after a chicken dinner, over a few bottles of Raspberry Schnapps, which were a prelude to a very pleasant evening. Captain Dons business's down at the pier have shown steady increased profit over the past years, he has been able to offered employment to many residents of Seattle in his ventures. Ranging from the young women he has rescued from a life on the streets, to the elderly who so often are seen as non-contributing members of society. Captain Don is steadily increasing his business ventures as the time goes on.

Doing especially good business are the Butcher shops. These have a steadily increasing trade as people recognize a reliable source of fresh meat. Only last week Captain Don put in orders for several mincing machines, mince being one of the most popular products he is currently selling.

Everyone knows Captain Don is the man to go to whatever your needs. For a reasonable fee the Captain is prepared to try to find whatever you are looking for, or if you are short of cash barter too is acceptable. Captain Don is ready to help out wherever possible. The Captain is however a man who believes in giving back to his community, just recently he held a fund raising event for the sector police, and last Thanksgiving he provided free food and drink for those unfortunate residents of Seattle who would not otherwise have been able to celebrate. He is also a valued customer of SOS often advertising in our paper.

With Captain Dons increased business we have also seen a dramatic decrease in crime with murders alone dropping from over 100 a year to under 20, as the pier area comes more under his influence.   
  
While unrelated to this story, it has also been noticed that the number of runaways and panhandlers in the pier area have dramatically reduced in the past few months. Also stray animals plus vermin such as rats and mice are much less prevalent now. Which is all good news for our fair city.  
  
So let me ask you all to join in congratulating Captain Don on his award and give him your very best wishes.

HOROSCOPES 

  
_Aries (March 21-April 19)_ Today all your fears will come true: that month old chicken in you fridge has acquired a few maggot friends. No luck in just warming it up for that date tonight. There will be no rain tonight so when you will catch yourself on fire trying to make a meal have a bathtub full of water so you can just jump right in (remember to drop anything still plugged in before entering the tub). Best day to use the stove: any day but today. Lucky numbers: 6,12,67,198.

_Taurus  (April 20-May 20) _ This is going to be a bad month for you. A very, very bad month. We're so sorry. DUCK! Lucky date: none. Lucky number: none.  
  
_Gemini (May 21-June 21)_ Today you will be feeling like you are wasting your life with petty squabbles. Don't let your significant other not clipping their toes bother you. Big things come to those who wait, even if it is winning a million dollar lawsuit against your significant other for scratching you with his/her toenails and infecting you with that very rare disease. Best day to go to court: 19th. Lucky numbers: 19, 23, 25.  
  
_Cancer (June 22-July 23)_ You're not called the crab for nothing. It's time to sharpen those pincers and get to work. Who knows, maybe you'll find a second career in topiary or pet grooming. Best day to eat chicken: 3rd. Lucky numbers: pi.

_Leo (July 24-August 22)_ It's a good day to iron all those handkerchiefs that have been lying crumpled in the corner. Make sure you wash off all the blood first. When you're finished with work, make time for play. Even a broken swing set is better than no swing set at all. Best day to stop reading horoscopes: 18th. Lucky numbers: 1, 8, 18.  
  
_Virgo (August 23-September 22)_ Call me? Please? Best day to make a phone call: 3rd. Lucky numbers: 55-555-568-1321

_Libra (September 23-October 23)_ Times get unexpectedly better when you find an unexpected amount of cash laying on your doorstep. Don't let the bullet holes in the briefcase scare you; no one will come looking for it. Buy yourself something nice...and don't forget to send some money to your Aunt Regie. Best day to run over a turtle: 3rd. Lucky numbers: 2,6,90,23.

_Scorpio (October 24-November 21)_ This really isn't the best time to buy a house, especially a flammable one. Best day to refill the fire extinguisher: 12th. Lucky numbers: 1-86.  
  
_Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)_ Wow, are you going to have a good time this month!  You won't remember it, but believe me it'll be fabulous! Best day to buy a video camera: today. Lucky numbers: 18, 140.  
  
_Capricorn (December 22-January 19) _ It's a good day to P** someone off. Wish them a nice day. You'd be surprised." Lucky numbers - you don't have any.  
  
_Aquarius (January 20-February 17)_ I'm running out of mental energy at this point.  Just try to have a nice month and if anything interesting happens, let me know so I can say I predicted it. Best day to eat breakfast: every day.  Lucky numbers: to be announced.__

_Pisces (February 18-March 20)_ See "Aquarius." 

**_THE LATEST CHILDREN'S GAMES IN SEATTLE  
by DarkMoon_**

Today's children are no longer amused by any old boring pre-pulse game. Today our children need NEW, EXCITING, and, most of all, FREE games to play. Games needing only people to play, such as 'Dare or Die', 'Cops and Freaks', 'Who Stole My House?' and 'Big Brother May I?' are played in our homes and streets today.  
  
Other games need a few accessories to be played correctly. These games, such as 'Touch Mr. Garbon's Really Mean Dog', 'Fun With Mold', 'I Bet You Can't Hit That Bird With This Rock', and 'Put Flaming Bags of Dog Poo outside the SOS Report's Cardboard Condo", are a little more work, but seem to be more fun. Semi-Organized games, such as 'Hit that Rock with this Stick' and 'Hold this Rock While Everyone Tackles You', are also quiet popular. These games involve large groups of children and a few items.

The children of rich parents also have fun games that they like to play such as 'Laugh at the Poor SOS Reporter' and 'Beg Mummy and Daddy for More Toys'. Sometime poor children like to play fun fun games with these rich children like 'Steal All of that Brat's Toys', 'Get All Her Fancy Clothes Muddy', and 'Chase those Richers into Mr. Garbon's Yard and Laugh when His Really Mean Dog Bites Them'.

Yes, in large groups or small, with or without rocks, and rich or poor, today's children have many fun games to play. And if I ever find the little brats who laughed at me or the hoodlums who put that flaming bag of dog poo out there.....

  
**_DEAR DR. LOVE_**

Dear Dr. Love,  
I'm dating this guy who has one of those barcodes on the back of his neck. He claims that he's not a transgenic, that he got a tattoo while part of a vampire cult. I'm not sure which is worse. He's hot, so I don't want to dump him. Am I getting myself into trouble?  
Dating a Sucker  
  
_Dear Dating A Sucker,  
Hmm, good question. What have you gotten yourself into? Well, he can't be a Transgenic. I saw one at the JamPony hold up last week and he was all scaly. Did he have any scales or fur? If not I wouldn't worry about it. Apparently there was some type of cult/gang thing forming, but was quickly broken up by a mysterious young woman. Have no fears, I think you and your guy are safe for now. But if he starts to bench press cars, let me know...  
Dr. Love  
_  
Dear Dr. Love,  
I work for this bicycle messenger service and last week I met this new employee Mia. The weird thing is whenever I'm not around her I think she's a ditz but when I am around her I'm convinced I'm in love. What should I do?  
Fred  
  
_Dear Fred,  
Maybe her appearance has something to do with it? Sometimes love is unexplainable. For example, I met this guy a few years back. Hated him. He is sooo stupid and arrogant, but whenever I am with him I feel like I could just hug him till his eyes pop out and his face turns that purply-reddish color... And he is so deliciously cute that I just want chew on his arm and eat him all up. Sometimes we get in those little "love" fights where you say things you don't mean  
and you end up taking a spoon, spatula, frying pan, (or whatever is ready at the time) and smacking each other till one of you has to go to the emergency room with fifty-two stitches to the head...sigh Ya, sometimes love is great.  
Dr. Love  
_  
Dear Dr. Love,  
My new husband was fiddling with his wedding ring, as new husbands tend to do. But he fiddled and fiddled until his RING FINGER fell off, and then he calmly re-attached it! He didn't know I was looking...what does this mean?  
Sincerely, Married to a Mutant  
  
_Dear Married,  
People who come apart under stress aren't to be trusted. Start putting "crazy glue" in his oatmeal every morning and I promise you it won't happen again.  
DAF9  
_  
Dear Doctor Love  
I spent a while getting to know this really great guy, that I really like. Yet now some other girl is hitting on him, neither of us knows who she is. Though he has people looking for her. She's been going through his papers, and sending notes to him about things. What should I do?  
Slightly upset.  
  
_Dear Upset,  
The price you pay for falling for a really GREAT guy is that other girls (and old ladies) are always gonna be after him. Get him an outfit like one of those ones that Michael Weatherly wore last year that we all made fun of and you'll have nothing further to worry about.  
DAF9  
_  
_BTW...did you hear the rumor that Capn Don used to be one of the NSync boys?  
_  
Dear Dr. Love,  
Why is it that whenever I bring a man home, he's gone by the time I wake up?  
Sincerely,  
Lonely in the AM   
  
_Dear Lonely in the AM  
Chain him to the bedpost. Works every time.  
DAF9  
_  
Dear Dr. Love,  
I suggested to my girlfriend we try a little role-playing to spice things up. She said OK, we should play "Transgenic-Normal." Then she lifted me in the air with one hand. It was cool and all, but now I'm worried.   
  
_Dear Worried,  
Don't fret too much. Think of it this way: Last week on an old rerun of Jenny Jones (The Original) they had female body builders on who couldn't find dates because they were so manly. Maybe you intercepted one of those ladies? Or you could have a transgenic on your hands...But you should double check. The first thing you should do is look in her room for any kind of magazines that suggest bodybuilding. Then you need to weigh yourself. If you don't weigh more than 150 lbs, then don't worry she isn't a transgenic. :)  
Dr. Love_

**_GUIDE FOR LOCAL NATURE/BIRD WATCHERS  
by SK452_**

With the transgenic threat unnerving many people, cameras and binoculars have been hot commodities at many local retailers. So have guns, but that is not what this story is about. So there. The cameras and binoculars were no doubt purchased with the intention of photographing transgenics and to keep a constant lookout for approaching transgenic monsters.

However, what many people have been discovering is the joy of looking at nature and also birds! Squirrels are a very popular animal to look at, and they are even more popular to photograph. People love them! Several pictures of squirrels taken from right here in Seattle have been showing up in locally distributed nature magazines.  
  
Robins are another favorite. For those unaware, these are the birds with the reddish orange fronts, and the rest of them are brown. To catch a glimpse at elusive creatures such as squirrels and robins, it is suggested that you be outside, and have at least one of your eyes open. Now here is the big thing to look out for. An anonymous tip from an anonymous Jam Pony employee, who wishes to remain anonymous (or maybe his name was just forgotten-whatever), states that there is a creature bird watchers can look for. It has a wingspan of a jet, breathes fire, and has some screeching thing that makes people's heads explode. Evidentially he overheard some other employees chuckling and discussing this, and decided to report of SOS immediately. (This was before the situation Jam Pony experienced by the way.)

At first glance you would just assume this is another example of a transgenic beast, but no. Expert advice has stated that it is more likely a newly evolved animal. Probably an offshoot of a crow that has emerged from Terminal City. Evolved to fend off transgenics, and the mutations happened quickly as they were helped along by the hazardous condition of the area.

Keep your eyes pealed bird watchers! If you see this one, be sure to take a picture. That could be in a Nature magazine for sure!

**_INTERESTING USES FOR POLICE TAPE  
by SK452_**

Lately there have been more than the usual number of sieges in Seattle. The cops seem to be in a big hurry to get to the next siege when they leave the last one. So big a hurry in fact, that the police tape is not even cleaned up. So what can you do about this? After all, there must be some hidden use for all this left over, yellow plastic strips right? Of course! Try any one of these super nice options:  
  
- Create a makeshift, yellow hula skirt for Hawaiian theme parties! Or you could just wear it any old time if you like to have an interesting sense of style.  
  
- Wallpaper a cardboard condo. Not only is this option amazingly stylish, but with a few layers it will make your walls much more durable. And if you put it on the outside it will provide a certain level of water proof-ness. Will only be a stylish addition for all homes not made of salvaged garbage.  
  
- Hair accessories. Send your little girl off to school in a beautiful black and yellow hair ribbon courtesy of the Seattle Police Department.  
  
- Make a tube top to match your snazzy Hawaiian skirt.  
  
- Put up a bunch of it around your house and take pictures of it. Now you can take the tape down, you may want to save a little of it to show people. When your pictures are developed, show them to your friends and other people you want to impress, telling the amazing tales of when there was a siege at your house. Make sure that you are the hero in all of your stories.  
  


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF TRANSGENICS 

  
_Louise Crandell, 63  
_What do I think of what? What? Transgenics? What's a transgenic? A what? What? You mean like a werewolf? What? Are you one of those tabloid people? What? No, I don't get out much. No, don't have a television. What? What would I think if there were people made in a lab with animal DNA? Young man, I think you should go find yourself a real job.  
  
_Bubba, mechanic  
_I had one of them transgenics working for me. Didn't know it at the time, but the guy could lift a '93 Jeep with one arm. Now you've all scared him off and I gotta hire God knows how many idiots to replace him. What's the big deal? Useful, these transgenics.  
  
_Millie, homemaker  
_Well my next-door neighbor told me that they not only made animal transgenics but PLANT ones as well. I've been out all morning pulling all the flowers out of my garden.  
  


**_IT'S NOT ALL BAD, FOLKS  
by DAF9_**

Yes I know we're all upset about the horde of transgenics who have taken over Terminal City but it turns out there is an up side to transgenics.  
  
This week University of Washington geneticist Dr. Fred Malkin reported that his laboratory had finally perfected the transgenic broccoli.  
  
Your kids don't like vegetables? No problem. Transgenic broccoli has all the nutrients of regular broccoli but with the taste and texture of chocolate.  
  
"Of course there are kids out there who don't like chocolate either" Dr. Malkin stated "and with them in mind we are currently working on expanding our line of broccoli to include licorice, bubblegum, mud and lead-paint flavors. The entire range of broccoli should hit a vegetable stand near you by fall."  
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**ENTERTAINMENT  
  
**

CATS PUT TO SLEEP 

**_By Logans Babe_**

The Broadway revival of _Cats_ was closed today due to a growing amount of gossip that led police to believe that Transgenics were integrating among the cast and crew members. The theater says they don't know when the they will be opened again, but police say any major theaters in the area will be closed until a certain amount of Transgenics are caught and killed. 

**_LINK BETWEEN TRANSGENICS AND SATANIC CULT UNCOVERED  
by DAF9_**

This week Senator James McKinley, chairman of the Congressional task force on the transgenic threat revealed that months of diligent research he had single-handedly uncovered evidence of a link between the Transgenics and a Satanic cult that has flourished for almost two decades here in Seattle. This cult began innocuously enough with a television show called "Firefly". Firefly replaced a show called "Dark Angel" which curiously enough predicted the existence of transgenics.  
  
Reviewing television viewer statistics from the years 2002 – 2008 indicates that although Firefly was critically panned and unpopular due to a largely successful boycott by fans of Dark Angel, it mysteriously managed to get renewed year after year. Of even greater surprise to the fans of the now defunct Dark Angel, Firefly was NEVER preempted. Not once. By its final season (2007-2008) it was consistently in the top ten shows of the week, even during summer reruns. Despite  
this apparent popularity and although a number of fan forums devoted to Firefly sprung up on the  
 Internet, not a single real-life fan of this show ever publicly surfaced.  
  
Why, the Senator asked, when Dark Angel was so popular, was it replaced by Firefly? And how could Firefly be so popular when it apparently had not a single fan? Clearly, this was part of a government conspiracy to prevent the premature revelation of the existence of transgenics.  
  
And the link between the Transgenics and Satanism?  
  
Senator MacKinley was reading an old college science textbook and discovered that fireflies contain a protein called "luciferase".  Could the connection between transgenics and Satanism be more obvious?**__**

**_TV LISTINGS/MOVIES  
by WEIRDARCHIVE_**

_MY EYES GO GRAY 5: THE HEART, THE HANDS, THE MIND, 2007, Starring Chow Yun-Fat, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, and Asia Argento.  Directed by Ang Lee and Norio Tsuruta. Unrated._ In the beginning, the creators of the GRAY series had never intended to use material outside of the Asian literature or mythos for cultural reasons. The premise of the most successful Asian horror series was to showcase tales from the Far East to counter the often plot-poor and FX-heavy horror films that were coming out of America and Europe. All that changed when the Gray Committee asked Kate Winslet and Ang Lee, the group of Asian (and later on American and European) writers and directors who established and maintained the GRAY guidelines, to do a film. The director Tsuruta was having problems with the premise of GRAY 5, a set of three interlocking tales supposedly inspired by a film line from Fritz Lang's opus METROPOLIS but was actually based on the Indian deity trio the Trimurti of Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu. Lee took one look at the script and suggested using a TALES FROM THE CRYPT style of narration. Thus, using a more Western cast and script, the two directors set upon to tell three stories dealing with the Heart (where an adulterous couple [Winslet and Law] plot to kill their spouses only to find out their hearts are literally not into it), the Hands (where a court appointed psychiatrist [Washington] has to bear the burden of an executed strangler's [Yun-Fat] guilt...and his other emotions) and the Mind (where a doctor [Crowe] using an experimental procedure to save a child's life has to deal with Death herself [Argento] within his own subconscious). Most GRAY fans consider Mind to be the best of the three, giving some lukewarm praise for Heart, and dismissing Hands for being more a puffed up version of BODY PARTS. Granted, the fifth GRAY film suffered from too much dependence of the EC Comics material, but the actors do try their best to improve on the script in subtle ways. Argento and Yun-Fat had impressed the Gray Committee enough to garner a return in the Seventh sequel and many do credit Lee's daring suggestion to allow Western influence into the mix. In some ways, this helped broaden the series global appeal...for better and worse. _Contains violence, sexual themes, drug use, nudity, and gore. Parents Strongly Cautioned.  
  
THE OLD FARTS CLUB, 2005, starring Carl Lumbly, Lance Henriksen, Morgan Freeman, Vin Diesel, and Eliza Dushku. Written and directed by Spike Lee. PG-13. _Many people know about how Spike Lee used his films to send a political message about the Afro-American experience and how it was being both enhanced and hampered by White America. However, Spike wanted to do a film not unlike MO' BETTER BLUES where the story was less heavy-handed with the politics and more family-friendly. Thus came the story of an elderly jazz pianist (Freeman) hoping to make peace with his estranged son (Lumbly) a conservative Republican running for office and ex-manager (Henriksen) who now runs a blues club before passing on. Naturally, things get complicated as Lumbly's character must deal with his son (Diesel) who is as politically opposite as they come and trying to tell a fresh-faced college senior (Dushku) that she's actually his illegitimate daughter from an one night stand and is about to start out on her singing career with a little help of Freeman's piano. While the plotlines do get tangled up towards the end, you have to give Spike credit for keeping the characters very real (and insisting that Freeman and Dushku do their own singing and piano playing). As far as the film goes, OLD FARTS is as far away from Spike's usual fare, but it's an enjoyable experience and well worth the watch. _Contains violence, racial slurs, and brief nudity. Suitable for teens 15 and up.  
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CAPTAIN DON'S CHILDREN'S' CLOTHES SALE  
   
Captain Don is having a children's clothing sale this week. Captain Don has obtained a shipload of clothing for young boys and girls that was on its way to the Middle East! Well their loss is your gain! These clothes are very well made, and very stylish in a post pulse sort of way. There's only one style but they look great on boys and girls.

Priced too low to print.

Just doing God's Work! Captain Don****

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**LETTERS TO THE EDITOR  
**  
Dear Editor 

I read that article about the Transgenics going to Alaska. Don't you realize what they're up to? Hodges is trying to start his own  
super-power army so he can take over even more land than he has already. I say we keep them here and beat him at his own game. I'm sure our police and military can keep them properly trained and confined, they're only weapons after all.  
Sincerely,  
Edna Pinkney  
  
Dear Editor,  
Who is this Captain Don person and why does he do such terrible things? My kids are afraid to go outside after dark now. Especially the girls.  
  
Dear Editor  
What is this witch-hunt going on against Captain Don? I thought the people of Seattle knew just how lucky they were to have this kind, benevolent person in their midst. Surely after the Sector Police fund raiser and the free flu shots people must realize he is truly a good man. Yet still there are these allegations and accusations. He is truly a saint among men after all look at all the tireless work he does for those teenage girls.  
  
Dear Editor,  
What is (censored) up with me (censored) hearing about you (censored) having (censored) transgenics on your (censored) staff? I (censored) was under the (censored) impression that (censored) you didn't (censored) do that (censored) sort of (censored) thing! Please (censored) discontinue all parts of your (censored) paper that are (censored) written by (censored) freaks! I know that all (censored) of us over in (censored) feel the (censored) very (censored) same way! Well, all (censored) of us but (censored) and he is a (censored) freak-lover any (censored) way!  
Sincerely,  
(censored)  
THIS LETTER CENSORED FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION BY (censored)  
  
_Editor's note: WOW! I can see the refrigerator in the reporter's lounge is gonna be overflowing with those magnets containing the [censored] words!  
_  
Dear Editor;  
Yesterday I used your paper to wrap up my lunch, and the ink got all over my sandwich. I ate it anyway and now I feel kind of funny. Should I be worried?  
  
_Editor's Note: You must have eaten the comics section. Today repeat the experiment with the business pages and let us know how you feel tomorrow.  
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**CLASSIFIED ADS  
**  
Wanted: rubber or Latex gloves, medical quality. Unused only. Will pay top dollar. Also buying bleach and Lysol. Or will trade one used car for full-body Latex s&m gear. Interested parties leave contact information under sewer duct lid at Main & 8th.  
  
Will trade painting by exciting new artist for canvases and paints. Any interested parties should ring 01739 457632 and ask for J.  
  
Lost: One gigantic kitten that looks part human... lost near Terminal City...  
  
Found: young girl wandering streets of Seattle. About 16, blonde, 5'4", 110lbs, brown eyes. Cannot identify herself. Can only say "Captain Don" and twitch. Parent or guardian please contact Box 67.  
  
For sale: expired prescription medication. Sedatives, painkillers, tranquilizers, antibiotics, and assorted specifics. Expiration date 2000. Seller takes no responsibility for efficacy.

**Visit the Streets of Seattle homepage: http://pages.prodigy.net/jennem**

**Visit the creative home of Streets of Seattle: http://forums.delphiforums.com/darkangelfans**


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